To my very first love,

I don’t know how I fell in love you. I would love to remember. Maybe when I was younger just a toddler? Or maybe when I was a preteen in small town. It feels like I have been married to you. You’re there for me when I need a friend, you’re there for me when I need a space to be lifted up. You’re there in my melancholic moments. You cherish our happy moments, even though sometimes the heartbreak is undeniable you help me find the hope that still puts the pieces together. You are the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have seen you evolve. But whatever you were before me I never got experience. Sometimes I judge you, sometimes I go with the flow. I love every piece of you. If you left my life in any form I would go crazy. You will be my last testimony when I die. You will be introduced to many people when that happens, because with you have a gift that can heal broken hearts. I want you to be their comfort when I am gone. When that happens you will give three important people a gift. A gift that you and I share. It’s something small kind of expensive but if these people know, what you are going to give to them is what I use everyday and what made you become apart of me. They know how much I love you. They’ve seen us grow together. And each of those gifts that you will give to them you gave to me and each of them will get a custom one.
Enough of the sadness of the future.

I have you tattooed on my arm. Is it a sin that my first love is tattooed on my arm? Don’t worry it won’t be the first. I have plans of another that will continue my love for you.
You’re there when I drive, you’re there in my dreams at night, you’re next to me all the time. You’re my best ally. You never left me.

You go by many different names. Thousands maybe millions of names. You have different aspects to you I love. I met you the real you in choir. And we went into a class where we studied melodies and theory.

Every time I pick up my phone to call you, you answer. Loving you has never been easy but you’ve been apart of me. We sing and dance in the kitchen now and when we used to do it my teal bedroom. I still have artifacts of you throughout the years and you should bring some back because I honestly think it’s hot.
You’re classy, can be trashy sometimes. But I wouldn’t trade you for anything.

You have friends that help shape you that I fall in love with time after time. I see you win awards with those friends. And when you go out, you make it a good time. Even though I hate Valentine’s Day, you make every day feel like it. You can turn the most melancholic melodies into something to live for.
You’ve showed me loss, faith, forgiveness.

Thank you.

I’m about to be 24 and you’ve guided me through life.
At 24 I know I will always love you.

This is to my very first love: Music

You’re the best thing in the world. Thank you for the headphones (that I will never leave the house with) the stories through cds, the artists.

Thank you for letting me love you.

Forever & always

‘Tis the Year of Dreams
Dreams that we thought we cannot reach
From far beyond
We shall flee to Hawaii
Where carefree is not a fee
‘Tis the year of Dreams
We shall conjure and Conquer
Architecture in a Degree
‘Tis the year of dreams
Where we shall as seekers and dreamers
Spread the dreams of thee
On reams
‘Tis the year of the Dreamers

Dear Em, 10/28/2024

I hope you find this during your freshman year of high school. Sorry, let me introduce myself. I am you from 8 years in the future. If you don’t believe me just put the love of your life on and his name is music. I want to give you some advice on some things that happen during your high school years. First things first. You will have a boyfriend and he will break your heart. If you could see it through my eyes since I’ve been through it all, he will come back multiple times. But I have good news, have you ever wondered why he broke up with you? Because people, especially your parents, pushed you to the limit of hating his guts for the rest of your life. Well, to be fair with you, it wasn’t him. It was his and your parents that pushed it for it to end. I am sorry. How do you know about this? You wonder. Well you find out things that your mother did while she was alive a couple years later. Also you are not going to believe me but you and him sat down 7 years later and discussed what happened. It was a 3 hour conversation. But you both needed it. When that happened, beautiful things started to happen. That’s another letter for a different time
Tell mom thank you for putting you in therapy. You wouldn’t be here at 23 if you didn’t go. At times you felt like the cards were stacked against you and to this day you still feel like it. But some of those cards have not been stacked. Even the unspeakable things you’ve been through, you have been called strong and brave, but mostly sweet. To this day you still wonder why a lot of people called you sweet, and well you still don’t get it. Even though your reputation around the little town you grew up in is very poor, I don’t know how to say it’s poorly rated. Just a little secret between you and me, and we both know this kind of, with your friends now you will laugh about how skinny you were. Because well it wasn’t exactly your fault. It was your medicine, and then it’s kind of funny how people make fun of you for it, saying things that were not true at all.
The town you are growing up in, you need to cherish it. So do your parents. You go back on occasion, but every time you go back it feels less and less like home. The vibrancy of the little close knit town where you felt like home at one point is going to hell in a handbasket.
I wish you could save it if you had a political degree, but you don’t.
Or maybe that vibrancy isn’t there anymore because you’re growing up? You’re still growing up now. You’re going through your late emo phase. Except it’s sticking. You want to become a novelist. You have one currently in the works. Speaking of novels, you currently have a collection of books that totals up to 235. That includes your husband’s books, and that also beats mom’s stack of books before she died. Even though you would rather have it alphabetized than books everywhere. Let’s just say if the books are not on the shelf, you would have a breakdown.
Remember being in the thrift store all the time with mom and dad and they take forever? Yeah let’s just say you picked up that habit. But it’s good! It saves you money in the long run. Also you found love in upcycling. You wore your freshman homecoming dress to senior homecoming.
Junior year. It’s the talent show for Christmas at the school. You’ve chosen a perfect song for your talent. You were going to sing. This is one decision you regret to this day. You and your ex were fighting, and he was sitting in the front row. You told everyone you couldn’t do it. Even we are going to call them JL was like you can do this! But you didn’t. Sometimes in your adult life, you try to picture what it would be like if you didn’t say no. You could’ve won the prize money. Everyone told you, you could’ve. You could’ve won over his brother who played his guitar solo. By the way you keep on singing in your adult life.
Fast track to senior year, your life changes here. Just a few months before graduation and a couple weeks before her birthday. Your mom dies. You don’t talk about what happened unless someone is truly interested. You held your head high and confronted all the rumors about you during this time. You only cried for two weeks after mom passed. Also, your classmates somehow saw something in you. They felt bad after mom died and they gave you flowers.
Don’t let anyone tell you where to go to college. Also try to convince mom and dad to go on college visitations. Trust me you hate the school you got into. You wished that your family listened but their explanation is that your family needs you. Well to be honest they want control. It’s pretty sad. Trust me you never wanted to get your degree done so bad. But not from this school. You’re planning on mastering in architecture.
One more thing, spend time with Grandma Deb and Mills, they aren’t going to be around that long. You’ll have to miss Mills’ funeral due to work. At grandma’s funeral you will be told your the favorite grandchild even though you doubt that. But you miss grandma every single day.
Dear Little Me, I cannot stress it enough, but with all the stuff you have been put through. I want you to go chase your dreams. I want you to get every tattoo you ever wished for. (That’s for when you’re older you’re up 9.) Don’t care what anybody thinks about you. Just care enough for yourself to say this: I am determined. Because guess what if we didn’t have the determination, we wouldn’t be standing here today. Do things by yourself and don’t let anyone tell you no. You have learned that experiences are the best parts of life. So Dear Little Me, (say it with me, even though you don’t like group things like the happy birthday song) You’re going to be okay.
Love,
The person who writes letters to people she loves but not to herself.

P.s. Put on Brad Paisley’s “Letter to me” on repeat for me please.