I’m slowly changing; I’m not who I used to be. You shouldn’t need to worry about who we become. I’m not that scared little girl anymore who was afraid to stand up for herself and let her voice be heard. We let ourselves get bullied because of our petite size and having a noticeable Adam’s apple. We let people walk all over us, use us, and say things behind our backs. Now, I’m no longer afraid to speak my mind. Not just because of being a woman, but I guess in a way from family genetics as well. It is the way we were raised and know that our Great Aunt is that way; she speaks her mind and speaks the truth no matter how painful, but also is filled with love.

Even though speaking up may cause a situation to get worse or have someone say something negative, we shouldn’t be scared to speak up instead of letting others speak up for us. The new me is no longer letting others speak up for me because it is our job as who we are to speak up. I’m no longer as shy as I once was, as you know how naturally shy we are in general. Of course, a part of me will forever remain shy, however as I’ve gotten older and grown up I’ve been slowly being more open and not as quiet. Around meeting new people, obviously, we are shy. I’m changing because I now know my worth in this world and have so much more self-love and self-confidence. Old me, we are beautiful and should let it shine.

I know we used to feel so self-conscious and always think about how boys could like us and see in us something other than our personality that shines within us. But do not fret, old me, our body changes unexpectedly dramatically as we get older, and it helps positively to let our confidence shine through. Remember how Mommy and Daddy used to tell us that men would always chase after us and like us? Well, our parents are right because it is true. But we do come to find a young man who sweeps us off our feet like our favorite Disney film, Cinderella, who comes to love us for who we really are. This young man is our knight in shining armor, just like we wanted.

I’m not who I used to be, old me, because of the horrible situations life tossed at us that tried to break us down. I know certain situations literally tore us apart physically and mentally. I know Mommy and Daddy separating for good unexpectedly got to us more than we realized. But the heartbreak doesn’t last forever, old me, I can promise you that, cross my heart. We are strong, we can make it through anything and come back stronger. Mommy and Daddy stay on good terms and love me and our brother. Staying together as a family is the surrounding love we need to keep in mind. Everything happens for a reason; remember that always.

I know death seems to surround us, as we still don’t quite understand why God takes the people we love so soon. Old me, it doesn’t get any easier as we grow up. As you know, we’re born, we live, and we die. Sometimes, some people we know get taken too soon. However, just remember that we are spiritually gifted, we can sense and know when our family members we lost are with us always. They become our guardian angels, and we will see them again someday. I know it’s never easy, and it gets hard, but be prepared to deal with it when the moments come. The new me understands it so much better and takes time to appreciate more what’s around and to appreciate the small, precious things before it’s too late.

Old me, there’s so much more I can say, but it won’t be enough. Instead, I can give words of advice. Yes, it takes ages to figure out what we want to do in life, but we eventually and slowly find our path to greatness. I advise not completely giving up on our faith and praying to Jesus and God when needed the most. I advise keeping in mind that no matter what, we shouldn’t give up completely. We are loved, we are wanted, we are worthy to live in this world. Old me, life is short; we never know what happens. We can be here today and gone tomorrow. So never give up, chase your dreams, live each day like it’s your last. Old me, you should see us today, you would be so proud of how far we’ve already come, as we’ve always just begun to live.

It’s never too late for anything old me, remember that, and always have love.

Love,

The New Alexcia.

Anxiety is an endless invisible string you carry on your shoulders
Anxiety is often misunderstood and not a simple to-be-fixed mistake
Anxiety is a daily struggle that never stops
Anxiety takes over the mind with overthinking, worries, and constant self-shame
Anxiety can’t a hundred percent be fixed with medication
Anxiety can make you look calm, but you feel like you’re dying inside
Anxiety can cause mental and physical struggles unknowingly
Anxiety can easily cause panic attacks like your lungs collapsing
Anxiety makes you worry over the simple little things frequently
Anxiety can make you practice conversations in your head before you speak
Anxiety makes it uneasy to relax and destress and takes guidance
Anxiety involves every stress of life that makes it worse
Anxiety isn’t just “you’re overreacting” or “just relax.”
Anxiety can cause misunderstandings and misinterpretations
Anxiety can lead to some having a lack of empathy when it’s unbearable to grasp
Anxiety can make you isolate from social situations and want to be alone
Anxiety isn’t for the weak but shows how strong you really are
Anxiety is a big deal of a disorder and is treatable but still tough
Anxiety is a horrible mental struggle that not many understand
Anxiety takes depth to truly comprehend and help those when needed
People who don’t understand anxiety need to understand two things
It is a struggle and know what to do to help and deal with someone who does

After years, the day is finally here
At 22, I had started my long voyage
Not knowing what to expect, I was in fear
The road seemed endless, with long days and nights ahead
But with support behind me, they cheered for me

After years, the day is finally here
At 23, I was passing my way through classes
Being advanced, I would complete it sooner than later, dear
Between constant death, moving, heartbreak, and more
I didn’t know how to handle life’s hardships while full-time

After years, the day is finally here
At 24, things were tough, but I carried on
Letting God and Jesus guide my way, my path became clear
I worked so hard but was doing excellent
Through the tears, I toughed my way through without giving up

After years, the day is finally here
At 25, my heart and brain were extremely exhausted
My dedication and sweetness to everyone was endear
Onward and upward, a lot of growing and healing was made
Step by step, I got closer and was filled with promise and hope

After years, the day is finally here
At 26, I felt new as a new path began to unfold
While I spread my wings as my new chapter was all clear
I had support behind my back from family, friends, and my lover
On December 14th, I was filled with joy, hearing cheers, laughter, and glory

There aren’t enough words to express or describe the amount of gratitude I give to myself. The amount of hardships and battles I had to face on my own and deal with consumed me as if someone was suffocating me to death. As a start, I mostly thank myself for slowly crawling my way through like a turtle to the finish line of finishing and completing my college degree. Being financially broke, struggling with money, having no job, and living with a parent while being a full-time online student. However, having so much support around me was the glue I needed to have the strength to see it through. I thank myself for continuously confronting death with those so close to me but silently dealing with the fact of thinking, who else will I lose someday? The way it suddenly hits me hard at certain moments is like an ocean wave crashing to shore as a result of a hurricane. My grandfather, my Godmother, my Great Aunt, my cousin; all people who I’ve recently lost and have devastated me. I thank myself for coming to terms with the mistakes I’ve made which make me stronger. No one on this Earth is perfect, but like a phoenix, I continuously rise from the ashes. I thank myself for not bottling up my heart and giving love a second chance when I was afraid. Knowing I made mistakes, but the man I love did too, and bad things occurred. In the end, if you still are deeply in love with that person, what’s stopping you? A love that feels so true and so rare is hard to find, like a diamond in a mine, and I will do anything to protect the love I have for my special someone. I thank myself for gaining more confidence in myself no matter how I look. To glance at my reflection at my most vulnerable each day in the mirror and say ‘I am beautiful’ with a smile on my face. Finally, I thank myself for not giving up and persistently working hard by pushing myself to do better. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, and I try to keep it in my mind to see it through to the end. As a whole, a quote from Harry Potter, spoken by Albus Dumbledore, is something I’ll always live by as long as I try, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Thank you me, thank you for everything this year you’ve shown me.

Oh, little me, I know that in 2006, we were just merely 8 years old,
so young, innocent, beautiful, growing, and full of life.
Life was wonderful and carefree and we felt happy to be a kid.
But suddenly, in a flash, like a huge earthquake shaking and destroying planet Earth,
we lost our grandmother on Daddy’s side, Grammy.
Little me, I know what we were taught and learned of death from Mommy and Daddy,
yet there were certain things we couldn’t fully comprehend.
No one truly explained why Grammy was gone, just that we wouldn’t understand
or that you’ll find out someday when you’re old enough.
The only thing we knew was that she had passed and wasn’t ever coming back.
Little me I know we didn’t fully comprehend what was going on anymore
or how our entire world would start falling apart from that day on.
At her service, we saw Grandpa cry, and we stood right beside him as hearts were breaking,
and we were comforting him, offering a hand and a shoulder to lean and cry on.
When we had to say our final goodbye, we didn’t cry; we constantly prayed instead.
Little me I know from that day on that death followed closely throughout the years,
and sometimes it felt like a curse, Grandpa even passing a year later in 2007.
While death felt like a cruse, sometimes we couldn’t even cry at all;
all the same, it was heart-wrenching, and the pain washed over us at times like a tidal wave.
I know we were born Catholic, but sometimes even cursed God, asking why.
But little me, as we grew up, we gained knowledge to understand the complexity of death.
Sometimes, some things occur for a reason beyond our command, for why we don’t know;
however, there are times when we can control certain aspects of our lives.
We know that death is a natural part of life, and it happens to us all,
at times, it happens sooner than later and can be quite unfair.
Little me, I wish you could hear me now when I tell you these things
because the pain of the grief that you tend to feel will always come and go,
but we have to learn to accept these sorts of things, as it’s a part of life.
The best thing we can do is to enjoy every day like it is our last.
Life is a beautiful thing, and death is, too, because those we know who die are at peace.
Little me, while I know we faced death at such a young age,
and since then, I’ve perserved it well, but even now, it still bothers me.
I know altogether that the concept of death is scary because of losing Grammy,
but as the years pass and we get older, it’ll happen, and we’ll have to face it.
You have to know to just embrace and cherish the moments you make in life.
Oh, little me, while the concept of facing death to those we love is beyond difficult,
and it may feel like your world is falling apart with having crying fits late at night,
it won’t get any easier, as with grief and death, it never is.
While I know too that we faced a task that no person wants a child to face so young,
please understand we’ll see them again one day when we go to heaven.
And little me, while death is never easy to face, no matter the age or time,
face it head-on: love and live life the best you can by making memories to last forever.

A simple nickname that holds so much meaning
Being caring, kind-hearted, and petite too
A delicate moment or memory
I didn’t know how much they would mean
Until all those moments became nothing but a memory
Sweetpea, a nickname from when I was a baby
A cartoon character baby from Popeye
That’s the nickname you chose for me
Because I reminded you of that character
Soft skin, sweet smile, and tiny as can be
Memories of our conversations play constantly on my mind
Not being able to be face-to-face
Or hear you say you love me and how proud you are of me
Godmom, I wish you didn’t have to leave this world so soon
But I know that God had called you home
I wish you didn’t get sick and fight for years
Constant treatment that took a toll on you
Still called me sweetpea at your worst moments
You couldn’t sing as it was your whole heart
Singing is where you belong, almost becoming a star
I can no longer hear your wonderful voice
Only now, old videos taken by my parents
I no longer can hear you call me sweetpea
It kills me so much, it hurts, and it will
You were my Godmom; we were very close
But through it all, you always reminded me
To be strong, live my dreams, not give up
You were a strong person with a good soul
Never gave up and kept pushing forward
Looking at the small things in life, always feeling thankful
Praying to God and Jesus for another day
That is how Godmom, you’ve inspired me
Your memory pushes me further each day
To live a happy life filled with love
And find and make my dreams come true
Your star song will be my forever song
Of the simple melody that plays in my head
Because it’ll make me think of you
And while Godmom, you’re now gone
Knowing you didn’t want to part this Earth
Without me, my mom, or the family
You’ll forever live in my heart
As an inspiration, strong, beautiful, gifted
Sweetpea is the nickname I was given
While it may appear to be simple, like a flower
It holds more than what I can ever describe
A simple, beautiful, tiny name that’s a part of me
Forever, I’ll be your only sweetpea

You’re perfect, my kind of perfect
Especially when we peck lips for a kiss
Feeling the intimacy with your gentle touch
It makes me feel so complete, whole, and alive
Just as if nothing was wrong and all my worries disappeared
You can hypnotize me with your gorgeous eyes
Or with the words you speak from your mouth
Either way, you make me forget of life’s hardships
And create a bubble like it’s only you and me
Within the current moment of Father Time
You can be a cute geek without the perfect tone body
Hate the way you laugh loud or have too much body hair
Either way, I’ll still love you just the same
Because the way you look, mmm, I can’t get enough
You can charm me with a big, adorable smile on your face
Become such a gentleman and a total romantic
Or even say I look beautiful when I think I’m a mess
Either way, I’ll fall for it everyday, every time, and anywhere
Because your smile and personality is out of this world
You can make mistakes and mess up like everyone else
Or accidentally say the wrong thing to hurt some feelings
Either way darling, no one is perfect on this earth
But no matter what, somehow and someway
You are my kind of perfect and always have been
Since the very first day that we met and fell in love
There’s so many ways to describe and say
Of just how perfect you are in my hazel eyes
I hope you can see it and believe it to be true
Because there’s simply no one else that can replace you
You are a one of a kind, my love, a one of a kind

I can recall a particularly bright summertime day
A big family party is held in the backyard
Everyone had gathered around from near and far to this event
The happy sensation of fits of laughter heard all around

A big family party is held in the backyard
I’m wearing my graduation cap and gown, and my high school diploma is in my hand
The happy sensation of fits of cheer is heard all around
There is nothing but love that fills my heart

I’m wearing my graduation cap and gown, and my high school diploma is in my hand
My elderly great-aunt came to me with a hug and a proud smile
There is nothing but love that fills my heart
I’m glad to have her here and see me graduate high school

My elderly great-aunt was close to me and had a proud smile
With a side hug, she smiled wide and posed with me
I’m glad to have her here and see me graduate high school
My mother begged us to take a family picture together

With a side hug, watching her smiling wide and posing with me
Other close family and friends wanted to pose with me too
As my mother begged us to take a family picture together
Before this excited, fulfilled party comes to an end

As other close family and friends wanted to pose with me too
Everyone had gathered around from near and far to this event
Before this excited, fulfilled party comes to an end
I can still recall this particularly bright summertime day