To 17 year old me, 

Hey there, you. It’s me. Well it’s you six years later. I am writing to you at a bit of a rocky time in my life, but I wanted to fill you in because I know all you ever do is wonder about the future, so maybe this will put you a bit at ease. Though knowing us, I doubt that. Right after I turned 18 and quit working the reception job, I started working at Starbucks and enrolled in Esthetics school. If I am being honest, we never fully let go of how sad we were when Portland State didn’t work, but we are getting better at pushing through and moving to plan b, and that alone is something we should be proud of. The good news is, I actually love being an esthetician.I really dove into the lessons and finished at the top of my class. I found a job, and moved to Livermore in a matter of ten days. When I first got there, I lived in a house of twelve people who weren’t very welcoming because my spanish was terrible and I kept getting tattoos and that freaked them out. I kept myself busy though, working seven days a week trying to build solid clientele and better my experience in the field. This was the first time in my life that I ever got homesick. That never happened even as a kid when brother and I went to grandpas to work on the farm for the summer, but I felt completely alone when I left. That never changed. 

I moved there to be with him and I was so excited that the moment was finally here. When we moved to Sacramento in seventh grade, we went into a really dark headspace that to this day we have a hard time climbing out of, so living in the same city and being able to do real relationship stuff was great for a while. We made it to EDC two years in a row and you made all of your outfits, accomplishing your goal to get into a mosh pit at Major Lazer’s set. 

I moved out of that overcrowded house shortly after moving in and became roommates with a girl I met while working at Benefit. At first, we got along really well and it was exciting to be solo and have a roomie I could potentially be close with. Quickly that newness began to fade, and we realized how different our walks of life were and decided she would move out after the year. That left me in a bit of a bind because I didn’t want to move, but I also couldn’t find another roommate. That’s when he and I decided it would be a good idea to live together, and so he moved in April of 2019. 

Living together was hard. My mood swings and anger started spiraling out of control. I felt like I had to go with the motions and move forward so we got engaged despite how I felt inside. I couldn’t understand why I was so unsure of him, so I blamed it on being bipolar. I started to think “If I can get my mood swings in order, it will fix our relationship because I am the problem.” I hated planning a wedding, and wearing a wedding ring and hearing everyone call him my fiance, and I still didn’t see that as a sign. Well, I did, but purposely ignored it. I know it’s hard for us to end things because we don’t like feeling like we gave up or failed. I just want to tell you right now, We. Did. Not. Fail. I put in effort day after day to help him grow up while also trying to figure out my own problems and it still wasn’t enough. I knew before getting engaged that I didn’t want to be with him, yet got married anyways and stayed another two years after that. I had to see it through. He disappointed us in every aspect of our marriage, but that was all I wanted since I was eleven years old and I struggled to stop holding on to that. We are now learning to let go. Breaking the grip did not hurt more than the pain I had from staying. 

Mariyah I can’t wait for you to learn your worth and realize you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. Stop hurting yourself, please. I am not just talking about physically, though you really should stop doing that too. It does get easier and easier to look at sharp objects and not want to use them. Stop hurting yourself emotionally, too. You pretend you’re made of steel but that act will only take you so far. 

I’ve been trying to love myself more lately and I constantly try to make myself a little better every day. I practice daily yoga and I started doing Muay Thai and punching people in a controlled environment is probably one of the best ways for me to channel all this rage. I go to therapy every Friday at 9am, and I look forward to it every single week. I go on hikes, and recently I met someone who has been teaching me to find the life I’ve always wanted to live. I own my own business, though I could be putting more effort into it. Still, it’s nice to be my own boss and have a working space with calm, positive energy. I was stuck in a writer’s block that I am currently crawling out of and the poetry book we have been working on is almost complete. I wish I could say more, but you’ll learn all about it soon enough. I am trying my hardest to become someone you would be proud to be. Take care of yourself and practice patience. I am rooting for you. 

Love,