Dear Fear,
We have traveled together for a while now. I remember when you were born. When the excitement of the “surprise” promised to me by that first group of friends – chosen for me when I was just a child -turned into a circle of hate and scorn. A gift meant only for me. For just existing. For existing as me. It was at that Moment on the verge of accepting that this world was now one I was meant to travel alone, well that’s when you showed up, and intertwined your fingers with mine, leading me away from what sought to destroy me towards what you called divine. A silent promise that no matter how many times the world turned its back on me, you would always be there. And so I intertwined my fingers right back, and let you lead the way. I wasn’t alone anymore. In return for your companionship I fed you and held you tight, and carried you with me through each step of my life. A security blanket as I made my way through my life, to hold onto when things were too hard and the world told me time and time again that they didn’t know what to do with me – you served as a reminder that its shunning was justified – because what wasn’t good enough was me.
You stayed by my side through His abuse, ensuring I didn’t leave what He convinced me was love, though I tried. You soothed me and told me to stay, for being locked away with him was better than what was outside. And when I finally found the courage to step out on my own, once more just as me, well, you left me alone. Watching silently from the sidelines when my calling finally came knocking, and the world suddenly opened its arms to me. A new Emotion’s hand then did I hold, as I was led into the future by Joy. Yet you came back once again this time with devotional full force when I, just an innocent new teacher trying on her wings for the first time, overcome with passion and excitement for finally finding her place in the world was suddenly confronted by the One who handed me those wings to take flight. Seeing my innocence as too much to want to feed, she instead, feather by feather, took them away. A painful reminder perhaps of what she had lost, weighed down on her path paved by her own ambition and greed. Better to beat my Joy out of me than have to face the reality of her pain. And the beatings continued as I tried harder and harder to prove myself to the world once again – yet perhaps none as brutal as the ones that came from me. Black and blue I continued, until black and blue became me. And you held me close all the while, reminding me over and over again that when the world turned its back on me you would always remain. I hugged you back so tightly this time that instead of a companion,you became a part of me – became mine. So enmeshed have we become in this life that I forgot you even existed. I just thought you were me.
But I’ve remembered you again as situations meant to break me once more came knocking at my door (and almost succeeded, if I’m being honest with you) – but just at that Moment where I nearly gave up and willingly opened that door…I remembered who you are. I saw you. I saw you comfortably sitting on your throne in the home you created in the depths of my innocent soul. Grateful to be forgotten, so you could live your life in peace, while I continued to weather the storm. But I see you now Fear – older now and more defined by the lines of [y]our age – but I see you and I recognize you for who you are. And the truth is I don’t hate you – but I’m showing you the door. A home inside me is no longer a place for you to reign. This is not where you live -no! – this home is where Jenna Devi is Queen. And as I take your hand and lead you to the threshold of you and me, I’m going to hold you tight one last time, my old friend, come close now and hold me back like you always do, as I hold the key to my freedom from you.
I hesitate just a moment, as I begin to open our door – and yes, I see that twinkle of Hope escape from your eyes, and I know what that twinkle is for. But I won’t let you silence me anymore. So listen closely, for I have something to say, and I’ll look you straight in those sparkling eyes as I do – don’t you dare turn away! For you see, while you’ve been a part of me, all I’ve ever known, a part of me is afraid of the emptiness you’ll leave and who I’ll be once you’re not with me anymore. And yes I see that twinkle growing stronger as I admit to you my truth, but continue listening close for I’m not done speaking to you. This time I won’t be seduced by your glow. I’m strong now you see, I can do this on my own. Because while you were getting comfortable in my true home, I remembered something else, something even you had never truly known. I remembered who the fuck I am. Jenna Devi. A sensitive warrior with a heart that is pure. A woman whose birthright is not to be kept knocked to the ground. This Jenna Devi – she was born to soar.
And so one last embrace before I open the door. As I stare you straight in those familiar eyes one last time with all the feeling left inside of me as I do, a parting gift – a piece of me to keep I’m gifting to you. Right here, right now, without any of your Fear…with all of my truth, I’m telling you it’s time for you to go.
As I close the door behind you and turn around to see what’s left, well… I don’t know. I simply don’t. But I’m ready to step into that unknown. And I’m ready to be held as Jenna – not down – but together, with and by those that want to see me soar as they fly next to me into this new world that’s been waiting to be explored.
So goodbye, Fear. You were never mine to hold. I’m fragile, yes, but I’m not broken anymore.(And thank you for the journey that led me back to me once more).
Jenna Devi
ProWritingAid Syle Score: 83%