Thinking back, it feels so surreal
Almost like that time in my life wasn’t real…
A young hurting heart, full of anger and hate
Yet also consumed by this hollow emptiness
A hardened stone beating in my chest
Living in a constant state of unrest
Man… I really was a mess…
A suicidal teen ready to accept my fate
Chasing after anything to escape the feeling
Only for it to fester, internally reeling
Washing down pills with liquor
Til my head would hit the floor, and I’d watch the lights flicker…
Using cocaine to ease the pain
Opiates to go numb
And ecstasy to free myself from the mass of misery I’d become
What started as a release and a way to “let loose”
Became my form of self abuse
As scars on the skin are hard to hide…
Tho for a time I tried….
Suicide was something I didn’t just think about, but began to idolize
Cursing God that I’d ever been born
I’d look in the mirror at the thing I despised;
The kind and gentle kid, who’s heart had been tattered and torn
The misfit who just wanted to belong
Downtrodden by this worlds scorn
Til he believed everything about his existence was wrong
I saw myself as less than nothing
Not even a person, only a husk of a man
Wanting to just fade from memory
To set myself free
I started formulating plans
To finally end the suffering
In a moment of desperation
I made a proclamation
To the very God that I cursed
Putting down the knife
Telling Him I’d give Him one opportunity to do whatever He wanted to do with my life…
My wounds He started to nurse
His Spirit touched the depths of my soul
And for the first time, I was whole
The healing process was fast but slow
As I had to face my hurt, and learn what it is to forgive and let go
I learned that this heart I was belittled for
Is something Christ truly adores
The drugs lost their appeal
As they couldn’t compare to the wholeness His presence made me feel
There was nothing of myself that earned His love and acceptance
But only by accepting the covering of Christ’s blood and receiving His mercy
Was I truly set free
And that night was my turning point, my first act of repentance