A letter to younger Jim,

Ahh yes…writing to myself as a youngster.  So many good times, but yet, the main thing I want to do is grab you and shake you and say “cmon man! get in the game!” lol. More on that in a bit. But moving on. I remember you being pretty shy in your high school days. Not always. But painfully shy in some instances. On the basketball court or on the baseball field, you were as much in your element as you could have been. Outside of that, not so much. You weren’t crazy about getting called in in class, and I wish you didn’t worry so much about giving speeches that you almost made yourself sick thinking about. And if a girl liked you, that was a GOOD thing. Not something to avoid, young Jim. I remember you purposely avoiding girls that liked you in junior high, or even friends of this person. Because you didn’t want to deal with them asking “did you talk to Michelle?”. I remember you hoping that the teacher wouldn’t call on you in some classes. But in others, you were vocal. Why not all the classes young Jim? Well, now young Jim, at my  job, I actively seek to give my opinion on things during meetings. I have the confidence to state my case on things, even to people higher up on the chain than you. And guess what? I’m usually right. And guess what again? YOU probably were right and informed back then, younger Jim.  I often say “if i could relive my high school days knowing then what I know now, it could have been more fun”. Thats true too. Don’t get me wrong- I enjoyed what we did in high school. We had fun. But young Jim, coulda been so much more fun  Not just talking with girls, but classes would have gone better, been more fun.  I guess we just weren’t quite ready to take on the world quite yet back than, huh?

Things have improved through the years. Your confidence has picked up. You’ve taken a “what the hell” approach to things at times. The unknown has become less of a fear for you. Same w change. You have adapted to change more lately. You’ve tried new things. New experiences. You have come to the belief that you are as good as anyone. That you don’t need to defer to anyone. At times, you are realizing the silliness of being so shy back in the day. But also, because you are so much older and wiser now (wink,wink), you also realize that maybe if you were brimming with confidence, that maybe cautious and unassuming young Jim might have been replaced by cocky and confident Jim..and maybe some bad decisions may have been made, and maybe some trouble would have been gotten into. So all in all, no regrets. No point in wishing away things about days that have already transpired, right? I think we have come a long way and made a lot of improvements. We are still working on that eye contact thing. But hey- step by step right? I promise you young Jim, older Jim is gonna keep growing. We’ve done good

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Dear Younger Self,Right now, you’re just getting used to the country world you live in North Carolina. Life seems simple. You listen to your parents. You have your sisters teaching you your ABCs and pretending that you’re in a classroom with toy animals, getting you prepared for kindergarten. As you become a kid. You enjoy the time you spend with your family and other relatives that give you a taste of their world and what it’s like. I wish I could tell you that your journey will be smooth sailing from your youth to your present self, but, I would be doing a big disservice to you by not telling you the truth in a genuine way.

From when you start school (and outside of school) you will endure countless challenges that will test your will and your mental strength. You will have a tough time making friends because you’re just wired differently from other kids. You will start to have doubts about yourself and believe that something is wrong with you.

You’ll ask yourself ”Why can’t I connect with most of my classmates? or ”Why are they so mean to me? I’m just trying to fit in and figure things out.

The world outside of school will slowly become harsher and meaner as you get older. You’ll have experiences like asking an adult if you can use their phone to call your dad after marching with your JROTC group, only for them to give you a nasty look and keep walking away. You’ll even experience harsh lessons with your own family members on how cold the world can be. The more reality tries to get you to accept these truths, the more defiant you become in not accepting these truths.

Your optimistic mind refuses to accept that it’ll always be this way. But, the relentless negative experiences will begin to wear you down throughout your middle school, high school & your early 20s. You will start to feel like you’re losing your core self, being around people who don’t have your best interests at heart and who love tearing down others. You’ll have many nights when you just break down and let out your pain, after holding in too much in for so long. But, don’t fret younger self, the story will get better.

Life will start to make sense in your mid-20s. You’ll start to see a way out of the tall forest. You’ll run into people who like you for you and who you can open up with on a deep level. Some people you’ll come across on the internet and others offline. They’ll even help you find out or rediscover who you really are. You’ll begin to blossom and have the courage to love yourself with pride & show it to the world (even if others don’t have that same love for you). You’re going to be battle-tested in ways you won’t believe. But, these battles will show you how strong and tough you really are. You won’t see it while you’re growing up, it’ll take years to see the results of your trials and tribulations. But you will see and be glad about your progress. You will also learn that guys who looked tough and strong, won’t last long on their journey. Some of them were killed in their early 20s being around an environment that doesn’t allow people to grow in a positive way. But you (and others) got out.

You have a long road ahead of you, but the destination will be so sweet when you get to your present self, and the best part is your present self is still growing and evolving. So to my younger bubbly self, I say rejoice and take your battles with glee. I wish I could have don’t that, knowing what I know now.

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A closet full of skeletons

I’ve got them by the hanger

Do you wish to see my morgue?

Come close 

The stench will drive you away

My mind’s dark crevices whisper incessantly 

“Unlovable” they hiss

Insistent I stay silent to abuse because 

I deserve it

I’m sitting in a red sofa chair

My therapist eyes directed at mine; concerned

“People don’t stay” I say

She responds, “Why do you believe that?”

“Because no one ever has”

The skeletons live in my head 

My brain tries on a new one each day

A different tactic to keep me trapped within myself

Are you sure you want to see?

This dark space in my mind is even locked from me

To my younger self:

Yes, I want to see

I want to know every part

Hug each one bone by bone

And love you

Take off the hood from the grim reaper you call your past

And you’ll find a little girl that has only ever wanted to be loved.

Don’t be scared 

make eye contact

Do you see her?

You are the same

I want to embrace your pain

And tell you its beautiful 

Because you are loved

By me

Your bumps and bruises

Are not things to be ashamed of

You are a mosaic full of stories

People are too scared to even think to be a part of 

You have done more than survive

The little light in you has thrived

In the darkness, when no one knew

You graduated

You found a job

You found a home

Imperfection has blossomed you 

Into something beautifully impermanent

A never ending sculpture

That you get to mold

Your mind is your own

And yes you will make mistakes

Blotches in your canvas will appear

And make your life that much more clear

That blotch of paint

The drop you accidentally let leave your brush

Turned into a scenery 

One beyond your wildest dreams

A map that is guiding you

To becoming your best self

I know life is full of unknowns

Change

Moments of loneliness

Pain

But there is also

Joy

Love

Goodness

Kindness

Don’t be afraid

For these are the stepping stones 

That bring you home

To yourself

And I’ll be with you every step of the way

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Dear my younger self,

You used to write letters to your future self every year based off what happened to you in your past. These letters were always centered around the pain that plagued you and the heartbreak that others caused you. They were meant to be warnings for me, a big red sign that read: DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN IT WILL BREAK YOU. But you know what I learned recently? I learned that any advice that strays from the human experience is not based off truth, but rather fear.

We are all little creatures in a beautiful, vast universe – this pain comes with the job title. Living in the future too much caused you an overwhelming amount of anxiety, but living in the past filled you with deep sadness and regret. What you failed to realize back then is that living in the present moment isn’t unproductive – it is peaceful.

I think you missed something very important in all those old letters. You forgot to mention that without sorrow there can not be rapture, without grief there can not be peace, and without heartbreak there can not be love. You were coming from a place of unfathomable hurt. In the end, it was you who needed a letter, not me.

So, this is what I wish I could have told you back then. Never forget you can handle anything life throws your way. It’s okay to feel weak, to break down and cry. It’s okay to have regrets. In fact you should have regrets because if you don’t then that means you’ve never tried anything worth losing yourself in. You are human and your deep capacity to feel is your strength, not your undoing. How lucky are you that you’re able to love the way you do, that you’re able to see the light in the dark, that you’re able to empathize with the sadness of others? How lucky are you that you’re able to laugh wildly, that you’re able to experience unmatched joy, that you’re so grateful sometimes you have to shed your tears in order to express it?

All the heartbreak, all the failures, all the terrible things that happened to you is what’s going to show you which direction to go in. All you have to do is follow the path I carved out for you. And trust me when I say I came out okay on the other side.

I am here today, full of love and hope, because of every good and bad and horrible and amazing thing that has ever happened to you. But I am also here because I refused to give up, because I kept going even when all I could do was crawl, because I envisioned a better future for myself and believed with everything I had in me that it was possible. I will leave you with one final thought: Anything and everything can be a catalyst for change. But it is up to you to take the shattered vase and glue it back together with gold.

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When I was a child, I was chubby, had a perpetually flushed face, and was the least athletically coordinated human on the planet, or at least the worst at Saint Joseph School. In the nine years I attended Catholic school, wearing plaid skirts, knee socks, and black Oxford shoes, I can fondly remember playing with my friends and excelling in academics. But I also remember my struggles. I think about the advice I wish I had, and the advice I hope to pass on to my daughter. I wish I knew that what is written on your report card doesn’t matter in adulthood. I wish I knew that most of my classmates were feeling just as awkward as I was. I wish I knew that they made lasers for red cheeks that burned brighter than the fire of a thousand suns. I wish I had these gems of knowledge tucked in my back pocket, or more accurately, tucked in the elastic band of my knee socks. So here it is: the advice I would tell my younger self. Listen up, Little Jessica.

1. Get comfortable saying “No.”
“No” is the most powerful word in the English language. When you say “No,” it doesn’t mean you don’t want to help, that you don’t care about the needs of others, or that you dislike someone. “No” is putting your needs first, and not over-committing to everyone else’s requests. “No” is setting boundaries that you are comfortable with, and acknowledging that it is not your responsibility to make everyone else happy. “No” is asserting yourself to not be coerced into actions, thoughts, or beliefs that don’t suit you. “No” is a part of life, and a freeing part, at that. So say it to the playdates you don’t want. Say it to the group member who won’t do their share of the work. Say it to the lunch lady who gave you mashed potatoes when you asked for fries. Say it kindly. Say it confidently. Say it with respect. But you must learn to say it.

2. If you believe you can’t, then you’re right, you can’t.
One of the greatest tools I have discovered is the ability to manifest, which is the ability to create ideas into reality. You can literally speak your every desire into existence. New cars, healthy relationships, even a cup of coffee. I do it every day. Manifesting is the greatest key to unlocking every hope and dream you have for your life: but you must believe. So make sure your attitude is one of gratitude. Count your blessings. Literally count them. I list 10 things I am thankful for every night before bed. The more you’re thankful for, the more you find you have to be thankful for. The big things, the little things, the seemingly insignificant things. Be thankful for passing your spelling test, the butterfly you saw during recess, or for arriving safely home from school. Being thankful and appreciative is a critical component in the positive attitude that creates continued blessings. So count up those blessings, and manifest a few more while you’re at it.

3. Know your worth.
This is the hardest for me, as it seems to be for many of us. If you asked people what it means to know their worth, they may all have very different answers. For me, it means realizing that you are deserving of respect. It’s having the self-confidence to be able to walk away from a toxic person or situation because you know that you deserve better. You have the ability to determine your worth in every situation: with your friends, your family, and one day at your job or in a relationship. Acknowledging that you are worthy of respect is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and it is truly the gift that keeps on giving. You will walk a little taller and speak a little louder because you have the confidence of self-worth. Remember, you are deserving of all the blessings life has to offer, because you are worthy of receiving them.

It’s hard to be a kid. You’re always told what to do and how to do it. Sit down. Stop talking. Stand in line. Don’t touch that. Play with these people. Kick a dodgeball like you have any athletic ability whatsoever. I’m sure today’s kids have it harder in a world of iPhones, TikTok, and 9-year-olds with contoured makeup. I thought we had it rough in the late ‘90s, when my greatest envy was my friend with her own phone line. Truthfully, I’m grateful that chapter of my life is over. No more gym class, no more math homework, no more plaid uniforms. To this day, I can’t stomach an Oxford shoe. So when I think of Little Jessica, wading through childhood angst in nine long years of “Catholic plaid,” I want to assure her that there are answers to her problems. All that she worries about, has a solution. I want teach her to be humble, to learn to meditate, to appreciate the power of prayer, to learn to laugh at herself, to wear the sunscreen, and to remember that pooping in a public bathroom is not nearly as mortifying as she thinks it is. But mostly, I want to kiss Little Jessica on her bright red cheeks that she hates so much, and say to her, “Sweetheart, they have lasers for that.”

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