Through the Kaleidoscope

A tender breeze,
like tendrils of hair
softened by caring hands,
dances playfully along your skin,
warmed by the sun’s golden smile.
It brushes your lashes,
curling gently skyward,
as your eyes lift to be greeted
by brilliant larimar skies.
Refractions of light dance
from your iris,
fanning in and out to soak up
as much vibrancy as their threads will allow.

Every touch is an embrace,
every sight a vision,
and every birdsong a symphony –
designed for the delight of your
tender fingers,
wide eyes,
and tiny ears.

Hello there, it’s been a minute you see.
You seen me give up on you within, when I should’ve called upon you.
To the way that you threw caution to the wind when it was something fun for you to do.
No worries, just want to know what we can do next.
Back when I didn’t care if I was annoying or a pest.
Because to be honest? Who cares? Cause I thought I was the best.
Although it may not have been true, you couldn’t tell that to me
Because I have the proof that would bring you to your knees.
Oh man, but don’t mention that to those trees, the ones that I would climb but ultimately, bring me to my knees.
Jumping out of the swings mid air just to catch that wave of adrenaline.
To toast the crunch with the cinnamon; was the best way to start the day
Then just go outside and find some play
Maybe see some of my friends in the day
Playing outside while gun shots can ring out at any moment.
Didn’t phase me one bit, until the house got hit.
Seeing the visual of what the bullet did to the window
And how it didn’t hit anyone home was a miracle.
But you still went out to play the next day.
Still ready to have a great day.
Oh little one, can you show your face to me again?
The world has shown me those scary truths you wanted to know about
Now I wish I didn’t
Because now I can’t readily access you
But I can promise, that I will try my best to come back to you.

Optimism crushed under the weight
Of life’s injustices and lies
Childlike wonder suffocates
As the world-weary soul grows wise
A tender heart turned to stone
By the world’s disapproving eyes
The inner child barely hanging on
But kindness never dies

The authentic self bound in chains,
Beaten, berated until it complies
All quirks and flaws met with disdain
Hidden under a respectable disguise
The voice of reason utters its last sound
In weak, despairing cries
The inner child broken down
But kindness never dies

Morphed and molded to society’s rules
Into something I don’t recognize
Pressured to become callous and cruel
The inner child’s inner voice defies
One childlike trait persists
Like phoenixes from ash rise
The inner child still exists
Because kindness never dies

It’s in the wind
the wildly abrupt
breaks the glass of your window
but leaves you untouched…
Except for the sound
as your chest pounds and caves
now sleeping with the echo
of the wind that made you brave.

It’s in the song
the one on repeat
memorizing notes and lyrics
caressing feelings underneath.
Behind your quiet cloak
You wore for your small world…
a volume knob on a stereo taught you how to be heard.

Pens, paint, and crayons
always in your hand
recreating what you dreamt
what you didn’t understand
With emotions hard to handle
and thoughts you can not hold
the pens, paint, and crayons
gave permission to be bold.

It’s in the flower
the first wild growth
when the snow became the meadow
and you began to roam.
The flower showed such patience
only growing if untouched…
Except by the same wind
that taught us both so much.

I Remember when your dad
Used to dress you up in the American flag
You don’t know it yet,
But you’ll still do that when you’re older
I love all your silent prayers,
How you always knew God had His angels there
And when you were sad
You let your tears land on His shoulder
I admire your undying faith
The faith that everything will always be Ok
“There’s no other option,”
You still say that to this day
And I’ve tried to resurrect your simple ways
How faith in times of trial made you brave
And pen and paper became your saving grace
Hidden in a drawer,
The words you couldn’t say
As you laid your spirit out on a page
And we’re still doing it today

You’re the flowers that grow and the water that feeds them.
You’re a breath of fresh air, never deceiving.
You speak your mind freely, unafraid of judgments.
You’re authentic and your love is abundant.
You’re always around, the reason I’m sane.
You’re a protector, you heal me from pain.
You’re strong and courageous, you stand for truth.
You’re wise and mature even though you’re my youth.

Dear Little me,

If you asked yourself what you love most about yourself, you’d have to search long and far for the answers and I’m afraid you may not ever find an answer. So instead I’ll ask the me today, what do I love most about you- I love how resilient you are. Your ability to keep living through the darkest times of your life. You were unseen and in the shadows, but you still showed up despite the overshadow. You seemed to have always known deep within that something would eventually change. Although minute after minute, day after day, month after month, year after year that shadow just appeared to get darker and darker. I love that you always had a voice and used it. That voice- it might’ve been snobby. In fact, the label you obtained along the way and eventually decided to own- ‘miss attitude’ was accurate, you had every reason to be exactly who you were. You used your voice the best way you knew how. I love that you found an outlet in writing, although along the way you lost your light due to extreme darkness. Writing is how I found my way back to you so trust me when I say that too is ok. The absence just made your heart grow fonder. I love that although you missed your daddy, you always had a deep knowing that one day you’d meet him again and that everything would eventually be ok. You subconsciously knew this, how did you know is still a tale to be told- BUT I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU. I love how you love despite your pains, you fought to stay alive even in the moments you thought everyone would be better off without you. You fought the inner dialogue of negative thoughts that played in your mind like a playlist of your favorite songs. You still fought. You fought through being silent about being sexually abused in your most innocent years of life. You were 5 years old babydoll, how did you carry that for 20 years alone? You have no idea how proud of you I am because you not only fought that tough battle girl, you’re a heavy-weight champ. One day you have to tell the world how you made it through that battle alive. Your resilience is unbelievable, indescribable, untouchable, and most of all admirable. I’m proud of you for fighting through because just like you needed me, I needed you. I’ve only become who I am today because of you Karyll. Because of you, I am strong. I am resilient. I’m untouchable. Because of you, I believe in myself without the need for external validation. It’s actually because of you that I know what true unconditional love feels like. Because of you, I am the woman who would hold you so tight and never let you go. I’ve become that woman that would have protected you. I’ve become that woman who would be able to see you and hear your silence. I’ve become that woman who could love you despite your attitude. I became the woman who could love you- despite the dark grey clouds that created the darkest shadows over what should have been your most innocent years. Because of you, I am ‘really Karyll’. I thank you in ways that this lifetime could not extend to. I love you. I’m proud of you. You are beautiful. I love and adore your entire existence. Thank you for never giving up on us.

– Sincerely, Really Karyll

My heart feels the cusp of what simply was
Simple – that’s what it was.
The days were gone like the wind as soon as my body counted to 12.
Those memories of being young are so deeply sewn into my back pocket.
A little boy who saw the world for what it was.
A vast ocean of dreams.
Inheriting wide, wild eyes; a simple yet regal gift for the tactful of heart.
My kaleidoscope of essence shows a bright path of shapes full of color and endless possibilities.
Dancing to Music and living like Movies.
Creating scripts and sub plots to fight the urge to be mundane.
Imagination can be a seamless experience.
A tool given to those who really need it.
To think my biggest feat is by design a child’s invention- my inner child’s invention.
A world brought together through an adolescent’s view of a lifeless world.
Who am I if not the director of my own life?
My inner child creates the stroll to the coffee shop into a whimsical paradigm that enchants your every step as you progress closer to buying your gift wrapped coffee with cream and two sugars.
It’s a difference of mind over matter.
Life is worth living when your inner child makes beauty of madness.
To my younger self it was never about getting over the shadows of the world but rather learning to live with those shadows and see light intertwined in the chaos.
The idiosyncratic nature of the world.

To my inner child
Look at you so headstrong, gentle, and just a little wild
Your love is both deep and wise beyond years
Matched with passion of the firebrand and chaos of electric storms
This world tried to twist you and break your heart
Yet never did you strike back with hate or malicious intent even when falling apart.
Ever as the life tree in a storm your limbs bent but never broke entire
When the storms came, and break was expected, in resilience our girl became a phoenix a fire.
Burned her forest glen to ash as she sits amidst the devastation
The inner child looks about with magic in her eyes
Low and behold new growth she spies…
Then guides my hand to a seedling amidst the ash
As she giggles and whispers in answer to the question unsaid “help it grow”

Dearest part of me, Little Bee
Always buzz buzz buzzing free
So happy and willing to be seen
Contrast to this self-effacing she
Where I breathe weak
Your bravery roots deep
Down to the depths of our trauma
Remaining after all these days
The Flora to my Fauna
You’ve had to be our Mama
In so many different ways
And carry us through difficulty
While loving unconditionally
Dancing boldly to wind’s song
Even when I have cold feet
You’re strong like an old tree
Gently swaying me along
Or sheltering when I retreat
You taught us to hope and dream
With the joy of playing dress-up
Our closet overgrown with good luck
Everyday still buds a new costume
You are my soul in full bloom
Forever young but older and wise
Growing together side by side
Branching us out with you our guide
Undoubtedly Love you’ll always be
The single greatest part of me