Hello World, did you know Love is sacrifice?,

Fifteen, alone, afraid you’re going to break.

Love is Sacrifice.

Car seats, Diapers, formula too, these holey shoes are great!

Love is Sacrifice.

Rent’s due, school supplies ooph, “oh man, you haven’t ate!”

Love is Sacrifice.

Swing shifts, softball games, there’s no time for that break.

Love is Sacrifice.

Flat tire, prom dress, no money left to cover these greys.

Love is Sacrifice.

College Fees, battered knees, she’s going to do something great!

Love is Sacrifice.

Boquet’s thrown, back alone, man, it’s getting late.

Love is Sacrifice.

She’s back at home, the time has come, a truth she must relate.

Love is Sacrifice.

He’s on the throne, you’re not alone, Mom it wasn’t fate.
He gave his son, for you and I, Grab on and don’t be late.

Love is Sacrifice.

Because of your prayers, I’ll meet you there and boy won’t that be great.

Love is Sacrifice.

Let go Mom, the Lord has won, go into heaven’s gates.
Thank you, God, for your son, who died and made a way.

Love is Sacrifice.

Here is a message I would face death for-
If I could deliver it to an open-minded world.
Whereas Christ came to save sinners like me,
Of whom I beg to differ-that myself is the chief.
Four times Gospel=Good News
A spiritual hospital for souls with the blues!
Exciting, Vibrant, Exploding Truth for you…
No matter who you are-it applies to you!
He tells us how to be safe, to be free!
Jesus’ own words, “Come follow me”.
heavy loads made light-shining in the dark of night,
He has the same path for all-come to His Grace for Life!
Telling Perfect Truth from beginning to end,
Though there’s no such with Him-He is eternal Friend!
Let Him, let Him, let Him
Remove doubt, strife, and fear of things-
With Him you can/will be happy to win,
Watch Him fulfill your every dream!
May take some time-Relationships grow,
He (Jesus) is the Perfect One to know!
And knowing Him is Perfect Peace,
Not knowing Him is no Peace at all-
Because He is the Prince of Peace to all!
Never can any take His place-
Come for Salvation, where all our wrongs are erased!
…Yes-Jesus saves!
I’ve learned a 45 year lesson,
At Camp Neosa as a kid,
But I was a mad kid-
I’ll bury my treasure in the ground, said I…
Could not this message that I hid-even give a try?
It is Perfect-will not trespass any,
And those who find it are not many.
So share we will-the Living Water spill…
Into the souls-so thirsty drought-
Sharing saving faith-to receptive hearts on route!

Then never can the dark prevail!

God Bless you!!!

9-3-24

Dear World,

The doctor told me to slow down some
So I listened to his orders, and, begrudgingly, agreed with him

He said right now my time is short
And only had bad things to report

So I decided to reflect,
What’s most important, but a life with no regrets

Hence, I picked up the phone
Planned a party for all those I’ve loved and known

Gathered up the flowers I once took for granted
Put together a lovely bouquet and called it enchanted

Walked outside to feel the morning breeze and midnight air
Closed my eyes and allowed it to perfume my hair

Danced in the rain with or without music
Played my own melody on imaginary acoustics

Even the former words unspoken and the sentiments untold
I now share them boldly, I no longer withhold

Because time is of the essence
And I count it all as blessing

You see, life has taught me these lessons
Do with them as you please for they are merely my suggestions

Dear world, I’ve had to slow down some
Took the doctor’s orders and, thankfully, agreed with him

Subtitle: Somebody Loves You Baby 💙 ✨

If I had to pick one thing I’d want the whole world to know — above all else — what would it be ?

That — Somebody loves you baby—
So please believe —

That when you look around — you’ll be able to see

That — that somebody — can be found — in many forms, shapes & sizes

That — He Is — not limited — to the only world — you & I both — reside in

Let me put it down for you — in the easiest way — that I know how

He comes in the shape of — a parent, a brother, or a sister

A nephew, a niece, your child, or a stranger

He comes in the shape of — a weeping willow tree
That some how — even with it’s sad — drooped down leaves — can manage to put ur heart at ease — as they sway back and forth in the breeze

Or even — when simply — standing still

He comes in the shape of that blue bird
Who reminds you — of ur loved one — who passed away last year

In the shape of those beautiful — white butterflies — flapping away — at the grave yard

In the shape of that — loyal golden doodle — you tend to feed — way too much

You can find him in the sunflower field — Late September

Or the beautiful sunset & sunrise — Come November

You can see him — in the waves of the ocean — as they roll & roar

As they come to say Hi — before they drift away — once more

I’d want you all to know — that somebody loves you more — than you could ever imagine

But pls — don’t try to fit him in a box — with it’s four corners & think that — that’s it — that’s him

He’s not limited to the highest iq
that can be reached inside our human minds — today

He knows every atom in our body —
The building blocks — from which were made of

We — on the other hand — on this side of heaven
Will never fully know — or understand Him

He’s all beautiful things we see
And — all beautiful things — unseen

He’s all the colors of the rainbow —
& all colors yet — to be named — or made up

He’s the beautifulest language — ever spoken
& All good words — we have yet — to add to our vocab

He’s the Beginning & The End
The Alpha & The Omega
The great I AM — Yah – Weh

He’s all things Great & all things Good

There’s a lot of things — I’d want the whole world to know —

— but if I had to narrow it down & put it down for you — in simplest form

I’d say— this —

The world is not Black & White
& neither — is HE

He’s the creator of the universe
& he loves both — you — & me

But if I must say — just — ONE — Only one —single thing — it’d be ….

Somebody Loves You Baby 💙✨
— please believe …

Death looms all around us
from our first moment of existence,
at life’s coalescence,
it shrouds our very essence,
like breath rides with the wind.
Eighteen funerals in a decade,
remembering those lost lives lived.
I find it ironic it’s called a wake,
since they’re never to awaken again.
Being Earth-side is hard and fleeting,
we’re all just trying to survive
until the day that every single one of us
will eventually, inevitably die.
Accidents and illness,
people vicious and malicious,
aging bodies growing old and weary,
with tired minds and over-worked spines,
usher infinite possible endings
to this time we’re merely renting
animating stories out of our control, really.
So we need to lead with love,
and remember to take care of one other.
A dollar, a meal, a blanket, a hug,
a conversation or sharing some of your luck,
these little considerations
have wide reverberations
that make us humans driven
towards connection and expansion,
a purpose forged in our blood.
It’s the humanity in humanity
that saves us from insanity
and provides direction on our journeys
as we crawl through life in a hurry,
wherein mortality we find unity,
walking each another home unjudged.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Trust not in where you are going but where you are in this moment.

Life is messy. Life is hard. It is embracing the moments in between. Peaks of sunshine in the shadows. Light and hope in the darkness.

We so easily try to reach for what is easy. What satisfies our cravings. Simple pleasures. An infinite, lasting amount of joy that cannot be taken away.

But sadly, it can in a moment.

Through loss and grief I have learned that life is so much more than living for the mundane or seeking something temporary to satisfy my soul.

I lost my husband in February of 2020, prior to Covid when he passed from melanoma. From diagnosis to when he passed was a blur of three months. He had been sick for a few months prior with no answers and when we got it, it slapped us in the face.

But every day I looked into his eyes and into my children’s eyes and knew that it was in those eyes I would find the reason to breathe. And to keep going.

In the space that followed his death I went through the motions of life. Barely connecting the dots. But I knew that life wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my loss. It wasn’t about my grief that weighed me down like a thick, heavy blanket after my two young daughters went to sleep each night.

Life was and still is about the moments in between the heavy. It was about the laughter my girls brought me each and every day. It was about the neighbors and friends who showed up for me when I could barely keep myself and my children alive when the world was shrouded in fear of a virus.

It was about long walks and rays of sunshine and music playing and birds singing even when I felt the storm clouds inside.

It was and still is about simple prayers and so much grace for myself from a loving creator who gives me a quiet strength each and every day.

It is about trusting in who I am and where I am made to be. It is about knowing we cannot plan for circumstances and that life rarely turns out the way we expect it to.

But even when we find ourselves buried under the weight of it all, that doesn’t mean we can’t find hope in the very moment we are afraid of. There is beauty if we open our eyes and our hearts to it, but we have to let it in.

Since 2020, I have found more hope than I ever thought possible. The biggest lesson I have learned in this life is to not give up when it gets hard, but to lean into the mess. To know that even the biggest challenges we face are temporary. It is so easy to let our circumstances weigh us down or stress us out. Even when I haven’t seen the way out, I have known to trust in someone so much greater than myself. I have known that I am made for and worthy of beautiful things.

When we trust in where we are, when we open our eyes and our hearts to hope, it is easier to see the gifts that surround us. The light and beauty offered through grace even when the journey is hard.

So let go, my friend. Lean in. See the beauty that surrounds you. You’ve got this.

Remember change is necessary for growth
It can rain all day but prone to flower’s survival
The heat of the sun will come again
And the rain will have already sucked in
More buds
More roots will spread again to make something even more beautiful
Trees die but new ones are planted
You can put your seed in whatever is necessary and good for you
And if not, you can pick it up and plant it elsewhere
Make a new, cozy home for it
Protecting it at all costs
Living with the peace
Focusing on the good
Releasing the bad
Don’t let bad roots stay intertwined in your mind
Release them, cut them, do whatever you need to do
Otherwise you will stay stuck and broken
Clouding what is the greatness of life

an ant would crawl on my desk
tempted by fate to seek food
and with a few crumbs in view
it scurries on with finesse

the ant would wonder and ponder
what to do and how to go about
bringing home this tasty treat
to share with those without

there are many ways to take
and several paths to avoid
such as the old spider’s lair
lurking around the corner

despite the ant’s careful planning
it remained unaware of my presence
and with a swift pressure of my thumb
it was relieved of it’s existence

the ant was sad for it tried it’s best
yet no amount of planning would help
for there are always higher forces
who are on a much different quest

Suppressed inconsistencies. Unmatched premonition of self loathing and overwhelming destress. Patience steers the wheel of evolution and science fiction. Within belief I’m stricken. Pulsating convictions with immediate results. Camera shy actions of an insult. Take in criticism like a daily vitamin, with self love as your kryptonite and effective communication as a weapon of might, so use it wisely knowing that patience is working in your favor and is usually reciprocated, allowing for forgiveness which frees you from the intercepting vengeance of bondage, while building character, for joy should be effortless, so don’t just exist, live. 🫶🏿

In January 2022, I turned 40 years old. After a yearly checkup, my
primary care physician asked me to go for my first yearly mammogram. I
made the appointment but due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable
to make that appointment. I then prolonged the appointment for as long as I
could, as I had heard many stories about it being painful and uncomfortable,
so I waited it out. In August 2022, I drew up the courage to finally go. It
wasn’t as terrible as I expected, and the staff was great. About 2 weeks
later, I received a call explaining they found a mass and they wanted to have
more images taken and an ultrasound done on my right breast.

The week after, I went in for the appointment and they discovered
calcifications after several images. They explained I needed a biopsy to
ensure it was not cancer. They explained normally since this is the first scan
and have nothing else to go by, there was nothing to worry about. A few
days later, I went in for a biopsy. Once I was done, the nurses at the facility
explained that my primary care physician would call me to come in for the
results, whether they were good or bad. I received a call the next day asking
me to come in the next day. When I got there, I went into the room with my
head high thinking, “I’m only 40. I’m too young to get this. Everything will be
fine.” When I went back, my doctor came into my room and asked if I knew
why I was there. I nodded. She had given me the worse news I had ever
received. The biopsy came back that I had DCIS or Stage 0 Breast Cancer. I
was devastated. I had 3 children and was a single mom. I was shocked about
the news and broke down crying in the room with my doctor. She hugged
me and gave me hope and a book explaining what breast cancer is and
exactly what I was to expect. I left there and didn’t know what to do or who
to call. I called my sister and cried with her on the phone on my way back
home.

When I got home, my children were all there and saw that I had been
crying. I couldn’t even look at them. I ran upstairs to my bathroom and
locked the door until I had the courage to come out with a clean face. When
I went back down, I asked my children to sit together so I could speak with
them. My youngest sat next to me while my other two children sat across
from me. I explained my situation and my oldest son (12 years old at the
time) began crying and asked if I was going to die. I hugged him and
immediately told him I was going to be fine. I explained that I needed
surgery to take out the cells and it would be a process going forward. I
showed the children the book that I was given and explained to them what
was expected to happen. They calmed down.

When I went to the oncologist shortly after, she explained how
important it is to keep up with yearly mammograms. She said if I had waited
any longer, the cancer could have been worse and/or spread. At this point, I
am glad that I did not wait any longer to have it checked. On October 21 st ,
2022, I had a lumpectomy of my right breast to remove the calcifications
and have been cancer free since. After the surgery, I was tested to see if I
needed chemotherapy and/or radiation. After they tested the cells, the
radiologist came back with wonderful news. The cells came back that I only
had a 7% chance of the cancer returning with or without radiation or chemo,
so she stated I did not need either

My message to the world is to keep up with your appointments and
your health. Ladies, please do not wait to get a mammogram. You may not
feel any lumps or have any issues currently, but it can still be there.
Gentlemen, please ensure your sisters, wives, girlfriends, and any other
woman in your life, goes to see their doctor to be screened. It can be a
matter of life and death.

I was born three months early to a drug addicted mother. My foster parents, who became my adoptive parents, showed me all the tender love and care I needed to help me get healthy. They kept me from meeting a fate of becoming a vegetable or dying, both of which the doctor said were my only two options in life.

While I appreciate their many sacrifices, I know that what you do for someone does not make up for what you do TO them. I experienced nearly every form of trauma in my life as I got older. I also witnessed a great of trauma.

All of that to say, I became an extremely miserable person. I was constantly depressed, I suffered from an eating disorder, (trigger warning) and even engaged in self-injurious behavior.

I recall praying to God to be someone else, whether it was a schoolmate with whom I was enamored, or a member of my favorite girl group. I was so disappointed to wake up as “just me.” I recall thinking God had let me down, allowing me to be abused in the womb, and “rescued” by a family that would later disappoint and harm me, while on the outside we seemed like a happy family.

One day, God did make me someone else; but, it was not in the way I had hoped. Through allowing positive individuals to speak hope and encouragement into my life, and shifting my perspective, I realized that I could not change the hand that I was dealt; but, it was up to me whether or not I would wallow in self-pity or use my story to inspire others.
I realized I could seek to live a life of success and happiness, as opposed to being a victim of my circumstances.

Therefore, I decided to learn how to become my own friend, rather than own worst enemy. I learned to express gratitude; and, rather than see difficulties as confirmation of my lack of favor with God, they became opportunities to learn, to grow, and to inspire those that cross my path.

Professionally, I became a mental health therapist. Personally, I learned to be more compassionate, as well as someone who can make others laugh, not just someone who always complained and sought sympathy.

Want me to prove it? *Ahem* Why did they make Finding Dory? I’d say it’s because if Nemo kept getting lost, they’d have to call CPS. Actually, Sea PS.

(Admit it, you smiled) Being able to use humor to cope, and mustering up the courage to fight against my insecurities to start my modeling career in 2021, does not mean I do not shed tears and experience physical and emotional pain.

I’ve learned what I wish everyone could learn early in life, which is that you may have your problems; however, your problems don’t have to have nor define you. Whether you experienced bad womb service, abuse, poverty, you name it, tragic beginnings do not mean you cannot choose to create a triumphant trajectory in life. I say create intentionally because I also realized I could wish upon stars and pray all day long, (I swear my guardian angel must be exhausted). However, it is up to me to actively form meaningful connections, pursue the opportunities I desire, and choose to give myself that glimmer of hope through a favorite song, a walk, or whatever my soul craves during the darkest moments.

Dear Unsealers,

Before you decide death is the solution to relieving your depression-move to that new town you always dreamed of living in. Separate yourself from the traumatic memories that were created in your current home. Take your child or your best friend on that road trip you put on your bucket list when you were ten years old. Apply for your passport and plan your trip to that country you always wanted to vacation to. Leave that one sided friendship. Create an exit plan for your toxic relationship.

 When I was laying on what I intended to be my deathbed, I replayed all the moments in my head that led me to my decision to end my life. I thought about my friendship with my sweet, beautiful nana. She gave me my first journal, she taught me how to cook, and she introduced me to arts and crafts. She simply talked to me. She was the only one who truly made me feel heard. However, our time together was cut short when she was diagnosed with liver cancer. She passed away a couple months after her diagnosis-two days before my fifteenth birthday. I thought about the first time I ever cut myself. Once again, I got into a heated argument with a few of my family members. My back was against the wall. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was rapidly racing and I was sweating profusely. I went into my bathroom, grabbed my razor and shaved and shaved and shaved until the top layer of my wrist turned red.

I thought about the violence that was normalized within my family. I was told stories about how one of my family members was arrested for drugs and assault and how this person constantly beat up his partner. Unfortunately, I got to witness this violence in person when one of my family members was attacked. I watched from the crack in my room door as their boyfriend slapped them and made them cry. However, that wasn’t the last time we saw him. My family member ended up marrying him.
 

I thought about the people in my life who weren’t there consistently when I was growing up-when I needed them the most. This normalized inconsistency in my relationships. I didn’t date a lot of people, but the people I did date, treated my life like a revolving door-coming in and out as they pleased-and I let them.

I thought about my very first abusive relationship. For an entire decade, my ex sexually assaulted me, manipulated me into going back to him when he felt me trying to move on, argued with me from sundown to sunrise and, at times, physically assaulted me from sundown to sunrise. He would hit me in places no one would notice like my arms and thighs. I started to hit him back, but that just made him angrier because he wanted the last hit.

I thought about the people that I dated after him. Instead of healing, I jumped into another situationship that left me heartbroken. I tricked myself into believing that he was good for me just because he wasn’t physically assaulting me. This cycle continued of me dating the same men in different bodies until I met my second abusive ex that ended up being the boiling point to me wanting to end my life.

I thought about how I should have been sent to therapy when my depression first started in middle school. Had I gotten help earlier in life for my trauma, the likelihood of me trying to end my life would have greatly decreased. However, my community and family did not believe in therapy. They had it ingrained in my head that therapy was only for “crazy people.” I thought about how my family and friends would feel hearing the news, but I just wanted the pain to end.

So here’s a thought- instead of ending your life- end that toxic relationship. Instead of ending your life- end the negative stigma surrounding mental health. Instead of ending your life-remove the people and things in your life that bring you pain or add to your pain. From someone who tried ending there’s-I am glad that I wasn’t successful. I get to try one more time. I get to try one more day. I learned to find joy in removal before removing myself from this life.

My Dear Handsome Husband,

I have a confession to make. One that I cannot even accept as true!
Do you know I’m cheating on you? Do you know you’re cheating on me? I know for a fact we’re cheating on each other. Do you? I know you are cheating on me. I’m not sure if you know I am cheating on you! How ‘bout them apples?
To be together 37 years and to realize now, at this stage of our lives, there’s cheating going on simply baffles my mind and my heart. I keep telling myself it isn’t true! It’s impossible! Us? NEVER in a million years! It just cannot be true!
How can we still be so deeply in love with each other and have this happen? I know I still love and adore you with all my heart and want nothing but happiness for you. I believe you feel the same for me.
Yet, here we are in the thick of it, not knowing what to do, where to turn, what to say, how to fix it. Obviously, we’ve been broken for a while. We really don’t talk as much as we used to. We don’t share too much of anything anymore with each other. I feel so alone. I know you do to. When did we and our communication break down?
I’m not sure when you started cheating. And, here I go. I started cheating on you within this past year (or two). Why? Because you became distant, quiet and kept your feelings in – as did I. We’re the couple that can’t keep their mouths shut and we chatter it up with each other all the time. The quiet is so deafening loud inside. It’s so weird not talking like we used to hence, we are cheating cheaters.
Ok, without stalling any longer, I wholeheartedly own I have cheated on you. I’m cheating you out of the life you want and deserve. How? I feel you would not have the problems, the stressors and the thoughts you have each and every day. It’s true. You would be free to do as you want when you want and not worry about all the things you worry about. You would deny this I’m sure.
You are cheating on me, out of my hopes and dreams that comes with tears almost every day. I may cry for five seconds, five minutes. It doesn’t matter. The tears fall. The breathing gets tougher. The suffocation lingers throughout the day, every day. I try hard to be upbeat, positive, and helpful. I can’t stand feeling I’ve let you down but honestly, I’m gotten real exhausted acting like everything is okay when it’s not. I am tapped out.
When we come right down to it, we are cheating ourselves, and on each other, out of the life we talked about years, YEARS ago. This life right now isn’t what either one of us wants but, my love, this is it. You know it as much as I do. I don’t know if it’s too late to salvage us.
I’m willing to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. The rest of our days cannot continue this way. It isn’t a life anymore. I believe, with our hearts, our love and commitment to each other we can stop, take a few deep breaths and rewrite our story. We can reach a place where our hopes and dreams we had can come true. At least some of them. We deserve this for each other. We’re better than this. Please, let’s not waste any more time. Life is too short and we are in the fourth quarter of our lives. I hope you agree and want to jump into a new chapter with me. We’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain for the rest of our days. It’s time. IT’S OUR TIME!
If there’s a funny part to all of this, it’s the whole cheating on each other. It makes me kind of smirk a smile because we’ve never cheated on each other with another person and when the words cheat, cheating, cheated is brought up, nine out of ten times it’s automatically assumed it has to do with another person.
Well, my hubby, let’s do this! We’ve got each other and have what it takes to do this and I, for one, am 100 percent in! Thirty-seven years is a lot of love and what do we always say? “No matter what, LOVE ALWAYS WINS!”

LYMA (Love You More Always!),
Your Dear Wonderful Wife
xoxo