To My Beautiful Youngest Self,
We did something we never thought possible. All those nights counting the years, days, hours, and minutes until we turned 18. Our journey was not easy; we faced not just physical attacks, but spiritual ones as well. We spent many nights crying and praying that someone would come and remove us from this nightmare. We left The Cult.
I am proud of you because you hung on. You knew early on that this was not our “Truth,” but when you are a victim of manipulation, abuse, and bullying, you did what you thought was best. You learned to “play the game” to survive—smiling when told, never speaking about the physical and emotional abuse. You did this to avoid further abuse. There was a time that you considered doing the unthinkable, but you were determined to move beyond that.
You rebelled in ways people wouldn’t have understood, but I do. School was your form of rebellion. You prepared us by creating lifelong friendships, even though you were warned not to. It was as if you already knew these friends would be important later. Did you know? I smile to think you had a plan.
When high school ended, you were ready to leave at 1. Unfortunately, you were guilted into staying longer because our grandmother, now living with the family, was ill. You were told how helpful it would be, and that family was the most important thing. You loved Grandma so much and didn’t want to leave her. So, you stayed—miserable, but you stayed. After a year and a half of turmoil, you made the ultimate decision: you left. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Your plan was impeccable.
Everyone was sitting in the kitchen when you announced you were moving. They looked at you as if it were some hilarious joke. What they didn’t know was that for the past year, you had been plotting the Great Escape. In your bedroom, you didn’t have a bed; you bought a used sleep sofa a year prior. When asked about it, you said you wanted your room to look like a living room so that when friends were permitted to come over, they could sit and pretend they were in your little apartment. You had started buying items for a small apartment, which you hid in the Hope Chest Grandma gave you (We STILL have that Hope Chest). One month before your announcement and departure, you had put down a deposit for a small studio on the other side of town.
No one believed you. They tried their best to guilt you by using our grandmother, our baby brother, and, of course, The Cult. They continued to disbelieve you until moving day, when you had a U-Haul, had those lifelong school friends help you pack all your things, and left.
For a while, we were at peace. We lived life, went to movies, met people, hung out, and just learned what it was like to be a normal person. Unfortunately, things happened in our lives, and we felt this was a spiritual punishment, so we returned. We honestly thought things would be different. They were not. It was more miserable as the judgment for leaving the first time was harsh.
Then one day, it happened. We had an epiphany. It came in such a way that we believed it was in our heads. But it was true. That day, we got up, left, and never returned. Finally, we had our FREEDOM!
Each time I think about those moments, I smile. I want to thank you for your resilience, wisdom, and ingenuity. My heart fills with a pride I cannot describe. It was all you and only you who brought us to where we are now. Anytime I think I cannot deal with something; I think of the moments YOU made it all happen.
I thank you and love you so very much.
Signed,
Your Older Self