You will be okay.
Dear Me (the little version),
You will be okay. I want to warn you about so much to come, but I want you to know first that you [we] will be okay. You will live the first two – almost three – decades of your life for everyone else, instead of for yourself. You will be told to speak when spoken to. You will learn that children are meant to be seen and not heard. You will unlearn all of this eventually. You will always get A’s, always…until, one year, your body and mind will fail you while everyone else just calls you a lazy teen. When you get that one and only C, it will break you. You will want to end your life. A few times. You will fall in love. A few times. You will be betrayed by a best friend. A few times. You will be a pawn in many different peoples’ games, and you won’t realize it until long after they’ve won. You will lose so many people that you stop being able to count the funerals. You will find that Catholic school did you more damage than you thought. You will realize you like girls. And boys. And everything in between. And that you are actually something in between. You will be assaulted, in a few different ways, by a few different people, and at a few different points in your life.
You will find your power again, though. You will learn to take up space. You will learn that asking for help is not a weakness. You will find your people. You will find your person. You will learn that you love cats. You will adopt a corgi, but you will definitely be scared of her. You will get to touch a real live penguin. You will actually leave the country. You will finally learn to ride a bike. You will get fat, and you will learn that’s okay. You will get sick, and you will fight like hell for the help you need. You will use a wheelchair. Not just playing around in our grandfather’s chair; it will be yours. You will need a breathing machine to sleep at night. These are all parts of needing help and accepting help. It’s okay. You will learn so many new normals each day. You will hate college. You will love learning. You will hate your job. You will love living. You will buy a house by the beach, just like we always dreamt of. You will find the wedding dress of our second grade dreams. You will be great at cooking and terrible at cleaning. You will never be tall, but you will briefly be blonde. You will not remain friends with any of the people you know now.
You will find yourself, but you will have to lose yourself for many years first. You will do anything you can to please others, but you will work on that with your therapist. You will finally actually get a therapist. You will be kind. You will be brave. You will be smart and funny and grounded and creative and introverted and talkative and blunt and introspective and thoughtful and generous and anxious and messy. You will be your own person and live for yourself, eventually. You will be listened to. You will be valued, as you are. You will be taken care of. You will matter. You just have to wait until you’re much closer to being me.
See ya when I see ya,
You have gone thru so much in your 27 years. I know its been a challenging journey for you. But you sound strong and determined to succeed in life. Do not let the obstacles you have faced prevent you from reaching your goals. I know you will continue to grow and accomplish great things in your life. Let us know how things progress.
Marybeth, I’m glad that you were able to withstand a rough part of your childhood. younger you would be so proud of the person that you became today. it takes a lot of effort to move on from your past and be able to stay as strong as a brick wall that way your world would not come crashing down. continue to succeed at what you do and continue to withstand tough challenges.
MaryBeth, I am so glad you have embraced all of who you are. Because you are wonderful just the way you are. I am sorry you have been through so much struggle, but you should be beyond proud of your perseverance. I know I am proud of you. Keep taking up space. Keep asking for help when you need it. Keep being YOU! Thank you for sharing your story on The Unsealed. I hope you continue to write on The Unsealed and I get to meet you on one of our zooms soon :). <3 Lauren
P.S. I am terrible at cleaning too