It took me a minute
a day to fully know what it is you were showing me
why it is you’ve been coming
where there was healing to be done
how to let it all go

So strange to see you, after all these years, I never expected you
bent over in that way, mooning me with your
huge, white, naked ass
head down, booty up
neck cranked, eyes fixed at me, wide salacious smile, teeth glowing
skin remarkably softer and younger
than possible

And those cheeks you spread, so cheekily
taunting me to look into the portal

I never understood why you hated me, viscerally and unendingly, it was shocking
you were the first
and as far as I know
the only one

So strange
because I’ve prided myself on not being hated
on being liked and loved by all
on conforming and contorting and accommodating
to ensure
that I was who I needed to be

As you well know
As I did for you too

Your hair and makeup, that day
your fury raged at the other infiltrator of your family unit
but I was accustomed to the seething darkness of your victimhood
that left spittle in the corners of your mouth, flushed skin, and beads of sweat
it didn’t frighten me

So I re-curled your hair
and re-did your makeup
so you could show up, with that callous, forced grin, haunting her polaroid memories
the day I won you over, but only for a moment

It never hurt that you hated me, though confusing as it was

I witnessed you suffering in feeding it, enforcing it, compelling it’s existence
you lost more than I, and it was never just me anyway

So when you began hanging around, making yourself known again,
mooning me in my sleep
I gave it to god in Kundalini, ego eradicator evoking quick resolution

Y-O-U
S-H-O-W-E-D
M-E
Y-O-U-R
A-S-S-H-O-L-E

I manically laughed
You’re An Asshole

Nothing more to know, to reflect on, to figure out about your hate towards me
what a relief to finally see you so clearly, showing me your truest truth

You’re an asshole

Because there was, as I already know, no reason for you to hate me
as viciously as you did
as ardently as you tried

I was never mad or hurt, and I know that made it worse for you
your hate was a gift you didn’t and couldn’t have given in any other way

For you gave me your son, all of him
in all his glorious codependency
and insecurity
and anxious attachment style
he chose me over you

Which was a blessing and
a curse
I had to choose him over me
but it wasn’t all that bad
as you well know
trustworthy devotion, and dedication, and steadfast companionship
we made a life of the love we had
as you watched from a distance

We made friends and community
and flipped houses into homes
and traveled the world
and dreamed, and schemed, and played
and laughed, and loved, and lived
as you couldn’t
and wouldn’t
and didn’t

And you
you gave me your husband
who regardless of your atrocious spite, adored and supported me, us,
in secret visits, in business contracts, in hushed phone calls
though I could never trust him, because he always stood by you
choosing you over his own children, his sister, his friends, his colleagues,
all that isolation you demanded

And you gave me your daughter, brilliant, beautiful, best friend
and her gorgeous family, those kids who I miss and love dearly

You gave me the family, that I didn’t have growing up
that had nice things, and big dreams

You gave me a safe place to heal
time to grow, and learn, expand my worldview

And I gave them a type of love you couldn’t
and they were hungry for it, they craved it
it was my pleasure to be so needed, so necessary, it was so natural
for I had trained my whole life to be who you weren’t

And I know you know, though you’ve been gone four years now
you don’t have to worry anymore, I won’t be touching your money
for I already received my inheritance
one that you couldn’t have foreseen giving so generously to me

And I know you know, that there’s one more gift
you cunningly presented last night
there is reflection to be had in that full moon of yours, that portal of a mirror

I
A-M
A-N
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
too

When your husband on that final day
hugged me with tears in his eyes and tenderness in his embrace
that made me feel as if he knew, before he knew,
that I knew,
I wasn’t coming home

When I left
I dropped all those fragile, beautiful, hearts you gifted me
brazenly,
euphorically,
erratically,
unceremoniously
shattering them to smithereens
as I freed my queer soul

It hurt that your son didn’t want to stay friends
but how could we
and I still don’t know how or if repair is possible with your daughter
or necessary
or that I even want it at this point

Because when I finally chose me, when I saw in the mirror of my soul, who I really was
I couldn’t not choose me
I had to go
it was the most known thing about me, I hadn’t known

So I give them all back to you, I offer them up on your ofrenda in gratitude
on this Dias de Los Muertos
I surrender them to you, they’re yours now not mine
as they never were mine to begin with
though I’m honored to have held them for some time

And I’m grateful that you came to me
to remind me
that we’re all H-U-M-A-N

In our own ways we intentionally, and unintentionally
hurt each other
hurt ourselves

Turns out my familiarity with your seething darkness, was a resonance with my own

Fragile beings, broken hearts, tender souls
contradictory love that requires fissures for expansion
and endless forgiveness for our messy human-ness
a tacky glue of feeble attempts at repairs
malleable enough to engorge again
demanding honeyed self acceptance that entices another go
until it breaks some more

So you’re right, thanks for helping me lighten the load
to remember that
to speak my truth
and embody my truest self
not everyone is going to like me
it’s time to drop the people pleasing

Thank you
for all your gifts
you have given me
for I know you loved me more than you wanted to admit
and
I
L-O-V-E
Y-O-U

Cause we’re all just a bunch of assholes