This song goes out to my younger self
I made that little girl a lot of promises…

What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you the whole world.
I’m so sorry life turned out this way,
I know all you wanted was just to be okay.
What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you this whole world…

But I will avenge you.

A fallen angel and her reckless revenge,
I won’t forget you.
Actually, I mostly just respect you.
‘Cause even after everything you’ve been through,
After every mother fucker who thought that they could buy, sell, and spend you,
The worst were the ones that left you.
There were times you thought that it would end you.
But instead you,
Treated every day like it was brand new.
You just wanted to be important,
Someone people could be a friend to.
But people just take advantage
and pretend to.
Sometimes it’s better to walk away,
Tell em screw you.
Because one day they’ll all talk about how they knew you.
Believe me when I say boo…

I will avenge you.

To every fake friend that’s ever made me cry;
To every love that made me say goodbye;
Any of you who took the stars out of my skies:
You’ll have your own scars and regret leaving my life.
‘Cause all they do lately is clap for me!
I’ll never fall for another trap for me.
Getting inspired by the music it’s like they rap for me.
I’ve never felt more like a masterpiece…
Actually, I’m a prodigy,
I’m a shell shocker and they zap with me,
I get my revenge every time they clap for me!
So clap for me! 💣🎶
What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you the whole world…
I’m so sorry life can be this way,
But one day you’ll make everything okay.
What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you this whole world…

But I will avenge you.
I will avenge you.
I will avenge you.

I will avenge you.

Thankful for the times
I wanted to quit &
Never did.
Sometimes I felt mentally
Exhausted. Sometimes I had achs &
Pains, Other times I let
Anxiety push me
Away. Or i let the depression
Sink in, feeling tired and looking sick.
But the thought of giving up,
Only brought anger and disappointment.
So I’m writing this poem to give thanks
& I hope I inspire others to do the same.

Dear Younger Self,
I am truly proud of the woman I’ve become today because of you. It’s amazing to me how much pain and suffering you have endured for so many years and yet your still standing strong deep inside of me. The way you overcame so many obstacles and transcended all your struggles in life is truly unbelievable. The resilience you have is powerful. I absolutely admire how you’ve mastered the challenge of being PURE.
At the tender age of 6, you lost your innocence and was lead astray in the dark to a lifestyle that was taught to be “normal”. Deep down inside things just didn’t feel right. In your heart you felt something more..
As you went on in life, you always felt weird and alienated. Like you didn’t fit in or don’t belong, like something is wrong with you. You were manipulated, molested and abused by your own family but when you found out the truth, you choose to protect and hide the lies and deceit. Instead of crying for helping, you chose to love. Not knowing any better, you went your whole life experiencing heartbreak and betrayals because you always chose love.
Until one day, you were brave enough to look into the mirror and saw the dark reflections of anger, sorrow, resentments and depression. You saw the obsession of drugs and alcohol you used to hide the emotions and the truth. To hide the feelings of always wanting and needing to be touched, since that day you were first touched underneath your pretty yellow dress with daisies.
Every since that day of sexual abuse you chose to make every excuse to love pain, negativity and every toxic relationship called love.
Today I am proud of you because you chose love that is true. You chose you. You choose to SELF LOVE. Now you are my refugee, comfort and safety net because you chose to HEAL and FORGIVE. You chose to let apart of you die, purify and relive. Because of you I see clearly now there’s beauty in the darkness. You have always been a lover and a fighter but today you fight for self love, compassion and grace. All because I now understand that everything you went through back then allowed me to gain the courage to stop looking at myself as a victim and embrace the warrior spirit inside of me with love and light. To accept my destiny by playing the cards that was dealt to me. I admire your perseverance in giving up your power for the power of love. Using the power of love for the greater good. No matter what you go through you choose to look on the brighter side. You chose to be grateful for the storms.
You know that by playing the fool in the journey of life, using the magic of “inner child” and keeping your heart pure is the gateway to the kingdom of heaven.
I’m proud of you for being you. Today you are your true authentic self. Your purity of heart, mind, body and soul is the pure fool’s gold at the end of the rainbow. I commend you for fighting the good fight so that I can use my sword of truth. Today I protect you because you are innocent . You are my guiding light. You are so bright and I love you for giving me a new perspective and the ability to see the world with a fresh new pair of eyes with curiosity and wonderment. Your childlike faith, trust in the unknown and God’s protection is how I am able to feel the energy of the sun because you are hopeful and you believe. With you I imagine and dream, wishing upon the stars because I know anything is possible.
Today you are the co creator of your own destiny. You are receiving your justice from having the courage to change through healing and recovery. You live a fufilling and abundant spiritual life so happy, joyous and free.
I promise to continue to take care of you through therapy, sobriety and celibacy. I promise to keep fighting and conquering the challenges of purity. Thank you for helping me find my power. Thank you for setting me free.

Love,

Being excited about this challenge, I was going to go all out and try to find an inspirational quote and write a generic hook about how I experienced adversity which, in turn, developed me into the person I am now. But hey, how this unfolds has already been predetermined in my eyes. All that to the side, before I share, I want to draw attention to how important it is to not only love who you are regardless but also know you are enough. Period. Point blank. This is a lesson that I had to unfortunately repeat time and time again until it hit me like a truck, and the memo finally planted the concept in my mind. The importance of having self-worth was something I struggled with, because in today’s world, a component of engaging with people has become ‘what can you—as a man or woman—do for them, and can you continue to keep doing it without displaying signs of vulnerability?’ Now, that can be a whole other topic for another day, so let me stay on point.

Hey, I don’t know who you are, and you don’t really know me—not fully. But I want to say while I have your attention, even if it’s just for this moment—thank you. Thank you for listening. This letter is for you, and it’s also for me. It’s a reminder of how far I’ve come and a chance to recognize every step it took to get here, even the ones that hurt. Taking time to look back in retrospect, my subconscious or true self, without getting too deep, always tried to seep out during certain moments of my childhood where it took people by surprise or I was given a label.

As a child, this gave me the feeling that I had to hide this part of myself to be accepted by not only peers but family. It was like I had to trade a chunk of who I was at that time just to feel worthy. Worthy of what? To be honest, I don’t even recall how I felt at that current state, but I know how worthless I felt at that time. Back then, especially in the early 2010’s, that component was actually what made me whole. That’s where the silent war began, because how can you love yourself? How could I feel worthy when I’m consistently shrinking to conform to other people’s perceptions of who I am? So I created a fortress constructed from accolades, fables, titles, nonsensical claims, and a distorted representation of what I was trying to proclaim. But whenever it was time for battle or even a war, I had to stand my ground, prove myself, show I knew how to walk and talk. And I cracked instantly. Though another attribute I possess is the capacity to think and act quickly. This allowed me to win countless wars against those who tried to test my fortress, and I wouldn’t let them destroy what I created. Despite that, I wasn’t ready for the test I put myself through.

There was a day that fortress crumbled. The mending scars of war had come to their last leg, and eventually, that fortress was broken. My ego couldn’t bear witness to what happened. It was like I was stripped naked for all to see, but most importantly, for myself to finally see. To see that beneath all those layers, I was someone I couldn’t truly stand to be. I saw all the pretenses, and it was like looking at a stranger. All that effort, all that armor—and still, I wasn’t enough. The fortress wasn’t worth it, nor were the battles I fought or the sacrifices I made to keep it intact. Now, I don’t have many words left before it exceeds 800, so I’ll give you the short version. It took that moment for me to realize that I had no sense of self-worth, and it took a season, metaphorically speaking, for me to build self-esteem after almost two decades of living. Being transparent, I’m still strengthening the foundation of my new fortress. However, I know that the foundation, as it was supposed to be, is constructed from knowing that I’m enough simply by existing. I’m me, and that’s all it takes

Dear Younger Me,

Hey. I see you sitting there, feeling like you don’t quite belong, like maybe you’re invisible. I know you’re searching for something to make the ache disappear, to quiet that inner storm. You’re drawn to the energy around you, the music, the lights, and the pulse. You’ll think that losing yourself is the answer. But listen carefully—one day, you’ll realize it was never about escape.

Hold onto this: there’s no room for hate on the dance floor. There’s no space for fear, for shame, or for the emptiness you feel right now. Those places, the nights under neon lights, aren’t meant for hiding. They’re places of freedom, connection, and belonging. And one day, you’ll find your place in that world—not as someone fading into the shadows, but as someone standing proud, your spirit unbroken.

You’re going to face challenges that feel like they might crush you. There will be choices that lead to dark roads, where you’ll struggle with loss, pain, and addiction. You’ll spend years trying to fill a void with anything that might silence the hurt. But here’s what I want you to know: none of that will ever define you. Even when it feels impossible, you are stronger than you can see right now.

You’re going to step into spaces where hate, pain, and judgment have no power. You’ll return to the music and the lights, and this time it’ll be different. You’ll make your way to the dance floor not to hide, but to celebrate every part of who you are—the girl who faced darkness, who thought she might lose herself, but who found the strength to stand tall. You’ll create your own beat and make your own way. Your heart will beat to a rhythm that’s pure and real—your rhythm.

Even when the world tries to pull you down, remember you are loved and worthy of all the joy and freedom that life can offer. You’ll find peace where there was once chaos and purpose where there was emptiness. One day, you’ll dance, no longer bound by the shadows. You’ll be free, whole, and fearless.

Stand tall, girl. The world is waiting for you.

With all the love you’re still learning to give yourself,

I am the version of you who overcame. I am the version of you that is currently healing. I am the version of you that didn’t let the pain become me. I I wanted to tell you I love you. I wanted to tell you that you are enough. I wanted to tell you that you have a purpose. I wanted to tell you you are not what happened or what will happen to you! I wanted to let you know that you are not your present, past, or future, but you are what God called you. I wanted to tell you the pain will be worth it. I wanted to tell you that I am healing for us, for you, for our family. I wanted to tell you it was for a purpose. I wanted to tell you that God loves you. I wanted to tell you to keep your head high. 
 
I want you to know that what you do from here on out may be rooted in pain, but you are going to change. You are going to heal those versions of you that were broken. You are working towards loving people. Don’t give in to life’s circumstances. You will always overcome because you are strong. You can’t be broken, so do not wallow in your hurt. Push forward. You can heal. Never let any battle deter you from walking your path. Take a break if you must, but keep going! You are beautiful. You are smart. You are worthy of love and blessings. Don’t worry because I got you! God had you in every season of your life, whether you felt him or not. It happened for a reason, and you are still God’s child. You are still pure!
 
You will change your family’s generation. You will break generational patterns. You will heal areas no one has touched, and because of that, suffering will be there. Grief will be present. Loneliness will stop by, but you will forever be protected, cherished, and loved by God. Despite the pain, keep going. It will get brighter, and so will you. I love you! 

You’re not stuttering like you used to; well, I guess still you do
But it isn’t what we’re used to.

You’re not going nonverbal… well, I guess you still are.
But that’s okay; we know it now, and sometimes it’s cute.

But really?

You’re not sitting in a corner drooling,
Like the doctors said, you would.
Every specialist and therapist was sure,
of the quality of life to be lived.

Keep speaking,
Keep learning,
Do your reading and writing, too.
You know these things help you.

It’s okay to cope, but don’t forget to breathe.
This world is scary, but you can be full of glee.

And hey…
I’ll keep protecting the girl you never got to be

Dear Younger Me,

I know how hard it is. The world around you seems so big, filled with voices, laughter, and sounds you want to join, but can’t. You have so much to say, but it feels trapped inside, like you’re watching life from behind a window you can’t open. There’s frustration, sometimes sadness, and a worry that maybe others won’t understand you.

But I want you to know something beautiful: you will find your voice. It will take time, patience, and moments when it feels impossible, but slowly, those words will come. One sound at a time, then words, then sentences you’ll start to share everything you feel. You’re building a bridge to the world, one that only you could build, and it will be worth every step.

Overcoming this challenge will shape you in ways you can’t yet see. You’ll understand what it feels like to be unheard, and that understanding will make you compassionate. You’ll meet others who struggle, who feel lost or different, and you’ll be able to reach them because you understand. And one day, you’ll stand in front of others, using your voice to make a difference for those who feel unseen.

So keep going, little me. Take each small step, and know you are stronger than you think. You’re on a journey that will make you powerful in ways you can’t even imagine, and the world is waiting to hear what only you can say.

Dear Becky,

You’re loud now.

That seems ludicrous from your position. Right now you’re small and shy and you listen to your teachers. You don’t talk back; you don’t try to think outside of your bubble. From where I’m sitting I know it’s because you’re afraid of failure, of shame in the face of our father’s angry disappointment. You’ll get over that.

But you’re loud now. You have opinions and you share them. You laugh at stupid things. Honestly sometimes it’s concerning what gets you giggly, but you’re not worried about looking foolish in public anymore. You jam out at your work desk to silly songs and rock ballads and musical numbers, and you don’t care who spots your horrible dance moves as they walk past. You dance in grocery aisles, in full view of other patrons! You laugh at yourself and don’t mind when others laugh when it’s all in good fun. You’ve embraced being silly and dorky without any concern of your pride or ego being bruised. You dress in bright colors, in clothes that make you feel good; gone is the all-black wardrobe. It’s not nearly as flattering a color as people would lead you to believe.

You’re loud now, and you’re better for it. We spent too long hiding in corners and behind our insecurities. That’s not to say some of them aren’t still hanging around and probably always will. But you’re louder than them now, you drown them out with your smile and your laugh and a confidence that, at one point, seemed truly unattainable.

Your anger is louder too, but that’s a good thing, I promise! Because it’s not just your anger that’s louder. Your happiness is too. Your joy, your curiosity, your empathy, the whole spectrum of emotions breathes deep in you now. You feel things. You let yourself feel things, even when they’re hard. It’s not perfect – nothing is – but it’s further than you thought you’d get.

It’s kind of funny when I tell people what we used to be like. “I didn’t talk,” is usually how I start my explanation, trying to paint a picture of this shy bookworm who strove for perfect grades and wouldn’t dare talk back for anything. You’ll get there, I promise, to that point where mingling with strangers doesn’t make your skin tight and your stomach clench anymore. Where you know that your voice not only can be heard but should be heard. To where standing up to even the most intimidating of authority figures is a challenge but not an outright impossibility.

You’re loud now. You take up space in people’s hearts and minds, in the world around you. It’s chaotic and frustrating and frightening, but you’re not hiding from it anymore. You’re not going back. You’re loud now and you’re going to keep the volume up.

Love,

You, Cranked Up To 11

Dear little me, I’m sorry I hurt you.
But I don’t wish to take it back-
Because God likes taking trash, and recycle/reform…
He Loves you more than ever. I do though wish
I could have told you that-
While you were still…A fine strapping-young lad!
You know what they say, A chip off the ol’ block…
You had no regrets…without even a pair of socks!
You were so happy! Please forgive me,
I’m 45 yrs. old now-but you’re still crying inside of me…
it’s kind of embarrassing sometimes young Timothy.
But it’s also ok, Because you’re facing all this
stuffed down in your past-where high enough couldn’t exist…
You know you can come out of the waiting room now young man.

You now have gone, from beer, TV, and the old lady,
To Beautiful wine, woman, and song-Even though it’s really just grape juice…
On high demand at her command!
It’s ok, I got to get back to work-I’ll speak more when I’m done.
But yet till…Thank you for forgiving me…That’s your Super Powers!
And it’s all A-ok, Please believe me-that Super Power is in you!
You wouldn’t want doubt to steal it away from you, would you?
No way! for you’ve finally found your Savior, Shepherd, and King…
Jesus Christ the Holy Righteous One-never let your bad go to far,
in anything.

Do wish though-I could of told you then,
But you know man…I knew not then myself.

Love-your wife and kids’ hero.

*The glory of children are their fathers*
*And a Virtuous wife is the crown to her husband*
…Holy Bible

Hey, by the grace of God, you survived to tell this story. It’s interesting what a piece of ice can do for one’s life; how a piece of ice can be used as such a valuable reminder to not panic. You were so young, not even in the double digits yet, if memory serves me well. You were in the kitchen drinking Kool-Aid that was chilled by ice cubes. Sometimes in drinking, one will capture a piece of ice in the mouth and play around with it, enjoying the coolness and the hardness, before spitting it back into the cup.

That is precisely what you were doing and it was something you’d done many times. However, this time was different. One of those ice cubes got lodged in the back of your throat, immediately making it difficult to breathe. A sense of dread grabbed hold of you, even more so, because you were home alone. “What do I do?” At the onset of panicking, you calmed down and collected yourself, dumping the remaining contents of the cup into the sink, before turning the faucet on for warm water. It was as if you were a completely different person (this calmness something you would later attribute to mercies of the Almighty God). You allowed some of the warm water to fill part of the cup and, once done, tilted your head backward and dumped that warm water down your throat in hopes of melting the ice that was stuck there.

Thank GOD. It worked. There was some soreness after, but you lived.

You probably never would have guessed the volumes this would speak to you in the future. It is a story that you often remembered and sometimes told. It helped you through a very difficult time in your life, during and after the loss of Papa and, coincidentally, it is now serving a purpose once more for you today. No, not today in an all-encompassing sense, but today, October 31, 2024.

May the essence of this story echo throughout the rest of your life when it gets overwhelming and you have many reasons to panic.

Peace be.

Dear Younger Me,

I know that you’re carrying a weight that feels unbearable—a pain that you haven’t shared with anyone, maybe because you’re afraid they won’t believe you, or because it hurts too much to say aloud. You’re trying to protect yourself, piece by piece, from a world that has hurt you in a way no one should ever experience. You feel scared, lonely, and maybe even ashamed, but I’m here to tell you: you didn’t do anything wrong. This pain isn’t yours to hold alone, and it doesn’t define you.

I want you to know that healing is possible, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. There will come a day when you look back on this moment, not with the same pain you feel today but with a sense of strength and pride for having survived it. That inner strength will help you move forward, piece by piece, as you learn to rebuild trust—in yourself and in others.

You’ll come to find people who support you, who understand your story, and who will help you on the days when the memories resurface. You won’t feel this burden alone forever. Therapy, self-care, and the support of people who truly care about you will help you learn how to live again, free from the shadows of what happened. And through it all, you’ll become someone who has a deep well of empathy and resilience, someone who uses their experience to bring compassion to others who have been hurt too.

It’s okay if the healing process is messy and complicated. There will be good days and hard days. But one day, you’ll recognize how strong you are for surviving. You’ll learn to love yourself again and to embrace the parts of you that you felt you had to hide. You are resilient, worthy of love and respect, and you have a future full of hope and healing waiting for you.

When you’re ready, reach out to others for support. You don’t have to face this alone. There’s a whole life ahead, one where you reclaim your happiness, your peace, and your sense of safety. Know that I’m proud of you, just as you are, and that you’ll grow into someone who is courageous, compassionate, and whole.

With all my love and strength,
Your Future Self

Dear Justin Barnes,

This letter is to travel to the past to where you are in your time. In the future, I wanted to thank you for a challenge you will eventually overcome. One that has put many halts on improving your heart and soul. You will realize that the world is not as scary as it should be. You were born with some trauma, as many other people do in this wild world. This world is full of hardships and failure. There are a lot of disappointments and embarrassing moments. However, this letter is not about that; instead, it is a challenge you will eventually overcome that will change your perspective on those mentioned earlier. A challenge that I have endured and overcome in the future is the challenge of risk-taking. You are probably scared and believe that this is illogical, as I know myself better than anyone. I know you will be objective and that this sounds dramatic. Taking risks is a part of life; if we do not push our limits and risk failure or rejection, we will never learn or better ourselves. I played it safe when I was your age. I could have become a doctor, experienced new perspectives and cultures, learned new ideas, and even learned to be a better husband than before. If there is anything that you should take from this message, please take risks. Even if they hurt you, as you will learn in the future, it will better you. You will become stronger, wiser, and more intelligent as a result. More opportunities will occur as a result of this. Do not mistake this message as a message of regret and unhappiness. You will become something great. Maybe even something greater will happen in the next five years. With all this said, what do you need to do? The answer is nothing because if you change, I change as well. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that one day, you will have the opportunity of your dreams, a lovely wife, house, children, and even the profession of your dreams. Just know when the time comes in 2015, begin to take those risks as it will change your life, and those 22 years of uncertainty and depression will melt away. You are destined to overcome this challenge, so fear not, and your time will come.

Sincerely, your future self.