It’s been two months since you passed away. I still can’t comprehend it. I’m still grieving and healing, and it’s hard because I still expect you to come into my room and wake me up with your head bumps. I still hear you saying “ma” instead of “meow,” and I remember how you would always try to steal food when I or your grandma started eating. I miss every part of you. You helped me through so much – depression, and anxiety, and you taught me how to be gentle and care for another, even if it has four legs. You taught me responsibility, and I know you were happy in the end. I miss you so much, to the point where I wouldn’t stop crying for missing you.
I believe you’re up in heaven looking down at me, and asking God for a sign, I received one. On June 7th, 2024, I saw a cloud shaped like a black cat, which made me and grandma cry. We believe that even though you’re not physically here, mentally and emotionally, you are. Then, I asked for another sign, and once again I got it. When my coworker heard about my cat’s passing, she offered me a cat for adoption. I immediately said yes because of the sign of the black cat cloud. The next day, my coworker mentioned adopting a black cat, and then my boyfriend found a purple ball with a black cat on it. I felt like my Mitsu was sending me signs. After all that, in three days, I got sign after sign about a black cat and decided I wanted another cat. My coworker and I went to get the cat, but she wasn’t there as she was a stray. However, we later found four black kittens near a school and managed to catch one of them. After treating and cleaning the kitten, I welcomed it into my home. This whole experience led me to find another baby boy in honor of my Mitsu.

dear grampie,
i saw you again
in my dream last night
you were almost like i remember you
spirits high
body just trying to keep up

i got the lighting just right
to take a picture of you
capture the moment in my memories
with your big smile
eating a juicy steak

i forgot you aren’t here anymore
woke up with a question to ask you
as i wrote it down
i remembered
you’re not here anymore

i remember what you told me the last time we saw each other
follow your passion
you’ll make it work
love matters most

June 27, 2024

Dearest Great Aunt Dinah,

How I shall miss you, though even so you & I were not as close, as I was with my late Great Grandma Ruth, your little sister. There was still something about you that I cherished that connected, based on her. Impartial to Grandma Ruth, you were a woman of integrity, just like her, you had a smile that could light up the world. Furthermore, fair-minded to Grandma Ruth, you were always happy & excited whenever you spotted your kids, grandkids, and niblings of all ages. You were especially thrilled to see me, whenever I was showing up occasionally, to New Bethel Baptist Church for church services.

Surplus, beyond a doubt you were proud of the times I had helped, at our church for the community involving the children. It was much more fun learning about God and the bible when I could move around and be productive in the matter. I will also never forget when you were proud and ecstatic for the tributing poem I had written and read aloud in memorial honor to your sister Ruth Bell (My Grandma Ruth). You loved the poem so much, that you had begged me to make a copy for you to have as a keepsake. Believe me, I had great intentions on granting your request, yet alas things had begun to get busy by that time. I was a year and a half away from graduating high school, not to mention despite bidding my farewells to Grandma Ruth, moving on without her was not at all easy.

Even today, after it has been ten ½ years, without my devoted Great Nana, the pain still remains inside. It is only because of God & my faithfulness, that He helped me gain through you, Grandma Ruth & even viable Grandma Cookie (Virginia) that I am bearing with this silent suffering, as I continue to move on in life. Thus, throughout our times together, you were well-nigh as the duchess of our church, New Bethel Baptist. Linked to your late husband & living son being the pastors & reverends of our prime house of prayer. You and many others of New Bethel (family or not) inspired me to be proud of who I am, and to love myself as much as the Lord has loved me. Loved me, enough to create me and save me from my sins and temptations of the world.

Finally, I say with a heavier heart, but strong serenity, not goodbye, but catch you later Aunt Dinah. In conclusion, how I thank the Lord for allowing you to be with us on the face of the earth for 100 yrs. What’s more, how my heart soars with happiness knowing that you are no longer suffering, you were blessed to take your final breath in peace, and you are finally reunited with your sister, plus many others you were most likely mourning, too.

See you soon, Aunt Dinah. Good-byes are not forever.
Sincerely,
Your great niece, Simone.

Dear Buddha,

I love you, and I miss you.

You were the face of the family, the heart and soul of our home. I like to think I said all I could to you in life, but continue to do so in my prayers. Even if you couldn’t understand my words, I know you understood my love.

Everyone who met you was infatuated with you. Not a dog on the planet looked much like you, my favorite ewok. You were one of a kind, a freak of nature, and that’s why you were the perfect fit to join our household.

You taught my siblings and I responsibility and galvanized our dysfunctional house around you. I regret every complaint I ever made in regard to caring for you. I would take you on an endless walk if I could see you once more. I’d let you sniff every blade of grass, and piss on every feature in sight. I would take you to the woods and the beach and pick every tick out of your shaggy coat. I’d let you lick my arms until the hairs burned off from friction. I would never take a single moment for granted.

I’ll forever miss you being the first to greet me at the door, along with your sister. You always made coming home exciting, and few things made me feel more appreciated than waking up to you at the bottom of the stairs. Your fuzzy head was the first thing I’d touch every morning (if you were awake before Mila).

Bones and tennis balls were one thing for you, but those plastic bottles never stood a chance against your wrath. I thank God that I took so many pictures and videos of you, and yet it aches me now to see them pop up daily.

Buddha was a perfect name or you, chosen by those who introduced us to you. Every day before school I’d rub the belly of our little (actual) Buddha statue before rubbing yours. I made sure it was the last thing I did before I left, and would gladly miss the bus to make sure it happened.

Luckily, once I moved away, I spent every visit home as if it could be the last time I saw you. That is the only thing that staves off any sense of unredeemable regret. And yet, there was no preparing for this.
My heart is shattered. I’ve never had to grieve this much, and I’m thankful for that, but the tears fall in gallons when I think about you. I was crying on my walks, crying in the car, just trying to accept it. In time I hope to compose myself better.

Your passing has filled me with an intense ambition to live up to your memory, to live in honor of that which you provided for this family and beyond. It feels like the only response to your absence (and to those who passed before you). If a creature as beautiful and full of love as you could live and die in such a short time, and so selflessly, I could be doing a lot better with my years on this Earth. Until that ends, and we are reunited once more, I will refuse to be anything close to the loser I feel like I have been thus far. I’m sorry for any meaningful experiences we failed to give you.

I wanted to write a poem about you, and still may, but a letter feels more comprehensive in the first weeks since you left. I’m already working on a song. I have to get this out somewhere and fast. Soon I will dedicate a tattoo to you, as well, on the day of our brother’s engagement party.

Thank you for everything, Buddha. Thank you for your life. Thank you for brightening mine, and those of all who were blessed to meet you. I will think of you always. We’ll continue to chase Mila around for you.

Love, your (favorite) brother. Ha.

My Heart
By. A.E. Colin

December embers burn
My heart yearns
You are everywhere I see
Everywhere but with me
I lay in bed
With these thoughts in my head
The memories of you and me
They are all I have and all I can see
Drowning in my sorrow
Craving for a new tomorrow
A piece of me left with you
I do not know what to do
I press on
With your voice as my song
I gain my strength trying to make it through
Because I want to do it for you
My angel in the sky
Fly high

A simple nickname that holds so much meaning
Being caring, kind-hearted, and petite too
A delicate moment or memory
I didn’t know how much they would mean
Until all those moments became nothing but a memory
Sweetpea, a nickname from when I was a baby
A cartoon character baby from Popeye
That’s the nickname you chose for me
Because I reminded you of that character
Soft skin, sweet smile, and tiny as can be
Memories of our conversations play constantly on my mind
Not being able to be face-to-face
Or hear you say you love me and how proud you are of me
Godmom, I wish you didn’t have to leave this world so soon
But I know that God had called you home
I wish you didn’t get sick and fight for years
Constant treatment that took a toll on you
Still called me sweetpea at your worst moments
You couldn’t sing as it was your whole heart
Singing is where you belong, almost becoming a star
I can no longer hear your wonderful voice
Only now, old videos taken by my parents
I no longer can hear you call me sweetpea
It kills me so much, it hurts, and it will
You were my Godmom; we were very close
But through it all, you always reminded me
To be strong, live my dreams, not give up
You were a strong person with a good soul
Never gave up and kept pushing forward
Looking at the small things in life, always feeling thankful
Praying to God and Jesus for another day
That is how Godmom, you’ve inspired me
Your memory pushes me further each day
To live a happy life filled with love
And find and make my dreams come true
Your star song will be my forever song
Of the simple melody that plays in my head
Because it’ll make me think of you
And while Godmom, you’re now gone
Knowing you didn’t want to part this Earth
Without me, my mom, or the family
You’ll forever live in my heart
As an inspiration, strong, beautiful, gifted
Sweetpea is the nickname I was given
While it may appear to be simple, like a flower
It holds more than what I can ever describe
A simple, beautiful, tiny name that’s a part of me
Forever, I’ll be your only sweetpea

In the year of nineteen-twenty-four
My grandma Lorraine was born
Forty-seven years more
I entered the world one morn

My mom being close to her mother
Chose my name in honor of their bond
I cherish and would choose no other
For of my name, I’m especially fond

In January of two-thousand-nine
When grandma exhaled her last breath
I held her tender hand in mine
Unwilling to accept her death

My namesake dying left a hole
A painful space I longed to fill
I set for myself a goal
Live resiliently as she instilled

Grandma’s lifetime was filled with sorrow
Early losing both parents and brother
She continued to trust in tomorrow
With a tenacity and humor like no other

She suffered injuries, illness, trauma
Several surgeries left her hobbled and sore
But she cooked, and she cleaned, and she dealt with our drama
Assuring us she desired nothing more

In my stiving to be a woman like she
I often struggle to find the resolve
Then I dig deep inside for her inside me
Remembering her profound strength was her love

We’ve all suffered some type of loss in our lives that affected us greatly in some way. For some, more than others. I have suffered a quite a few losses in my life that I still find myself healing from today.With this letter I’m choosing to do something a bit different, I will say into a few words on what lessons I have learned from each loss in my life.

My 1st cousin/ first experience of loss: Eventhough we were only 5 years old at the time, I remember so vividly how I tried to grasp the fact that I would never see you again. Asking my mother, “so, she’s sleeping forever? She’s not going to wake up anymore?” As I watched you lay there in a casket. My first friend and sister, the one who would always play with me, eat with me and sleep with me at grandma’s house. You taught me not only what loosing someone close would feel like, but also showed me how capable I was of having someone that I could have fun with and just be me, a kid. Perfect for the little girl that I was then, just free spirited and happy. Just like you. I thank you for loving me, thank you for being you and thank you for being a part of the first stepping stones in life.

My 1st little sister: I was 9 years old when you passed away. I didn’t understand why you were given to us only to be taken away only a year later. Even though you was different because you were sick, you were still a beautiful baby and you were a strong fighter. I will never forget how when you were on your way here, I was responsible for running down the street to let our grandmother know you were coming because she wasn’t answering the phone. My first task as your big sis. I also remember the day you passed, while on the way to the hospital, riding in the back seat holding you…. You looked up at me, you smiled one last time and took your last breath in my arms. That was your way of saying “I love you big sister, I’m okay, I’m just going back home.” Thank you little sister. You taught me responsibility. You taught me that caring for someone else is such a joy and a honor to take very seriously. Something that I keep with me now today while being a big sister to OUR little sister. I make sure she knows that she has two big sisters and that you are a part of us both, forever.

My best friend: I never got to say goodbye to you. I found out about your death a month later which hurts still til this day. We were almost about to graduate high school before you were taken away due to domestic violence. We met in 5th grade and always was so a like. Like sisters. You never judged me for my imperfections and I never judged you for yours. Even when I had to transfer schools because of moving on the other side of town, you were the only friend out of our group of friends that still kept in touch. Still called me, still came to my house, still let me stay at your house, it was like I never left. You didn’t let a little distance ruin our friendship like everyone else did and that stood out to me. So thank you. You taught me what a real friendship is. Someone you can be yourself with, no judgments and no limitations. You taught me there could be a such thing as a friend who loves you no matter what. Not being able to say goodbye would only mean that you are still with me. Someway, somehow.

My beautiful grandmother: The most unexpected loss I never thought I would experience. Getting that phone call about never going to see you again felt like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. Especially because we had just spoken the night before. Now that I think about it, it kind of felt like goodbye in a way. Only because I would always tell you that I loved you first over the phone. ALWAYS. You would either say, “me too”, or “alright grandma’s baby”, but never would say it first. I didn’t take it personal because I knew you loved me. Your actions always showed it, it was just you wasn’t always big on saying it over the phone. But that night you did. I remember looking at the phone after hearing you say, “Grandma loves you”. I told you I love you too and that I would visit you over the weekend when I didn’t have to work ( I was actually at work while talking to you that night). I’m glad I got the chance to say goodbye in a way. Since I love you was the last words we spoke. You taught me so much. How to be a wife ( just by watching you be the best, even though you didn’t get a chance to see me get married)You taught me how to love selflessly and it’s okay to put those whom you love before your own needs. Thank you my granny wanny for showing me how to be a pure kind hearted spirit no matter what life throws your way. I hope that I am continuing to make you proud.

Lastly…….My dear husband: Another unexpected loss. Losing you that day was unreal in every way. I wish we were both aware of your health issues so we could have done things differently. I will never forget watching the very moment your spirit/ soul left your body as you, just like my little sister, took your last breath in my arms. There are soooooooo many things that you taught me about myself, about love and about life that I will never forget. I grew to be such a wonderful, fearless woman because of you. You taught me something that no one has, and that’s what real unconditional love actually looks like. Love with no conditions. Loving when things are easy, and learning to love even harder when things are hard. Thank you husband for introducing me to the real me. So that I can love her just as much as you did if not more. You showed me how great I was. You showed me how capable I am of loving myself first so it could become easier to love others. I now see me as you did, and I see why you loved me the way that you did.

Each of you were in my life for a period, a moment but the lessons that each of you taught me will last a lifetime. I love you all and miss you all dearly. Until we meet again my love’s.

Dear Reader,

I want to warn you before diving deep into this letter that I’ve experienced a lot of loss in the last 10 or so years. As I was pondering who I should write about I concluded that I could not choose just one person.  To choose one person would be to act as if the others did not exist, nor matter to me. Each of these people mattered and each of these people has deeply impacted my life and has contributed a piece to the mosaic that continues to become me.  So instead of honoring one person I choose to honor each person and to impart the lessons about love that they each taught me. 

Dear Loved Ones,

To my matante Elaine.  Your departure from this Earth was swift, sudden, and shocking.  The winter snow was in the process of melting as my thoughts dissolved and I erupted into a puddle of tears when I heard the news.  In those early days of grief, I didn’t know how I was going to live without you.  You showed me a love that was kind in a world that often was not.  Your eyes and your smile communicated warmth, love, and light.  You sheltered and protected me amid the storms in my life. Your heart and your home were my safe space. You made everyone you encountered feel seen, known, and loved even when you didn’t always feel it yourself.  To this day I strive to see, know, and love people with the kind and gentle love that you did.

To my Memere Gonneville.  Your passing came all too quickly. Because you had Alzheimer’s I had expected we would have to die other smaller deaths before we lost you completely.  But you remained healthy until one day you weren’t.  From you, I learned that love delights in the other.  In your younger years, you delighted in seeing us smile as you insisted that my sisters and I choose a toy from the dollar store, or as we played at a park, or as we experienced new things. Our joys were your joys and our sorrows were your sorrows.  That’s one thing I know I got from you.  Your last coherent words to me were “I love you.”  I hope when my time comes my last words will be “I love you.”

To my Memere and Pepere Hebert.  Much of my life was spent in your home sitting at your kitchen table watching and learning from you.  You gave me an example of a healthy, faith-filled marriage.  It was clear to me that you two loved each other deeply.  You died months apart from each other.  You taught me that love is generous with time, talent, and treasure.  Memere you transported many people to their medical appointments in your spare time.  When we visited you almost always retreated to the basement and returned with something to give one of your many grandchildren.  Pepere you were my rock, but also my teddy bear; strong yet soft.  My favorite moments with you were sitting on the swing watching the cars go by because in those moments you were fully present to me. You taught me to persevere.  That is a lesson I will always carry with me.  In the end, you taught me that love doesn’t end even when life does.

To my aunt Jackie. I loved spending days on the lake and at the camp with you. You loved the Blessed Mother so much and recited the rosary every day. You taught me that love is faithful even in times of suffering.  Your killer was cancer that metastasized, you endured great suffering but still, you were devoted to the Blessed Mother finding comfort and consolation in her motherly care. I strive to love the Blessed Mother as ardently as you and to pray for the hour of my death as much as you did. 

To my cousin Briar Rose, who passed away at 5 months old.  You taught me one doesn’t need to live years to live a meaningful life and to experience love.  I held you and visited you in the hospital and instantly I fell in love with you.  Though you didn’t live very long after your diagnosis you had a profound impact on our community as they banded together to support our family during that difficult time.    

Because you all mattered I still grieve.   
But it is also because I lost you…..
Because I know time is not guaranteed, but rather is a precious gift,  
That I savor each moment I have with those I love dearly. 
Thank you for being a part of my life and my story.

Dear Grand-Tee,

I really miss you sometimes.
I wonder without you what I’m supposed to be.
To be myself you made me believe, you helped me to see all those things before me.
I know, I believe, I can achieve.
You are my true friend and you are in my heart forever.
You will always be my forever.I never thought in my heart, we would not see forever.
To my life here tomorrow, I have a future because you were there.
I can not go sometimes without crying and even laughing.
I miss you every day. I’m so glad you were here to give me encouragement along the way.
You always gave me a chance, gave me a cheer.
Today is a good day to say Hi Grand-Tee.
I’m so glad you were here.
Even now I feel your sweet love from the grave.
My love, you had to be!
Grand-Tee you made me feel so praiseworthy!
You keep me strong!
You made me hope!
I wish you were here so you can see what has opened..
It is amazing, it seems like you were gone so long.
But in my heart, you can never be gone!
I miss you, I love you.
You are my forever friend, so glad I had.
Because I needed someone to depend.
Tomorrow is gone. Today you are here. Tomorrow is for us.
One day we’ll be together again as a team!

Love you always,
Charmaine