I thought it was love. It was abuse…

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To: Gab's Ex Boyfriend (written with Lauren Brill and Audra Frimpong)

From: Gab Kreuz

Charity: Love Doesn't Shove

Sponsor: The Unsealed

To my abuser,

I am now seven years removed from the last time you put your hands on me.  Seven years ago my words to you would have been a lot different than they are now because I was really broken. I trusted you. I really cared about you. I didn’t realize at the time how much the way you treated me negatively impacted me and my self-image.

So if I was younger I think I would say to you, “I hope karma bites you and blah blah blah.”

But now my words are different because I have grown and matured and been educated. Though, I will admit it’s been quite the journey.

In the beginning, it was young love for us, a high school relationship that went over into college.  You were very charming, good-looking and athletic. I was athletic, too. So we had that in common.

Early on the good part of our relationship was just being there for each other, hanging out, being best friends, and growing up together. However, it wasn’t long before our romance started to turn toxic.

Gab Kreuz is a host for Fox Sports Ohio and an in-park host for the Cleveland Indians

After just three months there was a lot of jealousy displayed. At prom you got really upset that I walked across the dance floor to get a drink of water and on my way over I was chatting with people, being really outgoing and charismatic. You accused me of wanting to go to the dance with somebody else’s date. You were so angry and it became such a big deal.

When I got to college the abuse became physical. We would have arguments. In the beginning it was just getting in my face, yelling at me, swearing and calling me names. Then it evolved into ripping the jewelry off of me, pulling my hair and shoving me to the ground. One time at a party a guy said that my mole above my lip was sexy. Immediately, you took me in the next room and yelled at me. It escalated quickly, as you shoved me to the ground.

Our relationship was exhausting. I was anemic. We were constantly arguing into the late hours of the night. If I turned off my phone, you would call my roommate. If I asked my roommate to turn off her phone, you would drive to school and throw rocks at the window until we answered. It was impacting me in so many ways. My hair was falling out. I was really skinny and I was just tired all the time. In track, I didn’t win any races. Running wasn’t that fun. I wasn’t good and I wasn’t fast.

Our rock bottom moment was when we were arguing at my school all night and you got so mad that you were on and off choking me. You pinned me down and you were shaking me and choking me.

As messed up as it sounds, that was just when someone else called the police. After that I had to leave you because that is when my family and friends found out the extent of the abuse. 

I didn’t press charges because I didn’t know how everything worked and I didn’t want all that attention.  Also, I knew that I would just die if I couldn’t prove something and you denied it.  

I was scared I would just look like a big dummy and people would say, “Oh, she must have made it up.” 

That would have killed me at the time. 

After we broke up after nearly three years of dating, there was a lot of unwiring that happened in my brain. You really convinced me that I was the problem. You had me convinced I was the one making you behave this way.

All the time you told me if I was a good girlfriend I would call you back on time. If I was a good girlfriend I wouldn’t talk to the people on my team you told me not to talk to because you thought they had a crush on me. Or if I was a respectful girlfriend I would not be so social, trying to get everyone’s attention all the time. You really hated that I was outgoing.

As time went on after we broke up, I started to focus on me more. I got to sleep and I wasn’t so emotionally drained all the time. I didn’t have to play the game of having to cover up all of your actions. I was living honestly. But the real turning point for me came when I started going to a support group at the Domestic Violence and Child’s Advocacy Center. They made me feel empowered. That was the first place that I heard that it wasn’t my fault. The way that you behaved was your fault.  You have to take accountability for your actions. And just because I am outgoing or I stayed at lunch for an hour longer than I said I would and didn’t call back until later, I am not a bad person or a disrespectful girlfriend.  

Gab Kreuz was an All-American runner. She ran at John Carroll University and Syracuse

I came to accept that even if I was the most perfect person in the world, you were always going to find a way to blame your behavior on me.

Ironically, the further I got from our relationship the faster I ran.  My senior year I broke nine records in indoor and outdoor track in different events, ranging from the 4×4 to the 10k. I became an All-American in cross country. I went to nationals. I was literally so much lighter emotionally and physically and I started to enjoy my life. That was really great.

In fact, I was so thrilled about my success running and how I felt about myself personally that I created Love Doesn’t Shove. Initially, it was more of a fundraiser/awareness campaign. We sold wristbands and donated the proceeds to the Domestic Violence and Child’s Advocacy Center. Then it evolved. I made it its own entity, my own non-profit organization. I developed a presentation that I give in high schools and even middle schools.

To this day you have never apologized to me. I have come to terms with it. But do you know what really upset me? Do you know really what motivated me to start Love Doesn’t Shove?  I didn’t read the police report until my senior year. I was devastated when I read that you said you didn’t put your hands on me. That was a real blow to the gut. I couldn’t believe you did not take any accountability. I couldn’t believe people could get away with abuse so easily. I feel like my quote-unquote apology or justice could and did come from educating other people about dating violence.

I couldn’t believe people could get away with abuse so easily.
Gab started Love Doesn’t Shove to help educate others on dating violence

I tell students to believe people’s actions, not their words. When someone tells you everything you want to hear, like, “You are so beautiful and you are the only one for me,” it is so romanticized.  You can fall right into that trap, especially as a young teenager. It is important to let people’s behavior tell them who they are as a person. In our case, you would say sorry. You would say it would never happen again. The reality is I was being mistreated and it was a pattern of behavior. I needed to trust that the cycle was going to continue and only get worse.

Now that I am a little bit older, I have more empathy for how your upbringing shaped who you are. I feel sorry you had to develop in an environment where you didn’t experience a healthy dynamic. As unfortunate as it is a lot of abusive behavior is learned and it’s not exclusive to either gender. It’s unlikely you were born this way.

Today, seven years since we have been together,  I don’t wish any harm against you. Instead I encourage you to recognize the past, take ownership of your actions and mature and grow in a positive way without any excuses.  I completely forgive you for what you did to me. I have been educated. I have been loved. I am OK now. I have moved on and I will never be with you again. But what I really want to say to you is that I truly want you to know unconditional love, because even though you can’t harm me ever again, I don’t want you to hurt anyone else.

With a better future in mind,

Gab

Written with Lauren Brill

About the author:

I am an in-park host for the Cleveland Indians. Also, I am a host/sportscaster for Fox Sports Ohio. Previously, I was division 1 runner at John Carrol University in Ohio, where I broke six school records and became an All-American. I also ran for Syracuse.

About the sponsor and the charity:

The Unsealed,  a media company shares open personal letters, will donate $25 dollars to Love Doesn’t Shove  in honor of the first 25 shares of my letter. Love Doesn’t Shove aims to educate young people on teen dating violence. So please share my story, donate to a great cause and let’s make a difference!

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Thank you Lauren. Yes, we all have to start with the person in the mirror. Your reflections are received with mindfulness and appreciation. I've shared your article on my network. Stay safe and well. IyaSokoya Karade CEO/Owner Athletic Arts Academy NJ LLC Orange, New Jersey

May I encourage everyone of every color or shade, every ethnicity, and every faith (or no faith) to read the book Benjamin Watson wrote after he made such powerful and welcomed comments following the Ferguson, Missouri, killing and riots? Under Our Skin. Read the reviews, search and find the Under Our Skin Forum, it was in 2016, the video can be purchased and it is well worth the time and few dollars to watch. But read the book then give the book to a friend of another color or the same color as you! https://smile.amazon.com/Under-Our-Skin-Getting-Frustrations/dp/149641330X/ref=sr_1_1? When shopping on Smile.Amazon.Com you pay the same but Amazon contributes to your charity of choice (and ParentsUSA hopes you select it, the National Association of Parents, Inc.) David DeLugas, Executive Director, ParentsUSA

Nothing like maintaining a positive outlook! When i need to fight off despair i set goals. It is a great way to fight off negative thoughts and feeling!

Very interesting! Opinion at a later date!

Crazy that this still goes on. I fear for my safety almost all the time. Black or brown males are subject to arrest and violent behavior. I just read a article where a former New York cops claims they had to arrest more people of color to get a promotion. This is sick and I'm tired of living in fear. People are going to start fighting back.

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I think me and your grandpa would have been friends. I been a type 1 diabetic since three years old. I would have said the same thing waking up and seeing two nurses. Do I get to choose. I'm pretty sure I've done that before.

I have learned over my Fifty-Eight years of life, and more specifically over the last 10 that FDR's words about fearing only fear itself ring true; to me, they do, anyway. And, at the same time, how the words of the 23rd Psalm comfort me and my abundant faith in G-d allows me to fear only fear, knowing full well that He is always with me. Growing up in a Non-Orthodox, yet Observant Jewish family nicely brings both together and not only makes me feel more protected but commands me to believe so. You see, I have lived a different kind of life, as we all have to some degree, but mine changes daily. Not that I am ANY BETTER than anyone else, in fact, probably less so... I stray from my stories often. I shouldn't, but since my Stroke in 2012, I have somehow developed some sort of ADD, so please bear with me, the end will justify the means and I will *try* to stick with my story; for you, my readers. I moved my family of the ex-wife and four children Cross-Country in 2002 to be closer to my dad who was turning 75 that year, and while I could not afford both financially as well as mentally to move back to Southern California (where he and my mother lived), I chose the Midbar (Hebrew for Desert) of Arizona. Within just a few short weeks of moving here, I woke up one day with some of the most severe abdominal pain I had ever experienced. I found a local doctor and made an appointment to see him that day. I arrived at the appointment and was ushered into an examination room by their PA (Physician's Assistant), who is supposed to be the same as a Doctor, but not really (?). I was examined and Prescriptions for a Pain Medication and an Antibiotic. They continued to treat me in a like manner for almost six months when I ended up in an Emergency Room, where a CT Scan was performed and Colonoscopy was scheduled. I was then diagnosed with a grapefruit-sized obstruction and abscess in my colon that would require surgical intervention. Surgery was scheduled for two days later, on a Friday in Mid-March 2003. I arrived at the hospital at the designated time, 5:45 am; was admitted to the hospital; told them about ALL my allergies (including a BIG ONE, an allergy to a particular anesthetic agent), and taken to a room where I was put into one of those awful gowns and told that they'd be "right back" to take me to surgery. They promptly came back at 10:30 in the morning and took me to yet another room... to wait some more. At 11:45 the Anesthesiologist came in to talk with me. He informed me that he was going to use Propofol for my induction and that he was planning on using the EXACT ANESTHESIA TO WHICH I AM ALLERGIC to maintain me through surgery! "NOT ON ME, YOU'RE NOT", I exclaimed! "I'M ALLERGIC!!!" On my wrist sat a red band that clearly said ALLERGIES: CEVOFLURAINE. I then proceeded to give him a list of anesthetic agents that I knew to be safe. He tapped me on the knee and said: Okay, Smart guy, put yourself to sleep and quickly left the room. I awoke from the anesthesia on the following Wednesday evening. In addition to the NINE small incisions from various attempts to perform the procedure of removing 18" of my diseased colon through a scope, I also had one 6" cut in my belly that began around my navel and continued to just above my groin. I also began experiencing severe shortness of breath. The staples were ripped out of my skin by the Butcher Surgeon two weeks later, but my breathing difficulties continued. After being examined by one doctor after another, I finally decided to be examined by The Mayo Clinic. Over a ten-day to 2 week period, I was examined by multiple physicians, underwent numerous tests and procedures and was finally ready for my Report Appointment. I would learn the results of all of the tests and procedures and hopefully have a clear diagnosis and prognosis. The verdict had come in. Diagnosis: Terminal COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease Causation: Bacterial Pneumonia due to Malignant Hyperthermia caused by induction of Detrimental Anesthesia Prognosis: 5% chance of Five-Year Survival I then took my report to a highly regarded Pulmonologist for Follow-Up Care, but not before enrolling in Rabbinical School in New York City. I had, (since age ten) always wanted to be a Rabbi. It was now or never. On the advice of the Pulmonologist, I began taking Prednisone (a Steroid) that would open up my Bronchioles and make it easier to breathe. The normal dosage for a man who is 5'9" and weighs 150 pounds (before I got sick, I weighed 174 pounds, all muscle, by the way) is <100mg per day. My STARTING dose was 100mg THREE TIMES a DAY. the dosage was increased every few months for the following THREE YEARS, when, on Sunday, September 9, 2007, at the weight of 340 Pounds (the Steroids had been increased to 250mg Four Times a day), I collapsed and at Mayo Hospital, was intubated where my organs began failing. Two nights later, on the First Night of Rosh haShana, the Jewish New Year, and while being mechanically ventilated, I went into Full Blown Total System Failure, and suffered a Cardiac Arrest for 14 minutes, followed by a Coma of several weeks duration. During my Coma, I felt as if I was in a box. The box had four dirt walls and smelled like the Morning Dew. In the upper right corner of the box sat a red square with a white X inside of it. "If only I could click on that X, I might stop this program", I thought to myself, but I could not move; I could not stand; could not reach, and could not scream for help. I lay in this place crying out in fear for what seemed like days and weeks and months. Suddenly, my cries were replaced by Psalms. I was reciting Psalms, some of which I had never even read before! And the Psalms turned into Prayers; The Kol Nidre, chanted at the beginning of our Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur; every other prayer recited on this Holy of all Holy Days; the Prayers for the Sukkot Holidays that follow the next week and the Readings for every single Torah Portion of the year. I somehow knew them all. By heart. Without hesitation of memory and obviously without any text to look at. I kept reading and chanting day and night; night and day and resting in between. Really resting. Sleeping... until one day, I opened up my eyes to see my beautiful son Zac sitting at my side on my bed. Covering the holes in my throat and on the side of my neck, I managed to spit out "C'était le rêve de dix minutes le plus étrange que j'aie jamais eu"! I told my son that was the weirdest ten-minute dream that I have ever had in FRENCH, my first language and native tongue. He then told me that it had been over two months, and I was in a Hospice Facility. The night before, I had begun to breathe on my own a minute or so after being disconnected from the machines that had sustained my organs since September. A few days later I was wheeled to an ambulance outside to be transported to the truly amazing HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital in Scottsdale. The sun kissed my face as I felt like I was pulled up into a body of love. It spoke. In Hebrew: Don't worry, it said. "You and I are going to be okay". I spent the next six weeks learning to do things like eating and holding a pencil; how to shower and dress. I learned how to return to life. Six weeks after leaving HealthSouth, my dad died. In July 2018, my mom joined him. I have had many trials and tribulations over these last twelve years. A Stroke in 2012 took my ability to project my voice loudly; I've been hospitalized many times and know how very precious time is. I do not live for today, rather, I live for tomorrow. I do everything I can do today to help others, and pray that I am again awakened tomorrow to do more good. And if so, great! And if not; if G-d decides to take me tonight, I will hang out with my parents and loved ones forever. I win either way. President Roosevelt was right to believe in only fearing fear. Psalm 23 is even more so, as Faith follows all of us.

Funny my mom passed in 1991 as a 13 year old it was hard but she was much more then beauty. She was a fighter from the beginning and I will never be able to explain her impact. It shows you came from a strong famiy and I'm glad you had both a mom and dad because a lot of people don't. I pray your truth can make a difference

This is trying to scare us with more misinformation then actual information but thank you for giving us your reality. I like it a lot.and people just wash your hand like you should be doing anyway 😂

Great discussion, as well as some interesting numbers which I'm not sure are meant to calm us, or install even more fear. I have many of your same concerns. Just yesterday I scheduled a work trip to Miami for late next week, but am unsure if it will happen or not. And while i say or act like i'm not concerned, sub-consciously, i am quite sure it is weighing on my mind each time i cough, or sneeze, or feel "a little warm", or if someone around me does. One of the biggest fears i have is that with all of the media coverage and the additional testing becoming available, the numbers are sure to skyrocket, and this is going to really set some people off. Our country is going to go absolutely bonkers . We are all guilty of taking limited amounts of information and either talking about it like an expert, or completely overreacting. Here's hoping that the number stat to level out, and then drop. Lets hope that the American people can follow simple suggestions. Lets hope that countries from around the world can work together to come up with a viable plan to slow this train down. And last but not least, lets hope our politicians can come together to provide our country guidance as we all try to get through this. Lets hope they can forget about the presidential race for just a minute to remember what their job really is; to serve the American people. And now is their time to really step up and lead by example.

Lauren, like you I have to balance my fear and confusion. I work directly with the public and I have an immune system that is partially suppressed as a by product of treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis. I fear for my Father the most as his body is much weaker than even mine. I visited the Cleveland Museum of Art on Sunday just to learn three people were positively diagnosed on Monday in Cuyahoga county. You aren't alone in that fear. I think that we must turn to hope to keep us in this trying time. We have to...

Terry, As a man who has lived and breathed baseball, your letter was an absolute joy for me to read. What young boy wouldn't want to be in the clubhouse with his Dad? During your time as manager I've been to quite a few games in Cleveland. None though were as special as July 12th 2014. That was the day I celebrated my 30th birthday. Though the day centered around my birthday it saw me doing something for someone else. It was the day I took my Father to the very first professional sports game in his 59 years of life at the time. It was so touching the certificate that he got from the wonderful folks at Guest Services. And although the home team lost to the White Sox that day, it will always remain one of the best days in my heart. Letters like yours only serve to renew my love for the game of baseball. Thanks for sharing it with the little boy still inside of me wanting to throw that 0-2 curveball to the best hitter in the league.

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Sweet Lauren, I agree completely with the promise that Brian asked you to make. Frankly, it is the only way that I know to love; totally, completely, wholly and unconditionally. You deserve nothing less, nor does your future love.

Wow. What a truly moving and powerful story. We often take for granted the small gifts we give each other just by being present. I'm sad for the heartache. I'm glad you stayed and became. Who knows what little girl or boy will be attributing their life's purpose to some kindness you shared. Peace and Sunshine

You’re welcome Lauren looking forward to all the future stories :)

Thank you Tony. I appreciate all your support.

Thank you Tony. I appreciate all your support.

I’m sorry to hear about Brian but he was right you are too beautiful to not receive roses Lauren:)

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Thanks for this! So what movie set did you get on?

So nice Roger <3

Pat, Your letter touched me in a very profound way. It left me in tears in the middle of my work day. It made me want to share something with you. On a July morning in 2007 a police officer answered a 911 call I had made when my Mother went into cardiac arrest. Between that officer, my best friend and the fire fighters who showed up minutes later they were able to restart her heart, however at the hospital she passed away an hour later. At the end of his shift that officer stopped by my home to check on the situation and cried when I told him the unfortunate news I received only 4 hours prior. He tried to apologize to me. I looked at the anguish in his eyes and asked him directly what for? He described the ways he felt sorry. What I want to leave you with was my reply to him. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for because he answered the call in what was the darkest moment in my life. I told him that he was a hero regardless because it takes a special person to answer calls like that. You are a hero to people Pat. No one can ever take that away from you. I understand the process you're going through as I've been there myself and like you I still struggle with it when no one is looking. You aren't alone in this. I hope your healing process continues on and you can regain the happiness in this beautiful life. You'll always be a hero to those people, because you were there when the call came Best wishes Roger Chamberlain

Ruth, your letter moved me to tears. Once upon a time I was very closed off about the LGBT community but over a course of several years, I turned my fear into understanding and I actively stand with the community for their equal rights because it is the right thing to do.