I stand battered and bruised just for a moment. Turn to face my reality from where I just came. To stare at a monstrous land. A landscape full of dark, gnarly woods. Swamps of tar that boil and sputter. Thorns are ready to pierce the flesh. Full of shadowy creatures that lie to grab anyone in their path.

This land that I have created from an enormous imagination. For my fears give it fuel to thrive. Fears through every stage of life. One fear from childhood is of not being loved. Where it was said three magic little words. There was no amount of action behind those words. All in extreme opposite of your loving home.

A fear from adolescence is of abandonment. Have been denied in public and denounced as a daughter. My grandmother who gave her last breath. Being left behind and all alone. Another would simply be atelophobia. Multiple regrets as the past rears its ugly head from young adulthood. The most gut wrenching fear is losing my sanity again. Where all my nightmares come to play with me. My fears rule supreme in my very core.

Fear generates its evil intent. To destroy peace of mind, even your self-worth. How is it? That I have made it thus far? I must truly appreciate my family and trusted friends. Who shown me a love that I can trust. To those who were patient with me. Strangers that were kind. Loved ones who saw my struggle but believed in me. I must not let them down. Fight instead of flight just to be whole.

My faith has always given me hope. A hope that overcomes the fear and stills my pounding heart. By realizing my truth. That I am no longer a victim but a survivor of circumstance. Noticing events were out of my control. I stopped blaming myself. Determination was a major player in taking back my power.

As I look back over that treacherous terrain. I realized how I managed fear through it all. By carrying on my journey through life. I turn away to face a gargantuan mountain called healing. Towards an astonishing new horizon. My journey from this point onward begins anew.

Turning back the clock. To where I was never the same. I found myself alone in the woods. Locked in battle with my mind. Where the voices drove me onward till at last lost. Lost to a fake reality. Subjected to cruelty of their words. All out of my sanity. Then forced to be locked away. Without knowing why. Thinking loved ones forsaken me. That heaven was going to reject me. The devil was on the prowl. Yes!!! Forever changed by that nightmare. To be withdrawn into myself. But also more humble and kind. Never ill wishing towards anyone. To stop and listen. To think before I speak. Never judge anyone’s circumstances. To find a quiet resilience. A strength I never knew I had. Learning that the mind can be a dangerous place. But with the right help can change anything around.

Listen
I remember a beast with a foul tongue.
Everyday an endless torment.
Scorching with hateful words.
Digging deeper still.
Till at last I find you hidden.
We are one and the same.
I am here to remind you.
That you are loved beyond measure.
It wasn’t your fault.
You have always been innocent.
Just looking for acceptance.
That I adore, your singing little songs.
How curious you were about nature.
I loved most was how gentle you were.
Quick witted, bright, tried with all your might.
How your smile would beam.
That you were shy with strangers like a closed bud.
Unless you knew them well.
The bud when turns into an open flower.
Your an amazing survivor.
Have turned tragedy into victory.
By simply being uniquely you.
My! How stunning you shine.
I saved all your tears in a bottle.
To place it in God’s palm.
Never doubt His love, luv.
Just remember to keep an open heart and listen.