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sheila submitted a contest entry to
Write a letter to your fear (Sponsored by ProWritingAid) 1 weeks, 4 days ago
Me Myself and I
Dear Samantha,
I remember the exact moment I gave up, and you were born. Realizing my children were essentially gone. He won. Confusion set in because I was holding up the agreement. Checking off everything asked of me. Hair follicles, monetary support, following guidelines of my supervision, staying consistent, yet I was unredeemable. Two people were both arrested and charged with possession. Both had the same circumstances. The only difference is I could not afford to pay a lawyer. I went to prison. He got probation. We both lost the rights to our children. His sister stepped up to adopt, agreeing with the reunification plan. However, with the finalization of their adoption, I am erased. Stonewalled and rejected.
Their father never lost access to our children. I was thankful that at least one of us could be in their lives. In the middle of all the destruction, they did not lose everything. Losing contact with them hurt me, but thinking of the pain they endured killed me. Their dad assured me he was correcting the lies his sister was telling them. I knew I would have to wait until they were old enough to present the truth and begin my new journey with them. My daughter delivered the actual truth once she was old enough. Convinced that I never tried to contact them and I gave them away. Essentially believing I didn’t want them, she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me.
Somewhere in the aftermath of my daughter’s hateful words, the lies, the pressure, and the void, my heart flatlined. Desperately wanting to disappear. How do I keep living when pieces of me are missing? Defeated by injustice, to cope with the pain, I created you and became numb.
A simple question brought awareness to you. Identity was born. Recognition developed your persona.
The agreement with myself made, I relinquish control.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Samantha!” you exclaimed.
I never corrected myself for the deception. My curiosity peaked. I wondered what you would do. The more he believed, the stronger you got. What a presence you are! Bigger than the area you occupy. Precise, direct, cold, and unattached. Enamored with you. Like the wind you blew in this time and offered immediate relief from my endless suffering. The more time marched on, the more you were around. In my imagination, I would converse with you. I even met you once in the astral realm. My Twin. Slightly different, but the same. Your essence drew me in. Hypnotic the way your eye danced. Your mission was to eliminate me. We lived inside a bottle just like a tiny sailboat. Dancing with the Devil. Seeking the Reaper. I was hopeless.
My core shakes at the thought of you becoming relevant again. I am petrified that one day I will not be strong enough. That the weight will become too heavy and smash me. When reality is anything but real, you are there with a plan for destruction. My dad could tame you when you pop in for visits. Friends and family knew I was you, and you were you because of me, but you were never me and I was always me. Some of my friends even played pretend with me while I was playing you. His sudden death in 2023 left me alone with you. The only thing I knew how to do was give in to you. Just stop fighting. That is what I did. In complete solitude, the job would be easy.
The deafening silence pushed me to the edge of existence, between memory and thought. Watching you search for the most effective tool to extinguish my spark. It almost looks like you are floating in these moments. So satisfied with your performance that you are even humming. I wonder if you realize this will be the annihilation of you too. Right then I doubted. Silently, I asked for help. The warmth from God’s love gently helped me off the floor. I have not seen you since that day. Eradicated by the grace of God and divine protection. Now you are a memory.
I rest in knowing that I will conquer all my enemies, even my greatest one, my mind. Peace comes over my spirit. In our destruction, we were reborn. Thank you for being cunning enough to save our life despite me. Forgiving myself sealed your defeat. Then I wondered if you would forgive me, too. For you, I am defeated and a memory too. Even though you are a split of me, you are still you. A part of me that is gone now. I love every inch of you, but I fear what you represent.
Why fear something that no longer exists? You disappeared with the acceptance of me. I disappeared with the acceptance of you. I am you. We are both healed.
Love,
Always in All Ways
Me Myself and I
SheilaStyle Score 100%
Voting starts April 9, 2025 11:59pm
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