My dearest Dreima,

It’s true when they say new year new you.

But let us not make it about everyone else.

This year is about me, you, US. We’ve fought our deepest demons, the ones that creep in our sleep.

This time around we’re not letting monsters instill fear in our hearts.

Feel your beat. Focus on the sound of your voice. No one else can demand you to follow them. You’re not a follower, you drive your own steering wheel.

You will follow the pathway called, “My Life”.

I will be on the passenger side.

Don’t take for granted every mistake you’ve made.

We’ve cried, laughed, and even almost died.

We were hit by the highest hurricanes.

But we never drowned, and you don’t even know how to swim.

Scared of almost meeting death herself, we learned to appreciate the flowers in our garden. This year we will plant more seeds, new opportunities and bigger dreams. We will water our flowers throughout the week, growth and confidence will bloom.

Don’t fear to wear what makes you beautiful.

Be a rainbow, the diamond on the rough. You will shine from a mile afar.

Wear your most gorgeous outfit, your smile.

Be bold to stare at each other in the mirror every morning.

We aren’t meant to stand on opposite sides, but rather united in one mind.

But if on some nights you want to dissolve, it is okay.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you want to let yourself break into a million pieces. I will…we will pick each other up. Embrace all your weaknesses because only then you’ll know what serenity feels like.

Tell those that you love that you can no longer give them all of you, because they only give you half or no love at all.

You need some of that love to continue thriving.

Because in order to care for them, you need to heal yourself first.

First, you must now put yourself first.

Don’t believe the whispers on the street, you are not selfish.

People can sing without knowing the beat, but only you know the words to your song.

So hold on to what gives you the most strength…your family.

You made promises, and some went with the wind.

This year you will fly and reach for those promises because you will make them come true.

Remember it won’t be easy. No matter the weather, you will be rewarded with flowers in the winter. And even when they’re dying you will lift your pedals up.

I cannot wait to see you, us walking down the stage. Looking over at the sound of the ocean, clapping for our success.

Sincerely,

Remember that story you loved? It was yours

The first time you crumpled and chucked a corner of your life it landed on the floorboards that noticed when your shoe size changed. I’ve watched you shout sentences out of your pockets, the chapters you wished away tucked under boxes in the attic

You forgot that I write sonnets even in the moments when you wish the words were different

Baked into the silence of an unchanging commute, between the lines of a receipt, stolen from the heaviness of a light beer
To praise the job of your sigh and the metrics of your laugh. The chip laid on your shoulder is self-inflicted and superficial, unfairly designing the angle of your flinch when smoothing the lines of your blazer
I’m aware that each time knowledge shakes your hand, more hesitation steals its way beneath the confidence of your brow

But I hear the words, the paragraphs, and the footnotes

They’re the flush in your cheeks when you thought you found a lifetime of pinky promises. The sound of change you accidentally drop and the way your hands hug your knees in the shower
Plot points noiselessly idle in the etchings of your sheets, in the breath of your smile and the wanting of your pace.
I listen to your worry in the unchecked list hidden by the stack of papers settled on your dresser

Yet, even when you temporize, I continue to cite moments

So that you remember how hospital beds and birthday cards and feeling last in line could not separate you from your darkest strand of hair
The purple of the raised scars underneath your shirt are smooth despite their nature, like how strokes across your lips make no mention of the pain they’ve caused
I’m in the room when you lose time contemplating time lost

Do you notice how I number the pages?

I hold a ruler to the glow of your irises when you hum under the little dipper. I’m there, studying the value of each thank you.
Integers of convention straighten your spine like the phone calls you miss, and you dither under the pressure of opportunity
I’m a witness to the metronome of your bedside lamp and how it keeps you afraid of the dark

The next sentence is always blank until it isn’t

Someday soon the gnawing of your aspirations will outweigh the chapters you believed weren’t worthwhile
Intermittent joys will steady your footsteps in new spaces,  but burn crescendos brighter than evening sunsets when you realize great things don’t always come in threes
I’ll remind you that the relief of finding will hold you like a lover when you thought there was no chair meant for you

And you’ll write for you, for me, too
The story you love, the story yet to be

For the new me, may never be found; because you see, the idea is unsound.

What is newness? Is it true?

I find that I am seldom new; and often, always, built by two.

There’s who I was, and who I will be … then somewhere in between, there’s me.

Propelling forward, pulled by past, knowing resolutions will not last, if I don’t love the parts of me, that are the now, and the infinity. ~ a poem by ~ 𓌂 © Danielle, #DAMCL ™, @DsEnlightenedEdits ™®🌈 𓌂©𝐰𝐰𝐰.𝐃𝐀𝐌𝐂𝐋𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬.𝐜𝐨𝐦 ™®𓋹;
© January, 2022.

As the new year arrives
I’m grateful that in 2021, I’ve taken tremendous strives

The courage & belief in self really blossomed this year
After years of my mind being controlled by fear

I’m really excited for 2022
Hopefully, we’ll all make it through

There are so many things I want to do
Like continuing to grow as a writer & go back to school, just to name a few

I embrace the surprises that will come along the way
It also helps to have fun & play.

So, I’m ready for the great year, that’ll be 2022
I hope you are too.

Dear 15 year old me,

Man are you in for a ride.

And I don’t mean one of those smooth sailing, dreamy boat rides that you find in Disney. I’m talking Six Flags Goliath, being suspended in the air with no choice but to stick it out.

That’s probably not what you want to hear, but preparation is key.

Let’s start with the good: You win homecoming queen your senior year. I already spoiled something huge, so now you don’t have to make such an ugly crying face when they announce your name as the winner.

But underneath the tiara, something is happening within your brain. The extreme episodes of depression and highs aren’t just hormones and the instability that comes with being a teenager.

I know you remember the bouts of sadness you witnessed from your dad. How he’d stare out the window for days, completely mum. How you’d crawl into bed and sleep next to him, hoping to incite some reaction out of him that wasn’t stillness.

But his depression never permanently stayed. You know those nights he’d be up for hours, awaking you and your mom at 2 a.m. with a plethora of brilliant ideas that he wanted to get started on? True, you haven’t seen him for years, but he left you behind something. You probably don’t want it, but it’s not up to you.

It’s more than looks that are hereditary. Everyone says you look just like him, but every time you see your mom’s face, you swear you look just like her. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or sheer admiration since she was the parent that stuck around.

That gift he left leads you to therapy your junior year of college (Sorry, but I can’t spoil where you end up at). But as soon as you hear your therapist, who you made so much progress with, utter the words “bipolar,” you no-show enough appointments to the point they bar you from coming back for months.

You wait. And wait. I know that sounds improbable since you’re the most impatient human on this planet. You’d hit the fast forward button on life if you could … but again, you wait, and try to get better on your own.

I want you to know that it’s always okay to ask for a helping hand. If you did, the episodes of hypomania and depression might’ve been frozen in their tracks earlier.

You’re 24 by the time you seek help. Your “Kobe year” as they call your 24th birthday (here’s your head start on all the cool kid lingo) kind of feels like a championship, word to Black Mamba.

You’re finally diagnosed. But this time, the mention of bipolar II is almost a relief. A win. There’s still a stigma around taking pills for your mental health, but it’s not as cutthroat as it is your freshman year of high school. It helps that you’re surrounded by people who can relate, navigating their own battles just like you.

This totally sounds like a nightmare, and your mind will jump to the worst after reading this forewarning. But let me tell you this — you will experience so many moments of beauty that it’ll be hard to wrap your head around.

Yes, you have bipolar disorder, but that didn’t stop you from embarking on a solo trip to the Canary Islands (No shade, but do you even know where that is on a map? If not, you’ll soon figure it out). You live in Argentina for a summer. You see the Coliseum and your high school textbooks won’t do it justice. You spend surreal nights partying in Madrid, New York, Los Angeles, Miami, and all over Italy. You pack up your life in Atlanta and turn over a new leaf in Boston.

I know you’re dying to know about your love life too. Again, let’s start with the good news: you meet a LOT of cute boys. Bad news: they all suck. So let’s not focus on that part.

Life is going to put you through the wringer, but you will be astonished and so, so proud of the person that comes out on the other side. To simply be alive is an incredible thing.

Your disorder is a gift. It’s made you into a force that’s resilient beyond belief.

So buckle up champ. Your journey starts now.

Dear Future Butterflies,

The ones that are having a hard time fitting in with their peers. I see you guys sitting in your school gym listening to a speaker that doesn’t give you any encouragement for your future.

Right now, I know many of you feel lost in a world that’s giving you confusing messages on who you are and who you should be. You’re made to believe that you’re supposed to be tough all the time or be a bully & terrorize other kids, but, that’s not who you are deep inside your heart.

The school world probably isn’t helping bring out those characteristics about yourself that make you ”you”. Nor are your loved ones (bless their hearts). They’ve already picked certain students who they believe will be future stars and left ones like you behind because they see no value in you.

You want to cry and take your anger out on those who mistreat you, but, you’re afraid, that you don’t have the strength to defend yourself. You have more power inside than you think. You just haven’t been allowed to see it yet. A long adventure awaits you.

I was like many of you for a long time. I had a hard time showing the qualities that made me feel alive -  because the environment I was around didn’t allow them to grow into healthy flowers. I grew up in a small town in North Carolina for the first fifteen years of my life. I would discover my love for History and Reading there.

A lot of kids I knew, didn’t share the same love that I had for those two things, so, it was impossible to make friends because the boys I knew were into making fun of others, fighting, and establishing dominance over others.

Those things never interested me so I became a target of their cruel games. They enjoy bullying me and making me feel low whenever they had the chance. Enough bullying had happened that they got their wish. My self-esteem was in the negatives. That bubbly kid died in middle school.

I became quiet and only said the bare minimum just to get by without anyone picking on me. It would take years for me to finally rejoice and embrace the qualities of myself that are a part of me. It was a long journey into learning more about myself.

While my peers had seemed like they had figured their life out and were doing great things, I remained behind just trying to make sure I don’t take the wrong path in life for most of my 20s.

The amazing part is I would start coming across people online & offline in my 20s that would help me find the path where I’m on today. Now at 32, my self-esteem is in a better place than it’s ever been. I can’t wait to see my progress in five years.

I share my love for history out in the open. I also would discover this amazing gift called writing -  thanks to a close friend I met on a social media site that I remain close with to this day.

If someone from the future told me that my life would change 20 years ago, I wouldn’t believe them– because of the mental state I was in at the time.

Like me, you’ll discover people who will bring those amazing qualities you have out of you and made you feel safe being who you are.

I wish I could tell you that your journey would be easy, it may be a tough one for you. Rejoice though, you’re gonna make it. Just trust the process, even when it gets painful (which is a hard challenge).

You’ll do a lot of inner work on yourself, a lot of it will be uncomfortable. You’ll read articles that talk will make you feel bad about yourself. You’ll even have a lot of self-loathing moments.

You’ll even be mad at yourself for not having the courage to stand up for yourself when you were younger. All of the hardship & pain you’ll go through is to produce a strong human being.

So, I hope this message empowers you, you’re journey is just beginning and I hope to see you on the other side someday.
I wish you all much success,