Dear Part of Me,

Part of me yearns for you to recognize that life will be a journey… and that we will be plenty of versions of ourselves. Nothing is ever set in the stone pillars we can sometimes surround ourselves with. We will reach new heights, but we also may become lost and take a few steps back. This is okay. 

Part of me wants to tell you every single thing that happens, to warn you and prep you. But with this attempt at future-telling would deplete the worldliness you will gain with every flaw, setback, and triumph. Sometimes we have to realize things on our own, in our own time. This takes patience.

Part of me feels if I tell you to love yourself and give yourself grace, you wouldn’t believe me anyway. You think you deserve this pain and somewhere along the way, you learned this need for self-punishment. The scars on your body are now reminders; with every cut, gash, scrape that have since healed. You will live with these reminders, while I leave you with this promise…

There are things in life that happen, magic happens. When your favorite song comes on the radio by chance, or when you pour soda in a glass and the foam juuust reaches the top without fizzing over… and when you feel the interconnectedness of the universe; the tap of a drumstick on a snare that travels through the body and reverberates sounds of music through the vast open air to your ears where you feel… at one with yourself. You are at one because you know you are part of more. While life doesn’t get easier, we get stronger. ​

Find your strength. Find your truth. Keep keeping on. And always wear eye cream… because you can only prevent, you can’t undo.

With love,
Part of You

To Catherine:

Honestly, I didn’t think you would ever get there.
I always knew you were going to make it work, I never doubted that, but going to the place takes courage.
Not that I didn’t think you were courageous.
You’ve just always been so nice.
Being nice has always been your superpower but it holds you back. How could you get to the truth when you are always so easy to stomp?
You proved me wrong.
You did it nicely.
You made it to the place without having to do it at someone else’s expense.
Sometimes on your own.
The crimes that have been done to you were not fair nor easy to move forward from, but you still did it.
I find it impressive.
I thought you had to be a certain type of person to move there, one that’s not selfless because how could a selfless person achieve anything for themselves?
You did it with blows to the face.
I’m sorry I doubted you, but thank you for doing it anyway.
It taught me something about myself that I’m not proud of.
That I make assumptions about people.
That nice people get walked all over until they aren’t nice anymore.
But you never had shame wiping the dirt off people’s feet.
You did it pridefully.
You wanted to, that was helping you help yourself get there.
I get it now.
Thank you for not getting discouraged, I know I must have not been helpful in that way.
I know I wanted to make fun of you for being who you are.
Thank you for showing me the way.
I’m going to follow you with the same compassion for others.
I’ll take the punches you did and I’ll make it there just as honestly.
I don’t need to be the type of person I thought I did to get there.
I just need to be nice, like you.
Thank you.
You were really nice to me when I needed you and I never forgot it.
See you when I get there.
I’m sorry I teased you when we were kids.
You didn’t deserve that.

From: Catherine

Never would I say I was bad, but mischievousness could get in the way.
A scrambled brain teenager; put me in a skillet
I was burning out of control.
Fifteen years old and I was ready to go, not to a dance; not to school,
or a planned activity.
You see I wanted to end it all for me.
What was on my mind that day?
In that apartment I sat silently – by myself.
My thoughts overwhelming, refusing to leave me alone.
I walked into the bathroom looked into the mirror, and only
saw disappointment – a young girl’s failure
Who could I make proud, who would believe in me?
Hands shaking, lips quivering I opened the cabinet door.
I saw pills, and pills galore
This is the end; I can’t take much more.
Life at that time was mean; I no longer wanted to be seen.
Yet, I was only fifteen
What was on my mind that day?
I vaguely, remember; only that my stomach was so sore.
Please stop pushing, push me no more!
God didn’t take me
Life tried to break me, confusion had me twisted as a pretzel
and imagining my family would be better off without me.
I knew that they loved me.
Whatever the reason I wasn’t standing on solid ground
I was trapped in a mudslide I was going down.
The confidence, the strength and the power you see today
it comes from that fifteen-year-old teenager who almost gave life away.

Imagine this…You are a newly married couple and are told “You can’t have children. Everything we have tried has failed. There is one more option.” The young couple chooses the last option and it is adoption. They foster to adopt several children before being told in December of 1997, “There is a 4 day old baby that needs you.” They foster this baby and then, about a year later, are told “Hey, that baby has 2 older sisters you are bringing home too.”
Now imagine this. you are a 2 year old child who has endured more than a 2 year old should and you don’t trust anyone or anything.
That was me. It took me a very long time to earn my foster mom’s trust because of the physical and mental abuse and neglect I sustained before being removed from the home. I am so glad I earned my foster mom’s trust because she and her husband went on to become our adoptive parents and this past September, we celebrated 25 years of our adoption. Two of us kids have families of our own and me…well, let’s just say I am taking my time and spending as much time as I can with my parents. Just remember, trust is hard to earn, easy to lose, and easy to love.

Dear young girl,

Life has undoubtedly presented you with profound challenges that have shaped your journey in unimaginable ways. I know you’ve grappled with your very existence, questioning why you felt different in a world that often celebrates conformity. Every stare from strangers must have felt like a spotlight on your pain, yet those individuals never bothered to ask what lay beneath the surface. You are the girl who wondered, “Would someone ever love me?” The truth is, your chronic illness has placed a heavy burden on your thoughts, body, and spirit, making it difficult to envision a brighter future.

It’s easy to default to feelings of isolation when you are reminded daily of your limitations. The gear – the braces and walking devices – became a constant reminder of your struggles, distancing you from the carefree essence of childhood. Simple joys, like bike rides and splashes in the pool, were overshadowed by the fear of breaking your fragile bones. Anger brewed within you, amplified by the lack of love and support you felt. You faced more hospital visits than playground outings, and behind your smile lay a profound sadness.

You have carried an invisible weight, living each day with unvoiced pain and silently battling feelings of loss and disconnection. Your chronic illness became an unwelcome companion, intruding on your body and robbing you of the chance to experience a typical childhood. Society placed labels on you, defining you as someone who wouldn’t succeed, someone who needed to hide her scars rather than showcasing them as a badge of resilience.

But I urge you to look at the woman you are today! You emerged victorious from those dark moments, and your strength has transformed you into a remarkable individual. You triumphed over what many labeled as insurmountable obstacles. You graduated, and in doing so, you shed the identity of a broken child. No longer do you confine yourself to the shadows; you found your freedom, reclaiming your identity as a whole person.

Now, you are a flourishing woman who has embraced love, motherhood, and your voice. The paths once untraveled have opened up to you, granting you the possibility to dream and believe in the beauty of life. Your scars no longer serve as symbols of defeat; they weave together a narrative that inspires others who face similar adversities. You crafted a story that reveals hope—a beacon for the next young girl who might think that her struggles define her existence.

You are proof that a chronic illness may alter the journey, but it does not dictate the destination. Your journey has become a testimony that speaks volumes in the face of doubt and discouragement. Through resilience and determination, you have showcased that the human spirit can soar, unfettered by limitations.

As you continue to move forward, let your journey resonate with those who feel lost in their battles. You have become an unforgettable voice echoing resilience, showing other young girls that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For you are not merely surviving; you are triumphantly living.

So, hold your head high and continue to pave the way for others. Your story is a reminder: the fight against adversity is a powerful declaration of existence and triumph. Be proud of the woman you’ve become; you are a force to be reckoned with!

Oh, little me, I know that in 2006, we were just merely 8 years old,
so young, innocent, beautiful, growing, and full of life.
Life was wonderful and carefree and we felt happy to be a kid.
But suddenly, in a flash, like a huge earthquake shaking and destroying planet Earth,
we lost our grandmother on Daddy’s side, Grammy.
Little me, I know what we were taught and learned of death from Mommy and Daddy,
yet there were certain things we couldn’t fully comprehend.
No one truly explained why Grammy was gone, just that we wouldn’t understand
or that you’ll find out someday when you’re old enough.
The only thing we knew was that she had passed and wasn’t ever coming back.
Little me I know we didn’t fully comprehend what was going on anymore
or how our entire world would start falling apart from that day on.
At her service, we saw Grandpa cry, and we stood right beside him as hearts were breaking,
and we were comforting him, offering a hand and a shoulder to lean and cry on.
When we had to say our final goodbye, we didn’t cry; we constantly prayed instead.
Little me I know from that day on that death followed closely throughout the years,
and sometimes it felt like a curse, Grandpa even passing a year later in 2007.
While death felt like a cruse, sometimes we couldn’t even cry at all;
all the same, it was heart-wrenching, and the pain washed over us at times like a tidal wave.
I know we were born Catholic, but sometimes even cursed God, asking why.
But little me, as we grew up, we gained knowledge to understand the complexity of death.
Sometimes, some things occur for a reason beyond our command, for why we don’t know;
however, there are times when we can control certain aspects of our lives.
We know that death is a natural part of life, and it happens to us all,
at times, it happens sooner than later and can be quite unfair.
Little me, I wish you could hear me now when I tell you these things
because the pain of the grief that you tend to feel will always come and go,
but we have to learn to accept these sorts of things, as it’s a part of life.
The best thing we can do is to enjoy every day like it is our last.
Life is a beautiful thing, and death is, too, because those we know who die are at peace.
Little me, while I know we faced death at such a young age,
and since then, I’ve perserved it well, but even now, it still bothers me.
I know altogether that the concept of death is scary because of losing Grammy,
but as the years pass and we get older, it’ll happen, and we’ll have to face it.
You have to know to just embrace and cherish the moments you make in life.
Oh, little me, while the concept of facing death to those we love is beyond difficult,
and it may feel like your world is falling apart with having crying fits late at night,
it won’t get any easier, as with grief and death, it never is.
While I know too that we faced a task that no person wants a child to face so young,
please understand we’ll see them again one day when we go to heaven.
And little me, while death is never easy to face, no matter the age or time,
face it head-on: love and live life the best you can by making memories to last forever.

Dear Little Anthony,

I hope this letter finds you in a moment of quiet reflection. I have been afforded the opportunity to speak to you from the future— a future where pain has been met with resilience and transformation. I understand that right now you are facing unimaginable challenges that feel insurmountable. Entangled in a world that seems dark and threatening, and you will often feel lost and alone. But I want you to know that there is hope, and there is a path forward.

You are currently navigating the harsh realities of child abuse, foster care, attachment to the street culture and a life sentence that, if you allow it to, will crush any spark of joy or hope. Though it feels like you’re trapped in a never-ending nightmare, I want to assure you that these experiences are not the end of your story. In fact, they will be the crucible in which your resilience is forged.

You will often feel overwhelmed by despair, especially after your suicide attempt at 16. It will seem like there’s no way out, but every moment of suffering is laying the foundation for a resilience you cannot yet see. Each struggle you encounter is an invitation to rise stronger. It might not feel like it now, but there is a power within you waiting to be unleashed.

You are going to endure year over year in solitary confinement and it will be harrowing; you will question everything about yourself—your worth, your future, your very existence. It’s easy to slip into the belief that you are defined by your circumstances. But remember you are not what has happened to you. You are who you choose to become in response to those experiences.

In time, you will discover that resilience isn’t just about enduring hardship; it’s about transforming that hardship into wisdom. Be willing to learn and accept creative outlets to express yourself and write your own narrative. Art, writing, and connecting with others will become lifelines. Embrace these passions; they will show you the beauty that can emerge, even from the darkest places.

The world will change, and so will you. You will be given the chance to rise above the labels society has placed on you. You’ll realize that your past does not have to dictate your future. Your story will become one of triumph— not in the absence of scars, but in the embracing of them. You will confront your past and begin to heal, step by difficult step.

Keep your heart open to the possibility of connection. Surround yourself with those who believe in redemption and transformation. You will meet mentors who encourage you, fellow travelers who share similar journeys, reunite with a connection who reminds you that you are not alone and that LOVES reach has no boundaries. These relationships will be instrumental in your healing.

And one day, yes, even the unimaginable will happen. You will find yourself at the age of 39, hearing the words you never thought you’d hear: Anthony, your life sentence has been commuted by the Governor of Oregon. Let this moment wash over you. Know that it signifies a recognition of your humanity, your transformation, and your potential. It will be a powerful reminder that it is never too late to rewrite your story.

As you look back on these battles, do not focus solely on the pain but instead on the resilience you’ve cultivated. Celebrate your transformation—a testament to the fact that despite everything you’ve endured, you possess an indomitable spirit. Use your voice to share your journey, to inspire others who may find themselves in similar darkness.

Lastly, be gentle with yourself. Ten Steps forward and two steps backwards is still eight steps forward. Healing is not linear; it ebbs and flows, and each step forward will be met with challenges. Embrace the journey as it unfolds. Trust that amidst the struggles and pain, your life will blossom in vibrant, unexpected ways.

So, in all the chaos, hold on to the knowledge that the future holds much more than you can currently imagine. You’ll emerge from the darkness as a warrior, ready to share your light and inspire change. Your journey is just beginning, and it’s a beautiful one. And please hold onto this… I love who we have become!

With all my love and strength,

Your Future Self

Anxious girl, there is calmness in your chaos.
As I breathe deeply today, I now know that depression cannot slay us.

Though it may feel like an eternity, that clench in your chest is only temporary- it does not change the fact that you are a visionary.

And, no matter how difficult the moment may seem, learning to simply be is learning to set yourself free.

I know that others may have told you that what you feel is not that deep, but the depth of your soul is the ground beneath your feet.

You were never crazy for feeling emotions-
In truth, you were amazing for being so open.

May you feel empowered to be bold and unique. And, may you release the fear of the old to find your peace.

Somewhere on the path, I realized that it all starts in our mind, and taking it one day at a time I felt it unwind until it began to align.

Peace was always within us from the beginning and it is everlasting- an endless well of serenity to keep us steady while the world is passing.

When we breathe deep and release fear we become unshakeable. And, trusting in ourselves builds a bond that is unbreakable.

The past is over and the future is still unknown but in the present, you are right where you belong. May you rest deeply in trust that you are on your journey home.

Dear Em, 10/28/2024

I hope you find this during your freshman year of high school. Sorry, let me introduce myself. I am you from 8 years in the future. If you don’t believe me just put the love of your life on and his name is music. I want to give you some advice on some things that happen during your high school years. First things first. You will have a boyfriend and he will break your heart. If you could see it through my eyes since I’ve been through it all, he will come back multiple times. But I have good news, have you ever wondered why he broke up with you? Because people, especially your parents, pushed you to the limit of hating his guts for the rest of your life. Well, to be fair with you, it wasn’t him. It was his and your parents that pushed it for it to end. I am sorry. How do you know about this? You wonder. Well you find out things that your mother did while she was alive a couple years later. Also you are not going to believe me but you and him sat down 7 years later and discussed what happened. It was a 3 hour conversation. But you both needed it. When that happened, beautiful things started to happen. That’s another letter for a different time
Tell mom thank you for putting you in therapy. You wouldn’t be here at 23 if you didn’t go. At times you felt like the cards were stacked against you and to this day you still feel like it. But some of those cards have not been stacked. Even the unspeakable things you’ve been through, you have been called strong and brave, but mostly sweet. To this day you still wonder why a lot of people called you sweet, and well you still don’t get it. Even though your reputation around the little town you grew up in is very poor, I don’t know how to say it’s poorly rated. Just a little secret between you and me, and we both know this kind of, with your friends now you will laugh about how skinny you were. Because well it wasn’t exactly your fault. It was your medicine, and then it’s kind of funny how people make fun of you for it, saying things that were not true at all.
The town you are growing up in, you need to cherish it. So do your parents. You go back on occasion, but every time you go back it feels less and less like home. The vibrancy of the little close knit town where you felt like home at one point is going to hell in a handbasket.
I wish you could save it if you had a political degree, but you don’t.
Or maybe that vibrancy isn’t there anymore because you’re growing up? You’re still growing up now. You’re going through your late emo phase. Except it’s sticking. You want to become a novelist. You have one currently in the works. Speaking of novels, you currently have a collection of books that totals up to 235. That includes your husband’s books, and that also beats mom’s stack of books before she died. Even though you would rather have it alphabetized than books everywhere. Let’s just say if the books are not on the shelf, you would have a breakdown.
Remember being in the thrift store all the time with mom and dad and they take forever? Yeah let’s just say you picked up that habit. But it’s good! It saves you money in the long run. Also you found love in upcycling. You wore your freshman homecoming dress to senior homecoming.
Junior year. It’s the talent show for Christmas at the school. You’ve chosen a perfect song for your talent. You were going to sing. This is one decision you regret to this day. You and your ex were fighting, and he was sitting in the front row. You told everyone you couldn’t do it. Even we are going to call them JL was like you can do this! But you didn’t. Sometimes in your adult life, you try to picture what it would be like if you didn’t say no. You could’ve won the prize money. Everyone told you, you could’ve. You could’ve won over his brother who played his guitar solo. By the way you keep on singing in your adult life.
Fast track to senior year, your life changes here. Just a few months before graduation and a couple weeks before her birthday. Your mom dies. You don’t talk about what happened unless someone is truly interested. You held your head high and confronted all the rumors about you during this time. You only cried for two weeks after mom passed. Also, your classmates somehow saw something in you. They felt bad after mom died and they gave you flowers.
Don’t let anyone tell you where to go to college. Also try to convince mom and dad to go on college visitations. Trust me you hate the school you got into. You wished that your family listened but their explanation is that your family needs you. Well to be honest they want control. It’s pretty sad. Trust me you never wanted to get your degree done so bad. But not from this school. You’re planning on mastering in architecture.
One more thing, spend time with Grandma Deb and Mills, they aren’t going to be around that long. You’ll have to miss Mills’ funeral due to work. At grandma’s funeral you will be told your the favorite grandchild even though you doubt that. But you miss grandma every single day.
Dear Little Me, I cannot stress it enough, but with all the stuff you have been put through. I want you to go chase your dreams. I want you to get every tattoo you ever wished for. (That’s for when you’re older you’re up 9.) Don’t care what anybody thinks about you. Just care enough for yourself to say this: I am determined. Because guess what if we didn’t have the determination, we wouldn’t be standing here today. Do things by yourself and don’t let anyone tell you no. You have learned that experiences are the best parts of life. So Dear Little Me, (say it with me, even though you don’t like group things like the happy birthday song) You’re going to be okay.
Love,
The person who writes letters to people she loves but not to herself.

P.s. Put on Brad Paisley’s “Letter to me” on repeat for me please.

This song goes out to my younger self
I made that little girl a lot of promises…

What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you the whole world.
I’m so sorry life turned out this way,
I know all you wanted was just to be okay.
What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you this whole world…

But I will avenge you.

A fallen angel and her reckless revenge,
I won’t forget you.
Actually, I mostly just respect you.
‘Cause even after everything you’ve been through,
After every mother fucker who thought that they could buy, sell, and spend you,
The worst were the ones that left you.
There were times you thought that it would end you.
But instead you,
Treated every day like it was brand new.
You just wanted to be important,
Someone people could be a friend to.
But people just take advantage
and pretend to.
Sometimes it’s better to walk away,
Tell em screw you.
Because one day they’ll all talk about how they knew you.
Believe me when I say boo…

I will avenge you.

To every fake friend that’s ever made me cry;
To every love that made me say goodbye;
Any of you who took the stars out of my skies:
You’ll have your own scars and regret leaving my life.
‘Cause all they do lately is clap for me!
I’ll never fall for another trap for me.
Getting inspired by the music it’s like they rap for me.
I’ve never felt more like a masterpiece…
Actually, I’m a prodigy,
I’m a shell shocker and they zap with me,
I get my revenge every time they clap for me!
So clap for me! 💣🎶
What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you the whole world…
I’m so sorry life can be this way,
But one day you’ll make everything okay.
What can I say? I’m sorry little girl,
I know that I promised you this whole world…

But I will avenge you.
I will avenge you.
I will avenge you.

I will avenge you.

Thankful for the times
I wanted to quit &
Never did.
Sometimes I felt mentally
Exhausted. Sometimes I had achs &
Pains, Other times I let
Anxiety push me
Away. Or i let the depression
Sink in, feeling tired and looking sick.
But the thought of giving up,
Only brought anger and disappointment.
So I’m writing this poem to give thanks
& I hope I inspire others to do the same.

Dear Younger Self,
I am truly proud of the woman I’ve become today because of you. It’s amazing to me how much pain and suffering you have endured for so many years and yet your still standing strong deep inside of me. The way you overcame so many obstacles and transcended all your struggles in life is truly unbelievable. The resilience you have is powerful. I absolutely admire how you’ve mastered the challenge of being PURE.
At the tender age of 6, you lost your innocence and was lead astray in the dark to a lifestyle that was taught to be “normal”. Deep down inside things just didn’t feel right. In your heart you felt something more..
As you went on in life, you always felt weird and alienated. Like you didn’t fit in or don’t belong, like something is wrong with you. You were manipulated, molested and abused by your own family but when you found out the truth, you choose to protect and hide the lies and deceit. Instead of crying for helping, you chose to love. Not knowing any better, you went your whole life experiencing heartbreak and betrayals because you always chose love.
Until one day, you were brave enough to look into the mirror and saw the dark reflections of anger, sorrow, resentments and depression. You saw the obsession of drugs and alcohol you used to hide the emotions and the truth. To hide the feelings of always wanting and needing to be touched, since that day you were first touched underneath your pretty yellow dress with daisies.
Every since that day of sexual abuse you chose to make every excuse to love pain, negativity and every toxic relationship called love.
Today I am proud of you because you chose love that is true. You chose you. You choose to SELF LOVE. Now you are my refugee, comfort and safety net because you chose to HEAL and FORGIVE. You chose to let apart of you die, purify and relive. Because of you I see clearly now there’s beauty in the darkness. You have always been a lover and a fighter but today you fight for self love, compassion and grace. All because I now understand that everything you went through back then allowed me to gain the courage to stop looking at myself as a victim and embrace the warrior spirit inside of me with love and light. To accept my destiny by playing the cards that was dealt to me. I admire your perseverance in giving up your power for the power of love. Using the power of love for the greater good. No matter what you go through you choose to look on the brighter side. You chose to be grateful for the storms.
You know that by playing the fool in the journey of life, using the magic of “inner child” and keeping your heart pure is the gateway to the kingdom of heaven.
I’m proud of you for being you. Today you are your true authentic self. Your purity of heart, mind, body and soul is the pure fool’s gold at the end of the rainbow. I commend you for fighting the good fight so that I can use my sword of truth. Today I protect you because you are innocent . You are my guiding light. You are so bright and I love you for giving me a new perspective and the ability to see the world with a fresh new pair of eyes with curiosity and wonderment. Your childlike faith, trust in the unknown and God’s protection is how I am able to feel the energy of the sun because you are hopeful and you believe. With you I imagine and dream, wishing upon the stars because I know anything is possible.
Today you are the co creator of your own destiny. You are receiving your justice from having the courage to change through healing and recovery. You live a fufilling and abundant spiritual life so happy, joyous and free.
I promise to continue to take care of you through therapy, sobriety and celibacy. I promise to keep fighting and conquering the challenges of purity. Thank you for helping me find my power. Thank you for setting me free.

Love,