Many believe right now, in part because of COVID-19, our society is experiencing insanity. I know insanity as something else. I know it as the events that would happen because you were in my body.
More than six years ago, I lost my scholarship to Florida International University. I quit sports. I decimated romantic relationships. For years, starting in high school, you controlled my life and put me in some terrible situations.
One night, while hanging out with you, I got kicked out of a bar and then a strip club. Then, I went home. I fell on a glass table and cut open my finger but I didn’t care because I was with you. The next day, when I was supposed to be at my aunt’s wedding, I went to the hospital, where they gave me more of you – painkillers. I took the painkillers, continued to drink and then I missed the entire wedding.
From getting a DUI to not being able to remember what I did the night before, I often wasn’t present. I wasn’t myself the years that I spent with you. One ex-girlfriend explained my personality on versus off of you, drugs, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I hurt a lot of people, including myself.
When my brother’s first daughter, my Goddaughter, was born, I decided I never wanted her to see that side of me. I never wanted her to see me with you.
I got help and went into recovery. Throughout the last six years, I got my bachelor’s degree. I got married, had a daughter of my own and now I am pursuing a master’s degree in social work.
My life is filled with morals, values and genuine friends.
But my recovery group is a big part of my life and my success.
Since the pandemic arrived, they shut down in-person meetings. I like seeing people face-to-face. I like being able to hug them because in the world of addiction, every time we see someone, it very well could be for the last time.
I don’t care much for the Zoom meetings, as I can’t see people’s reactions. You can’t hear people’s emotions, whether it be laughing or crying.
For months we, as a society, have been more isolated than ever, cutting off many social interactions.
Right now, life and recovery are harder. You know it. I know it. And most other people who have had addictions to drugs know it, too.
But I am not going back to you. I am not returning to the insanity that was a part of my life six years ago before I got clean.
Whenever I’m feeling like life is unmanageable, I remember what life was like when you were in control.
That reminds me to be grateful for what I have, including my daughter, my stepson, my wife, my bed and my car.
So instead of focusing on the struggle, which could lead me back to you, I remind myself of my blessings. That’s how, regardless of the challenge, I can avoid the insanity you brought and, instead, enjoy the serenity I have since found.
I am proud of myself,