A simple nickname that holds so much meaning
Being caring, kind-hearted, and petite too
A delicate moment or memory
I didn’t know how much they would mean
Until all those moments became nothing but a memory
Sweetpea, a nickname from when I was a baby
A cartoon character baby from Popeye
That’s the nickname you chose for me
Because I reminded you of that character
Soft skin, sweet smile, and tiny as can be
Memories of our conversations play constantly on my mind
Not being able to be face-to-face
Or hear you say you love me and how proud you are of me
Godmom, I wish you didn’t have to leave this world so soon
But I know that God had called you home
I wish you didn’t get sick and fight for years
Constant treatment that took a toll on you
Still called me sweetpea at your worst moments
You couldn’t sing as it was your whole heart
Singing is where you belong, almost becoming a star
I can no longer hear your wonderful voice
Only now, old videos taken by my parents
I no longer can hear you call me sweetpea
It kills me so much, it hurts, and it will
You were my Godmom; we were very close
But through it all, you always reminded me
To be strong, live my dreams, not give up
You were a strong person with a good soul
Never gave up and kept pushing forward
Looking at the small things in life, always feeling thankful
Praying to God and Jesus for another day
That is how Godmom, you’ve inspired me
Your memory pushes me further each day
To live a happy life filled with love
And find and make my dreams come true
Your star song will be my forever song
Of the simple melody that plays in my head
Because it’ll make me think of you
And while Godmom, you’re now gone
Knowing you didn’t want to part this Earth
Without me, my mom, or the family
You’ll forever live in my heart
As an inspiration, strong, beautiful, gifted
Sweetpea is the nickname I was given
While it may appear to be simple, like a flower
It holds more than what I can ever describe
A simple, beautiful, tiny name that’s a part of me
Forever, I’ll be your only sweetpea

In the year of nineteen-twenty-four
My grandma Lorraine was born
Forty-seven years more
I entered the world one morn

My mom being close to her mother
Chose my name in honor of their bond
I cherish and would choose no other
For of my name, I’m especially fond

In January of two-thousand-nine
When grandma exhaled her last breath
I held her tender hand in mine
Unwilling to accept her death

My namesake dying left a hole
A painful space I longed to fill
I set for myself a goal
Live resiliently as she instilled

Grandma’s lifetime was filled with sorrow
Early losing both parents and brother
She continued to trust in tomorrow
With a tenacity and humor like no other

She suffered injuries, illness, trauma
Several surgeries left her hobbled and sore
But she cooked, and she cleaned, and she dealt with our drama
Assuring us she desired nothing more

In my stiving to be a woman like she
I often struggle to find the resolve
Then I dig deep inside for her inside me
Remembering her profound strength was her love

We’ve all suffered some type of loss in our lives that affected us greatly in some way. For some, more than others. I have suffered a quite a few losses in my life that I still find myself healing from today.With this letter I’m choosing to do something a bit different, I will say into a few words on what lessons I have learned from each loss in my life.

My 1st cousin/ first experience of loss: Eventhough we were only 5 years old at the time, I remember so vividly how I tried to grasp the fact that I would never see you again. Asking my mother, “so, she’s sleeping forever? She’s not going to wake up anymore?” As I watched you lay there in a casket. My first friend and sister, the one who would always play with me, eat with me and sleep with me at grandma’s house. You taught me not only what loosing someone close would feel like, but also showed me how capable I was of having someone that I could have fun with and just be me, a kid. Perfect for the little girl that I was then, just free spirited and happy. Just like you. I thank you for loving me, thank you for being you and thank you for being a part of the first stepping stones in life.

My 1st little sister: I was 9 years old when you passed away. I didn’t understand why you were given to us only to be taken away only a year later. Even though you was different because you were sick, you were still a beautiful baby and you were a strong fighter. I will never forget how when you were on your way here, I was responsible for running down the street to let our grandmother know you were coming because she wasn’t answering the phone. My first task as your big sis. I also remember the day you passed, while on the way to the hospital, riding in the back seat holding you…. You looked up at me, you smiled one last time and took your last breath in my arms. That was your way of saying “I love you big sister, I’m okay, I’m just going back home.” Thank you little sister. You taught me responsibility. You taught me that caring for someone else is such a joy and a honor to take very seriously. Something that I keep with me now today while being a big sister to OUR little sister. I make sure she knows that she has two big sisters and that you are a part of us both, forever.

My best friend: I never got to say goodbye to you. I found out about your death a month later which hurts still til this day. We were almost about to graduate high school before you were taken away due to domestic violence. We met in 5th grade and always was so a like. Like sisters. You never judged me for my imperfections and I never judged you for yours. Even when I had to transfer schools because of moving on the other side of town, you were the only friend out of our group of friends that still kept in touch. Still called me, still came to my house, still let me stay at your house, it was like I never left. You didn’t let a little distance ruin our friendship like everyone else did and that stood out to me. So thank you. You taught me what a real friendship is. Someone you can be yourself with, no judgments and no limitations. You taught me there could be a such thing as a friend who loves you no matter what. Not being able to say goodbye would only mean that you are still with me. Someway, somehow.

My beautiful grandmother: The most unexpected loss I never thought I would experience. Getting that phone call about never going to see you again felt like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. Especially because we had just spoken the night before. Now that I think about it, it kind of felt like goodbye in a way. Only because I would always tell you that I loved you first over the phone. ALWAYS. You would either say, “me too”, or “alright grandma’s baby”, but never would say it first. I didn’t take it personal because I knew you loved me. Your actions always showed it, it was just you wasn’t always big on saying it over the phone. But that night you did. I remember looking at the phone after hearing you say, “Grandma loves you”. I told you I love you too and that I would visit you over the weekend when I didn’t have to work ( I was actually at work while talking to you that night). I’m glad I got the chance to say goodbye in a way. Since I love you was the last words we spoke. You taught me so much. How to be a wife ( just by watching you be the best, even though you didn’t get a chance to see me get married)You taught me how to love selflessly and it’s okay to put those whom you love before your own needs. Thank you my granny wanny for showing me how to be a pure kind hearted spirit no matter what life throws your way. I hope that I am continuing to make you proud.

Lastly…….My dear husband: Another unexpected loss. Losing you that day was unreal in every way. I wish we were both aware of your health issues so we could have done things differently. I will never forget watching the very moment your spirit/ soul left your body as you, just like my little sister, took your last breath in my arms. There are soooooooo many things that you taught me about myself, about love and about life that I will never forget. I grew to be such a wonderful, fearless woman because of you. You taught me something that no one has, and that’s what real unconditional love actually looks like. Love with no conditions. Loving when things are easy, and learning to love even harder when things are hard. Thank you husband for introducing me to the real me. So that I can love her just as much as you did if not more. You showed me how great I was. You showed me how capable I am of loving myself first so it could become easier to love others. I now see me as you did, and I see why you loved me the way that you did.

Each of you were in my life for a period, a moment but the lessons that each of you taught me will last a lifetime. I love you all and miss you all dearly. Until we meet again my love’s.

Dear Reader,

I want to warn you before diving deep into this letter that I’ve experienced a lot of loss in the last 10 or so years. As I was pondering who I should write about I concluded that I could not choose just one person.  To choose one person would be to act as if the others did not exist, nor matter to me. Each of these people mattered and each of these people has deeply impacted my life and has contributed a piece to the mosaic that continues to become me.  So instead of honoring one person I choose to honor each person and to impart the lessons about love that they each taught me. 

Dear Loved Ones,

To my matante Elaine.  Your departure from this Earth was swift, sudden, and shocking.  The winter snow was in the process of melting as my thoughts dissolved and I erupted into a puddle of tears when I heard the news.  In those early days of grief, I didn’t know how I was going to live without you.  You showed me a love that was kind in a world that often was not.  Your eyes and your smile communicated warmth, love, and light.  You sheltered and protected me amid the storms in my life. Your heart and your home were my safe space. You made everyone you encountered feel seen, known, and loved even when you didn’t always feel it yourself.  To this day I strive to see, know, and love people with the kind and gentle love that you did.

To my Memere Gonneville.  Your passing came all too quickly. Because you had Alzheimer’s I had expected we would have to die other smaller deaths before we lost you completely.  But you remained healthy until one day you weren’t.  From you, I learned that love delights in the other.  In your younger years, you delighted in seeing us smile as you insisted that my sisters and I choose a toy from the dollar store, or as we played at a park, or as we experienced new things. Our joys were your joys and our sorrows were your sorrows.  That’s one thing I know I got from you.  Your last coherent words to me were “I love you.”  I hope when my time comes my last words will be “I love you.”

To my Memere and Pepere Hebert.  Much of my life was spent in your home sitting at your kitchen table watching and learning from you.  You gave me an example of a healthy, faith-filled marriage.  It was clear to me that you two loved each other deeply.  You died months apart from each other.  You taught me that love is generous with time, talent, and treasure.  Memere you transported many people to their medical appointments in your spare time.  When we visited you almost always retreated to the basement and returned with something to give one of your many grandchildren.  Pepere you were my rock, but also my teddy bear; strong yet soft.  My favorite moments with you were sitting on the swing watching the cars go by because in those moments you were fully present to me. You taught me to persevere.  That is a lesson I will always carry with me.  In the end, you taught me that love doesn’t end even when life does.

To my aunt Jackie. I loved spending days on the lake and at the camp with you. You loved the Blessed Mother so much and recited the rosary every day. You taught me that love is faithful even in times of suffering.  Your killer was cancer that metastasized, you endured great suffering but still, you were devoted to the Blessed Mother finding comfort and consolation in her motherly care. I strive to love the Blessed Mother as ardently as you and to pray for the hour of my death as much as you did. 

To my cousin Briar Rose, who passed away at 5 months old.  You taught me one doesn’t need to live years to live a meaningful life and to experience love.  I held you and visited you in the hospital and instantly I fell in love with you.  Though you didn’t live very long after your diagnosis you had a profound impact on our community as they banded together to support our family during that difficult time.    

Because you all mattered I still grieve.   
But it is also because I lost you…..
Because I know time is not guaranteed, but rather is a precious gift,  
That I savor each moment I have with those I love dearly. 
Thank you for being a part of my life and my story.

Dear Grand-Tee,

I really miss you sometimes.
I wonder without you what I’m supposed to be.
To be myself you made me believe, you helped me to see all those things before me.
I know, I believe, I can achieve.
You are my true friend and you are in my heart forever.
You will always be my forever.I never thought in my heart, we would not see forever.
To my life here tomorrow, I have a future because you were there.
I can not go sometimes without crying and even laughing.
I miss you every day. I’m so glad you were here to give me encouragement along the way.
You always gave me a chance, gave me a cheer.
Today is a good day to say Hi Grand-Tee.
I’m so glad you were here.
Even now I feel your sweet love from the grave.
My love, you had to be!
Grand-Tee you made me feel so praiseworthy!
You keep me strong!
You made me hope!
I wish you were here so you can see what has opened..
It is amazing, it seems like you were gone so long.
But in my heart, you can never be gone!
I miss you, I love you.
You are my forever friend, so glad I had.
Because I needed someone to depend.
Tomorrow is gone. Today you are here. Tomorrow is for us.
One day we’ll be together again as a team!

Love you always,
Charmaine

Pulling the soul back
to the day that seems forever ago.
Slowly here still wishing for the comeback
those chances set low.
Reminding who you once were
now that my name no longer exists.
For him it’s nothing but a blur
reading the remainder of life from lists.
Telling you all that has been achieved
despite knowing I’ll say it often.
Still pursuing the grieved
hoping maybe it’ll soften.
You still being here
the birds starting to explain the time is near.

The Day You left Became the Day I Began
The Day you left became my strength within,
You were my fraternal twin,
From the day we met,
Our bond we kept,
Sisters forever,
We thrived together,
We played on our playset,
Laughing, running, jumping into the sunset,
Until that day that you left,
Oh, how I will never forget,
You were so much fun as we would grow and learn,
Now my heart yearns,
Throughout our school age years,
You protected me from my peers,
See we were a team,
We fought daily to have our dream,
We knew that together we were better,
Our differences did not matter,
Laughing, running, jumping together,
Until the day you left me forever,
I was so confused the day you became ill,
You were so strong and had great will,
The will to achieve,
The will to believe,
I just knew you could pull through, with the powers that be,
God knew and could hear my plea,
I could not help you but only be by your side,
Like twins do, I was in for the ride,
I never thought with all your strength and might,
That my forever sister would lose her fight,
I did find peace in my heart,
There was nothing that could keep us apart,
When a friend asked, how do I keep my order,
I simply said, it is my sister and her higher power,
You left me that day,
It must have not been your time to stay,
However, what never left was my vivid memories of how you protected me,
You left me with your strength deep down inside me,
You left me with your enthusiastic desire to win,
I know I will fight until the end,
Your strength your pride,
You left that for me on the inside,
I know that your love for me will never leave,
There is nothing I cannot achieve,
Because of your love for me and I for you,
There is nothing I cannot do,
I will always miss you forever,
My love for you I will never surrender,
Laughing, running, jumping, together,
You have inspired me my whole life through to be whatever I wish to be,
Nothing will ever separate you from me.
By Angela Pinkins

They played this video of you at your memorial
Where you’re just a little girl running in a field talking about butterflies
I think it’s your birthday
And it is not lost on me all the innocence absent from those later years
My dear friend you’re nothing but an urn now.

I think about the fact that we all had daughters.
And I wish more than ever our girls could all meet.
And we would tell them about us as little girls.
Running in fields
Talking about butterflies
On our birthdays.

—
I love you, I miss you, madly.

A letter in memory of my dad…The Things I Carry

Several years ago, our youngest son, Aaron was required to write an essay for his English class entitled, “The Things I Carry”…I remember being intrigued by the topic of his essay. This particular essay focused on the physical objects he carried in his backpack, his wallet, and then also the objects that cluttered his truck. He was also required to write about the collection of memories that were important to him. Years later, I find myself reflecting on my dad’s life and the “things” I carry, along with the memories that I have about my life with my father.

On April 10, 2010, I said my final goodbyes to my dad. Later that week, I stood up and shared what I believed to be important memories of my dad. I spoke about his love of sailing at the Afterbay at Lake Oroville, California, his love of sailing on his favorite Northern California lake–Lake Almanor, and his love of sailing the ocean blue…so true. I spoke about his love of taking his girls up to Lake Almanor–fishing, sailing, staying at our PG & E cabin, and just the joy of being a family. I also shared that I will also carry in my memories because of my dad:
~the fact he loved each family member unconditionally
~his love of blue Ford Mustangs…both convertibles and hardtops
~his love of backyard birds
~his ability to accept you for who you are
~the connection I feel to his birthplace, Orland, California, and our family that still lives there
~his love of a-monds, not All-minds
~his love of black licorice and jujubes
~the joy he received from the births of each of his 13 grandchildren
~his determination to conserve energy; always reminding us to turn off all the lights in the room when leaving
~his dedication to his job with Pacific Gas and Electric
~his love of his Caspar Beach vacation spot in Mendocino
~his desire to be a successful a-mond farmer
~his willingness to help the family out when in need
~the dedication he had to help his Uncle Bill out while his uncle fought terminal cancer
~his love of breakfast–early morning trips to Jack’s Restaurant or the Cozy Diner..sometimes accompanied by a family member or not
~his love of books and reading newspapers….many newspapers.
~my dad’s ability to be calm and cool under pressure
~his collection of boxes of things…carrying them from home to home…and now how his girls do the same thing.

I now think about the things I carry in memory of my dad…what I do carry may not be objects that my dad possessed, but what I carry is the essence of what a good person he was…there may have been challenges in our lifetime–issues that never got resolved, words that were never spoken, feelings that were never expressed, but for today, I am choosing to honor the man who I remember at age 11–the man who cuddled me and protected me from the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West. The things I carry about my father’s memory, I’ve discovered are not just the big moments in life, but those moments that if not paying attention, may just be a whisper away…I miss you Dad–every day.

With each stitch and square
Each row and thumb prick
Your story has been told

Each quilt is a story you share
The battles you’ve survived
And the last battle you lost

A smile like yours is rare
Each day im starting to believe you’re truly gone
Everyday my heart breaks a little more

Watching the life you’ve made disappear
It hurts to know you’re gone

It hurts to know I won’t ever see that smile again
That I won’t ever hear that laugh again
That I won’t feel your touch again
That I won’t ever smell that old grandma smell
That I wont ever taste your sweet ice coffee

But each each stitch I make in my quilt is how I tell your story
It’s how I can tell our story

My Tash,
This is one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write. When I speak or think your name, the tears form in my eyes and slowly start escaping down my cheek. Once the tears start, they don’t stop and they come down faster as the water over Niagara Falls.
When I think of you, I think of how beautiful you were inside and out. I think about how I had so much fun and was at my happiest when you were around. I think about no matter how hard you fought for great things, and the world stayed on top of you, that you found a way to always be genuine and caring. You stayed fighting for others and bringing peace.
I will never forget the night on June 2nd, 2020, when I received a call with dad sounding frantic. Shiba I’m at the hospital with Tash! Shiba does your sister have illnesses? Shiba is there anything wrong with your sister medically? I replied, only for him to hang up and call me back once again. They said they didn’t know what was wrong. Nothing is working.
Dad yelled at me to call mom and hung up. I called so many times. I know it was late. Not to mention the middle of the country doesn’t always have reception. Mom! Please answer! I wish I could have gotten through to her Tash. I tried.
Dad raced to the house and picked me up. No regards to covid or the red lights. He sped to the hospital. He told me to sit back and I told him “not until I made sure you were okay.” We make it to the hospital, and he smiles with the staff. They hand me my mask and we get through security. Dad pointed to the room and as my hands hit the door, he yelled out that you were gone.
I looked at him in disbelief and i pulled my arms back and pushed the door so hard and fast to walk around the curtain and see you on the table. The tube was in your mouth and your eyes were closed. I broke out loud in cries. Tash, you, my baby sister, was laying on the table, lifeless. All I could do was rub your hair and kiss your forehead like I always did when I came to see you. You were only 37!! How could this even happen?! You was never supposed to go before me.
My world was shattered. I could barely walk. I could barely stay in the room. I could barely stand up next to you. I protected you from everything I could and I failed you on this. I couldn’t protect you. I didn’t even know. I wasn’t there! I am now an empty shell. My best friend, my baby sister, I basically helped raise you. I took care of you like I was the mom. I miss you so.

Dear Tash,
It’s me again. Your babies are doing the most beautiful things. They are so grown up now. I know you are proud of them as you watch over them. You did an amazing job and I am also extremely proud of them.
I miss you. Your birthday and your pass days are still the hardest for me. Sometimes, tears escape just a little bit and sometimes they escape a lot. I will never forget you. I am honored and blessed to have ever had the chance to have you in my life. God said love your people because you never know when they will be needed back. I definitely didn’t know he needed you so soon. I loved you immensely when you were alive, and I love you just the same now. I just have an unwavering pain in my heart. I really miss you.
Your nieces and nephew are doing amazing things as well. Your newest great niece Winter is so cute and sweet like her brother. She would have loved you. The kids all miss you. Your friends still miss you. They visit my page often to check on me and feel a bit of you. You have really good friends Tash.
Thank you for the frequent dream visits and thank you for the birds, butterflies, ladybugs, breeze, dimes and rain. Thank you for the light flickers to let me know you are there. Thank you for your subtle touch on my arm or forehead when I am asleep or relaxing deep in thought. I know you are always here.
I love you so much Tash. I will never, ever forget you. No matter what I go through, you will aways be on my mind and always have a place in my heart. My baby sister. You were gone too soon. But one day, I will get to visit you and we will laugh and dance on the moon.
Love Always,
Shib

In loving memory of my little sister Natausha(Tash), an extraordinary woman who loved beyond fault and without boundaries. I cherish her forever.