Dear Fear,

I’ve gotta be honest, I am so exhausted of fighting with you. Every single time I make a move to chase down a dream or let myself be vulnerable, you find a window to the very room I tried to lock you out of. You make me question if I locked the door at all or if I opened it and welcomed you in. I don’t want to treat you like a villain, because I know in a way you’re trying to protect me. Sitting in my nervous system waiting to run to my aid so I don’t get hurt….but you have to know this isn’t healthy anymore.

I stepped away from you when I let myself pursue acting without the dreadful question of “Is this the right thing for me?” and that alone took a year and a half of codependence on you. I drew a line in the sand and allowed myself the peace of mind to know I could start over, enjoy myself and the life I wanted.

I stepped away when I took the risk of flying to a new city by myself for the sake of seeing a new place. You had a vice on me unlike anything I’d ever felt when you reappeared as a hurricane. A disaster of an external circumstance I had no control over and no idea how to handle but I took back my power when I realized that sometimes it’s okay to be scared.

That’s the thing with you fear, you show up in a way where I end up hating myself because you exist in the depths of my brain. You make me wonder if I’ll be safe in a massive storm. If I’d be judged, hated, or seen differently somehow, were I to be seen by an audience rather than a character in the background? If boyfriends or clients would take me less seriously because I’m friendly and funny. Asking myself “What if (enter self-doubt here)?”

You already know this because relationships take two to tango, but we are toxic. You have had me terrified and shaking to the point of breaking because you want me safe….and all I’d ever known before you…was safe. I know you have moments where you mean well. It’s the way you exist, to keep me out of harm’s way-but you and I both know we can’t keep this up anymore. If I have to take a risk, then so be it and maybe a little part of you stays because risks are uncomfortable, but I’ve had no choice but to let myself get comfortable in the uncomfortable.

I don’t want you around to make me overthink, over-analyze, over-explain. That isn’t your purpose anymore, fear. If you have to show up because I am in real danger, fine, but no more. If I can get to where I am now because I took risks, then it’s time for you to know that I don’t need you to take over when I step towards the new ones.

I’m letting go of the chain now fear, you’re free to go….and so am I.

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