Hey kid,

I’m so so so sorry.

I know this is supposed to be one of our best memories, our last moments of being a kid

we graduated college this year so it’s supposed to be really good, our greatest event.

My one moment of fame.

But alas, within a minute it’s over , no time for closure. a thing of the past it just doesn’t last. My worst moments fill even our best days.

Mini nightmares coming true …. That wasn’t supposed to be me … or you .

As I sat in that black gown, the tassel overstimulating me, yanking my glasses like a naughty child

I was finally

Walking that stage

But I wasn’t happy that day.

As I looked at the ghosts of friends, I’d supposedly made

I was alone

I’m sorry they missed the event

but not you … not enough to make you feel special … just once

That they wanted to take credit for what you did

Without you

I’m sorry

There was no cake to celebrate

That you’re buying your own to eat by yourself

Along with the alcohol to wash it down

That they’ve got you down on yourself again

Excluded … by your own family

Thats you …. That’s me

But you did it yayyyy….

4 years of a place you didn’t want where you were given more pain than you can stand

Just for a bit of safety

And that

No one understands.

Am I proud? …. sure.

Hard to be proud when you had to do it by yourself and in the end, there’s not even a place for my diploma on a shelf.

Sigh the bad , dare I say worst thing about a winter graduation.

Christmas, which used to be our favorite Holliday,

Turned to hell,

It’s hardest to be proud,

When you’re completely by yourself.

All I know is my biggest fear was once being alone
But I faced that reality through the dial tone of a phone.

Something I’ve learned
Is that Sometimes I think I’m cursed, Because there’s this shadow that follows me. 

That most would consider an inevitability, but to me it’s a fiend, 

An enemy that would take my innocence away from me, similar to the destruction of Helene in my home of western NC

Death.
It all started with my mother, when I was just a kid,
My little worried eyes watched as she slowly got more sick Though we didn’t understand,
her death, unplanned, she knew when she’d go,
So she wrote us all letters to let us all know,

 … she loved us, And we finally knew when we saw her coffin on the stand,

She was an unlucky one.
this was just the beginning of our family being undone,
death our constant companion from day one.

Its unfortunate but most men in my family die young, 
I watched helplessly as my brother became one. 

Thinking he was invincible as he flirted with death,The somber silence of hearing as the phone rung,
a call we hoped never to get.

we are the ones always riding behind the hearse,

I had to sit by and watch my grandmother cry, wishing she wasn’t alive,as she had seen another of her angels die
.
Because I was left Helpless to bring back the dead,
wishing in my head, that it could of been me instead, 

like life the cycle only started over again. Things stayed tough, 

Because as if we hadn’t been through enough,
we were barely able to grieve for those we loved…

My grandmother hiding the family Bible, saying it was bad luck, all the names and death dates written in the front.

I was home four days from school
hoping to enjoy the summer sun,
When death …claimed another one.

This time it was my uncle,
my grandmother’s youngest son,
only in his fifties.
His heart was not up to snuff
he fell,
Because the woman with him,
left him without help, to die by himself.

For us to find where he’d lain those four days,
The smell still makes me sick to this day
a month later my aunt too passed away following my uncle to the grave.
Another fallen one, Another cursed son,
More fear of who will be the next to come.

Cursed through life to always live and worry who’s next to die.

A quote I live by,
Is no one has a heart like mine.
Because no two people can share the same heart.
It’s different for many different reasons,
I see good In places where others find trash,
But difference isn’t supposed to be bad.
However in a life where different has turned to redundancy and rebellion
Existing can be very lonely and sad,
For those who understand this,
I know you’ve been told you’re hearts different.
And to be different can be the biggest blessing and curse for humanity
And it’s a hard lesson to learn
That no matter how hard I kick or scream
they’ll still choose not to love me.
Branding me obsessive for a simple ability
To feel with all of me,
yet sometimes choose to act calously in an act of feral fear and self preservation
I give people my all
living life like an open book
until they choose to hurt me,
Because we’re different,
I gave them my heart
Trusted them
Told them my traumas
There was no confusion on my end,
But they chose to misunderstand,
And label me the problem.
As they pranced that heart to sand
And they danced to the sound of that heart sliding through my hands
When I begged them,
To just give me a chance.
I’d never do that,
Especially to someone I called my friend.
So I’m just left with the realization that my hearts different again

Broken…. again…

But trying to mend.

The hardest lessons I’ve learned
The hardest lessons to learn in general,
Are the ones I feel ive truely earned,
As I still bear the scars from how my heart burned.

The only turning point i know
From the crying in cemeteries alone to the empty dial tone on the other side of the phone
Some people use people
And its something I was repetitively shown,
But the hardest lesson to get to know
Are the ones you will be repetitively given
History repeating itself, you’ll be made to relive it .

They treated you like your humanity was a resource
Not a person , less than a human being
Until you were drained and crying in pain
Feeling the shame for life’s disdain.
I’m sorry you chose the wrong people.
I’m sorry they played with your feelings
As if your mind and emotions were a game of solitaire but they chose to cut in.
Im sorry you Learned that even if they say they are,
Not everyone is your friend
And they were holding the knife again

But You did it again
And again,
And again,
Feeling like a Foolish girl
Who thought she had a place in the world, to make amends.
Filled with happiness laughter and friends
Only to find out she wasn’t worth it in the end.
I’m sorry youre the only one saying sorry again.

Hi sweet heart.
How are you doing?
I see you standing there,
Alone in dark, cold rooms,
Trying to brighten them with laughter and smiles.
All while the weight of raising adults at such a young age crushes you beneath its state.

I wish I could tell you it gets better,

Because we always believed everything would be alright,
As I held my pillow to confort me
crying myself to sleep at night,
But we both know we’re bad at lying,

And that would be an egregious one.

The truth is ….

And I hate to say this…

It’s get worse

And worse, and worse,

And I’m so sorry but
Im here to tell you we can’t control any of it.

So don’t try or else you’ll tear us apart.

It’s simply
a very dark start

To our story,

But if anything I want to prepare you

Give you a look into the future of tommorow.

So Brace yourself.

We lose all of our closest family members
mom as you already know ,
But Too young to yet comprehend.
Watching that coffin close again,
And…Mikey
The pain of a loss you thought you’d never understand
As they buried our brother in ashes
We hold our own hand
Ourselves,
our only friend,
No savior on the other end.

The ones that actually seemed to like us and care,
Are no longer there
So we’re left with the ones that hate us
Yet smile in our faces
A toxic fueled mess of toxity and stress you never wanted to ensue
But nevertheless,
They do.

As they maim, mock, and hurt you .

I’m so sorry for how they blame you
Or For the way you blamed yourself as if you could change fate
Saying if you could just change
Your whole life would rearrange?

By rearranging yourself.
Being anything, anyone else,
But ourselves.
Because that is deemed the worst hell.

I’m here to tell you you can’t
make them love you or change them
Especially not by changing or blaming ourselves.

And though we argue that we aren’t,

that’s not true.

Because we branded ourselves with their actions,

And can’t see clearly enough to know how to escape from the reactions.

I’m sorry it hurts so much that in the process of changing ourselves we were only crushed, and rushed to grow up,

But I can tell you from the multiple suicide attempts

Death isn’t the answer for us.

But the truth,

Is in case they haven’t told you
I’m so proud of you,

Because despite our pain
The one dream that always comes true,
Is your strong
And we can make it through.
Even if it’s by ourselves
we face the fires
And walk through.
Always the one lesson to stay with you

I still see you there.

Hiding, like a dragon in its lair,
When in truth you were just a little girl who wanted someone to care.

shaking, whimpering in a secret corner of my heart 
Sick of the shadows
scared of the dark,
…but so tired 
Tired of the lying,
of the never-ending heartbreak
And of the people who caused it, and keep trying.

Always hurting that sweet innocent giving,
little girl, You used to be
I understand the feelings
Because you,
Used to be me.

Always just Another unfortunate lesson you were made to learn.
And another heart in the flames
that eternally burn. 

You just want to protect yourself

I’m sorry I can’t say it gets much better,

Living under that curtain of thick, brown hair
Avoiding those heavy, thousand-yard glares.

I see you, standing there
Alone, in the cold stormy weather
But Always pulling through
And for that
I’d Personally
like to thank you.

Even as no one saw our own tears glistened,
You were always
Talking and taking the time to listen.
Healing others while your own heart quickened.

So thank you.
for holding out hope even when we were at the end of our long tenuous rope.

you were a patient, kind, and wild child
Moral belief guides your mouth and your feet.
Never talking out of turn
but unafraid to speak.
We fought for the right reasons
For family, for goodness for me.

Something that used to seem so easy
Now far from ease.
You lived life as you pleased and lived life by your own code of morality.
Sometimes it’s hard to actually remember and believe
That you’re me.

Like when we put our dollars in the donation jar for troops,
Because everyone deserves to get to talk to their family. though you’re own rarely talked to you.
those were just the types of things we’d do.
besides we had two dollars and a cookie only cost one.

Money was nothing but an object to us, and the real prize was adventure life, and love.
So to us, it was harmless fun that could help someone.

You hold A fearless trust that the world couldn’t mess up,
And a strong belief that this world was capable of good deeds.
Always Made up of shades
of black and white
wrong and right,
Dark and light
good, or bad
We believed whole-heartedly in humanity

Until they said we were too “different”
“Naive to believe”
And like Icarus clipped our wings
Then when he flew too close to the sun
Left us falling.

Child,
I see you… me
And I’m sorry life wasn’t what you expected it to be,
physically or morally,
But I’m thankful you’re still the hope in me
Sometimes I just ask what that brave kid would think,
As we’re Growing into the person we were always meant to be and need.

I’m proud of you,
sincerely you /me.
P.S., it’s hard but keep going till we get where we need to be.