My dearest fear—

Food, I am sorry for how I have treated you over the years. I have been told you are divine but my wants have always been elsewhere. Your presence always felt unconventional to me, which is why I kept my distance. Yet, I know I need you.

I’m defeated each day by the hateful things you caused to be said about me. Someone recently commented on my appearance, saying I look too thin — is that a compliment? I know now we need to come together, separating ourselves from the words spoken about how we need to be. The rules put on us are not laws. I will no longer let the negative thoughts of you win.

I say now; it is my best interest to find peace between us.

I find when you shape-shift into cold chocolate chocolate chip ice cream; you give me chills of joy.

Or when you warm me up with exquisite spices, in a delicious broth, with long, perfectly boiled noodles. 

I feel at peace with you in these moments.

But — I do not always trust you, and this brings me fear.

Though, I want to give you three reasons it is so hard to have trust in you—

1. You are always shape-shifting. 
Every time you are different. My life lacks consistency; please show understanding.

2. You do not always satisfy my needs.
When you interest me, it is only for me to try and face you. I wish you could do something to draw me in.

3. You cause more damage than good at times.
You multiply my fears. Why can I only have certain kinds of you without the thought of illness?

Maybe now that you know why I fear you so, I can find a way to trust you — at all times. I will learn everything there is to know about you. I will face this fear the world has gifted me with.

I have love for myself — this is why I need to face you.

Forever, I have asked so little of you. Now — I will ask for more.

Best,
Hannah Light

P.S. My best friend and I both have ARFID. This photo is us sharing our comfort food, french fries, on the subway to her house in NYC. It was taken by our friend sitting across from us. We did not know the photo was being taken at the time but we now call it our favorite photo, because anyone with ARFID knows, when you feel safe with the people around you and safe with the food, no matter where you are, it will feel like home.

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