My innocent smile of childhood
Is what I miss most from long gone
Days where naivety, fun fumbles, were good
For a laugh with family, friends, undone

By the simplicity of the life of a child
As you went about cheerfully hopping
From one daydream to another, a hidden bard, flipping,
Hiding in plain sight, forgiven for being a child.

Never let your smile drift into the sky,
Let it balance your mood, don’t brood.
As you smile, cheer will surround
Your every move as you inspire joy that’ll fly,

Flinging your dreams into reality
As your positivity you embraced,
Will endow you with being graced
By happiness, a comforting embrace.

©️Malak Kalmoni Chehab ©️

All you’ve ever wanted was to be understood
But the forces of evil and the forces of good
Were born within the people who claimed
“I love you”

Which wasn’t true,
Because to be loved isn’t to be used
Or be turned black and blue
Your skin doesn’t deserve a single bruise
Yet the lies that lied in the home you grew up in
Called you
“A punishment”

And it does hurt, doesn’t it?
When the ones you pray for at night
Laugh at your existence?
Your life feels like a curse
And it is,
Every second felt like a nightmare
And it was,
You continued to pray for a God up above
To save you from a horror show that some call
“life”

You don’t know which day it is
Unless it’s Sunday and Mom’s away
You call for her as if she is near
And the animals say
“Mom isn’t here”
And you want to go home
Yet the only home that you’ve ever known
Was a cage and the animals prod you with sticks
Ignorance truly is bliss
The realization that life shouldn’t be lived like this
Will hit you like a ton of bricks

The thing is-
Those animals don’t love you
All they do is to drain all the blood from your neck
And laugh while you scream,
And love when you’re weak,
And buying you scissors then cutting your wings-
You have potential that animals can’t see
They want to see your castle crumble
I know that it’s hard now
But you have a mind of titanium,
And the strength of a lion,
And the tongue of a nail that will lock his dark coffin-
And you’re not the problem,
Ellie, I love you and can’t thank you enough
For staying on earth
And not going home.

Little hands, little feet
So shy and quite, when you first meet
Big blue eyes, but behind them hid
Pain and fear, but we can open the lid
For the longest time stuffed down inside
Thats where endless cycles, of toxic behaviors reside

Just a little girl, but like a bull you were strong
Those who said different, they were wrong
You suffered through so much pain
Still ran outside to play in the rain
A little free spirit, connected to earth
Always a wild child, rebeling since birth

As everyone left you, by death, or by choice
Along the way, you lost you voice
You learned to suffer, by yourself, in silence
The amount of days, you daydreamed of violence
But you’ve always had you, you’ve always been there
You shouldn’t have had to be that strong, I know its not fair

I’m here with you, in the shadows now
I’m setting you free, I know how
I thought I was stuffing down all of the pain
But, it was the little girl, who danced in the rain
I stuffed you down, so I didn’t have to feel
Come out my darling, its time to heal

Is your willingness to love
Your wide-eyed mystical stare of all the wonders that bare
The soft, warm embrace from your innocence that escapes
Only you felt the comforts of the world with eager arms wide open, throwing yourself into the unknown
Allowing yourself to fall deep into the depths of it all
And although it gets cold
From time to time
I want to remember to hug that little part of mine
Because without that fearless truth
That life engulfed you with unconditional light
I’d battle these dark knights each night
And still bottomless, you push to resurface
Because it’s only you that could hold that part of mine
The ugly parts that forgot your wondrous eyes and the smiles wide
To abandon that life that was once mine
I’ll fight each day to regain it
For you.

I am my father’s daughter
To the girl whose daddy was her Superman without a cape
The girl who spoke with reckless abandon,
So strong and steadfast in her truth
Her mind, a reservoir
Her throat a cracked damn
Her lips chapped concrete
Spilling, overflowing, words dripping
Rushing, bursting at the seams
Getting swept up in the current
You know that feeling unloved is a thirst you feel in your bones
So you’ll let the water flow freely for others so they’ll never know the aching of going without
My dad taught me how to swim by tossing me in a motel swimming pool with no warning or explanation
My dad taught me about anger the same way; no warnings, no hesitation
My father, my family, passed down second-hand rage with the expectation of learning how to carry it the hard way
To the ghost of a little girl’s childhood past,
You’ll learn that your anger is self-love set on fire, and standing up for yourself requires burning people who try to get in your way
That the heat is just as cleansing as the water
That drowning in a saltwater sadness won’t prove your worth to the wrong people
And the flames will make you stronger if you let them
Being broken and down and built anew
There are so many versions of yourself you’ll get to fall in love with, over and over and over again
I loved you as a rebellious child
I loved you as an arrogant teen
I loved you as the uncertain woman in her 20s
I loved you as the mother with little to no support
I loved you as the addict without a place to call home
I loved you as the grief destroyed you
I loved you as I watched you rebuild again
I love the parts of you that you hate the most, and the best parts of you that you don’t even see
I’ve loved you in a million passing moments, and I’ll love you as a million more pass by again
The part that I love the most is finding the love that I’ve been searching for within myself
And knowing that I’ll always, always, always be enough
To keep myself afloat
To keep myself from drowning
To keep myself from bursting into flames

Hey you,

I’m almost certain that the memory of me has faded by now, but I often think of you and how your smile would light up a room full of shadows and anguish. I recall that if anyone could turn anything into an inquisition, it was you. With your coarse hair, knobby knees, and fire-filled personality, to me, the only thing that could stop you was God himself. The way your feet would pitter-patter down the street to hustle the neighbors for money so that you could buy a treat! But don’t worry, your entrepreneurial journey was only beginning, my friend.

Are we still friends? They say relationships are give and take, but while you gave, I turned my back and walked away.

I didn’t think I needed your lying tongue, naive antics, sad thoughts, and broken heart. It was all too much to carry, or so I thought. The part of you that I judged was exhausting, and life seemed to go on exceptionally well without me burdening myself with your pain. However, I write this letter not to condemn you but to beg for your forgiveness. This vain, shallow heart didn’t realize that the parts of you were where I drew my strength.

I am sorry I never told you that I love you. That your laugh reminds me of Bob the Builder and your fierce sense of justice is my moral compass. That your inability to be a “yes man” was my only protection. I am sorry that I took your heart for granted. Your ability to forgive is unmatched, and your view of love is out of this world. Your family and friends viewed you as unstoppable, while I viewed you as a liability.

I am sorry that it took me so long to realize your worth. You are perfectly imperfect in my eyes. I don’t expect you to welcome me back with open arms, but I am committed to mending our relationship because you were the best part of my life.

Love,
You