Michael G Sinclair II
December 31st 2024
Confronting & Embracing The Fear Of Death
DEATH is coming for everyone, death doesn’t judge. It’s gonna come for you regardless of your religion, race, sexual orientation or the wrongs and rights you made in your life. Death doesn’t care if you were the best person in the world, or the worst. It doesn’t care how much people will mourn you or cry your name. It is coming for you; and I am not saying this in a macabre manner, only a factual one.
And that is what scares me the most about this invisible and yet recognizing force that everyone will meet sooner or later. We all hope for a later time, but the fact of the matter is we have no control over it so we as humans don’t understand something, we forget about it. Or leave it alone. But that doesn’t work with a brain like mine, living with the constant reminder that death could be at the door ready to knock and claim my life puts me in a cage of my own mind. And the fact that one day I can’t ignore that knock puts my mind in a constant state of panic. Like right now, as I am sitting in my room with the lights turned off at 10:12pm on New Year’s eve. The only thing keeping my room illuminated is the computer I got for the Holidays, but I can’t help but wonder if this is what the millions of people claimed by death will see for all eternity.
Darkness, no light. Just darkness.
Or do they see a God of their choice?
Maybe they will meet eternal suffering or eternal bliss.
The first time I saw a dead body, I was a young boy, much younger than I am today. A family member, a man who I thought was the most loving man. A man whom I immortalized in my extremely early adolescent mind. A man who I thought was untouchable by death.
He layed in his coffin, in a bright baby blue suit. His hands folded over his abdomen; younger me thought he looked funny, his skin was ever so slightly gray and his chest was still as can be.
It was only until I saw him lowered into the ground. Buried under dirt was when I realized.
I will never see him again.
Since then I have seen death touch more family members of mine, even strangers I didn’t know. I saw death everywhere I turned.
Another car crash.
Another school shooting.
Another war.
Another bombing .
Another uncontrollable disease or virus claiming the lives of millions.
Death was here.
Death was there.
An inescapable force that was present in my everyday life.
Until I let it consume my mind, turning into my biggest fear that I can ever think of.
But it is only now that I wonder, is life truly meaningful without the looming presence of our untimely demise?
Will we enjoy everything life has to offer if death wasn’t a factor?
If death wasn’t real and we live and live and keep living until the sun engulfs the earth, will we be able to enjoy the little things?
I won’t let this fear win.
I can only overcome it by admitting that death will also kiss me. And I know that tomorrow isn’t promised to me, or anyone on this earth. I will not push the thought of death away, but I will make sure that it is present. As a constant reminder to live right now. Because now is the only timeline that exists, because NOW I am alive.
And although I do not know when I will go, just like everyone else, I too want death to come at a later time. But it is not in my control.
And now I see that my fear isn’t death necessarily, it is the fear that I have not lived long enough. That I haven’t seen all of what life has to offer, but now I will live.
I will live for the ones who are no longer with us
It is 11:11 pm on New Year’s eve.
The year is about to be over. And I will enjoy it with my family. I will enjoy the rain that is pouring from the sky.
And I will enjoy being alive.

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