• Sharing with you, what you taught me

    To the beautiful ray of light that beamed through the windows of my hollow heart, in my darkest times. I never thought that I could need you more than you needed me. Before you were born, your dad and I were preparing ourselves for your arrival. We moved into a bigger home, I was nesting, we received many gifts from our family, your parents were reading a lot about your growth and grasping an idea of what having a newborn in our lives could possibly mean. Right before you arrived, the home we had just moved into was being taken away by the very same person who let us in. The landlord of where we were rented and had just moved in two months prior to your birthday, was making sure we lived uncomfortably. Before we could move, you were here and we already had spent so much money, to just leave it all behind. As we were just coping with our external and internal fears, we were just getting the hang of a routine and lacking sleep through it all; I was trying to recover physically and mentally with the changes that were happening simultaneously and still, we were forced to leave with you, in our arms. Mommy was a journalist, she worked in news, Daddy operates cameras and we were in the same field, meaning that the hours were all intertwined, our lives were fast-paced and I couldn’t be who I used to be now that I was different. I tried to incorporate myself into society as casually as possible, in the meanwhile, we were dealing with medical bills, packing our recently unpacked bags, managing our newfound relationship as parents, learning the day-by-day function of feeding you, bathing you, putting you to sleep and helping you learn new things as you transcended through your milestones.

    One evening, I arrived home, I got to see your beautiful face after a long day of work and I went to our room to pack some shoes into another box, that was underneath our bed. I collapsed, my body was still, I couldn’t ask for help. Your daddy came into the room, wondering why everything had suddenly become silent and as I laid on the floor, he said: “if you’re tired, go lay on the bed”; I was stuck. When I tried to move my lips to get the words out: “I had fallen unexpectedly”, I couldn’t speak. The words that came out were slurred and my eyes were unstable and I was paralyzed. Daddy, while holding you tight in his arms, called 911, and was checking my vitals. The ambulance came for me and the doctors said I needed to follow up with a neurologist because it seems that my brain may have been reacting to the highly stressful environment we were undergoing. This was not the first and last time I was at the hospital that year. I spent the majority of your starting life, recovering with you. Between moving from house to house, to sleeping in family’s living rooms, to you sleeping in a bassinet instead of your crib that was gifted to you because of limited space, to feeling degraded for asking for help, to feeling depressed because it was not the life, we imagined to give you, just a few weeks before. I was out of work all that time during recovery and so when I had finally returned from medical leave, I couldn’t stop feeling how I felt that same day I collapsed. So, I left my career and I was lost for a little bit more, but I knew that I needed to take the risk on myself, to find reward.

    Then, I found myself through your eyes. I forgave myself and became more gracious with me. I started to learn how to be patient with myself. I learned how to love myself a little more by taking care of my physical and mental health. I realized I depended much on other’s acceptance of me and not my own. I started to set up my own standards, what I defined as happiness and built myself from the dirt, up. I started to slow down and smell the roses. I started visualizing the life I wanted and slowly but surely it started to manifest. All the while, I thought home meant a house, but you taught me, home was us. It is the light you brought into our lives that moved mountains for us, brought expansion, happiness, self-acceptance and pure love. Even through our darkest moments, you taught us that we must love who we are, what we have and abundance will come, discretely and unexpectedly. It is you who taught us that no matter what we go through, we are glorious in who we are and can do anything we set our minds to. I left behind an old and outdated mentality. I removed the circumstances that no longer brought purpose or joy. I appreciated the mornings, the evenings, the minutes in between, to the fullest, now that I knew how simplicity can bring fulfillment. I am only relaying the lessons you’ve taught me my dear, for you taught me to love me, in all of my phases, in all of my shapes, feeling blessed with little on our plates, with a simple roof over our heads and a pillow to sleep on. It’s contemporaneous what we lived in your first year of life. We lost so much yet gained plentifulness. So, love yourself in all your stages, appreciate the little or lot that you have, be honest with yourself and make yourself proud, not anyone else. You need to learn how to be grounded, so that you can rise. Don’t let the bad times define you, they’re temporary. Always be humble, always be grateful, always love yourself and love will find you every day. Thank you for being our sun, our new day and our new beginning, the beaming light of our life.


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