Dear Mouse,

Why did I use the term ‘dear’ when speaking to you? I have no affection for you whatsoever.

Last night, I awoke to the sound of scratching and scuffling under my kitchen sink. Although it was not loud, the creepy feeling permeated my entire being. I woke my husband to investigate. My suspicions were correct. You had encroached in my space, leaving me feeling violated. My restful repose had fled, as you eluded his attempt to capture you. How dare you!

I find you repulsive, so don’t flatter yourself that you are my greatest fear-’musophobia’. I can’t explain why you terrify me so much. Let’s just call it a visceral reaction that goes beyond intellect. I am a logical woman and many times I have tried to analyze this irrational fear and conquer it. Alas, I failed.

The sight, sound, or suspicion that you or your kin are in my vicinity causes intense physical reaction. My pulse quickens, my breathing speeds up, and often my gag reflex kicks into high gear. The uncontrollable shiver that runs up and down my spine, bringing on ‘heebie-jeebies’, is ridiculous, I know.

How can I allow such a tiny creature, a hundredth of my size, to terrify me so? You don’t have vicious fangs or claws (okay, maybe on a miniature scale) that could do me much damage. Perhaps it’s the way you scurry about at warp speed, too quick, too unpredictable, freaking me out even in peripheral view. Maybe it’s the thought of you lurking about unseen, assessing your surroundings, figuring out your next move, and spying on me.

Don’t start tooting your own horn when I mention you are a master escapologist, slipping through the smallest openings, to invade spaces where you are not welcome; and elude capture.

I will acknowledge that you are not out to get me. It’s cold outside, and you need food and shelter, I get that. However, I implore you to remain in your natural habitat: straw bales, barns, abandoned buildings, dense brush. Rodents would love these places, and barnyard animals tolerate sharing space.

So here’s the deal. Take heed to my warning. I have now planted several varieties of traps in many spots, whose location I shall not divulge to you; we have launched a thorough investigation around the perimeter of our home, sealing up every nook and cranny; and last, but not least, we have placed our two feline furries on high alert to keep you and your family and friends at bay. Spread the word.

I am regaining control-I will not allow you to defeat me. Fear only has as much power as I allow it to possess. I will begin each day with calming meditation and my mantra:

“You are only a mouse, and I am stronger than you.”

Respectfully distant,

The Conqueror

My writing style score was 100%