“Dreams really can come true”

*I often look back at my younger self and think, oh, if she could see me today!

If I had the chance to tell her what I know now, what would I say?

Things are much different now than they were back in the day.

*You see when I was young I didn’t have your typical dream

My life wasn’t always what it seemed

Some days all I wanted to do was scream.

*There were times in my life I didn’t think I was going to make it.

There were days where all I wanted to do was quit.

You see I had trauma that needed healing, but I never wanted to admit.

*I thought that I could do it all on my own.

I never wanted any of my pain to be shown.

So I thought, I had to go through it all alone.

*Truth was there was always someone by my side.

He stood there with his arms open wide.

All I had to do was lay down my pride.

*You see pride is a deceiver, it makes you think you can do it all.

Truth is it just puts up a wall.

Eventually you learn, that the burden is too much to carry, and you fall.

*That’s what happened to me.

I fell down right on my knees.

Praying to God to forgive me, please!

*I had felt so worthless that I never thought I could be loved.

God said to me, my daughter you are beloved.

Your sins are forgiven because of his blood.

*Jesus gave his life so that I could be saved.

So that I no longer had to live a life of being enslaved.

His sacrifice and forgiveness makes me feel amazed.

*So here I am today.

I stand here to say, all will be okay!

With Jesus, you will find your way!

*Your dream to be loved and to be free is available for you.

I’m here to tell you that you will make it through.

With God he makes all things new.

*Dreams really can come true!

It can happen for you too!

So never give up on your pursuit!

“Release and be Free!!!”

*For most of my life I felt like I needed to control everything around me.

Truth is, all I really wanted was to be free.

I just didn’t quite know how yet, I was still blind and could not see.

*I was convinced that by being in control, I could decide my life’s course.

But we know that’s not how life works,

What I really needed was to plug into the source.

*Still, because of the trauma I had been through, I felt I had to keep myself safe.

Not realizing at the time, Jesus was my safe space.

What I needed was to remove the fear and take on peace in its place.

*I needed to learn to let go and release all my fears to God, to lay them at his feet

To release what I thought was control, so that I could have peace.

What amazing freedom I could have, once I was able to release!

*My journey to freedom I had to fight for.

But God said for you I have so much in store.

Areas in my life that were broken God said, I will restore!

*There will be moments where the enemy will try and tell you you’re not free.

That’s when you remind him of what God sees.

God says you are free and not bound and that is your decree.

*You see the enemys desire is to keep you bound and feeling defeat.

But we know the devil is under our feet.

With Jesus, our freedom we can reach.

*Your freedom is a choice you must make.

You must choose to release, choose to be free, choose that your freedom you will take!

*True freedom comes when you are able to let go.

Let go of all of your burdens and give God control.

Allow God in to heal you and make you whole.

*So choose this day to trust God and find your peace.

To let go, and let God, and let your weights be released.

Your freedom is waiting, all you have to do is lift up your hands and receive.

Was it my childhood? Or is this a personality trait? Why does not much ever feel good enough to me? It feels as though I sit around watching others succeed, while I bleed.

Look into the lens of an extremist. There is either good or bad, victory or failure. No wiggle room. There is no option for a roadblock or a mistake. Over time, this can manifest into such a deep rooted way of thinking and anxiety that it can torture you on a daily basis.

Now on the other hand, some people just strive high, had good upbringings, or just sensibly execute their goals. I could only imagine that not everyone who is highly successful lives torturous lives. I always wished I knew how to just keep things simpler. Sincerely, I wish I could. Still somehow I always find no middle ground, no matter the task. After a while it becomes easier to just shut down and not try things. Atleast not anything new or unfamiliar. Most perfectionists have some form of rigidness to them and in my experience a good portion of them don’t fare well in new environments or change.

Unfortunately, as I’ve reflected back on my own life I can’t help but wonder all the opportunities that may have passed me by, all the good people I could have met, all the smarter paths I could have chose, all those “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s”. I’ve found myself at times in a pit of comparing and judging. Whether it was myself- or other people.

If I could have just focused on things that made me feel more “whole” I could have found more peace, and my passions earlier in life. Writing, nature, music, things that truly bring me joy.

But this just goes to show that I needed to experience the life I did – to become who I am now. I may not have all the parts of me “whole” yet, but atleast I see the bigger picture here thanks to Jane’s wise quote and I can work every day at placing all the little pieces of myself together while I try to navigate through this thing called life.

~May we all keep our balance along the walk

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed”

It cannot be created. It cannot be destroyed. A law of thermodynamics.

You told me this when I was young, at a time when I didn’t realize it would be the only thing to bring me peace with the ever passing of time after your physical body left this earth. Where does our life force go when the lights go off? And the energy leaves our shell?

I believe it becomes one with the cosmos. And that is why I feel you in the stars.

I like to imagine your spirit shape shifting through the vast universe, making your way to me as often as you can – in my dreams, in my moments of despair, in the little signs that are just too perfect to be a coincidence. Your love for me transcends time and space, as does mine for you.

I love you, and will into eternity.

A friend once told me, “Wait until you get home to the States and see someone freak out like their whole day is ruined because someone messed up their coffee.”
Only for me to return to the land of the free…
To truly see how privileged and ungrateful we are…
I’m not denying that we all have our scars
The hardships that be
Yet we’re blessed beyond what we ourselves see…
My relatives grew up stereotypically poor
As their physically abusive drunk of a father left them wanting for more
Often abandoning them, and leaving them to live with different relatives
Who really didn’t have two craps to give
And when they had a home, their power would be shut off because they couldn’t pay the bill
Their food was often stale. Their clothes withered and torn
Only to be passed onto the next born
There was so much that could crush one’s will.
They had no gas in their car, and struggled to pay rent
As for an idea of their life cruel
One of them was once beaten because he needed a pencil for school
Yet there’s one message to me that same relative sent:
“We still have it better here than other people in the world. There’s people who are willing to help, and programs to help give us opportunities. There’s people in the world who don’t have that”
And I’ve never forgotten that…
As my own journey has unfurled
I have tasted and seen
Both what he and my other friend mean…
I’ve witnessed people fleeing their homes and pitching up tents
For the bombings refused to relent
My heart was heavy as a boulder
When I saw an elderly woman who was hit by shrapnel, and all of the flesh could be peeled from the back of her shoulder
Yet the doctors turned her away because she wasn’t a serious enough case
The realization of it all… I couldn’t stop the tears down my face
People scrambling to make themselves seem of use, in the hopes we wouldn’t send them back
Playing with kids, who for a little while, got to act like a normal kids
Things that could make anyone’s heart crack:
Mothers overjoyed to just see their kids having fun and full of joy
Fathers thanking you because of the smiles on their wife, girls, and boys
Or having to see the misfortune
Of seeing a child show up without his parents, because now he’s an orphan…
Now let’s move onto a different location…
Different place, different nation…
The capitol of the country is like that of a small city
Compared to our standards it’s almost a pity
You barely have to go just a few miles out
To witness people who are really going without
Living in wooden shacks with dirt floors
Only a cooking pot, and one mattress for a family of ten
But they were so friendly and kind, I would love to go there again
They were incredibly glad
To bend over backwards, offering you anything they had
It seemed so surreal…
Strangers inviting us to their homes and cooking us meals
Like… “I want to bless you, but instead you’ve blessed me!”
And it really began to open my eyes to see just how much of the States is a mess….
How we get hung up on issues so petty…
I watched a beggar with no legs, hopping up and down in a handstand for change…
So to get hung up on issues so small… to me… is kinda deranged…
But again… why don’t you tell me…
What exactly’s wrong with your coffee?

Dear Unsealers,

The moment that changed my life happened on a random Thursday in August of 2002. However, when it happened, I didn’t know my life would change.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here…

We have to go back to the summer of 2001.

I had a pair of surgeries on my right leg. This was the third round of surgery on my leg in an attempt to fix a deformity that had been with me since childhood. The most profound complication that having cerebral palsy brought into my life. Seven stitches and three pins in my middle toes. I was bedridden for most of the summer and at a shallow point. But I knew that I couldn’t give up on myself so easily.

Nine months of physical therapy would follow. Twice a week after school, I would travel to the Hospital For Special Surgery on the east side of Manhattan. It wasn’t easy, as my knee stiffened up in the process. In time, I would go from a wheelchair to a walker and a cane before ultimately ending up with a brace on my right leg.

On this particular Thursday, I went to visit with my surgeon. At the end of the appointment, he uttered these words: you can take the brace off.

I looked at him dumbfounded, and a bit terrified. I hadn’t taken a step forward without help in some time. But he wasn’t kidding, I could take the brace off my leg.

As I did, I took the first step forward. A beaming smile came across my face and so did it on the face of my mother. I took a few steps more after that.

All the memories of doctor’s appointments, orthopedics, and surgeries faded away. I could feel my self-esteem starting to come back after a lifetime of feeling terrible about myself with all the other complications.

With perfect timing too, as my senior year of high school was close at hand. I couldn’t wait to show everyone my leg without the brace there.

This was the moment when I was reborn.

To know you now, is to know you then
…even if I didn’t.

I thought I did, but now..
I’m certain that I didn’t.

I felt the love, the way you wanted
until,
I just…didn’t.

It hurts my heart,
what I thought was you and now I see isn’t.

To know you now, is to accept
what I didn’t see
what I wouldn’t hear before…

and wonder if you can finally feel
all that is unspoken…
forevermore.

To know you now, is to long for all that could be…should be
that and so many memories more…

But in the end,
to know you saved me
and also crushed me to my core.

It’s okay to not be okay.

You’ve heard this, you want to believe this, but you still fight it.

Why do we put such high expectations on ourselves that don’t make space for being real human-beings with real human-being sh*t-storms?

I think many of us are also guilty of telling ourselves that it is perfectly understandable if you just lost a loved one to not be okay. It’s okay if you just got fired or found out about a serious health condition, it’s okay to not be okay.

But, what about the other stuff? What about when life gives you one tiny lemon at a time and before you know it you have a sack full of lemon heads and no sugar in sight?

These are the smaller cracks of life.
You know, the days like this:

It starts with you waking up late after a night of restless tossing and turning that might equal 2 hours total..
—then you get in the shower to realize you are out of conditioner and your razor needs a new blade before you slice yourself open–sooo it’s gunna be a pants kind of day with no sleeveless tops 👀..
—then you go to get dressed and what you picked to wear is too tight (F***! 🙄🫠🫨)..
—then you are already late and you can’t find your phone, you spill coffee on yourself while getting into the car..
—then you get caught behind Aunt Ethel going 30 miles an hour on Spillway—and when you finally make it to the office and sit down…
you get a mother-trucking papercut on the very first piece of paper you touch.

It’s okay to not be okay these days too.

Sometimes the things we have going on are not visible to those around us and maybe we feel they wouldn’t understand anyway. That doesn’t change the fact that, you—on any particular day, may not be okay and that is nothing to feel bad about.

You don’t need to compare your problems to those you perceive to have bigger problems. You get to have bad days too –even if the bad day lasts for weeks. Know that there are other people out there who are struggling with confidence, anxiety, depressive thoughts and more and it doesn’t have to be a direct result of some tragic event or significant turning point in your life.

Know that you are loved and no one’s real life is as perfect as it may seem on social media. Make peace with the bad days, the I’m-not-okay days and cut yourself some slack. Hopefully things will get better, but in the meantime it’s okay to not be okay. Just do your best, in your own time, to be the best “okay” you can be.

life how quickly and swiftly things can change within a snap of a finger your life can never, may ever not be the same that day getting questioned into thinking their personal thinking wasn’t even their thinking into thinking what was ever a thought

of being on earth but listen there’s two things in this world being sane or insane but crazy is what most people would say or label you just because of one bad episode you had within your own television show
you watched that personal day

the show wasn’t really that good but in the ending why did it have to end badly?

Like some people would question and say but that’s just like people who can’t help but control majority of their emotions and feelings when they don’t know what’s GOING ON , ON, TURN ON!!!!

that television for what’s about to happen that day but then comes drama in every show
now all of a sudden all things change

the character, the time, the places, the plot even the EPISODE NAME but CRAZY is what you, you, him, her, she, them, they, whatever what people like you would even say because you don’t recognize change

you don’t know how it feels to be sane then insane then crazy for that specific day but SPECIAL BEING, Great individual, Intelligent person, caring, motivational, humanitarian, but you just call them everything else but their name

when you don’t recognize or could even acknowledge mental health as being crazy or insane like almost every ignorant person would think to say or rub off on special being in every single way

but the episode ended before you could even watch something else again but you didn’t see or acknowledge it before the transform of change

now you realize things weren’t ever really the same or there’s time for a greater change especially starting with the title of the episode name

A year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital because my bout with COVID had taken a turn for the worse. It started mild in mid-February but by March 3rd I could not shake my high fever of 105 degrees. As I was being wheeled to the triage nurse’s area. I prayed silently that I would walk out of the hospital alive. No, I was not being melodramatic. My fear is derived from being a sufferer of an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. I knew the reality of compounding COVID with a compromised immune system can be a deadly combination.
As you can see, my prayer was answered but not without a challenging path. I spent three months in hospital on the road to recovery.
During the past year, I:
Celebrated my birthday unconscious on a ventilator
Spent a month and a half in the ICU fighting for my life
Had a tracheotomy to keep my lungs saturated with oxygen
Had to learn to swallow drink, and eat
Had to learn how to stand and walk after being in a hospital bed for so long.
Cried many days because I could not do the most basic things by myself like brushing my teeth.
Missed out on the first 3 months of my youngest’s Sophomore year because I was bedridden.
Cried during events like my child’s Choir concert, my daughter’s Sweet Sixteen party, and even pulmonary rehabilitation sessions because I couldn’t believe I’d made it out of the house
Have learned every single respiratory apparatus known to man. I have been living on oxygen since last March. So far, I have reconciled in my brain that it will probably be for life.
But have had some people (most people, because I have the best people in my life) show me incredible support and compassion—and share their stories with me
Long Covid and Rheumatoid Arthritis are not a great marriage but at least I am alive. Trying to figure out my new normal.
Learned about the realities of job hunting while on oxygen. I am so used to being able to hide my disability but now that I have a visible challenge it is much more difficult.
Even though my journey with Long Covid has been a rough one, I have my sense of humor through it all. I took pleasure in naming twin oxygen tanks after characters in one of my favorite cartoons. I have built my arm muscles because the two tanks along with the carrier are twenty pounds. In addition, I find joy in matching picking out fabric for custom tank covers. Of course, I see them as an accessory, and they have to coordinate with my outfit. My life has changed considerably over the past year. I am grateful to be able to do the mundane routines that I used to take for granted. I do not let my circumstances bring me down. As my grandmother would say, “I’m still here”.

I have smelled early morning dew.
I have felt rain on a cold and sunny day.
I have seen a babe be born.
I have been held by a mother whose presence was all that was needed.
I have watched nature and its peak of beauty.
I have also watched nature at its cruelest.
I have seen Many amazing sunrises.
I have seen just as beautifully, the sun set.
I have touched the face of those with frowns.
I have worn magnificent gowns.
I have felt the muscles of a horse beneath me.
I have tasted the berries and fruit so sweetly.
I have laughed with loved ones.
I have cried with loved ones.
I have married my worst enemy.
I have also married my best friend.
I have had sorrow.
I’ve had joy that never ends.
I have a sang million songs.
I have traveled near and far away.
I have had my heart broken.
I have broken a heart.
I have met thousands of people.
I have lost a few.
I have lost many times in life, just as much as I have won.
I have accepted Christ as my Savoir and learned about the Son.
So it’s not the things that I have done that I regret, but those I have yet to do!

It is a motto that I’ve come to greatly cherish across the span of time I’ve been on this earth. It keeps me grounded, especially when I find myself feeling overwhelmed by the troubles that decide to surface in each passing day. One day at a time. A simple phrase, but a powerful reminder that I don’t need to reach for the worries of the morrow. That’s right. I only need to focus on what’s right in front of me in this increment of time. It also tells me that even if the ‘day’ itself seems too long, I can break it down even further. Yes; to the hours, minutes, and seconds. Sometimes, it’s the very thoughts of these that help one to hang on by a thread. Like a friend that holds your hand, gives it a squeeze, and reminds you to breathe.

Dear You,
From the day you were born, you had trouble.
Your parents always told you, “if you were the first you would have been the last.”
Your siblings always called you “fat lips” or “venus fly trap.”
Your friends always criticized you for asking “stupid” questions.
The hard truth is, you just didn’t know.
You thought you were going to be the highschool dropout, the failure of the family, the
kid that people always called “not the brightest crayon in the box” because you couldn’t read, or
write, or count, or do anything in particular.
Your looks were average, your learning capabilities were below average, so what could
you do to make it to the top of the food chain?
Absolutely nothing.
Cry yourself to sleep, harm yourself until your Mom screams at you and your Granny
tells you how disappointed she is. But it’s okay, you only wanted the attention anyway.
To feel loved, really.
You went from school, to school, to school.
Teachers could not teach,
Kids laughed at you for getting the answer wrong,
And you hated yourself.
Your favorite color was blue, you loved to read, and lacrosse was your escape from
reality.

You finally found your way up the food chain, you were athletic, you were called a
daredevil for the crazy things you did, but sometimes, you felt scared.
Mom and Dad wanted you to play lacrosse in college, but you were barely getting
through elementary school, middle school, high school. Everything was so pointless and you just
wanted to lay in bed until your Dad yelled at you to do something, anything, anywhere.
You found joy when you got two kittens. You named them Sassy and Buddy. They helped
you through the pandemic.
You got to snuggle them and they would never tell you anything that you didn’t want to
hear.
They only ever loved you.
You were diagnosed with mental disorders and learning disabilities.
Buddy had emergency surgery. He didn’t make it. Neither did your old dog, Lexi. Your
world shattered.
You vowed to cherish your animals for as long as possible. You vowed to take photos of
them whenever you could. You never know when they will leave this world.
You tried to be happy for the people around you. For your friends, your siblings, your
parents and teachers and anyone else who cared. It was always so, so hard.
You rediscovered your love for writing. Your teacher at your new school cared about you
and looked out for you. You made new friends. You committed to a college to play lacrosse. You
felt like you were healing.
You got into that college. You went to a suicide victim’s funeral, and then another. You
became angry at them, for leaving such a beautiful world. But then you remembered how ugly it
had been to you.

You moved away to college. You went to your Grand Dad’s funeral. You had a hard time
fitting in. You had to put down one of your horses at home on the farm. Your confidence was
faltering. But your academics were the only thing that mattered.
A’s and B’s. No more, no less. If you fail, your whole life would be for nothing. Your
dreams would be lost. Fail and you lose.
You enter your second year of college, and you confessed to your teammate that you
weren’t happy. You confessed to yourself at that moment, and you cried. She tells you that she
loves you, and she’ll help you get through this. Your other teammates are nicer to you, they talk
to you and involve you in things. It makes you happy to feel loved.
Even when it may not be real.
In your heart it’s real. It will help you feel better about yourself.
You vowed to love everyone so they never feel how you did for your entire life.
You vowed to heal.
Your journey isn’t over, and you have a long way to go. But through the ups and downs
you finally feel like you’re ready to find peace with yourself.
Dear You,
Thank you for loving you when no one else would.
You’ve been through so much.

Best,

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained
Inside the heart, the want is framed
Inside the mind to reason clear
To build the will to lose all fear

Nothing good with ease you gain
Risk arrives enrobed in pain
And all the hoops through which we dive
Are returns we seek to recognize

Undaunted in the quest we find
The soul’s desire to impel the mind
Toward the goal ahead so near yet far
To win each battle and embrace the scars

The war is real with weapons few
So we cross the lines to make the coup
For nothing ventured nothing gained
And the win we find is worth all the pain

Dear Mom… I’m sorry about my last letter.
Guess that was a big event for you too, huh?

Our last words will be our last.
I can’t tell you all I want to say, I want to, but I can’t.
Least not to your face, like always.

I miss you, I love you. I’m sorry.
A thousand times sorry, I had to go, I had to.

2021 was his 10th anniversary, and for each of those years, I did my best.
I was still a child, Mom. Where did you go…? Why were the walls of your room better than being with me? I wasn’t your natural born, and I sure know that now… She made sure of that.

I’m sorry about my last letter, Mom. It took months to find the courage. To say goodbye to the only person I ever knew. The meaning I gave my life – taking care of you. You wouldn’t know Mom, I cried myself to sleep for months after it. Wondering if I did the right thing, even though I had everyone’s full support, I tried. I tried. I gave my everything. I tried until I couldn’t.

It ended with us. And I’m the only one left out, like always.
I wanted the best for you, but I wanted the best for me too.
Neither of us was that.

I tried until my detriment, I tried. You were my world.
It has been some time, but life is better now,
and like before, it will get better again.

I miss you Mom, I hope you’re doing well.
I think about you almost every day.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, I know why…
Every day I wish I could come back, to when it was good.
Somewhere you started hating me…
Maybe I had too much of my biological father in me, I don’t know.
You did often compare us two, while I was growing up.
What did you see in me, that made you hate me…

Maybe I’ll write again, there’s still so much left to say. My letters will be to you like they are to Dad. Addressed to the void and the stars. Words left unsaid.

Even in those unsaid words, I can say things are better, I can say I still love you, I can say I miss you. Goodbye Mom, until we meet in the void again.