Dear Pretty Dee,

I want to give you your flowers.

It’s so amazing how you were once so unaware but still walking in your power. You thought you were never worthy of anything good because of your past. You thought you had ran out of time, until you learned that you have the power to turn the hour glass.

I see you shedding new skin and you being free at last. You carried so much pain and now you’re finally shedding your past. Like a beautiful butterfly, you are freed from your cocoon at last.

I just want to thank you for rocking and rolling with life’s punches. You know how to transmute your strife and allow beautiful things to grow. You are a hero not just to your kids but to me. Even on the hard days you rise. I should call you and Phoenix; with how you burn in the fire just to ride from the ashes each time. Baby, you are a star who shines. And you never let it go out. Even when you were in darkness and filled with doubt you were still shining ever so bright. No matter how hard you used to self-sabotage, you couldn’t even dim your own light. I am so grateful to know you and to see you in every single season. You lived to tell the tales of why you had a 13th reason and how you beat it. You are more than a conqueror and patting yourself on the back doesn’t make you conceited. You thought you took some losses but really it’s a flawless victory. Because the things you release and let go of catapult you into your destiny. The better you are the best me. You ooze authenticity even when you try to hide in the shadows. Baby you are a sunflower and you will never be a rose. You really keep people on their toes. I am glad that you have learned to love being hated. Because now love grows in the places where you were jaded. I might be biased but I think you are the greatest thing that God could have ever created.

You learned to stop over-giving and watering others. And pour into you. I love the peace you have because you are more into your self-care. I love how you are so aware. I am thankful that you started implementing boundaries and you let them stay there. I thank you for allowing me in your space. I know i haven’t seen anything but your are giving me a taste. The endless love and gratitude that I have for you is unconditional and cannot be counted. I love that you over came the mountain that was you. I thank you for staying true even when you were lost. I’m so grateful that you realized that you are the boss. I can give you thanks and gratitude for ages but I might run out of pages. Because I am not worshipping just you but the Holy Spirit of God within. I am thankful to know that in you I will always have a friend and you got me where I lack.
DeAndrea, I honestly just want you to know that I am grateful for you and I love you to the next universe and back! You finally love yourself and stop waiting for people to water you back and get their approval. It’s the best thing you could have done. Taking care of you. So no matter what always stay true because your kids are becoming better people because of you.

I love you,

Well Brave One, if only you were born a son. Then you would have earned your father’s love. You came kicking and screaming into this world on Winter Solstice day, never knowing how hard your life would be. You caught your uncle’s eye and your peaceful childish dreams became a place of anguish. I want you to know you are brave. You told someone you trusted with those awful things. I want you to know you’re strong even when you think you’re weak. I know some days you seem like you can’t go on, and you want to silence the pain, but do not give up. You will pull through. Yes, Brave One, you were born to atrocities, but victories belong to you, too.

Dear, Lindsey,

I’m writing you to thank you for being you. I understand that many hard situations in life have taken a toll on you mentally, physically, and emotionally, but your resilience to persevere through it all is remarkable. Thank you for your genuineness and authenticity, no matter who is bothered by it. Thank you for continuing the self-improvement work that helps you show up everywhere with kindness and compassion. Thank you for looking for that little girl inside of you. I know at one point you felt as if you couldn’t find her. Then all of a sudden when you least expected it, there she was looking back at you in the mirror. Thank you for remembering that young woman inside who had the whole world to conquer, and all the time in the world to do it. Thank you for sharing the love of Christ with others, although sometimes you’re not quite sure if you’re doing it right. Thank you for caring so deeply toward others but also remembering you matter just as much. Self-care and self-love have kept you moving towards your dreams and the things that call for your gifts and talents. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for believing in me again. Thank you for gaining back the faith in me that you lost from all the heartache and pain in your life. Thank you for not giving up on me even though I know you sometimes came close. Thank you for deciding you wouldn’t let the dark things that have happened to you make you bitter, but instead, you choose to love. I’m grateful for you. I know that one day you will understand that you are the inspiration you need to move forward. Keep dreaming. Keep believing BIGGER. Keep showing up for yourself just as much as others. Remember hope is powerful, and faith is life.

Love,
Me

Dear Self,
Thank you for accepting life’s journey and not letting obstacles stop your glory. You’ve triumphed over the hurdles of failure and dismay. Dealing with a toxic partner while trying to maintain and enjoy new motherhood. Through the woes of taking care of your aging parents and as we all know, the bills don’t stop coming! Barely seen are the burdens you bear; a smile in the forefront of all adversity. Thank you for acknowledging and gracefully defeating depression and unhappiness. You decided not only for yourself but for your child, you will have peace. Also, understanding peace requires forgiveness. Thank you for not giving up or breaking when so many would have. Thank you for standing up for me! Thank you for remembering God is always with you in your darkest times. I thank you for having the courage to tell your story so that it may encourage others. Our purpose may not always be obvious to us, but it’s clear in the way we touch other’s lives. Thank you for sharing a piece of you, as others may use it as faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

Much bravery, much conceal.
The shameful life of a once teenage girl,
An innocent heart, left unguarded.
Experiences you should’ve never had to feel.
If only childhood was satisfactory and in things pure.
Too eager to live life much more mature.
I’ve contemplated time after time,
if I could go back. Press rewind.
I would save you from these heart aches,
Reroute the pain, ultimately creating even greater mistakes.
Instead for this life ado,
I won’t complain, sneer or grunt,
I will declare, I truly thank you.
For not throwing in the towel.
You continue to press through.
You don’t give in when it gets tough,
when your head is bowed, overshadowed,
the crowd shouting, “say you’ve had enough!”
Off the ropes you fly believing in promises of victory.
Though the evidence, with a naked eye, I cannot see.
I’m glad you fought for a baby that would one day break your heart.
Only fit to offer prayers and bitter tears. Groans and weeps because words were ripped apart.
Numerous broken hearts you’ve tasted, the tears they stain never the same.
Yet you choose to continue breathing.
Each comes heavy and shallow drenched in grief, bound with pain.
Your eyes fixed on Heaven, awaiting revival, for there is strength calling on His name.
I admire your pursuit of love, when all turn aside.
Peace has become the gift well sought after, the perfect place to hide.
Holiness, a tapestry well worth its design.
Embroidered with hope, in charity is lined, ever so divine.
Thank you for getting up and getting out of there.
Thank you for standing up for her, ridding your lives of such rage and despair.
The undertaking of miser, Finally choosing to love yourself.
Instead of waiting for guilt and hurt to transform to love and good health.
Finally realizing the definition and understanding you were caught in a loop of insanity.
You learned to love yourself regardless of others. No need to make plans for you and me.
School stayed a priority. I know it was, has, can, and will be a muddle of time and testation.
Tales fail to express the search for someone who’ll lend consolation.
Keep looking to Heaven. God is near, and understands your heart’s meditation.
We’re 35 now, soon to enter 36. 20 years has passed.
You have survived. She is still alive. Both of you have made it.
Many of your fears have subsided. Hopelessness has faded.
You’re a nurse now! And still delight in simplicity.
You’ve done well keeping up with broken parts. Enough remains to still recognize “me.”
Many nights you were afraid, but life hasn’t trampled you under.
Everything is alright, we’ve made it through clouds, rain, and thunder.
Thank you for praying that night, God heard us, and gave what we needed so we wouldn’t fall.
Your heart was softened, and you answered when he called.
For choosing to live everyday, and not loosing your mind when Grandma and Grandpa passed away.
Not drinking this, and smoking that.
For putting the knife down, not swinging that bat.
For not buying a weapon, for putting her first.
Not marrying him, giving him more babies, making matters worse.
Thank you for freeing us from the claustrophobia of that long hall leading to an end dead.
A rotten routine of being alone, with only eggs, bologna, and bread.
She’s 19 now, and has no memory. The hard times had no effect.
One day she’ll appreciate. Then will reveal reasoning for your high level of expect.
You finally learned who is and has always been your best friend.
You’re finally brave enough, stand up for her, love, protect her, and defend.
You taught me memories can be released. It’s okay to forget.
You don’t have to allow it hurt anymore. You can let go of regret.
I can now fight the qualms that wrestle every morning in my head,
They seek my life, desire to drown me leaving my corpse in bed.
I’m so glad you learned how to be a mom, and you finally learned, “NO!”
I’m glad you heard that song, and finally said, ” I have to go!”
And fear became a stepping stone.
I know its not the life you wanted, tattered remnants stitched and re-stitched.
Brava! You finally say what no one else will say to you.
You’ve given me permission to not impress the unimpressible.
I find ways to make myself swoon!
You’ve given me permission to be weak and sorrowful,
because life is disastrously cruel.
You’ve shown loneliness is a strategy to confound inner peace.
Rather, its a golden ticket when your heart is raging and your mind is crumpled and needs release.
Finally we see that it is impossible for a size 12 to fit into a size 8!
That is the most bizarre expectation any man could expect.
Such a requirement, no one should ever create.
Most of all: I thank you for not mistaking this knowledge and understanding was all of your own.
For God held these plans for me. Forever shall I be thankful.
For He remains forevermore answering me from, making a way from His throne.

Thank you for not masking your anger
Or holding your shame
For no longer playing someone else’s game
For holding space
Giving yourself grace
For continuing to love after pain
Finding comfort in the rain
Thank you for killing your old ways
The ones that kept you blue in the face
For finding your voice
Even while shaking staying true to your choice
For rekindling hope and belief
What may seem like such a small feat
Feels like the biggest relief
To release the doubt
Call back your power this time around
Thank you for pushing through
Realizing all the patterns you get to undo
For having dreams
Refusing to settle
Understanding you don’t have to silence your screams
For taking up space
And leaving a trace of words in a world with too much hate
Thank you for the spilled tears
Year after year we’re finally here
Your heart stayed clean
Finally learning to breathe

Dear Self,

I want to say thank you to You! By the way You are beautiful.
Self you have endured many struggles and sleepless nights but you held tight. Thank you!
Self you were laughed at and made fun of and did not know that there was a Light. A light that shined brighter when it is in the correct space and with the right people. That light is inside of You, Thank you! Self, you dreamed a lot when you were an adolescent and then slowly became distracted. I want to thank you because you reacted to the distractions by pushing through and fulfilling your dreams. Self, You were told by others that you were worthless and would not amount to anything but you silenced those voices. You made greater choices and they worked best for you. Thank You! You allowed yourself to persevere through it all and You stood tall. Thank you! Self you were given names and behaviors that were unexplained but You remained a conqueror. Thank you!
Self, you wore many hats and are still trying out new ones that fit properly. You parented single handedly, taught well, and soothe the tears of your little ones. Thank You!
Self I have seen you become your better self and cannot wait until I see your greater self.
Self, Thank you so much for not giving up on You. Self, You continued and still is showing up and looking up. Self continue looking your challenges in the face and take your place in the space that you are so deserving of. Now go to the closest mirror, smile, and shout, “Thank You,” to You!

Sincerely,
Self A.K.A. YOU

More than anything else that life may offer me as the new year approaches, I desire rain and gloom, choking on the scent of secretion from plants as the rain showers-a strangely unpleasant reward.
I desire light emitted in its warmth, embracing me in its rays as the room accommodates me in its space.
The creak of wood as bare feet grace its ageing surface.
The gentle caress of intentionally, creatively, and emotionally articulated sentences as I supine staring at the wonders of the night sky.
The comfort of another that does not need removal, for they are laconic with their words but intentional with their meaning. I desire a reality engulfed by serenity.

The next year 2025 will be my year
I have waited enough for it, it’s time to fly away
I’m tired on being closed in a small cage
I want to fly and feel free like an eagle on the sky

I will prepare myself with love and dedication
it is time to shine, to shown your gifts to the world
I will be the successful person I want to be
nobody will turn off my light this upcoming year

I will learn how to drive, it is time to be fear free
I have postponed this for a long time
this time my fury demons will not stop me
I will drive freely like nobody else on the road

I just need to let down my fears and insecurity
and strongly hug my bad emotions into a greatness
I will drive this 2025 as I’m tired of ask for rides
you are a strong and intelligent woman you will do it

I will think more on myself, nobody cares if is not you
I will take long baths and meditate more on my dreams
being a mother of 3, a wife and a entrepreneur is hard
I need to focus in my self esteem and do what I enjoy to do

I wlll find this 2025 more time to write
God had gifted me with this passion
I will find the space to write all my emotions
instead of let them torturing into my head

This 2025 I will be a stronger person
I need to conquer my dreams
I need to learn how to be happy
I need to learn how to revive myself

What do I even call you? Gregory? Lillie? I’ve wrestled with that these last few months as I’ve been finding myself in this world and really trying to figure out WHO I am.
On paper and in pictures and in so many people’s memories, you were a little boy and on some levels that still bothers me that I was robbed of a childhood I only ever was able to dream about and beg for. And for years, I blamed you. I hated you so much. I couldn’t stand you and I called you every single name in the book and I probably made up a few along the way as well.
It was your fault I couldn’t be a girl. You didn’t stand up for me. You didn’t speak up when you had the chance. Who else could I blame? All I could do was turn that anger inward, on you, on us. But the facts are, you existed before the internet. You didn’t know there were people like us out there. And being from a small town certainly didn’t help when you didn’t even know there was a community.
So as part of OUR healing process I need to look at the facts. And Gregory, you did the best you could with what you had. So many of your actions were due to various trauma responses and I can no longer be angry with you for that. Somehow you knew that the world wasn’t ready for me.
So, you kept me safe, and you suffered alone for decades. You gave up your youth to protect me. You became a father because you knew I would never bear children of my own. All this you did for me and so much more. You had to grow up so fast in a world that would never have accepted me back then. And you did all that in order to protect me when I thought you were being selfish.
My hope is that you can forgive me for the bitterness I felt towards you for all those years as you kept me safe. My hope is that through reflection and inner child work that you and I, Gregory and Lillie, can finally be healed and whole. This is so much more than me saying thank you for keeping us safe. For preparing me for the world and giving me the tools to navigate it. This is me asking you for your forgiveness for not understanding the burden you put on yourself and all that you gave up so that one day I could exist. So, thank you Gregory. Thank you for everything. Because of you and your sacrifice, I’m able to exist.

Disclaimer:
This is a warm drink, sip slowly.
Appreciate the notes hidden within the ingredients.

Hey, You…or shall I say Me?

In correspondence with Myself, I offer this Memoir.
The singing of an unsung dedication.
Merits to You; I declare to also be Me.

I’d like to open this letter of appreciation, connect various clues,
While Journeying amidst the gratitude.

You accepted a mission, the lively hood of enduring,
As if it were some kind of trend.

Here in this place, I attach my fist pin, on the day the bronco ride of your life began.

Beyond 4lbs. and 11 oz, You prevailed,
Eluding the proclamation to be “the weaker twin.”
From Struggling to live, to living to defend.
You stood up for Her. Your other half from the womb, Your best friend.

CHEERS!
To making laughter the language I deeply comprehend.
A Smile from ear to ear is always a Means to soothe, express delight, and to amend.

Full is my heart!
Melodies escape the chamber guarded by Your lips.
Melodies made to worship, mourn, and to uplift.

“Hear Hear,”
To Your wanting of more each day.
Reaching higher is a gift. Allow Yourself to imagine, to dream, and occasion to drift.

I concur
Desiring discovery, You inquire with persistence, uncovering one thing and another.

Prompted by a basic, “What if?”

I thank You for being the person that those leaning on You can depend.

Standing Ovation, BRAVO!
You offer presentation of Yourself unapologetically. Classy, Brassy, and Tiff.
Shamelessly portraying yourself, unaware of how to be anyone else.

Much oblige
Clinging on to The Most High,
Resting on assurance of a VICTORIOUS WIN He promised to provide!

Now, Concerning the dreams You were unable to apprehend.

I sigh at the thought of you being given unto love.
A devoted characteristic of You;
Even when they treasured it with the underside of their shoe.

PERMISSION GRANTED
Relieve the reservoir.
Release built up pressure,
Allow the dams to overflow.
Rushing down the mural of your face.
Liberate the pain residing deep within.
Mourn those No longer counted to be a friend.

You chose life when poisonous thoughts lusted for an end.
For this I thank you Most of all, you didn’t bend.

I salute Your courage
Being fluid when things got stiff.
You came out swinging. Never considering,
against the wall Your back would be pinned.
deemed unable to recognize the future you had planned.

LOOK AT YOU!
Picking up the pieces and creating a new outlook;
Although the image held up before You had shattered when shook.
You persevered Searching for a line of silver, covered in soot.

CONGRATULATIONS!
No looking back
Once the foot met the pavement, that was that.
Bravery made room for love again this time it fluttered, lingered, and did transcend.
This Love Granted strength,
In turn, advancing Me beyond barriers placed by those who hardly dare to dream.
You have become Immune to the projections of doubt and self-limitations.
Heroically we display our talents
Ever pursuing of The Summit, You were said to ONLY “hope” to reach.

You REFUSED collapse under pressure,
RELUCTANT to buckle,
RELYING firmly on what You believe.

When Deterioration was Determined to Dim my Light.
You were Indestructible, Thank you,
I know you’ve had many rough nights.

I Wish I had the power to step into a memory
Giving appeal to Deja Vu
I’d Place my hand upon your shoulder
Illuminating the illusion that had trapped you

Although adverse,
Possibilities may yet be obtained.
You are a Beacon of inspiration to Me, the future of You.
Thank You for holding Memories as passwords, that unlock the secrets of this constructed identity.

I RAISE A GLASS!!!
Even though the experience tasted sour, I applaud You for making the attempt.
I must say we aren’t half bad considering the story we have lived.
So Here’s to learning from the past, mistakes are the Alma Mater.