You’re so social they say. But little do they know my skin crawls and I feel like I’m going to ball every time I’m in front of you all. The panic and manic start to settle in , where do I even begin. I worry if I’m worthy or if they’ll all look at me and scurry. It all starts to get blurry and my mind starts to scatter like if everything I’ve accomplished never even mattered. My heart beats fast, and I can’t look past my old self I thought I laid on the shelf. But here she is, with all her might ready to fight. I’ve learned to fight back, despite the pain I feel of my old self, that was never healed which I’ve kept so concealed. She keeps me from going out and makes me miss out. Some say it’s all in my mind but I can’t seem to unbind, we’re the same person even if she was a different version. Some times I win and some times I lose, either way, my old self always seems to loom.

Style score 100%

I accept you vs I’m compliant towards you. These two words are often confused, confused like me. Acceptance ; when someone agrees with a group and internalizes their beliefs. 
Compliance ; when someone publicly agrees with a group, but doesn’t change their own beliefs.
You date acceptance but are married to compliance. You dip your toes in the ocean but never fully submerge yourself, then go tell stories about how you swam for hours. If you actually swam for hours you’d know what lives in the deep ocean , what pains , what heals , what I actually am. But you just dip your toes. Maybe you’re scared of what you might find in the depths of the ocean. Am I selfish for wanting you to swim or should it be a natural instinct to want to learn ?
I don’t know. You say I make you proud, but are you proud of parts of me or all of me ? Which one is it ? Do you gloat about parts of me or all of me ? Which one is it ? Are you only accepting of the dreams you envisioned for me or all the things that actually happened while awake ? Which one is it ? Is it okay to hold my girlfriend’s hand while you’re around or do I need to hide so no one sees ? Which one is it ? Can I love fully and loudly without you praying for my lost soul or do I need to only love in the confines of what love means to you ? Which one is it ? Do you accept me or are you compliant towards me ? Which. One. Is. It.

I’m the star child, isn’t that wild? The one who got good grades and was always praised. “It must feel so nice always feeling suffice”, people always say, but they never see my dismay. My brother and sister messed up, but not me, I’m the star child. The child who never messes up and keeps her chin tucked , the child that they tell their friends about whenever they need an ego boost or just another illusion to be produced. Because they made me this way, right? They made me the star child I didn’t ask to be and now it grabs a hold of me. Every step I take is calculated and planned I can’t even pee without raising my hand. Stuck In the shackles of their depiction of me while I scream and shout to be let out. But what if I told them I wasn’t a star, that I sit alone at bars wondering if I’ll ever actually be seen outside of the reality they painted me. The dead reality of who I am can’t seem to be let out, because of the fear I’ll shatter their dreams of who they thought I’d be, but how is that fair to me? Maybe I am a star. Stars are just dead, bright lights we see at a distance, anyway. To them, that light shines so bright, even in the darkest of nights.

Style score 100%

Your fire is what I admire, what I desire. You light a fire in my soul and fill the bowl in my chest with passion my mind can’t even ration. I must be in a daze or maze, trying to run and hide but every corner I turn your fire still burns. I crash into wall after wall getting burned and even then I wouldn’t want to return. Because a life without passion is something most people lack in. Even if you burn me to ashes and leave me with unhealed gashes i would still run into your maze, even on my saddest of days. I hope you never lose your fire and allow it to burn bright even on the darkest of nights, when you wanna give up the fight. Because once you start to touch people with that flame it’ll catch like match, batch after batch and soon the whole world will be on fire just like the girl I’ve always admired.

I used to make a wish on 11:11. But now the time goes by and I don’t even bat an eye, because I used to wish for you and I. You are the shooting star I wished on when I was young , the birthday candles I blew out on my 23rd birthday, the penny I threw in the fountain, you are everything I asked for and more. How did I get so lucky ? Was it all the wishing and fishing in the sea of all the people I’ve ever met , I’d make a bet they’d think it’s luck. But the reality is I had to fight for you. Fight the demons at night that held me so tight. They told me I wasn’t worthy of love and that everyone else would be put above, that is until you showed up. Your green eyes and perfect smile just in time to drive me wild but somehow also make me feel calm and protected. All the times I went fishing in the sea of people when in reality you were the whole ocean and all I had to do was look up , and I guess that’s why they called it luck. I don’t know what to wish for on 11:11 because you already feel like heaven.

Old self

You’re so social they say. But little do they know my skin crawls and I feel like I’m going to ball every time I’m in front of you all. The panic and manic start to settle in , where do I even begin. I worry if I’m worthy or if they’ll all look at me and scurry. It all starts to get blurry and my mind starts to scatter like if everything I’ve accomplished never even mattered. My heart beats fast, and I can’t look past my old self I thought I laid on the shelf. But here she is, with all her might ready to fight. I’ve learned to fight back, despite the pain I feel of my old self, that was never healed which I’ve kept so
concealed. She keeps me from going out and makes me miss out. Some say it’s all in my mind but I can’t seem to unbind, we’re the same person even if she was a different version. Some times I win and some times I lose, either way, my old self always seems to loom.