There are so many good quotes out there, but instead of picking just one, I’m fond of two mottos since they kind of go hand-in-hand:

“Never a dull moment!” and “Boredom is never allowed!”

I would like to take credit for either one but that is not possible. I can’t even remember where I first heard them…. I know I heard them as a teenager. Before anyone picks on me with these two by saying “Well that’s cheesy,” give me a few minutes to hear me out:

We can ALL remember more than one time as a child when we whined, “I’m bored!” Boredom is defined as being uninterested in what you’re doing. It’s not just having that phase as a kid or a teen. It follows us into adulthood. Sometimes, it can become a sad sight as it forms into a bad habit. Even if we were to spend all our free time on social media, we would still find ourselves bored or empty. I feel like boredom steals away the few minutes of being alive, being excited, being creative, being helpful, and enjoying the small hobbies that you can’t stop thinking about doing.

So, what to do with boredom? I remember someone recommended serving and helping others. It can be chores for the tired parent. It can be yard work for the old lady up the street. It can be babysitting the kids for the single mom. It can be tutoring for students struggling behind. It can be doing charity work, shelters, or fundraising. Also, that same person said, “If you’re bored, you’re selfish.” It’s kind of a joke, but also quite true. Whether helping someone or getting back into the hobby you missed so much, there is no room for boredom. It’s even become a home rule in my life.

Maybe we’ve even been to the one place we said was dull, the meeting is dull, or the exact moment is dull. Dull is lacking excitement or lack of interest—-goes well with boredom. Dull is plain, gloomy gray. Sometimes it becomes the word in the mind that tells us, “This sucks.” Let me ask you: does it have to be dull?

Not everything in life has to be dull. For example, there were some quiet days when at work. Not many customers. All shelves have been dusted. The numbers have been counted. Everything is checked, double-checked, and triple-checked. So how do I pass the time? When having a standing job, I danced to the music. I didn’t care if I was being watched, it actually entertained other coworkers watching me dance till they found themselves dancing too. It wasn’t like full-blown crazy party time. I just wouldn’t allow dullness to kick in. It was an opportunity to enjoy the moment.

Finding the doors of the sweet things of life, and shutting the doors of boredom and dullness, will bring pure joy if you allow it. It can be found in your job. It can be found in your free time, at home, with your family and friends, anywhere. You don’t have to wait for the opportunity, make and be the opportunity. I don’t consider myself smart. But I do know that life is short, and a lot of wasted time is being flushed away. We need to make room for problem-solving. Take time to enjoy time with others. Carry the torch in helping the communities. Find and do the small steps. It will lead to big steps, making a difference in our lives, and in others.

Tupac said long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared
I am a concrete rose
My seed was planted in darkness and I was lost
Every root digging deeper down not knowing this was building a strong foundation
A little sliver of sunlight through a tiny window
A little sprout out the crack of cement
What’s out here? There’s so much room
Maybe I’ll just stay down here
But I couldn’t help but to think
What’s out there?
What can I turn into?
My mind was set
I decided to bloom
Yeah sunlight is cool but who says sunlight must come from the sun?
I am my own sun and my light comes from within
Yeah it’d be cool to have someone water me but people walk in and out this room
Guess what?
Theres no watering being done
Nobody cares
So now I choose to water myself
Woah look at me
I’m growing so beautifully
Strong roots, healthy leaves, vibrant roses
My roots lift me up and move me somewhere new
I am now a rose bush
I survived and outgrew that very dark room
I am free

Everything happens for a reason. I use this statement alot. I think in the moment of certain situations, events, memories. Past, present, and future. We think that things will never get better, feeling all sorts of emotions whether that be sad, angry , or frustrated. And why did this have to happen to me or that wasn’t fair or I don’t deserve this but what we don’t know the impact it will have months from now, and years from now. It is all planning a course you don’t know. All that teaches you a lesson or to make you be able to handle something harder than you know of. So you don’t make the same mistakes again. Gives you a whole new insight. And you will realize that it was meant to happen to be able to fight through to get to the other side. You can’t go back to the past but you can look at it and figure out how to change it. It won’t be easy and you may have old habits to break but its all about retraining your mind to be all that you want it to be and more

Kid, you’ll move mountains! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!

– Dr. Suess

I spent so much of my life comparing myself to others.
Talking myself out of things that I’ve craved to uncover.

I struggled to believe in myself, despite my best efforts.
I couldn’t think straight while being under so much pressure.

I settled for being comfortable, avoiding the unknown.
It wasn’t easy for me to step outside my comfort zone.

I lost myself for a while trying to love someone else.
Unconditional love is forever, but conditional love melts.

I made the ultimate sacrifice and left everything behind.
It was time for me to reclaim the life that was always mine.

Starting over can be frustrating, but there’s beauty in the madness.
My true purpose shined through in a time filled with sadness.

The attitude of gratitude kept me going through the pain.
Sometimes you have to lose, that’s just part of the gain.

A little progress each day adds up to big results.
You win by being humble, not acting on impulse.

It took me a while to finally believe, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

After the pain I learned to value my worth.
I’m no longer in last place, I place myself first.

If I can move mountains, so can you.
Dreams are reality disguised as a source of truth.

I’m conquering my mountains one day at a time.
I’m on the road to success, it’s my time to shine.

I breathe in anxiety.
I breathe out peace.
I hide from society.
I have no release.
My feet halts in its tracks
Because confidence I lack.
My belief system is faulty,
I don’t belong in this party.
I open my voice to speak,
But suddenly my words become meek.
They lodge in my throat;
This pain that I tote;
My voice is gone
And I can’t go on.
My non-belief inflicts pain,
And my anxiety drives me insane.
I breathe in doubt.
I breathe out peace.
I scream and shout.
I have no release.
Succeeding is my desire
Writing is my fire.
Though sometimes I get stuck
Because I feel like no one gives a f**k.
It’s hard to believe in me,
When nonchalance is all I see.
“Why you wanna do that?”
They say as we chat.
No uplifting words for me;
Then wants my money for free.
Their words is invading,
Scared my goals will begin fading.
I am held hostage in my mind
And it’s all because of my family line.
So on bended knee I pray,
To believe in myself today.
As I weep and I sit
A voice says Just Do It.

10-1-2024

Dear Dad,

Did you know what you instilled into me when you taught me to “keep on, keeping on,” as Bob Dylan crooned so many years ago? Sure, he sang of a woman he couldn’t free from his mind, but you taught me I need to free myself from my own mind. Took me decades to realize what weight those words held for me, how it pushed me through tough times, how it caused me to question each comfort I found in some new demise, and that I can – but must not – give up.

The first time you quoted this quip to me, I don’t even recall what fall I took. Must have been something light, merely a flesh wound (as another quote chides). Perhaps I
scraped my knee or fell off my bicycle. Whatever it was, it caused tears to roll down my cheeks as I processed the shock of physical pain. No whining though, just tough tears that I brushed off like a champ ready for the next bruise or abrasion, as I told myself to “keep on, keeping on.”

Next time, as I recall, was a bit closer to the heart. A so-called friend turned the other way when she found a prettier face or personality. No longer was my playmate knocking on my door or calling the house. I was yester-year, a has-been, a thing better left in the past. My ego took a big hit, but Dad, you lifted my head and bid me to keep it high, to look ahead and not behind and to “keep on, keeping on.”

As my mind and body grew, so did the darkness deep inside. I did not know if this aching was how everyone lived their lives or if I was alone in my depression. Too young to fairly compare, but too old to not notice the smiles and laughter that mocked the feelings I held hidden. Even you, Dad… I did not know if you knew what I had become… this black ball of misery and confusion just trying to “keep on, keeping on.”

Over the following years, which creaked by like rusting gears, I realized, Dad, that you too struggled to keep on. You’d come home late at night from work, with a grimace that sometimes scared me. You had your own darkness to work through. I wish I could have helped, but I was still so small and powerless, and drowning too. But I still remembered what you taught me – you must just “keep on, keeping on.”

When I finally reached adulthood I thought my new freedoms, that were denied to children, would open up my world and free my burdened soul. I fled the nest and forgot the past – even you, Dad, I had put behind me. But no light leaked through the hardened barrier I had built around myself over those tender years. Like the ants that creeped into my room, people crawled in and out of my life without much notice, rarely getting through my tough exterior. Meanwhile, as sour grades turned into expulsion, turned into low-paying jobs, turned into another existential crisis… I became deserted in my own hole of Hell. It was lonely without you, Dad, but I didn’t forget to “keep on, keeping on.”

Eventually though those words started losing meaning or got scrambled in my brain. I wanted to “keep on” but for what, I did not know, and each moment carried with it more questioning, suffering, and dread. It was as if I was drowning, trying to hold my breath in the midst of it all so as to not swallow in the deadly waters surrounding me. I found some things to help me hold my breath a little longer – drugs, sex, and cutting. You did not approve, did not understand, would not tolerate and so I pulled farther away from you. Then one day I found myself very close to death and you were there for me. You stopped judging me. You simply reminded me that I must “keep on, keeping on.”

That wouldn’t be my only brush with death and the third time I landed in the ER you had lost your patience. How could I explain that even though I held Bob Dylan’s words close to me, there was a part of me that had to self-destruct? It was as if a monster had sucked me into his very bowels and all my fighting was turning out to be worthless. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to “keep on,” it was more like I had lost the motivation and tools to do so. I was not just sick but broken beyond all repair… or so I thought at the time. Even though you couldn’t fathom my disease, you found for me a place where I could find wholeness. In a multitude of other languages, I relearned your old soliloquy to “keep on, keeping on.” I found old and new tools for fighting the monster that had taken me and slowly but surely reclaimed my will to live again. My healing and repair were not completed there, maybe it never will be, but I got to a place where I could breathe again. Since then, I have ventured further into the ocean depths of living, riding her waves with bits of calm to regain my courage. Sometimes it is barely enough, but those words to “keep on, keeping on” beat like a drum in the jungle synching along to the rhythm of my own heart. No matter the obstacles in my way or the enemies beating me down, I believe I will stay on the path of living and never fall backwards again.

Love,

Your First-Born Daughter,

Kara

There is a quote that stood solid in my sight one time after looking up quotes and writing them in my notebook when I still lived with my mom. Mahatma Gandhi is the author of the quote: “My life is my message.” I was staring at it for a while as if I needed these words engraved in my memory and they were engraved forever in my mind & soul.

Since I am the one who lived it, I would tell people my story growing up, which I saw as normal. I remember when I told my son’s grandma about my past to what I thought was normal and she stood up & shook her head because she couldn’t understand it. I told her it was fine because I was here with my head held high and able to tell my story.

I was never ashamed of the things that took place or the people in my story because I understood it was all part of my journey. I can look at the bird’s-eye point of view and always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes to understand why that action or reaction took place. Everyone has a story and sometimes we have to not judge the book by its cover and realize that there are chapters prior that we don’t know.

For example, when my dad took me from school without telling my mom about it, even though my mom had won full custody of me when I was a baby. My dad had done before and kept me away according to my mom. All this time I thought it was a vacation until last year or so. I remember telling my mom how I went from one person’s house to another and how fun that vacation was. Her response was, “Oh honey, that wasn’t a vacation. That was your dad keeping you from me. You were 5 years old, & he took you without telling me.”

My mom never once spoke ill of my father to me or in front of me. My dad on the phone said once that my mom was crazy. I told him then that means you say that I am crazy, dad because both of you created me and if she is crazy, then I am part crazy. He stayed quiet and retracted his statement.

With the years passing, I put myself in my dad’s shoes and understood why he did what he did. All he wanted was to keep me close and protect me because my sister, his first daughter, had passed at 15 in October 1989, which is also the same month that I was born.

When people ask me if I enjoy doing spooky things for Halloween or seeing a scary movie, my immediate response always is, “No, because life has been scary enough.” I know I have the God given gift of compassion and empathy to understand the person’s action & reaction. To put myself in the other person’s shoe and see them for who they are. To deliver the message of my life because it is my message. Just as your life is your message because it will inspire someone to give them hope of a deserved happy life.

I understand it is not about why is it happening to me but more of a what is this teaching me. I know God won’t put us in a situation that we cannot overcome.

I have overcome a few things that, without them, I wouldn’t be in the mindset that I am in. My miscarriage was my message to understand my dad’s actions a bit more. I have the power to do what I wished my dad had done & I am in charge of my story. I know that nothing worth having comes easy, but after all, I am worth it.

“Sometimes, true sophistication Is the ability to just be present and to let the rest just be.” Brianna Wiest

When I let things just be, I can invite more of what I was too distracted to see
Leaving behind the subconscious habit to judge and criticize
Letting the silent stillness of love and creativity to magnetize
Allowing wisdom and peace to be the filters I use to prioritize
I come out of my disguise
No longer letting compulsive thoughts rise
The emotions flow like breeze through the trees
And when I’m really present, I can hear the buzz of the bees
Because nature is always whispering and inviting ease
This is the time to just listen and receive
To gaze and retrieve
Letting self-evaluation and correction seize

A poem written to my first grandson Finnely Moon.
The day the moon stood still.
The world stopped spinning you put me under a spell.
Watching you sleep brings me such peace.
I never thought I would experience this moment and have such peace.
Here cradled in my arms how you feel so small.
But you control the oceans, light, and time.
How mighty powerful you are.
Who would ever guess how much I would love this Moon?
You’ve opened up my heart and allowed me to bloom.
Every time I’m around you I want to write poetry.
You bring out the muse in me filled with such creativity.
I’ve never felt such joy as when I became your grandmother and any darkness left over from the years dissipated at the moment you were born.
You have showered me with your light and bathed me in your joy.
It’s penetrated the very marrow of my bones and has filled my soul.
The day the moon stood still.
The world stopped spinning you put me under a spell.
Watching you sleep brings me such peace.
I never thought I would experience this moment and get to watch you sleep.

My dear,
He does not care.
I’m sorry if you think he did.
He doesn’t think about you at night.
I’m sorry if you think that he does or did.
He doesn’t see your face in a crowded room.
He could be looking at the woman behind you or next to you.
He never did care about you.
He only loved you chasing him because it fed his ego.
It made his ego bigger while making your self-esteem smaller.
He doesn’t remember the feeling of kissing your lips or being intimate with you.
He’s kissed so many lips and there have been many he’s been intimate with that he’s forgotten.
He forgot the color of your eyes when the sun hits them and the shape of your eyes…
Even though you remember the words he told you to make you feel important.
And those words?
Those words were probably the same words he told all of those other women.
You remember everything because everything with him was special for you.
The intimacy, the love, the words, the smiles, and the touch.
He doesn’t talk about you or mention you to others or tell you how badly he misses you.
He never did.
You’ve questioned that and you always will.
It’s time to stop overthinking that.
You are the only fool who does that because again, you are feeding his ego which make his insecurities go away but make yours come to light.
He doesn’t love you anymore and maybe he never did and just said those words to you to get what he wanted because he had that leverage over you.
I’m sorry honey but it’s time to let him go even if he is the father of your child and was your first love.
Even if he has been the person you’ve gone to for all of your problems.
And has been what you thought was your best friend and believed that your conversations between you two were kept between the two of you when some of them weren’t.
Walk away…
Let go of that love you are holding to.
Nothing is going to be like it was because it never was genuine.
Let him go.
Let it go.
Stop standing there paralyzed by the pain of what was done to you.
Move on.