Dear Monday the 14th, 2024
The moment you figured out you were happy
The moment you have peace in your life
The moment you have been dreaming and waiting for
The days leading up to that, finally paying off
The medicine finally working
Means looking forward to the future
Knowing everything will be okay
Seeing the stars align for me
Getting excited about life again
Feeling the joy in the world
Wanting to be alive again
Trying to extend the moment as long as I can
Trying to not to blink
Only going up from here
Finding the strength within myself
Fighting everyday for happiness
No one or nothing taking away your smile
Becoming nothing but yourself

Dear Unsealers,
My name is Meaghan, and I am a recovering addict. I emphasize “recovering” because I will always be recovering, one day at a time. If ever a day comes when I think I am fully cured from the disease of addiction, the world better watch out.
I started drinking alcoholically when I was 15. I drank to get drunk because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. By 19 I was a daily black-out drinker, and drugs had entered the picture. For the next ten years, my life revolved around drinking and drugging. My older brother was also an addict. His drug of choice was heroin. The idea that I was also an addict was inconceivable because I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arm. My brother died from a fentanyl overdose when he was just 29. I wasn’t the one being buried, so obviously I didn’t have a problem. I was black-out drunk before noon on the day of his funeral.
I was functional until I wasn’t. I was at the height of my career working in fashion in the best city in the world, New York [City]. My bills were paid, I could afford my lifestyle, and I had friends who liked to party like I did. Life was fast and exciting. My addiction in my twenties knew many ups and downs. I’d go through a manic party phase and then a deeply dark and isolated phase.
By 27, my body started to shut down. I took a leave of absence from work and that quickly turned into a bender that lasted a few years. I would bring myself up with alcohol and cocaine; and I brought myself down with more alcohol, pills, and marijuana. At 30, one of my best friends suggested I try to “dry out” for a month. I told her I didn’t know why I would do such a thing and regardless, I didn’t think I could. Her reply was “Then do you think you might have a bigger problem?”. That was when the seed was planted. This started the journey of recovery that has led me to where I am today.
No one had ever challenged me to stop using. I went to my first AA meeting a couple of months later. I wish I could say I’ve been sober [ever] since, but I chronically relapsed. I moved from New Jersey down to Florida in February 2021. Turns out I’m an addict no matter what state I’m in. It took me almost 4 years to put together one consecutive year of sobriety. My sober date is December 11, 2022. However, the real turning point was five months later in May of 2023.
I was sober but my life was completely unmanageable. I’d been kicked out of every place I had lived in since moving down to Florida. I was still quite unemployable, and I was squatting in an apartment with 3 males I barely knew who were actively using drugs. One day, I collapsed to the ground. For the first time, I pleaded with God to take over. I had been trying to “do recovery” my way and it was a disaster. Not even a week later, I found myself in a halfway house. It saved my life.
I spent the next year getting healthy, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, and learning how to hold a full-time job. I made friends who have become my family. I became responsible and respected. Most importantly, I found my purpose.
I work professionally in the recovery community helping other addicts find a new way to live. The basic requirement is to have lived experience and a message of strength and hope to share. After almost a year to the day I arrived, I moved out of the halfway house into a small studio; just me and my two cats.
The rooms of AA and NA brought me back to life, but I had to do the hard work to learn how to love myself. Today I try to do the next right thing. When I mess up, I take accountability. I surround myself with like-minded sober people. With God’s grace, I am approaching two years sober.
My disease is life or death. I must chase my recovery like I chased my drugs. It’s been the hardest journey, but the most rewarding. If you ever go to a meeting, you’ll likely hear the words, “Keep coming back.”. Through countless relapses, that’s the one thing I did. It’s because I kept going back that today I have a choice. Today I choose to be a sober addict. I have found a way, just for today, to turn my mess into my message. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it comes.

I stood on the corner with others in the cold
I grabbed what I could to feed the hungry & the old

They had nothing in their hands but dust & sores
Their shoes tattered and clothes with holes

“Do you have more? I need more they said”
Laying on the floor without a bed

“This is all I have, I’m so sorry.
I’ll do my best to come back in a hurry”

“Thank you, mam,” they all said.

“What do you need?” I said
“Socks and warm food, I’m cold.”

Down the street someone asleep as others walk over them
Sunburned, dried hair, and nothing to cover

Their cracked skin, no shelter, no water

I shed a well of tears that woke the earth
And shortly after I gave birth

To a drive inside to fight harder & to never hide
The power of my ferocious voice

My will of fire became unmatched
As I unleashed my skill & removed my mask

Beneath, a face of many
Two feet on the ground standing steady

I knew what I had to do
To turn the skies from grey to blue

I refused to let the fear make me believe
That there was no one like you and me

Who also cared about the world
And all the life that lived inside her

With debt on my back
I turned to others to help me lay a new track

A new path to justice
As we march ahead to help the many

Unafraid of what would come next
But we knew, we would stand together at our best

My mom let a demon in, cracks in the door,
New husband, old scars, we can’t ignore.
Crack pipe dreams, steal the food stamps,
Welfare checks gone, he left in a trance.

Brothers crying, shadows on the wall,
I’m out there hustling, catch me if I fall.
Delivering drugs at dawn, missin’ the first period bell,
Football dreams crushed, a scholarship fell.

Real dad’s absent, love’s just a lie,
Knows our pain, leaves us high and dry.
Mama’s blind, love turned into chains,
Stepdad’s sneaky fists, filling mom and my little brothers with pain.

At seventeen, I grab the piece,
Walk to their room, time for release.
Mama’s tears, pleading with her eyes, “Son, please don’t,” were her desperate cries.

Pack my bags, leave it all behind,
Seekin’ faith, some peace to find.
Ain’t a perfect dude, but I need hope,
Ya Allaah guide me, please help me cope.

Gone from home, streets become my guide,
Prayin’ hard, won’t let this slide.
Life’s a struggle, pain so real,
Still I stand, refuse to kneel.

For my brothers, for my soul,
Climbin’ out this endless hole.
Step by step, findin’ my way,
One last prayer, every single day.

Brandon’s pushed to the edge, can’t see the light,
Praying to Allaah , in the dead of night.
Broken dreams, hope left behind,
In a world so cold, getting drunk to ease my mind.

Mama, I forgive, but I won’t forget,
Path’s been hard, but I ain’t done yet.
From the shadows, I rise and see,
Strength within, Alhamdullilah I’m finally free.

In happier times
Together always, and also apart
Smiling on the outside, crying inside
Holding hands, mile-high walls between us

In happier times
Joined by paper, properties
By kids, by work, by bills,
By love, by hurt, by hate, by hurt

In happier times
Music throughout, wrong music, but music
Watching TV, wrong shows, but together right?
Dinner together, one ate and one cooked, cleaned, and served
Happier times?

And now – alone, and yet not alone
Friends, family, strangers
Sometimes crying outside
But then, smiling on the inside

No longer joined by paper, properties
Work, bills, love hurt, hate, hurt
No more bad music, no more wrestling shows
Dinner together – with kids and two goldfish
Finally, happier times

Daughter. Sister. Mom.

Love. Light. Joy.

Shattered to Black.

Buried. Hatred. Shame.

Darkness. Pain. Broken.

Tiny Crack.

Shards of Light.

Shattered Shell.

No Longer Hell.

Love. Light. Joy.

Forgiveness.

Love. Light. Joy.

Forevermore.

To my love,

I found you somewhere between the noise of strangers and twinkle lights of a small town I didn’t know very well. I notice your mustache. Thick above a mouth that didn’t rush to speak.

As I read your Tarot, you were seemingly uncomfortable, but your eyes, steady as they are, held a longing like you wanted to lean closer, but did not quite know how.

Your comfortable self-reliance stood out. Noticing a problem and taking care of it quietly, a display of thoughtfulness that snuck up on me. And that same thoughtfulness turned toward me, too. Soft thoughtful touch cradling my neck from a sincere place of wanting to help. Helping to ease a pain in my body you didn’t even cause.

Only two encounters in the same room and I felt like my skin might light on fire if it brushed against yours. My trip swiftly concluded but our voices wrapped around each other for hours slowly building a bridge made of words and warmth across thousands of miles. Those hours turned to days, to weeks, months.

One plane ticket and you were loading your suitcase into the back of my car. Seeing you in person again felt electric and strange, like walking through a memory I hadn’t made yet. We managed our nerves by falling in love in amusement park lines and technicolor nights on mattresses on the floor. We did it scared. “I’d have regretted it forever if I didn’t go,” you said.

With phone lines and airport good-byes, we found each other everywhere. We made homes in hotel rooms. From suites in Florida to a camper van in misty Oregon. The valleys in California and a cozy basement in Virginia held up the FaceTime backdrops to budding love. We kept moving, finding new places to exist together.

There was something about our love that buzzed under the surface that felt much like waiting in those amusement park lines. The anticipation for an exciting experience that I knew I wanted more than anything never really went away. We were always waiting. Waiting for the next trip to see each other, then waiting for the next time we say goodbye. A quiet consistency never came because we just did not quite make it to the ride we were hoping for.

In the heat of our first summer, I got the news. An unwelcome, ugly line carved through our grand plans to find that place that felt like home for US. You flew to me and folded yourself into my new tortuous reality. Holding my hand with silent strength in your grip as if to say, “we’re in this together.”

You watched as I began to fade — leaving you mostly alone. Unsure of when I would be there for you and when I would not be. Unsure of which memories were made and which ones were lost. My mind faltered, and my strength drained away. My hair and forty pounds of muscle and fat vanished before we even had the chance to catch our breath.

You held me through the sickness, but more than that, you kept me steady. Encouraging me both up and down mountains. When I was ambushed by unexpected sickness, you held a calm leadership back to the safety of our home. You kept me looking after myself even when I thought I couldn’t.

Filled up water bottles and forehead kisses on my freckles throughout the many days I slept and slept. I felt those. As my hair fell, my face swelled, and my body shrank, I lost the regard I once felt for my own beauty. But you didn’t. “You’re beautiful every day you wake up,” you would say in a time where waking up at all was a beautiful thing it its own right.

You took care of me, yes, but it was deeper than that. You saw me at my most fragile, and you stayed. You stayed because that is who you are. A rare and steadfast compassion that I’ve only encountered before in my late father’s heart.

Before we can even begin to grieve, a new intrusion rears its ugly head. Cancer. Again. This time in your father, in Virginia — a place I cannot follow.

The further from my treatment we walk together, the more the reality sets in. We are forever changed. Untangling the barbwire knots that cancer left behind rips and pulls at the fragile seams of our hearts, deepening wounds we can only heal one way — apart. Our careful, wild beginning was stolen. And now a rediscovery must take place. We both deserve to have that.

The irony isn’t lost on me: cancer was the reason you came here from Virginia, and now it is the very thing that is taking you back. Exactly two years after the day you bought your plane ticket for our first date, you board your flight back to the house you grew up in.

Watching you leave cut me open to reveal a deep love I quietly knew was there but wasn’t sure what to call it. You will always be my love. I will carry the impact your character left — thoughtful, gentle, unflinchingly loyal — like a steady light through all the darkness that’s come before and whatever may come next.

Take care, my love. I’ll be seeing you.

With all my love,

Dear Self,

I remember the storm,
The bruises, invisible yet heavy,
How your heart, once bright,
Faded into shadows of his rage.
But even in the darkest nights,
Jesus was there, whispering,
“You are not alone.”

You were so young,
Early twenties,
Still figuring out where you belonged,
When his words turned to shackles,
And his hands became chains.
But you, oh you,
Were never meant to be caged,
For Christ had already claimed you.

I watched you break free,
Each step away from him
Like shedding a layer of pain.
The weight—both body and soul—
Fell away,
And in that lightness,
You found yourself again,
Cradled in His grace.

I saw you stand in the mirror,
Your reflection clearer than it had been
In years.
Jesus stood with you,
Teaching you to love her,
The woman He had created
With purpose and beauty.

You embraced every curve,
Every scar,
Every story etched into your skin,
Knowing that through His wounds,
You were healed.
And in His love,
You learned to love yourself.

You became your own hero,
But not without the hand of the One
Who carried you through it all.
A survivor with grace,
Rebuilding a life
He never deserved to touch.
With Christ beside you,
The world opened up—
Bright, endless, full of possibility.

Now, you carry that strength,
That love for yourself,
And for Him,
As a beacon for others.
A reminder that darkness can be left behind,
And that in Jesus, true joy is found,
For He is the Savior
Who made your heart whole.

With love,
The You Who Found Herself in Him

LAUREN- THE PHOTO OF THE BRICK GOES WITH THIS POEM. WHEN YOU READ IT, YOU’LL SEE WHY…

GOING TO BERLIN IN 1970 -for Hank

They were traveling by train
the whole family, for Thanksgiving
at seventeen it felt like being thirty
courage for the i-am-strong-enough
to face the i-don’t-know-what
speaking German wishing-to-know-words

even so he was in his own thoughts-
Where does genuine live?
Is it In amongst the realizations of the self?

Traveling with another Colonel’s family,
with another son of seventeen
both in railroad overnight sleeper berths
the Colonels had to be in uniform
crossing Enemy Territory as it was
the Enemy’s armed soldiers at railway stops in the dark
warned us not to exit the cars
if the train stopped, must have passports at the ready
should they be demanded by the communists.

It would take all night to get to Berlin due to the many stops
having left the freedoms of West Germany
fluttering on flagpoles at the border.

It was the first time, really, that he was aware,
like no kidding, that the suppression of men could be such
a real thing.

That realization never walked away again
the sight of man’s inhumanity to man
that persisted for the rest of his years

this epiphany became a finely tuned crap-detector
like gauging spoken truths for authenticity
or assessment of mood, or rank, at a glance.

Sometimes both revealing, and understanding, were pushed
into override, with wisps of smoke coming out
he had to get out, away from the despicable source

what of the half-truths
or the lying in the unnecessary competitions
in foolish men’s lives.
Sleep was a casualty of that night.
Excitement of so many AK-47s,
the danger slung on The Enemy’s shoulders
during the travel to West Berlin
so divided (one of the few walled cities left in the world)
the Berlin Wall was a living, breathing beast
the beast was hungry to eat those that loved freedom
the east had walled all around the west city with
guard towers sporting machine-guns overlooking barbed wire.

We were free to think and speak
our minds carrying on the traditions
that was why our Fathers wore the uniforms.

Yet there was Checkpoint Charlie
a passageway out of grey oppression
crossing over into sparkling clean air
the point of cruel suppression, of beyond unfair dictatorship
made by the hundreds of small white crosses
placed to honor where the dead had been murdered

those that had sought out of the chill, shot dead
sometimes having dug under the wire
perhaps hidden in the trunk of a car under blankets.

Those sights stayed with him far into his future years
the detector tuned to not just seeing lies
but to detect the oranges of tyrannical narcissism

he felt as if he had breached the walls of Mordor there
in the east walkers dressed in darks and greys
city streets there unkept, paint on walls peeling

a stark contrast to the bustle of the west side
where there were freedoms even to wear bright yellow
should one want to, and to think unencumbered

he sought the exploration of the Self
ever since, gathering strength
asking The Critical Questions, the hard Q’s
finding his answers where they may be
in a song, poem, or readings of the great works
perhaps in some direct act of a caring sort
observing when life reached that occasional pinnacle
where truth junctured with an intensity

combined with spontaneous, deliberate acts of kindness
produced those moments of humanness
that people remember and talk about for years later.

He remembered Berlin all his life.
His walking up to the communist wall of Checkpoint Charlie
seeing the machine gun in the guard tower
ranging his steps, following his direction
(his Mother standing there wanting to scream)
as he gently removed a loose brick
from the wall just by The Enemy’s gate
even the western Military Policeman directing traffic
watched him step back away towards safety.

Taking that red brick
an act out of a youthful sense of invincibility
became a brick in his own wall
the brick was in his study even now
holding a honored place on a shelf
near the volumes of philosophy
becoming a power cell in the course of his life
a light shining into the darkness
showing what it means to be a real human in the world.

In a sober group on Facebook-
My friend Lynn had to say,
From a good report God gave…
“The Lord closed your last chapter,
He knew you deserved a better life.
Things happen for a good reason,
Never look back at that chapter,
It’s closed and should always remain closed.
Keep moving forward.
Your future will be fantastic!!!
God Bless”
Again this makes me cry inside,
Knowing people cared,
When all’s I did was hide.
But she’s right and I believe in her-
Words of wisdom for sure do merge…
My direction too where I’m going,
So much love from and for others-
God is surely showing!
My past is gone and the door is closed,
And thanks to her I’ll open it no more!
Creative excitement doing the right thing..
And the only indictment is to live great dreams!
Of course the good Lord is making life better-
For He cut the cords of my chains and feathers!
God gave so much in Bible, Church, and Prayer-
And His great recovery with you I will share!
A wife, a family, and a living society
God had all along, because He always loved me!
Jesus is the door of life and faith He gave is key!
For life is so beautiful, and almost too good to believe!
Therapy even to the young child within,
This mortal body who thought he’d never win!
But He’s made me a winner, and He’s made me free…
Breakfast at his table, lunch, and dinner He feeds!
He lets me go about and do good works…
Sharing with others that have doubt because of pain and hurt!
I get to go to jail and walk right back out,
Telling them of the God who cannot fail, so they can find His route!
I get to go to juvenile and teach them teens how-
To live this life before death bites, and they can see no way around!
Around the Bends that life throws at them-
They can walk straight through- on the path that mends…
Mercy and Truth leading all the straight way,
By God and for you-to see the light of day!
The same Light that guides, leading freedom-forgiving hearts…
To walk right alongside of great living and new starts!!!
… Friends and brethren, mothers, and fathers-and yes of course sisters too…
Go with the light of the right examples…
That God has shown them the way through!
And Yes, God- is Always with you!!!

Dear younger me,
It’s been five years now. Since the night you turned 25. I wish you would have known then how much you are loved. But then again, would we be who we are today if not for that night? You were running from yourself. Running from the pain. Running from the one who loved you the most.

I know drinking and partying felt like the way out—to forget, to numb. Running into a strange man you didn’t know. Blacked out. Found down. But the strange man didn’t get you that night. No! You were rescued, saved, and taken in. The bartender who was smoking a cigarette outside saw you lying on the cold, hard, gravel. He stood up for you and brought you inside. You made it home that night—safe and alone.

Dear younger me, this is the night that changed everything. The night you knew God was looking out for you. The night He rescued you. Not just your physical body, but your soul. This was the night that began the journey of true self-worth. You, my dear, are so loved. You made it out. You put the bottle down. You stopped chasing men. You found the very thing you’ve been searching for all along. Freedom, love, and a savior.

My raw and fragile heart pulsed persistently, yet there was no life to its monotonous melody. Where once rhythm and rapture dwelled together, an endless void now stood.

The feeling described above, of downright defeat, falling to that dreaded place called rock bottom, this is the space where your life changes. I’ve encountered it many times, in a variety of forms, and yet each time I find myself there, I find a new refrain with the same answer, a new consolation from a source of boundless comfort, and a new, fuller way of being. It has been my great fortune in these darkest of depths to simultaneously come face to face with an overwhelmingly abundant reminder of the necessity and presence of love- the purest, deepest love imaginable. That which an infant feels, held in the warm embrace of a caring mother’s arms.

Weightless.

Safe.

Valued beyond price.

Cared for beyond measure.

The strength of the sentiment comes and goes as life progresses from those rock-bottom places, dwindling here and dominating there. I’ve had many moments that led me to encounter this old friend, many moments that crushed my spirit, broke my heart, swept the floor out from under my feet, and otherwise left me broken- with a brokenness too heavy for words. And yet, every time I’ve broken myself or been broken by the thousand shocks and stings of life, I’ve subsequently found a pathway to healing through, ironically enough, words.

My memory of hearing the most unexpected news that my brother was gay is less a movie of the moment and more akin to a snapshot. We sit there, frozen in this most unanticipated and yet fortuitous moment, and I’m unable to speak… at least with my voice. Rather, my eyes become the messengers of the full and broken heart within me. The tears that pour out say, “How could I have been so ignorant?”

“How could I unknowingly call my brother a sinner?”

“What does this mean for the vision of the world as I’d come to know it?”

“I’m not sure of all the answers, but I am sure that I love you, then, now, and always brother.”

How I wish I’d said that last line out loud, and perhaps I did. The unfortunate truth is that I can’t recall what I said, and I struggle to see beyond that still frame shot of us, sitting in the bed, knees inclined towards each other, my brothers head bowed in sorrow, shame, and a smidgen of relief, while my face stands awash with tears and a recognition of something- the faintest whisper of my fate. That I am a small drop in an infinite sea of love, and my only purpose is to be sharing that love with everyone I meet, engaging it, walking with it, glorifying it with every breath I have to spare while I’m on this circuital and short trip around the sun.

I became a disciple of love after that paradoxical moment- the one in which a simultaneous destruction/death of the “me that was” and the creation/birth the “me I was always meant to be” transpired. Ironically enough, in becoming a believer in love, I vowed to leave behind religion, and God as I knew him.

As I knew him then, God was cruel, illogical, petty, inconsistent, and could hold his own with those ancient Olympians and all their missteps, petty squabbles, and brutality. I’d waste no more time putting stock into developing a faith in and relationship with this figure. Rather, I’d invest my mind and heart in the service of love. The love that my brother deserved and deserves. The love that lets you know you’re welcome, no matter who you are. The love that cares not for the worst thing you’ve done. The love that in filling you up completely calls on you to share it with one and all. And so, I followed this quest of love, and I still seek to serve it- for no greater love is there than this, to give up one’s life for one’s friends.

I found the best pathway to do so was to spend my life returning the gift of a good teacher. See, after this life-changing moment, I was fortunate enough to have an English teacher who cared for me and gave me the tools of the written word to work through my new identity, my new life. Thus, I became a teacher, trying each and every day to give away that beautiful and life-changing boon to my students. To share the power of hope, love, and to make clear to them that words are an outstanding access point to these most beautifully human powers. I try to live as a testament and a reminder that when our words are made flesh, we change those broken parts and pieces into something even more authentically us.

In the way that I’ve written this note, I hope that it’s no surprise to you, that I have somehow found my way back to a relationship with the creator, the one who is, the one who is love, or as I call him now, God, Jesus, my friend and redeemer. The one who takes the broken pieces, holds them in love, and allows for new connections to form.

I also hope this strange twist makes you wonder: just how did you spend ten years in agnosticism and a more than robust skepticism of formalized religion to ultimately find yourself asking in earnest for the waters of baptism and rebirth in Christ? Well, I suppose that’s a life-changing moment for another story.

Fallen

How my heart hurt beloved,
How betrayed I felt,
By this hand, so cruelly dealt.
Do you know what that’s like?
When anger, disgust,
Bitter distrust
Seep in and threaten consumption?

My angelic brother
Banished to hell.
Like Lucifer
He was dropped, and he fell.
Yet, it was no pride in my brother that created this spell,
This damnation, his being cursed to live as a shell.
It was no fault of his own.
He desired no throne,
And still, it all just makes me groan
Because the word “fault” should not be a part of the conversation at all.

This denial of love,
Does not come from above.
Hatred only lurks within the human heart.
While they all beat the same,
We still insist on differing names,
Giving us reasons to blame.
Has this been there from the start?

This fear of what’s different,
What’s outside the box,
It’s a tale as old as time.
And now I ink my version down in rhyme.
These words on the page
Bring a sense of control.
A sense that this broken age
Could be something turned into a whole.

you are an overcomer.

and even in the midst of a thousand fiery foes,
you are a conqueror.

although your clothes are singed and ragged,
at your side you carry with you a sword made of the finest steel,
sharp enough to penetrate even the toughest of shields.

you are weary, but not asleep.
you are beaten, but not broken.
you are crushed down, but not destroyed.

the war is not yet over,
and your name has been called out
and written down as the victor
even before it began.

this is your time.
this is your place.

you will bear witness as the enemies fall all around you,
you will rise up above the ashes,
you will walk through the remnants of the slain.

woven tightly and deeply
into the very fibers of your being,

you were born to fight.
you were born to win.