For the longest time, my garden was in a drought

Sometimes I thought I wasn’t meant to grow

Every time I had a drip of success, I would not follow up with more

Inconsistent, not believing I can achieve anything

Having limited beliefs kept me at a level only I could seeI guess eye level, some would say to me,

The sum (some) was the voices of doubt in my head

Subtracting my motivation having divided on what should I do

Leaving me feeling empty with no rest in sight multiple times

That was a fraction of the time, actually that was most of the time

Alright, it was like 99.9%

The whole time (100%) well, the entire time I would lie to everyone, including

My-self, I that was fine

But II’ve could not hide the sadness in my eyes

Blur vision from the tears I’ve cried behind closed doors

Now look at me, blossoming, me

Before I felt the thrones on my side until I rose to the occasion

Poured into myself, not letting those seeds of ego and pride get me down

Having loved one’s check on my progress when I would forget to water my plant

Boundaries allowed me to finally love me and set the standard of what I will and won’t tolerate

It changed my life

As I am writing this piece, I cried

But I used these tears to grow the confidence in me, the unwavering belief in me

I got this

Only I can stop this and won’t stop until I am at the top of whatever I want to accomplish

Lately I have been practicing meditation, Namaste

The new me wants to take over the stubborn old me is like no Ima stay

It is a constant battle of will, will I or won’t I change

The new way of thinking and doing things still has me afraid

But the old way of doing things would always be a destructive path

I wanted a way out, and I found it finally

Well, I am not there yet. It is an ongoing thing.

Never was i expressive emotional. I would let things spill over.

Bottling up feelings of anger, resentment and not allowing anyone to

Not even me, even with a key I would deny entry

I need to heal

I needed to feel but for the longest I was numb to it all

Now I feel it all. I am working on the challenge of balance

I am proud of who I was and who I am now because even at my worst,

I still knew ill be here somehow

Not allowing the past to define me, but more so to inspire me

Showing me who I should and should not be

I saw the spot of hope even in my darkest times

With support from my family telling me everything is going to be fine

Loving the inner child in me and telling him it’s going to be alright

I love you, Isaac

I love myself too

I always felt misunderstood
Being the black sheep of the family or the escape goat
I knew the dynamic wasn’t healthy but i couldn’t verbalize it
I would just lash out because of it ,
whenever i felt overwhelmed i would lash out again
Cursing out someone ,hurting someones feelings because my feelings were hurt
Not knowing maybe they didn’t know how to use their own words
Sometimes its a cycle and they didn’t question things , they just continued the behavior
How sometimes family members felt like strangers
For the longest time i didn’t feel emotionally safe i was always in danger
Not from physical harm but by verbal hard and those words i would use back were razor sharp
Over the years of going to therapy along with maturing and taking psychology i started to see
Alot of this behavior was learned and gone through generations
Well it stops with me even if its the end of me it will stop with me
No longer the villain now as my siblings got older they understood the method to my madness
All the moments as when they were kids they did not get until they grew up and started to get it
The villain was the hero all along
I started to establish and enforce boundaries and it has been what has saved my sanity
Also has saved my family , we have along way to go but we have come so far
Now with the education and emotional maturity i can sit down and have conversations to be heard and understood
Even if we agree to disagree that’s fine with me
No longer yelling or saying anything to intentionally hurt someones feelings
We are closer because of it
Love your “misunderstood” son ,brother ,grandson , nephew ,friend
Isaac

Love it

Since the moment i saw you i fell in love
The age of 5 is where my mind goes watching All that at nick at night
At the age of 7-8 i would watch more channels and just couldn’t get my eyes off of the food channel
“bam ,bam” is the words i heard and the audience clapping right after it
Right before a commercial the show band will play doc gibs
It was chef Emeril lagasse i could not stop watching
He made me fall in love with the kitchen
Influencing my young self to make my first scrambled egg all by myself
Even though i was afraid of fire i still tackled that stove on medium low for a few minutes to cook the eggs
Food and music is a universal language on any occasion it soothes your soul from a birthday or attending a funeral
It is cold comfort food fro a reason
Learning that we have some many spices and seasonings other than salt and pepper
I would later on learn how to cook selfish ,chicken and other protein and just be so proud of myself
Impressing my mom and grandma with my dishes at a young age was the biggest pride
They can leave me alone at home and i will be fine i could cook for myself and sibling if i have to
My biggest pass time is in the kitchen whether it is with family or just trying out new dishes
Cooking is the coolest and most fun way to not only bond with someone but get to know their culture and likes /dislikes

Dear fear ,

I have been avoiding you most my life until i figured out what was happening.

You see , i was the first born so my mom overprotected me from everything.

Every time i would fall she was there to catch me both literally and figuratively.

My dad was not around much and when he was i did not listen to his advice due to him not having my respect. Although a neglectful parent, he sought my attention to follow his counsel. His selective role-playing prompted me to selectively heed his words. Though some bitterness remains after all these years, a significant portion of his claims were accurate.

Its just the messenger was the right one to get the message across.

I was afraid of success to be honest because i was fine with being just average.

Was not into education but i was intelligent just never applied myself.

Was not into socializing i was okay being by myself 

Am i good enough ? Am I not smiling enough? laugh more ?

I am okay with being alone

I remained completely frozen by fear and did nothing for years.

Now it fuels me and with those voices of self doubt i still go

My daily routine includes self-care, even when battling tiredness, depression, or anxiety.

I still go out , still workout and remain active not sitting much on my couch or laying in bed

Face your fears is what my grandfather always says 

I learned to not only acknowledge you feat but to appreciate your role in life

Even when those voices tell me to stop i keep going

I’m afraid of the unknown, but I know what’s best for me lies ahead, so I’ll keep growing.

I hope you’re aware that I won’t back down from a fight with you.

Sincerely: your biggest and toughness rival my will to succeed , Isaac is me 

2024 has been such a blessing to me both creatively and personally. I have been performing poetry since January 2023 and its been such a fun ride. 2024 has been such a rewarding year due to the growth I’ve seen in myself. I am naturally a reversed and socially awkward person but this year I’ve learned to be more social. Networking with artist and platforms created alot of opportunities with featuring in open mics. One of my favorite memory of the year was doing my first video shoot (acting /extra role) which was because i reached out to peer that was looking for extras. Another memory was participating a podcast called first date questions which i was vulnerable about my dating life. I am so proud of myself because i have met so many cool people and people i’ve been fans of for such a long time and its really incredible that they appreciate my work as much as i appreciate their work. Not sure what 2025 has for me but i am very excited in what paths open up to me.

I have always struggled with expressing my emotions
I would typically just bottle it up and explode on someone eventually
The path of self destruction was a path i knew all to well
As a adolescent the first lesson i was taught was men do not cry
So i would bottle up my feelings inside until the invisible ceiling would shatter the glass of bottled up emotions i kept inside
Perhaps it was my ego and pride that would not step aside
Truly over a decade in and out of therapy and 6 years of going consistently has really gave me a second to see
The perspective i had was all a lie
Men live a life that we are programmed to lie and say we are fine and move on while negative feelings linger inside
Why you think we smoke ,drink and link up with women or men
We need that quick fix of an escape to create distance between the victims and the blame
Guilt and shame while we try to hide the pain
It is anybodies guess well its a guessing game like charades
I began to journal in 2020 , in 2023 i start writing poetry and not only that but performing in public stages
In front of dozen and hundreds of people at a time
Now i’ve performed at dozens of open mics and it changed my life
No longer hiding behind the stone wall i build leaving the old me left behind
Having a open mind ,saying whats on my mind and i have such a great feeling inside
Holding myself accountable ,facing my fears and having the support of friends and family all made a difference
Never know who can you inspire with you your self , you may even inspire yourself

Thank you for allowing me to express myself
At the age of the trauma moments i did not know what to do
I would brush things to the side and store it in a closet
The closet was closed until i started to become more aware of self
Who am i ? where nobody else is looking
My true self the one who finally seeks professional help
I understood as a young man independent , the oldest of 3 that would do everything him self now broken down and could not do it by myself
Writing poetry at 12 until 21 and at age 33 in 2023 i came back to writing after a decade of not writing
Since then so many stages
So many tears of joy finally seeing that inner child in me smile
Cheers to that little body who was scared to say i am scared , i want a hug
I just wanted to be loved with no conditions
Without feeling like it was transactional the growth i’ve seen in myself i could not even imagined
This is letter is not only for the younger me but to the younger you
You are more than able and capable to be who ever you want to be
Lift the trauma bookbag and take that leap sheshh
Look how far i’ve come after removing that lagguage off of me