For the longest time, I’ve had a fear of being perceived. When I noticed anyone noticing me, I would freeze. Whatever I was doing would cease. This would continue on until I reached my twenties. Having many gifts of expression can become overwhelming because you aren’t sure of where to start.
Since I was a child, I have always had a love of writing, singing and movement. I treated each of these journeys as a singular path, not truly realizing how connected all of my skills were in the world of the arts. I would sing with my sister, Imani, into the late hours of the night. Imani would come home from school and teach me the skills she learned in vocal training.
Although I was a writer, I didn’t understand the concept of songwriting. I was fluid in the art of writing short stories, poems, and essays. The concept of songwriting used to make my head ache. I would begin thinking too much about the structure of the song, the melody and the lyrics. It all seemed a difficult skill to master. Until I met someone that gave me an opportunity to create something new. He asked if I wanted to create my very own musical EP.
It was time to put myself to the challenge and treat this as I would any writing assignment. It was necessary to dial down the doubts playing in my mind. When I selected the instrumentals, the words flowed effortlessly. By allowing myself to flow and not worry about mistakes, I discovered how creative I could be.
My inner dialogue improved as I allowed myself to embark on this newer journey. Treat yourself as you would treat your favorite person in the world. I began reading more books that supported having a healthier mind. By taking the time to observe my own thoughts and making adjustments has been the reason I could say yes to trying songwriting.
I had to switch my mindset to listen to the music and the melody the way a singer would. It felt like I dialed into a radio station while listening to the beats simultaneously. I began hearing lyrics and a fresh flow for each track. It was at this moment I realized I was allowing myself to flow. Once I solidified how I wanted everything to sound, I got into the studio and recorded each song.
Although the journey has just begun, I truly am grateful for where this has led me so far. I have met quality people that share in my love of art and music. This new chapter in my life is called Bloom.

Pro Writing Score:100%

Dear My Greatest Fear,

It took me a long time to write this letter. What we have is a long-term game of tug-of-war. You came into my life when I turned ten years old and that’s when the thick rope appeared. The rope of chronic-illness and constant pain wrapped around my spinal cord and flipped my world inside-out. With each sharp pain, you tug and I bend. The tugs became so strong that I needed surgical intervention. In hopes, to aid in my relief, I tugged the rope back and you bended. I took the rope and pulled with all my strength. Physical Therapy, chiropractor, lidocaine injections, exercise, acupuncture, Botox, painkillers and muscle relaxers have come part of my routine. Despite all the tugging I have done, your pull is stronger.

I’m unable to escape the pains. Wherever I go, you are right nearby, watching my every move. We’ve been living this life in parallel to one another, experiencing birthdays, holidays and special occasions. You stand in the shadows of every corner, checking on me. Making sure you can catch me in my most vulnerable state. Like a thief in the night, you steal away my joy, my hope, and my thirst for life.

Each morning, I wake up, wondering how long I have until you creep into my system. How long do I have until it pinches to breathe again? How long until the next stomach flare up? Will I be able to go to dinner without leaving in tears? Mourning, the life I never had because of you. I’m left in a state of uncertainty about my future. Each time I make progress and tug more at the rope of chronic illness, you develop more strength to pull me back. If I wanted to see changes, I had to adjust how I looked at the picture.

Using the power of spoken word, I began speaking a different perspective over my life. With the combination of therapy, mentorship and reading self-help books, I no longer viewed chronic illness as an enemy. If anything, I discovered it was more of a regulator. Each person has a limited amount of energy they can spend daily. As an individual with chronic illnesses, my day starts at a physically lower point of energy. Knowing this allows me to prioritize what I focus my attention on.

When your body doesn’t cooperate, the way you’re used to, it can be mentally taxing. It’s important to get to a place of acceptance. By me getting up after each flare up to complete my day, I consider that a tug at the rope and me winning. Every day, I find newer ways and combinations to fight off the fear of chronic pain. Every yoga pose, stretch, outfit I wear and meal I eat are all ways to combat it. Will I ever beat you? I’m not sure, but I will spend my the rest of my life dedicated to finding better relief. I will never give up because I want and expect to live a quality life with or without you.

Sincerely,

Jaymillyrock