I don’t think I will ever have THAT kind of strength again. As I review every month in my mind – my eyes water, my heart stings, I can’t breathe.
With each passing month, I ebb between gladness and sorrow. I push through. My mind fogs some, and I’m grateful. Clarity hurts. To believe in Truth and then have it snatched away is a punch, confusing at best.
I know that stillness heals. Not at first, but in time. Though kindness is at bay, I reach and hope for connection.
When darkness falls, I refuse to give in. I stay alert. I stay here.
I am tender under the weight. I see you too. There is more. The work, the very hard work, and the claiming pay off. Let’s finish well. Forgive.
Jump start tomorrow. Keep believing this path is good and necessary and yours. Announce it. The line no longer matters.
I hear the cheers. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
© Stephanie Connors
Midnight written March 2020

life how quickly and swiftly things can change within a snap of a finger your life can never, may ever not be the same the day i got questioned into thinking my thinking wasn’t even my own thinking

of being on earth but listen there’s two things in this world being sane or insane but crazy is what most people would say or label you just because of one bad episode you had within your own television show

you watched that personal day the show wasn’t really that good but in the ending why did it end badly?

Like some people would question and say but that’s just like people who can’t help but control majority of their emotions and feelings when they don’t know what’s GOING ON , ON, TURN ON!!!!

that television for what’s about to happen that day but then comes drama in every show

now all of a sudden all things change the character, the time, the places, the plot even the EPISODE NAME but CRAZY is what you, you, him, her, she, them, they, whatever what people would say

because you don’t recognize change you don’t know how it feels to be sane then insane then
crazy for that specific day but SPECIAL BEING, Great individual, Intelligent person, caring, motivational, humanitarian, lovely is one word to
call it

Especially when it comes to me Tionna Elandria Hilliard you don’t recognize or could even acknowledge mental health as being crazy or insane like almost every ignorant person would think to say or rub off on special being in a way

I have smelled early morning dew.
I have felt rain on a cold and sunny day.
I have seen a babe be born.
I have been held by a mother whose presence was all that was needed.
I have watched nature and its peak of beauty.
I have also watched nature at its cruelest.
I have seen Many amazing sunrises.
I have seen just as beautifully, the sun set.
I have touched the face of those with frowns.
I have worn magnificent gowns.
I have felt the muscles of a horse beneath me.
I have tasted the berries and fruit so sweetly.
I have laughed with loved ones.
I have cried with loved ones.
I have married my worst enemy.
I have also married my best friend.
I have had sorrow.
I’ve had joy that never ends.
I have a sang million songs.
I have traveled near and far away.
I have had my heart broken.
I have broken a heart.
I have met thousands of people.
I have lost a few.
I have lost many times in life, just as much as I have won.
I have accepted Christ as my Savoir and learned about the Son.
So it’s not the things that I have done that I regret, but those I have yet to do!

It is a motto that I’ve come to greatly cherish across the span of time I’ve been on this earth. It keeps me grounded, especially when I find myself feeling overwhelmed by the troubles that decide to surface in each passing day. One day at a time. A simple phrase, but a powerful reminder that I don’t need to reach for the worries of the morrow. That’s right. I only need to focus on what’s right in front of me in this increment of time. It also tells me that even if the ‘day’ itself seems too long, I can break it down even further. Yes; to the hours, minutes, and seconds. Sometimes, it’s the very thoughts of these that help one to hang on by a thread. Like a friend that holds your hand, gives it a squeeze, and reminds you to breathe.

The gravitational pull
To something merely as
The birth of a star,
Could it be the poisoning rain
With the parasitic thoughts
That suggest otherwise?
Or the light that illuminates the darkness
That never had the empowerment
Of a savior to its own?
How about the adrenaline
From a sky dive momentum
That compels your weakness
To be worn as a tattoo…
The art of letting go precisely
Beckons the angel of death
Despite the strength to walk on water.
It is apparent to the bravery
Against the war ahead?
Nothing is ostensible
When it harbors a purpose.

To The World,

I wanted to tell you that I love my job and I love my home. I love my jeep and my boat and my 2 little dogs and my husband. For the first time in my life ever I feel like I’m on stable ground. I feel secure in my job and in my marriage. I make really good money and my husband supports me and cares about me.
What I wanna say next is gonna be hard for me cuz it brings me back to the evening I called my last lawyer and told her I don’t wanna fight for my daughter in court anymore. I cried into the phone pretty much broken and I told her that I’d rather be happy than be right so that’s what I really want. My mother told me that I chose my husband over my own daughter even after spending over 9 years in court to fight for her. So she’s right! I chose a man over my kids. I chose to move on. She’s absolutely right! It’s not an easy thing to say cuz she did that to me and I’m so unbelievably sorry if my baby girl feels that way. I know how that feels. It like breaks you from the inside out. I really wish she didn’t feel like that. What I really wish is that she knew how much she means to me. Cuz if she can feel what I feel, my heart is pretty much broken without her.

I chose a man over my kids! I will say that a million times if it means that I will break that cycle!

My mom told me once that I study the word from my mind! Maybe she was right about that too but not anymore. I just wanna know why I never ever saw a Bible in her hand. She never studied all the heroes from the past. She never told me that after Noah got off the ark that he got drunk and fell asleep naked outside his tent. She never told me that David’s family never believed in him and was even condescending to him. She never told me that Joseph forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery only after their acts of repentance. And she never told me that when you choose to give your life to Christ, a certain conviction is released in your soul that transforms who you are. All she ever talked about was “forgive and forget!” Tell me why I shouldn’t practice what she preached now. That I should forgive her and forget her too! All my life, I have been searching for a lifeline and I thought it was her but it wasn’t cuz she cut it in half over and over and over again.

She told me once that I was nothing but a crybaby and you know what. She was right about that too! But at least I cried! And she was a really big part of that. I can’t go around acting like nothing is wrong anymore. I can’t bury things under the rug anymore. God can’t forgive anyone if it’s still hidden under there! With absolutely no acknowledgement, no repentance, no answers. No change!

I do agree that this huge division in our family comes from judgements. My daughter judging me, me judging her! Everyone in the family judging each other. Honestly it’s easy to bring up what happened 30 years ago when I’m the one being judged today. Especially since it’s never ever been resolved. I guess in the end that really doesn’t matter. What matters to me was that it was a really terrible thing that happened but I was the only one who stood by my mother after I had to testify to put my stepfather in prison for sexually abusing me. I was the only one who defended her for years. I never cared what her part was in it because the only thing I saw was how much it hurt her. I would never wish that on anyone. But she did that to me because of a judgment that was never ever resolved. That she never resolved. She agreed to testify against me in the custody trial over my daughter’s custody case just so she can prove that I’m just as bad as her. If she needs to portray me as this person who’s just as bad as her, then I’m good with that. I’m human and I know I make mistakes. I’m flawed and I’m not always right. But I never agreed to testify against her. That was never ever my choice and it destroyed me for years after. She turned her back on me and helped my daughter judge me after I stood by her for so long. We are not the same.
But I do forgive her for my own peace of mind. I forgive her, like I always have!

Matthew chapter 18: 21-22 says that Peter asked the Lord how many times may my friends sin against me and how many times must I forgive them. The Lord answered him, I say to you not 7 times but 70 times 7.
When I think about this verse, I think about her!
I really don’t want to forgive her. But I will. I will because the devil don’t want me too. I will because I’m done with my walk of shame! But most of all, I want my freedom like God promised! I will because i choose Grace instead of retaliation, like her! I’m doing it because she doesn’t have much longer on this earth & I want both of us to have Peace before she goes!

And honestly, what I have learned in the whole grand scheme of things is that I want to do it for nothing in return. I don’t need her approval. I don’t need her validation. I don’t need her acceptance. I don’t need her apology. I don’t need her respect. I don’t even need a response. I don’t need it from anyone but myself! Anything she has, I don’t want anymore. I used to need all of that in a bad way. That’s why I kept going back to her. But I know now that she can’t give me what she does not have!

Wanda Mulvaney

Dear You,
From the day you were born, you had trouble.
Your parents always told you, “if you were the first you would have been the last.”
Your siblings always called you “fat lips” or “venus fly trap.”
Your friends always criticized you for asking “stupid” questions.
The hard truth is, you just didn’t know.
You thought you were going to be the highschool dropout, the failure of the family, the
kid that people always called “not the brightest crayon in the box” because you couldn’t read, or
write, or count, or do anything in particular.
Your looks were average, your learning capabilities were below average, so what could
you do to make it to the top of the food chain?
Absolutely nothing.
Cry yourself to sleep, harm yourself until your Mom screams at you and your Granny
tells you how disappointed she is. But it’s okay, you only wanted the attention anyway.
To feel loved, really.
You went from school, to school, to school.
Teachers could not teach,
Kids laughed at you for getting the answer wrong,
And you hated yourself.
Your favorite color was blue, you loved to read, and lacrosse was your escape from
reality.

You finally found your way up the food chain, you were athletic, you were called a
daredevil for the crazy things you did, but sometimes, you felt scared.
Mom and Dad wanted you to play lacrosse in college, but you were barely getting
through elementary school, middle school, high school. Everything was so pointless and you just
wanted to lay in bed until your Dad yelled at you to do something, anything, anywhere.
You found joy when you got two kittens. You named them Sassy and Buddy. They helped
you through the pandemic.
You got to snuggle them and they would never tell you anything that you didn’t want to
hear.
They only ever loved you.
You were diagnosed with mental disorders and learning disabilities.
Buddy had emergency surgery. He didn’t make it. Neither did your old dog, Lexi. Your
world shattered.
You vowed to cherish your animals for as long as possible. You vowed to take photos of
them whenever you could. You never know when they will leave this world.
You tried to be happy for the people around you. For your friends, your siblings, your
parents and teachers and anyone else who cared. It was always so, so hard.
You rediscovered your love for writing. Your teacher at your new school cared about you
and looked out for you. You made new friends. You committed to a college to play lacrosse. You
felt like you were healing.
You got into that college. You went to a suicide victim’s funeral, and then another. You
became angry at them, for leaving such a beautiful world. But then you remembered how ugly it
had been to you.

You moved away to college. You went to your Grand Dad’s funeral. You had a hard time
fitting in. You had to put down one of your horses at home on the farm. Your confidence was
faltering. But your academics were the only thing that mattered.
A’s and B’s. No more, no less. If you fail, your whole life would be for nothing. Your
dreams would be lost. Fail and you lose.
You enter your second year of college, and you confessed to your teammate that you
weren’t happy. You confessed to yourself at that moment, and you cried. She tells you that she
loves you, and she’ll help you get through this. Your other teammates are nicer to you, they talk
to you and involve you in things. It makes you happy to feel loved.
Even when it may not be real.
In your heart it’s real. It will help you feel better about yourself.
You vowed to love everyone so they never feel how you did for your entire life.
You vowed to heal.
Your journey isn’t over, and you have a long way to go. But through the ups and downs
you finally feel like you’re ready to find peace with yourself.
Dear You,
Thank you for loving you when no one else would.
You’ve been through so much.

Best,

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained
Inside the heart, the want is framed
Inside the mind to reason clear
To build the will to lose all fear

Nothing good with ease you gain
Risk arrives enrobed in pain
And all the hoops through which we dive
Are returns we seek to recognize

Undaunted in the quest we find
The soul’s desire to impel the mind
Toward the goal ahead so near yet far
To win each battle and embrace the scars

The war is real with weapons few
So we cross the lines to make the coup
For nothing ventured nothing gained
And the win we find is worth all the pain

There is a pair of shoes that only you can fill that others can’t fit into!

Meaning:

In life challenges there are people that you can reach and inspire that others can’t.

16 years old being taken from my mom.
”what did I do mom?”
moving from place to place.
asking my caseworker if I’ll ever be happy again,
never getting an answer.
some places I would have to stay at,
I would get my life ripped from me.
even times where,
they would hurt me.
but every caseworker I ever had,
if I told them I would be told,
”you’re just looking for attention.”
but I wasn’t.
when I turned 18 they couldn’t find me a placement.
so they told me
we are probably gonna leave you,
to live on the streets.
that terrified me thinking, am I that horrible?
I decided I would go get a job.
if they won’t help me, I’ll help myself.
but right as I got a job
my caseworker told me I’m apparently
not allowed to get a job.
I told them I understood but kept the job behind their backs.
eventually they found a place for me.
so I packed my one bag together and went with them there.
right from the start I had my guard up.
I went to independent living apartments so I was stuck with workers still.
at least I have my own little apartment.
continuing to push myself in work and school.
learning to count on myself instead of others for help.
starting in my free time writing.
reflecting on what has all happened.
”I still don’t understand why I was treated like this.”
”this is why I wanna be a caseworker”
”show kids more respect and what kindness feels like”
now 19 years old starting college late September
moved into an adult foster home with lovely folks who I consider family.
starting to experience what happiness and love actually feels like.
loving myself for who I am.
knowing nobody needs to change for others.

We often live our lives with expectations someone else set for us.
“Do you have children?”
“What do you do for work?”
“Are you married?”
Overly asked common questions.
When responded with “no,” it’s met with judgment as those tools are what we use to commonly measure the success of a person.
“Are you happy?”
A question that is rare but important.
I found joy within myself when I stopped following what was expected of me and began living for what made my soul shine.
Expressing my creative side
That’s why I exist
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures
Why should I feel ashamed for what brings me a glimmer of glee?
When I die I don’t want to be remembered as an individual who was stuck in a pattern of endless misery
I want to be remembered as the peculiar girl who lived life blissfully
I get one life and I don’t plan to waste it by living it in a way that isn’t true to who I am

“People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.”- Bob Dylan

A lot of people resist transition and therefore never allow themselves to enjoy who they are , a quote from an activist who wanted the youth to live their lives without fear of change because it will only slow you down.
Im a profit of her words
In life i’ve found myself at many brick walls and turned back around
Never in life had I changed that

Day by day week by week month by month
…I stood there and turned around

The ongoing standing was a fixed routine
My feet knew exactly where to go each day .. but my mind didn’t

I didn’t know what I wanted from walking I just kept going
I didn’t know what was the purpose so I stopped

I remember my last day at this wall vividly because i didn’t turn around and walk away
I stood there and searched

I search for answers and got nothing I searched for a image and saw nothing

I knew that if I somehow moved this wall things would change
I feared change

Ironically I feared something that was of stranger to me
What if it wasn’t so scary??

What if this place was my eureka ??
I asked myself so many questions in temptation

So I marched back up to the wall and I didnt stop my feet
I began to climb it

Each time I gained more strength to go higher I felt relief
Relief from everything this wall blocked

I got over it and change hit me in the best way possible
Over the wall was a life I wasn’t used to.. was a life I was ready to explore
As soon as I got over I felt like Id belong
I no longer resisted my transition. I was so happy .. I am so happy

Over that wall was me
A version of me that was genuinely happy
This version wasn’t closed off she was vibrant and open
She was me yet different
She meant something to herself and that meant something to me
I now know what I could’ve been if I were to remain behind that wall

I am this free spirited person I am someone who seen different
I am this person who does not run into many wall nor do I ever but if I were to I would not stand in front of it and walk off
I would simply search it and climb over it
I would not go back and forth from this wall waiting for something to happen yet
I know the moment I see a wall I will not be seeing it again cause I will ascend I will make progress over that wall
I Will not resist transition because I’ve see true joy in myself from the change of transition
So I live by this quote because it’s just showing me how to live …
A lot of people resist transition and therefore never allow themselves to enjoy who they are a quote from an activist who just wanted people to know their worth

Cold, antiseptic air crushes down upon my chest
as barely padded steel pushes back from the other side,
effectively pinning my teenage body to a table
in a darkened room I don’t want to be in.
A heartbeat pounds in my ears— too fast
to be mine, yet instantly mine.
I watch the screen flutter with blurred vision,
regret for what I was there to do soaking my shamed face,
igniting a fierce protectiveness older than time.
My mind reaches outward to thank God
for orchestrating my enlightenment
and the pressure dissipates, replaced by determination that’s both weightless and dense.
Visions of my future shift faster than high-frequency sound images freeze and unfreeze,
their light searing fate’s Morse code into my consciousness
and I know with absolute certainty that any plans I had dreamt up
before this moment were imagined for an alternate self—
one who wasn’t yet strong enough to tackle life for two.

Dear Grandma,

She believed she could, so she did.

I remember the palm-sized wall art of this quote you gifted me and its journey. Lost years ago, as we were cleaning out your house, it lives now only in my mind. My thoughts can easily travel back to when you gave it to me.

Back in time, a knock sounded at my door as I decorated my desk with crystals and a photograph of my boyfriend and me.

“Someone’s here to see you,” the office manager told me.

As I turned toward the door, I saw you in a bright blue pantsuit that matched your vibrant personality.

“Grandma!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

I recall your embrace and wish I could return to that hug.

You stepped back, examining me. “I heard you started working here and saw this little sign. It reminded me of you, and I thought it could inspire you on your desk.”

Reading the sign aloud, “She believed she could, so she did,” I couldn’t help but reflect on my career aspirations. I always had different plans for my life than answering phones at a plumbing company. It’s essential work but not the path I’d always wanted to take.

On this day, your kind eyes had a hint of sadness beneath them. You’d just lost the love of your life: your husband and my Papa. After his passing, all of our smiles contained a tinge of sadness. The love among us all was magic, but the magic had lost some spark.

When you love big, you lose big.

As this memory fades, I transport myself to the next part of the sign’s journey. I wish I had asked you to stay for a moment longer.

I was walking into your hospital room, which had become your new home after brain surgery.

Hoping you would remember me that day, I reached for your hands as I sat before you.

“Hi, Grandma,” I said in a gentle tone. “I brought you something.” Pulling the sign out from my back, I displayed it for you.

She believed she could, so she did.

I placed the art on the ledge below your window. “Do you remember when you gave me this sign when I started a new job? I think you need it more now. Maybe if you see it by your window every day, it will help.”

I’ll never know if the sign helped you, but the dreamer in me hopes it brought you peace.

I hope it reminded you of the enduring love you and Papa created. You both made a legacy that will continue past your deaths. You brought love and unbreakable bonds into the world, which is magic in a time of such division.

They say we take nothing when we pass, but I don’t think the sentiment is always true.
Sometimes, we take a little piece of the hearts of those we left behind.

As we celebrate holidays without you now, I know our hearts are emptier than before. We attempted to fill the void when we chose our favorite belongings from your house to put in our homes. Books to sit on our shelves, decorations to live on our mantles, and Christmas ribbon to decorate our trees. These shared memories and belongings connect us, even in your absence.

We all think of you as we decorate our trees with your Christmas ornaments. The endless love you gave us stamped our hearts like a tattoo, and your signature phrases have become our own.

We’ll teach our kids what you taught all of us.

“Stick together.”

“Love each other through anything – through everything.”

We’ll all fill our children’s and grandchildren’s hearts like you filled ours.

It’s our job now to continue the magic you created and reignite the spark.

We’ll do it because we believe we can, and we believe we should.

I like to think you were greeted by Papa and your dad when you fell asleep for the last time.

When I take my last breath, I hope you greet me.

I’ll smile and tell you: “Grandma, I believed I could, so I did.”

Love,
Rachael