2 months before walking down the aisle

2 years after saying “yes I will marry you”

12 years after saying “yes, I’ll be your girlfriend”

I said “We can’t get married”

I loved you more than I loved myself
I thought that you loved me that way too
I grieved hard the next year believing you didn’t love me
I realized you loved me the way you knew how.
You loved how I treated you, how I made you feel, how I helped you grow.
I thought that was love.

2 weeks spent packing up the apartment we lived in together

2 hours spent moving boxes with my best friend and dad

2 eyes I had never seen before while you watched as I left.

I reflected and admitted that I didn’t know who I was;
tried new things and spent time with new friends,
started up old things and spent time with old friends.
I spent time by myself, with my old self and new, learning who I was.

3 weeks after moving out you crossed a set boundary

3 times I had to practice staying strong and upholding it

3 months you didn’t pay rent on lease you chose to keep and refuse to take my name off

I grieved, I cried.
I felt stupid and ashamed
I felt taken advantage of and small
You didn’t get what you wanted. I didn’t give in.

4 months into 29 years of life

4 months into a new relationship

12 months after saying “we can’t get married”

I love myself more than anything else
I am loved the way I deserve to be loved
I’ve grieved that I have accepted less. I’ve learned that all of me is loveable.
I’ve grieved that I learned that it was okay to accept less.

2 times a month I see a therapist; I’m learning to trust myself

2 months from now I will have lived on my own in a new city for a year.

12 years from now I don’t know where I’ll be but I will forever be grateful for the things I learned along the way.

I said “we can’t get married” and I changed my world.