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ala shared a letter in the
Remembering those we lost/Grief group 8 months, 3 weeks ago sorrow in not my name.
ala,My shadow looked at me and said:
“Live.
I am gone and there is nothing you can do about that.No matter how many tears you shed
lingering on pages bleeding in forbidden ink,
you cannot bring me back.My time here is done and I have ascended
into the graceful arms of the great goddess abovebut you…
you are still human,
so act like it.allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of human emotions
without letting shame and guilt beat the humanity out of you.you are allowed to be broken
you are allowed to be sad
you are allowed to be happy
you are allowed to feel it all.you are allowed to be confused
and wonder why the same
patterns keep showing up in
a different hue
(until you’re ready to do something about it.)You are human.
Abandon your fear of fear
and accept that abandonment
fucking sucks.
But please understand,
that I am so sorry for abandoning you.
it was the last thing I ever wanted
but you know that we are not the ones in controlAccept that more lies in between
the lines than your eyes can see
and that’s okay.Chase after your dreams of being
a wanderlust,
and getting drunk on a flight
every time your soul attends its own funeral.
Because unlike me,
you are still human.
and you still have so much life to live.I’ll always be with you.
I’ll always love you.
I’ll always be present in your poetry
cheering you on along the way.
patiently waiting for you
to wake up to everything I’ve
dreamed and set in place
for you to achieve for b o t h of us.Our string may be invisible,
But it is still intact & attached to the cloud I float upon.
the one you only see in your dreams
where the moon is playing tricks
with the shadows.Death is nothing but the entity needed to bring us closer.
so place, do not carry sorrow with my name.Instead let genuine kindness
blossom in my likeness.
Show them that the whims
of performative niceness
are shallow because
kindness has no malice
or hidden intent
it exists because it is.And I existed until I didn’t.
But guess what,
you still do!!!
So please
continue on
because
I love you.
and you deserve to be truly,
genuinely,
unapologetically
happy, too 🙂Jae,
Two years came too soon and on this day, I choose to honor you.
Ala, your feelings will always be valid! You are the main character in your story, so I am glad you started acting like it! You are you and don’t ever apologize for that. I am so proud of who you have become! Great work ♥
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Thank you, Harper! We only have one life to live and we are truly the main character of our own story. Life is filled with so much more magic when we start living this way <3
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I love the perspective you chose to take in writing this. Living to honor those I’ve lost has been a large part of how I manage my grief as well. If feels like this is your reminder to yourself to do all of those things when it gets hard, and I know how hard it can get. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability.
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& thank you for sharing as well. I think early along in grief, it can get very easy to be completely consumed – making it your entire personality or way of being. I think much of the time that I feel Jae’s (my friend) presence, she’s trying to remind that while it’s okay to honor and grieve her, it’s equally important for me to still make the most out of m y life while I’m still here too. Our lives are so limited and we gotta make the most of it.
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