The Way to Grow

By Breanna Asada

About a year ago, on March 12th, I was at my best friend’s 21st birthday party. And my biggest worry was a job I interviewed for. “It’s been a few weeks and still no call,” I told one of my friends.

By the next month over; my best friend and I were going to have a night out. She ended up bailing on me for work. I was mad at the time; I didn’t text her back. I wonder now if I had back then, maybe I would have known what could have happened to her. The week or so after that; I ended the friendship with the girl I was at odds with. I’ve never done that before, but then again I’ve never felt freer. A month and a half later, I got the job.

Three weeks later in July is when I realized that I hadn’t heard from my best friend and couldn’t get a hold of her. None of my friends could either; not even when I asked the girl I was at odds with. I started posting video’s trying to see if anyone could find my best friend.

August second was the day I got my license and my Grandpa caught a bad cough. I was scared that he had finally got Covid. One week later I had gotten my license and he was diagnosed with cancer. And on August 15th was when my friend and I realized that my best friend had ghosted us.

September. Grandpa had started treatment. It took a toll on his body. He used to love cooking, but once Kemo started; that’s when we started to get takeout. October 14th is when my Dad and I got into a screaming match. I can’t tell you why; I don’t remember. What I do remember is the long drive I took afterwards. It still sounds so Grown-up of me. Riding to the next city over then down the strip.

October 18th, I was going to visit my Grandpa; at this point, he had been asleep for a few days straight now. This was my last chance to see him. I was in my car driving out of my neighborhood with a small vase I had made for him… I couldn’t do it.

I turned my car around and stayed home. I asked my Dad; who was already heading there, to take the vase with him… He forgot.

That night, around two a.m. I awoke to a shiver that covered my body and a loud ringing in my ear. That’s when I knew he was dead. That morning on October 19th, I stayed in bed as long as I could knowing that as soon as I stepped foot out my door, I would see my Dad’s face covered in tears, and he would tell me to sit and talk for a bit. I couldn’t wait any longer; I had to pee. So, I open my door and…

No one was home. I knew then too but my mind wanted to deny it. Even when both of my parents came home.

I had one last therapy session before my insurance was up. I felt guilty as to what I told my therapist; I told her of how I felt so relieved now that he was gone. How the stress and worry disappeared. She told me that people reacted to death differently and that it is normal to feel how I felt.

November. Sometimes, when I was alone; I would feel the need to hold something tightly to my chest. Even when I did; it didn’t help. I think that was the last time I left a voicemail for my ex best friend; at some point, in that month; I was angry and let her voicemail have it.

January. I was told that my Grandpa’s dying wish was for us to take my Brother to Disney World. I wasn’t really excited about this trip. But I kept wondering why he wanted us there; it had to be more than just Disney World. I am not a fan of a change in scenery. I soon realized that I was scared of the change.

That trip made me realized that growing wasn’t the cause of my Grandpa death. It wasn’t me getting a job or my license that started this chain reaction of events. My Grandpa would have still died this year even if my friend group didn’t end. That’s when I realized that I always stopped myself from growing; thinking I could outrun time but in reality; this is the way to grow. Rather time or myself; the clock is always ticking.

Before I realized it, a year had passed.

A year since the party.

March 12th.

Happy Birthday.