Tears rolled down my face as I realized for the first time that I had to take accountability for the parts I played in the heartache, grief and disappointment I had experienced in my life.

For the ones I loved, I had always been willing to show up at the drop of a dime. Even overlook my self to be of service to others and when it wasn’t reciprocated it devastated me. Often I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be treated as I had treated others? Why was my passion for people draining me? Why wasn’t I valued as I valued others? As these thoughts plagued my mind; I had never felt fulfilled but yet I still gave of myself; even if it was just fumes of hope and perseverance.

As I lay one morning, spiritually empty and struggling to understand the purpose for my life and the unbalanced return of my goodness. I heard a faint laugh followed by a voice that questioned me. “Do you know why you continue to be disappointed by (hu)man?” I sat clueless, speechless and puzzled and God answered, “Because you put your expectations in everyone except me!” The realization had smacked me dead in the face! I had totally disregarded God by not trusting HIM to be whom he said HE IS, HAS BEEN AND WILL BE! I hadn’t leaned on him, yet I had expected from others, what I needed; not what they were able or capable to give. Neither had I took the time to see if they were knowledgeable of how to give it.

For example, when I needed and wanted love; I picked and set upon individuals my expectations on how, when, where and what I wanted that love to look like. I was completely unaware or either I totally disregarded if they even knew how to love; what love was; when to show it or express it.

God showed me in that moment that I had put more faith in his creation than HIM, THE CREATOR. How crazy was I to do that? I had been putting him last to depend on, consult with and follow. I had unconsciously considered (hu)man to be more fulfilling to me than God and that’s why I had felt so empty.

From that day I stepped out the way and asked God to be God! I have never put a human before him again. I trust him with all of me and every aspect of my life. And in return he has granted me some of my greatest desires and the greatest of them all is MY PEACE. It wasn’t until I begin to trust him did I discover it had laid dormant in me the entire time, I just had to release it.

Dear Niece,

A mother’s gain, an aunt’s loss is what I experienced having you in my life and losing you. You became my third but oldest child. Having you in my household was so fulfilling to my soul. To see you smile and the gloom and fear in your eyes disappear was everything. I could feel the burden of your spirit lift off you, as I consumed it and carried it. I wanted to fulfill your desires to live with me permanently but I had been denied the opportunity. The sadness and depression I had when taking you home after the summer you spent with me, had not even scratched the surface of the pain I felt, losing you forever. Your passing taught me how to call on Jesus and TRUST in GOD when I have nothing left inside of me to grasp, to survive. To stay sane, I have accredited so many things to you in your passing as positive changes in my life.

Your organ donations impacted the lives of 6 people; which inspired me to make a difference in this world. Your one body gave way to 6 lives, to live and not die, to be able to be healthy or healed. You leaving at the tender age of 14 taught me TO LIVE NOW, because life had ended for you before it even truly began. So, two months after your passing I officially moved to the Coast. It was a profound moment because I had told you on our visit here, that I would bring you with me if I ever moved. Well baby I didn’t get to bring you physically but I have you in my heart, I have your school artwork hung up in my home, and the flower I was given at your funeral is still living, that gives me joy.

I wonder where you’d be and what you’d be doing, often I answer, “She would be doing EVERYTHING!” that inspires me to continue to keep pushing, keep fulfilling my dreams, take in the moment, and never take life for granted; never think there is always time because the loss of you taught me time is truly of the essence. I can feel your presence at times and I pray that you are proud that I chose to give it to God, the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the grief, and all that surrounded taking that loss not from the natural but by the hands of a 15-year-old. Life hadn’t prepared me beforehand but yet on the spot to FORGIVE QUICKLY! Hatred can destroy the good in people and I knew the good in you would have prevailed. It was too painful to process a child I love, taking the life of a child I love but that taught me how to GIVE IT TO GOD, vengeance is not mine. Love conquers a multitude of things and the love you gave me, I shared it in the moments that needed mending.

Even in loving your mom through it all and until the end, I discovered the true meaning of God’s grace and mercy and how sufficient it truly is. So thank you my sweet niece for teaching me about life within your short life. Your memories and everything I can imagine you would have become, I will become because you were simply amazing. Your mom told me after you passed, that you once told her, “She’s not my cousin, my aunt but MY MOM” and that if she would take your clothes to my house and place them on the porch, I’d know you were coming home. I wish that could be so but God needed you back. But, no matter the distance, from Earth to the highest Heaven, your spirit will always be home within my soul.