My dear old adversary, forgive me if I speak candidly about our relationship. If I don’t tell you these things now I may fail to do so in my future. I do not want to hold a grudge forever.
Where do I begin? Do I begin with your betrayal? Do I show my collection of hash marks? One for every time you let me down. Do I shout at you with rage? Spit my hatred at you? Allow my soul to brim with anger at the very mention of all the things you have yanked from my life?
My list is long, and filled with things of mine I’m sure you consider mundane and unimportant. “Things” like my older brother, you didn’t give enough of yourself so he could live. You let his clock stop ticking much too soon for a good person such as him. That boy deserved more from you.
You failed to allow my parents to reconcile. You withheld your patience from them. You instead gave their relationship a speedy divorce. They may have been so happy today, if only you were patient.
You rushed me along in life, as I’m sure you do most people. I lost my youth somewhere along the way fighting to keep up with your death march.
Then, instead of speed, why did you drag your feet. When my world was on the rocks and I was on an operating table you took your dear sweet self. Oh, how did I make it though those long, lonely nights in stir. Feeling like Mary Shelly’s monster, and you twiddling your thumbs in indifference.
My hate for you, I loathe you, detest you! Yet, if I turn my back on you I know the consequences. I know what happens to people when you part ways with them. I would be gone and you, still smug as ever, would go on as you always do. Oh, the ravages of you.
That is where I began. Those words of pain and regret. Sentences of anxiety and insecurity. Where am I now?
Saying all this out loud, I hear myself. For the first time in a long time I can see. I see myself as I am now. As for who I was, how I became, that person. You are not to blame. I am.
Why am I angry with you? It is I that should be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. I have looked upon our business with anger, fear, and jealousy. Not anymore. I want us to meet again, and this time I will see you as a comrade, not an enemy. I will no longer allow our relationship to be tainted because of
my feelings toward you. I want to reforge our relationship in a new fire.
Time, please forgive me.
Looking at you now, I know I need to drop to my knees and cry out to the heavens a great thanks to you. You have allowed me to continue on, even though I curse you. I damn your name while I abuse you in the worst way, by wasting you. Yet, you still give me every day, hour, minute, and second. All the pieces of you that I need to succeed in my life You are not the conniving monster of many faces that I have feared you to be all these years. No, You are the thing that comes and heals wounds. Although there will always be scars, without you I would be left with painful open gashes that never mend.
I am so sorry Time.
I have wasted your precious gifts you have heaped upon me. Those seven great years with my older brother. Allowing me the luxury of keeping my other wonderful siblings. Helping me find my cancer just in the nick of, well, you. Giving more of yourself so I could overcome that terrible growth inside me. I
am sorry that after you did all that I allowed another growth to take over. The growth of envy and resentment to you and others around me.
How could I be so blind? I need to throw myself at your feet. Thank you for allowing me one more moment on this earth with my friends, family and the love of my life, my wife. I think I understand now. This is where I am. A place of understanding of how you have helped me not condoned me.
So where am I going? I am headed to that realm of place and possibility. Where I can let go of my dark feelings for you and embrace our new relationship with all my heart. A future where I know you give what you can and I will be grateful for every single speck of you that you can sacrifice for me.
Every time I scratch my dogs ears and see him lean into it with pleasure, I will be grateful. As my cat knocks priceless heirlooms off a bookshelf, I will chase him off and be grateful.
How days at work will be long and hard, but I will put my back into it and be grateful. Grateful that you still give yourself to me.Every morning upon waking up I will fling myself at your
feet. Thank you for allowing me to bear witness to another day. I will be filled with the utmost gratitude that you did not slip out in the night, and let me slumber for all eternity. I am here
for one more day. Thank you.
Time, I am in debt to you forever. Thank you.
I agree with you Jordan time can sometimes make anyone feel angry because sometimes it moves too slow for us and sometimes it moves very fast and always a time when we don’t want it. Like for example time would move extremely slow if I was at a job I didn’t like. Then when I’m having fun with my family it moves very fast. Time gives off to many feelings that we can’t control when we hear see or talk about it. But no matter what time is continuously ticking.
yep, time has a mind of its own. I found instead of being angry or upset about it, just give thanks you have any of it all. Even a few seconds to take in something that may change your life may be enough. of course there is that quote, “It’s never to late to be who we might have been.” and time sometimes allows us to to just that. thank you for reading my letter.