“Release and be Free!!!”

*For most of my life I felt like I needed to control everything around me.

Truth is, all I really wanted was to be free.

I just didn’t quite know how yet, I was still blind and could not see.

*I was convinced that by being in control, I could decide my life’s course.

But we know that’s not how life works,

What I really needed was to plug into the source.

*Still, because of the trauma I had been through, I felt I had to keep myself safe.

Not realizing at the time, Jesus was my safe space.

What I needed was to remove the fear and take on peace in its place.

*I needed to learn to let go and release all my fears to God, to lay them at his feet

To release what I thought was control, so that I could have peace.

What amazing freedom I could have, once I was able to release!

*My journey to freedom I had to fight for.

But God said for you I have so much in store.

Areas in my life that were broken God said, I will restore!

*There will be moments where the enemy will try and tell you you’re not free.

That’s when you remind him of what God sees.

God says you are free and not bound and that is your decree.

*You see the enemys desire is to keep you bound and feeling defeat.

But we know the devil is under our feet.

With Jesus, our freedom we can reach.

*Your freedom is a choice you must make.

You must choose to release, choose to be free, choose that your freedom you will take!

*True freedom comes when you are able to let go.

Let go of all of your burdens and give God control.

Allow God in to heal you and make you whole.

*So choose this day to trust God and find your peace.

To let go, and let God, and let your weights be released.

Your freedom is waiting, all you have to do is lift up your hands and receive.

Was it my childhood? Or is this a personality trait? Why does not much ever feel good enough to me? It feels as though I sit around watching others succeed, while I bleed.

Look into the lens of an extremist. There is either good or bad, victory or failure. No wiggle room. There is no option for a roadblock or a mistake. Over time, this can manifest into such a deep rooted way of thinking and anxiety that it can torture you on a daily basis.

Now on the other hand, some people just strive high, had good upbringings, or just sensibly execute their goals. I could only imagine that not everyone who is highly successful lives torturous lives. I always wished I knew how to just keep things simpler. Sincerely, I wish I could. Still somehow I always find no middle ground, no matter the task. After a while it becomes easier to just shut down and not try things. Atleast not anything new or unfamiliar. Most perfectionists have some form of rigidness to them and in my experience a good portion of them don’t fare well in new environments or change.

Unfortunately, as I’ve reflected back on my own life I can’t help but wonder all the opportunities that may have passed me by, all the good people I could have met, all the smarter paths I could have chose, all those “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s”. I’ve found myself at times in a pit of comparing and judging. Whether it was myself- or other people.

If I could have just focused on things that made me feel more “whole” I could have found more peace, and my passions earlier in life. Writing, nature, music, things that truly bring me joy.

But this just goes to show that I needed to experience the life I did – to become who I am now. I may not have all the parts of me “whole” yet, but atleast I see the bigger picture here thanks to Jane’s wise quote and I can work every day at placing all the little pieces of myself together while I try to navigate through this thing called life.

~May we all keep our balance along the walk

“Energy cannot be created or destroyed”

It cannot be created. It cannot be destroyed. A law of thermodynamics.

You told me this when I was young, at a time when I didn’t realize it would be the only thing to bring me peace with the ever passing of time after your physical body left this earth. Where does our life force go when the lights go off? And the energy leaves our shell?

I believe it becomes one with the cosmos. And that is why I feel you in the stars.

I like to imagine your spirit shape shifting through the vast universe, making your way to me as often as you can – in my dreams, in my moments of despair, in the little signs that are just too perfect to be a coincidence. Your love for me transcends time and space, as does mine for you.

I love you, and will into eternity.

A friend once told me, “Wait until you get home to the States and see someone freak out like their whole day is ruined because someone messed up their coffee.”
Only for me to return to the land of the free…
To truly see how privileged and ungrateful we are…
I’m not denying that we all have our scars
The hardships that be
Yet we’re blessed beyond what we ourselves see…
My relatives grew up stereotypically poor
As their physically abusive drunk of a father left them wanting for more
Often abandoning them, and leaving them to live with different relatives
Who really didn’t have two craps to give
And when they had a home, their power would be shut off because they couldn’t pay the bill
Their food was often stale. Their clothes withered and torn
Only to be passed onto the next born
There was so much that could crush one’s will.
They had no gas in their car, and struggled to pay rent
As for an idea of their life cruel
One of them was once beaten because he needed a pencil for school
Yet there’s one message to me that same relative sent:
“We still have it better here than other people in the world. There’s people who are willing to help, and programs to help give us opportunities. There’s people in the world who don’t have that”
And I’ve never forgotten that…
As my own journey has unfurled
I have tasted and seen
Both what he and my other friend mean…
I’ve witnessed people fleeing their homes and pitching up tents
For the bombings refused to relent
My heart was heavy as a boulder
When I saw an elderly woman who was hit by shrapnel, and all of the flesh could be peeled from the back of her shoulder
Yet the doctors turned her away because she wasn’t a serious enough case
The realization of it all… I couldn’t stop the tears down my face
People scrambling to make themselves seem of use, in the hopes we wouldn’t send them back
Playing with kids, who for a little while, got to act like a normal kids
Things that could make anyone’s heart crack:
Mothers overjoyed to just see their kids having fun and full of joy
Fathers thanking you because of the smiles on their wife, girls, and boys
Or having to see the misfortune
Of seeing a child show up without his parents, because now he’s an orphan…
Now let’s move onto a different location…
Different place, different nation…
The capitol of the country is like that of a small city
Compared to our standards it’s almost a pity
You barely have to go just a few miles out
To witness people who are really going without
Living in wooden shacks with dirt floors
Only a cooking pot, and one mattress for a family of ten
But they were so friendly and kind, I would love to go there again
They were incredibly glad
To bend over backwards, offering you anything they had
It seemed so surreal…
Strangers inviting us to their homes and cooking us meals
Like… “I want to bless you, but instead you’ve blessed me!”
And it really began to open my eyes to see just how much of the States is a mess….
How we get hung up on issues so petty…
I watched a beggar with no legs, hopping up and down in a handstand for change…
So to get hung up on issues so small… to me… is kinda deranged…
But again… why don’t you tell me…
What exactly’s wrong with your coffee?

It’s okay to not be okay.

You’ve heard this, you want to believe this, but you still fight it.

Why do we put such high expectations on ourselves that don’t make space for being real human-beings with real human-being sh*t-storms?

I think many of us are also guilty of telling ourselves that it is perfectly understandable if you just lost a loved one to not be okay. It’s okay if you just got fired or found out about a serious health condition, it’s okay to not be okay.

But, what about the other stuff? What about when life gives you one tiny lemon at a time and before you know it you have a sack full of lemon heads and no sugar in sight?

These are the smaller cracks of life.
You know, the days like this:

It starts with you waking up late after a night of restless tossing and turning that might equal 2 hours total..
—then you get in the shower to realize you are out of conditioner and your razor needs a new blade before you slice yourself open–sooo it’s gunna be a pants kind of day with no sleeveless tops 👀..
—then you go to get dressed and what you picked to wear is too tight (F***! 🙄🫠🫨)..
—then you are already late and you can’t find your phone, you spill coffee on yourself while getting into the car..
—then you get caught behind Aunt Ethel going 30 miles an hour on Spillway—and when you finally make it to the office and sit down…
you get a mother-trucking papercut on the very first piece of paper you touch.

It’s okay to not be okay these days too.

Sometimes the things we have going on are not visible to those around us and maybe we feel they wouldn’t understand anyway. That doesn’t change the fact that, you—on any particular day, may not be okay and that is nothing to feel bad about.

You don’t need to compare your problems to those you perceive to have bigger problems. You get to have bad days too –even if the bad day lasts for weeks. Know that there are other people out there who are struggling with confidence, anxiety, depressive thoughts and more and it doesn’t have to be a direct result of some tragic event or significant turning point in your life.

Know that you are loved and no one’s real life is as perfect as it may seem on social media. Make peace with the bad days, the I’m-not-okay days and cut yourself some slack. Hopefully things will get better, but in the meantime it’s okay to not be okay. Just do your best, in your own time, to be the best “okay” you can be.

I have smelled early morning dew.
I have felt rain on a cold and sunny day.
I have seen a babe be born.
I have been held by a mother whose presence was all that was needed.
I have watched nature and its peak of beauty.
I have also watched nature at its cruelest.
I have seen Many amazing sunrises.
I have seen just as beautifully, the sun set.
I have touched the face of those with frowns.
I have worn magnificent gowns.
I have felt the muscles of a horse beneath me.
I have tasted the berries and fruit so sweetly.
I have laughed with loved ones.
I have cried with loved ones.
I have married my worst enemy.
I have also married my best friend.
I have had sorrow.
I’ve had joy that never ends.
I have a sang million songs.
I have traveled near and far away.
I have had my heart broken.
I have broken a heart.
I have met thousands of people.
I have lost a few.
I have lost many times in life, just as much as I have won.
I have accepted Christ as my Savoir and learned about the Son.
So it’s not the things that I have done that I regret, but those I have yet to do!

It is a motto that I’ve come to greatly cherish across the span of time I’ve been on this earth. It keeps me grounded, especially when I find myself feeling overwhelmed by the troubles that decide to surface in each passing day. One day at a time. A simple phrase, but a powerful reminder that I don’t need to reach for the worries of the morrow. That’s right. I only need to focus on what’s right in front of me in this increment of time. It also tells me that even if the ‘day’ itself seems too long, I can break it down even further. Yes; to the hours, minutes, and seconds. Sometimes, it’s the very thoughts of these that help one to hang on by a thread. Like a friend that holds your hand, gives it a squeeze, and reminds you to breathe.

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained
Inside the heart, the want is framed
Inside the mind to reason clear
To build the will to lose all fear

Nothing good with ease you gain
Risk arrives enrobed in pain
And all the hoops through which we dive
Are returns we seek to recognize

Undaunted in the quest we find
The soul’s desire to impel the mind
Toward the goal ahead so near yet far
To win each battle and embrace the scars

The war is real with weapons few
So we cross the lines to make the coup
For nothing ventured nothing gained
And the win we find is worth all the pain

We often live our lives with expectations someone else set for us.
“Do you have children?”
“What do you do for work?”
“Are you married?”
Overly asked common questions.
When responded with “no,” it’s met with judgment as those tools are what we use to commonly measure the success of a person.
“Are you happy?”
A question that is rare but important.
I found joy within myself when I stopped following what was expected of me and began living for what made my soul shine.
Expressing my creative side
That’s why I exist
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures
Why should I feel ashamed for what brings me a glimmer of glee?
When I die I don’t want to be remembered as an individual who was stuck in a pattern of endless misery
I want to be remembered as the peculiar girl who lived life blissfully
I get one life and I don’t plan to waste it by living it in a way that isn’t true to who I am

“People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.”- Bob Dylan

Dear Grandma,

She believed she could, so she did.

I remember the palm-sized wall art of this quote you gifted me and its journey. Lost years ago, as we were cleaning out your house, it lives now only in my mind. My thoughts can easily travel back to when you gave it to me.

Back in time, a knock sounded at my door as I decorated my desk with crystals and a photograph of my boyfriend and me.

“Someone’s here to see you,” the office manager told me.

As I turned toward the door, I saw you in a bright blue pantsuit that matched your vibrant personality.

“Grandma!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

I recall your embrace and wish I could return to that hug.

You stepped back, examining me. “I heard you started working here and saw this little sign. It reminded me of you, and I thought it could inspire you on your desk.”

Reading the sign aloud, “She believed she could, so she did,” I couldn’t help but reflect on my career aspirations. I always had different plans for my life than answering phones at a plumbing company. It’s essential work but not the path I’d always wanted to take.

On this day, your kind eyes had a hint of sadness beneath them. You’d just lost the love of your life: your husband and my Papa. After his passing, all of our smiles contained a tinge of sadness. The love among us all was magic, but the magic had lost some spark.

When you love big, you lose big.

As this memory fades, I transport myself to the next part of the sign’s journey. I wish I had asked you to stay for a moment longer.

I was walking into your hospital room, which had become your new home after brain surgery.

Hoping you would remember me that day, I reached for your hands as I sat before you.

“Hi, Grandma,” I said in a gentle tone. “I brought you something.” Pulling the sign out from my back, I displayed it for you.

She believed she could, so she did.

I placed the art on the ledge below your window. “Do you remember when you gave me this sign when I started a new job? I think you need it more now. Maybe if you see it by your window every day, it will help.”

I’ll never know if the sign helped you, but the dreamer in me hopes it brought you peace.

I hope it reminded you of the enduring love you and Papa created. You both made a legacy that will continue past your deaths. You brought love and unbreakable bonds into the world, which is magic in a time of such division.

They say we take nothing when we pass, but I don’t think the sentiment is always true.
Sometimes, we take a little piece of the hearts of those we left behind.

As we celebrate holidays without you now, I know our hearts are emptier than before. We attempted to fill the void when we chose our favorite belongings from your house to put in our homes. Books to sit on our shelves, decorations to live on our mantles, and Christmas ribbon to decorate our trees. These shared memories and belongings connect us, even in your absence.

We all think of you as we decorate our trees with your Christmas ornaments. The endless love you gave us stamped our hearts like a tattoo, and your signature phrases have become our own.

We’ll teach our kids what you taught all of us.

“Stick together.”

“Love each other through anything – through everything.”

We’ll all fill our children’s and grandchildren’s hearts like you filled ours.

It’s our job now to continue the magic you created and reignite the spark.

We’ll do it because we believe we can, and we believe we should.

I like to think you were greeted by Papa and your dad when you fell asleep for the last time.

When I take my last breath, I hope you greet me.

I’ll smile and tell you: “Grandma, I believed I could, so I did.”

Love,
Rachael

Your body—a microcosmic ecosystem,
an orchestral orgasm where every resonance
sings in harmony with your heartbeat.

Your mind—a slippery survivalist,
a battle between contours,
the subconscious reflected
in every perception,
every perspective.

This is
your history to rewrite,
your legacy to ignite
in each breath,
each moment.

This world as you know it
exists only while you’re in it.
So own it.
Mold it.
Rock n’ roll it.
Do unto life and love as you feel fit.
Say what you wish and see what becomes of it.

Life is like your favorite pair of shoes.
Every step you take is in the right direction,
Even when you’re hesitant.
Growth.

Sometimes, you may get a little worn,
Maybe scuffed, but you don’t give up.
Just buy some cleaner
And brush the battle scars off.
Resilience.

Then grab some polish to shine them up.
Good as new, on to new beginnings.
Persistence.

Why throw away a perfect pair of shoes because they’ve walked a few miles
And don’t smell as fresh as they used to?
You could easily keep using them to step over obstacles and remain grateful for what they’ve gotten you through.
Reflective.

When time-worn, they’re at their best because you’ve lived some life in them.
The lessons learned through many journeys is what makes them your favorite.
Wisdom.

A quote I live by,
Is no one has a heart like mine.
Because no two people can share the same heart.
It’s different for many different reasons,
I see good In places where others find trash,
But difference isn’t supposed to be bad.
However in a life where different has turned to redundancy and rebellion
Existing can be very lonely and sad,
For those who understand this,
I know you’ve been told you’re hearts different.
And to be different can be the biggest blessing and curse for humanity
And it’s a hard lesson to learn
That no matter how hard I kick or scream
they’ll still choose not to love me.
Branding me obsessive for a simple ability
To feel with all of me,
yet sometimes choose to act calously in an act of feral fear and self preservation
I give people my all
living life like an open book
until they choose to hurt me,
Because we’re different,
I gave them my heart
Trusted them
Told them my traumas
There was no confusion on my end,
But they chose to misunderstand,
And label me the problem.
As they pranced that heart to sand
And they danced to the sound of that heart sliding through my hands
When I begged them,
To just give me a chance.
I’d never do that,
Especially to someone I called my friend.
So I’m just left with the realization that my hearts different again

Broken…. again…

But trying to mend.

Hello World!
Last year on June 30th, I lost my sister unexpectedly. Thirty days later I lost my dad to cancer.
In December of that same year, my husband lost his mom and dad nineteen days apart. They’ve been my family for over forty years.
My sister and dad were two completely different types of death, two different kinds of grief, and all of these deaths were too close together to grieve each one in the way they deserved. But as time has passed, I’ve been able to grieve them individually.
With a lump in my throat, I search for words that will send love, support, and encouragement to all who are grieving, have grieved, and to those who will one day.
It’s a universal human experience and we will all know it intimately.
I begin my letter to you with this… I don’t believe there is a “grief expert” who can tell us how to navigate this very personal experience. However, I do think that sharing how we feel with others who are also grieving can be helpful.
My recent experience has taught me that we all accept, process, and learn how to live with loss in our own time.
That there is no right or wrong way to do it. That we all need to be free to experience grief in whatever way helps us move with it.
Note: we do not get over it or move through it. There’s no other side.
We move with it. It changes, we change, and we move together – us and grief. But it’s okay if you don’t move for a while. If you need to stay still for a little bit. I did.
Nobody can advise you on what to do, how to feel, or where you should be in your experience so don’t ever feel like you “should be” …. (fill in the blank)
It’s all up to you and these things will happen just as they should. We can see this when we lose a family member and notice how each person grieves in their own way and in their own time.
It’s so important to respect and support that. To give each person the time and space they need without question.
Someone once told me that, “grief is as unique as our fingerprint and no two people will experience it the same”.
I’m so happy to share that with you because it gave me so much comfort in my early grief and continues to do so.
It’s been a little over a year now, and I’m still grieving my family although the heaviness of it has lifted.
The pain and sadness are much lighter now, even though it feels deeper if that makes sense.
At first, everything was so heavy and on the outside. The memories were of death. The tears were falling whenever I spoke of them.
But as time passed, I began tucking pieces of the good memories inside for safekeeping and could speak of them without tears.
Sometimes, the memories will show up randomly and I smile because I’m so grateful for them. For the love we shared.
And now when I cry, my tears feel more like soft rain – not a raging storm.
As I sign off, I will leave you with this… even though it feels like you are not supposed to be happy or you shouldn’t laugh because they don’t get to anymore, even though it feels like you don’t know how to be in the world without them – like you no longer know who you are or what you want to do, things will get better.
They will never be the same, but they will get better. You will learn how to navigate life without them physically present. They will still be with you but in a new and different way. They never really leave you all the way.
You’ll see, I promise.
Love,

If it’s taking too long, then just move along.
If it’s not flowing on its own, then just leave it alone.
If it doesn’t feel natural, then it’s time to be factual.
If it requires force, then ditch it, of course.
I’m not telling you that you should lose heart.
I’m simply suggesting you choose a fresh start.
Take a deep breath and start anew.
Life can be tough, but so are you.