Thank you for not giving up when everything was trying to tear you down
You fight unspoken battles every day
I’m so proud of you for not letting it become your new face
You are still finding your place

Thank you for searching for the smallest glimmer of hope to keep yourself around
You have learned to love what is often overlooked
Doing everything you can to find a more positive outlook

Thank you for being the light in others’ lives when you often struggle to be a spark in your own
You thrive when creating their sunshine
You’ll find yours in time

Thank you for focusing on your inner peace when it would be much easier to let your demons roam
How uncomplicated would it be to give in to the chaos
Let your soul turn to stone as your golden heart is squashed
But that wouldn’t be you
You are the gentle sound of an old record being played on a Sunday afternoon
Brightening someone’s day in such a simple way

I’m grateful that you’ve never let your warm heart turn cold
No matter what challenges unfold
In the darkest of skies, you are the moon
Always giving away your light hoping to help anyone who is feeling gloom

It’s in here somewhere, shaking, out of sight—
this gratitude I keep alive for me
that’s terrified by recognition’s light.

See!

It cowers, there. Don’t get too close; it bites,
a mangy mix of actuality
surviving off mere scraps of sacrifice,
resilience, sense, and stale tenacity.

My family gets first dibs on hearty foods.

I feed their inner praise with love-steeped roe,
exotic sprigs of righteousness in bloom,
and loaves of patience-risen sourdough,
ensuring that aplomb is absolute—
oh, look! My gratitude is nearly grown.

I know it wasn’t easy getting through those sleepless nights
When the words he said stuck in your head cut through you like a knife
Stuck in the bottom of the bottle of a nowhere town bar
You said “I can’t carry on” but you stayed strong now look at where we are
You thought his hands had stained you, the wounds were far too deep
Too caught in the flame “i’ll never be the same” your soul was his to keep
You kept your head up high as your world burned to the ground
Through all the pain you broke the chains until freedom was found
But even once the smoke had cleared you still couldn’t quite breathe
The days were hard dealing with scars that no one else could see
When I think back on those days now my heart fills with pride
That you stayed strong and carried on and for it we survived
I’m grateful I walked through the fire though I wanted to run
So thank you, me, for making me the woman I’ve become.

dearest me
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
10-17-24

dearest me

thank you for…
showing me compassion and clarity
the gifts of understanding and patience
aiding me to uncover
the dirty little secrets
assisting me to repair the anguish
(defying language and raising philosophical questions)
showing kindly regard to my little boy blue –
my damaged and bewildered little soul –
helping me to move on by

your generosity of unconditional love –
a bottomless well –
has moved me to hug
the willow branches of sorrow
has empowered me to express
pride in holding my head up high
has given me bravery to stand-up
to be heard
to be counted
to be understood

because of you and
your captivating power
i have pulled the sharp and jagged knife
from my hemorrhaging heart
i have extinguished the blazing fire
ending the seemingly terminal pain of…
humiliating shame and
prosecuted guilt
i have reclaimed my glorious worth
gracefully facing the storms of life

with love,
me

Hey Leroy, YOU’RE AMAZING, the past few years has kicked your teeth in, you received COVID in a single year, your father passed, friends left you and all you can say is THANK YOU JESUS, the year wasn’t easy, but YOU KNEW in your heart your family needed you, Now as you write this your Mom is recovering from Leukemia and you feel defeated, BUT YOUR NOT, you sat through Hurricane Helena in a single wide mobile home and GOD PROVIDED, it’s easy to quit, BUT YOU HAVEN’T, your car blew up, you feel defeated, yet God makes a way, Your clown ministry made the cover of a Magazine.NO MATTER what you go through, your doing AWESOME, keep up the great work YOUR AMAZING

I have the keys to the lock of your house,
I’m having a drink in your kitchen,
I sip comfortably in my alone time,
I hear you enter,
I enter too.

I’m in the dark of your bedroom,
I’m the thing under your bed,
I’m the towel in your bathroom,
I’m the one who drinks your blood.

I’m the one who follows you,
I’m the reason it feels cold in your home,
I’m the reason you feel like you’re being watched,
I’m the reason you feel insecure,

I’m begging you to notice me.

I understood you to be my security. I understood that you wanted me. I understood that life without me was void of all possibilities. You said you loved me, unlike others. When you gave me visions for the future, you helped me see all your potential. I knew what was normal for me was not normal for others, yet I did not understand why. When the negatives came, I knew it to be my fault, for I had no other knowledge. I questioned how I could have made this happen. My perfection was not good enough to deliver the future you desired. Upon realizing what the future had to hold with my marred life, you tossed me aside.

Disfigured in disgrace, I got up again and was ready to move forward when blow after blow you knocked me down. Again, I realize my responsibility in not delivering your future to you. I look at my open hands and wonder why did God make perfection with a flaw. Perhaps you did, perhaps I did. You made something so perfect on the outside, but when you look into the center, everyone can see the imperfections, the damage, the hole.

What is left to do from here? The flaw is unmendable. It is now a part of the perfection you created, and like a crack in a windshield, the shattering is starting to spread across the entirety of the being of who I am. I wonder if others can now see the flaw in my perfection, as I can no longer hide the shattering. I should have been able to stop the disfiguring. I should have been able to be strong enough to stop the shattering. I should have been able to be more, but alas, the flaw has overcome me, and all that is left is a disgraced life. Others will be affected by the flaw, not the perfection. Others will have to see the weakness instead of the strength. Others will see a future so twisted by the past that they have to look away. Thank you for my flaw. We shall live together in harmony forever.

Mis Jess,
Well hello! How are you doing? I know it’s a silly question to ask yourself, but it is good to check-in every once in a while and assess. In case you are wondering, you are doing okay. It doesn’t always feel like it but that’s okay. Thank you for pushing through crappy parts and seeing through to better days. You have been brave through so much, thanking you for getting us this far.
I know one of your favorite quotes comes from Rent. “The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s Creation!” You have made that such a driving force over the last few years it is beautiful to see. You take the “wars” around you and internalize that pain before you realize it. However, you have managed to channel that energy and rather than allow it to eat at your soul and sour your attitude you have transformed it into storytelling, art, and caring for others.
It is terrifying to be so different, especially from those you love, but you choose to embrace the spectrum of viewpoints you encounter. You choose to see as beautiful. You choose to seek out good in the in the worst of situations and present to anyone who will listen. Even though you sometimes fail miserably at that, you haven’t spent that time focusing on the negative or living in a state of hopelessness, or worse, apathy. Caring can often hurt but you refuse to let it defeat you.
Do you hear that word; that theme in you? You continually choose. It’s got me through some of the darkest times and it will serve you well in the future.
You struggle to see the beauty in you. Don’t we know it? While I wish we could see what others seem to see in us, do you take the time each day to appreciate how much difference you make in the world? Maybe making a difference just means accepting you are different. You are wonderfully weird, my sweet. Love yourself each day as much as I love you in this moment.

Uniquely Yours,
You

Your body—a microcosmic ecosystem,
an orchestral orgasm where every resonance
sings in harmony with your heartbeat.

Your mind—a slippery survivalist,
a battle between contours,
the subconscious reflected
in every perception,
every perspective.

This is
your history to rewrite,
your legacy to ignite
in each breath,
each moment.

This world as you know it
exists only while you’re in it.
So own it.
Mold it.
Rock n’ roll it.
Do unto life and love as you feel fit.
Say what you wish and see what becomes of it.

Life is like your favorite pair of shoes.
Every step you take is in the right direction,
Even when you’re hesitant.
Growth.

Sometimes, you may get a little worn,
Maybe scuffed, but you don’t give up.
Just buy some cleaner
And brush the battle scars off.
Resilience.

Then grab some polish to shine them up.
Good as new, on to new beginnings.
Persistence.

Why throw away a perfect pair of shoes because they’ve walked a few miles
And don’t smell as fresh as they used to?
You could easily keep using them to step over obstacles and remain grateful for what they’ve gotten you through.
Reflective.

When time-worn, they’re at their best because you’ve lived some life in them.
The lessons learned through many journeys is what makes them your favorite.
Wisdom.

Hello World!
Last year on June 30th, I lost my sister unexpectedly. Thirty days later I lost my dad to cancer.
In December of that same year, my husband lost his mom and dad nineteen days apart. They’ve been my family for over forty years.
My sister and dad were two completely different types of death, two different kinds of grief, and all of these deaths were too close together to grieve each one in the way they deserved. But as time has passed, I’ve been able to grieve them individually.
With a lump in my throat, I search for words that will send love, support, and encouragement to all who are grieving, have grieved, and to those who will one day.
It’s a universal human experience and we will all know it intimately.
I begin my letter to you with this… I don’t believe there is a “grief expert” who can tell us how to navigate this very personal experience. However, I do think that sharing how we feel with others who are also grieving can be helpful.
My recent experience has taught me that we all accept, process, and learn how to live with loss in our own time.
That there is no right or wrong way to do it. That we all need to be free to experience grief in whatever way helps us move with it.
Note: we do not get over it or move through it. There’s no other side.
We move with it. It changes, we change, and we move together – us and grief. But it’s okay if you don’t move for a while. If you need to stay still for a little bit. I did.
Nobody can advise you on what to do, how to feel, or where you should be in your experience so don’t ever feel like you “should be” …. (fill in the blank)
It’s all up to you and these things will happen just as they should. We can see this when we lose a family member and notice how each person grieves in their own way and in their own time.
It’s so important to respect and support that. To give each person the time and space they need without question.
Someone once told me that, “grief is as unique as our fingerprint and no two people will experience it the same”.
I’m so happy to share that with you because it gave me so much comfort in my early grief and continues to do so.
It’s been a little over a year now, and I’m still grieving my family although the heaviness of it has lifted.
The pain and sadness are much lighter now, even though it feels deeper if that makes sense.
At first, everything was so heavy and on the outside. The memories were of death. The tears were falling whenever I spoke of them.
But as time passed, I began tucking pieces of the good memories inside for safekeeping and could speak of them without tears.
Sometimes, the memories will show up randomly and I smile because I’m so grateful for them. For the love we shared.
And now when I cry, my tears feel more like soft rain – not a raging storm.
As I sign off, I will leave you with this… even though it feels like you are not supposed to be happy or you shouldn’t laugh because they don’t get to anymore, even though it feels like you don’t know how to be in the world without them – like you no longer know who you are or what you want to do, things will get better.
They will never be the same, but they will get better. You will learn how to navigate life without them physically present. They will still be with you but in a new and different way. They never really leave you all the way.
You’ll see, I promise.
Love,

Oh, Life! What are you to me, as young as I?
Should I grace you to see the days go by,
Or see my loved one born, grow, wed and die?
‘Tis sad that my contrast feelings are tied.

Don’t mistake me for I am grateful,
But could I tell others that you’re faithful?
Could I tell them that their dreams grow graceful?
Would all hard efforts not be wasteful?

Folks, perhaps we confuse you so much with Fate,
And our dreams or goals may come another date,
Yet we thought our actions determined our State,
In the end, it’s our realization come late.

Oh Life! What, as young as I, are you to me?
Ups and downs as difficult you could be.
Would things get better? “We’ll just have to see.”
If dreams or nightmares happen, then c’est la vie.