life how quickly and swiftly things can change within a snap of a finger your life can never, may ever not be the same that day getting questioned into thinking their personal thinking wasn’t even their thinking into thinking what was ever a thought

of being on earth but listen there’s two things in this world being sane or insane but crazy is what most people would say or label you just because of one bad episode you had within your own television show
you watched that personal day

the show wasn’t really that good but in the ending why did it have to end badly?

Like some people would question and say but that’s just like people who can’t help but control majority of their emotions and feelings when they don’t know what’s GOING ON , ON, TURN ON!!!!

that television for what’s about to happen that day but then comes drama in every show
now all of a sudden all things change

the character, the time, the places, the plot even the EPISODE NAME but CRAZY is what you, you, him, her, she, them, they, whatever what people like you would even say because you don’t recognize change

you don’t know how it feels to be sane then insane then crazy for that specific day but SPECIAL BEING, Great individual, Intelligent person, caring, motivational, humanitarian, but you just call them everything else but their name

when you don’t recognize or could even acknowledge mental health as being crazy or insane like almost every ignorant person would think to say or rub off on special being in every single way

but the episode ended before you could even watch something else again but you didn’t see or acknowledge it before the transform of change

now you realize things weren’t ever really the same or there’s time for a greater change especially starting with the title of the episode name

A year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital because my bout with COVID had taken a turn for the worse. It started mild in mid-February but by March 3rd I could not shake my high fever of 105 degrees. As I was being wheeled to the triage nurse’s area. I prayed silently that I would walk out of the hospital alive. No, I was not being melodramatic. My fear is derived from being a sufferer of an autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. I knew the reality of compounding COVID with a compromised immune system can be a deadly combination.
As you can see, my prayer was answered but not without a challenging path. I spent three months in hospital on the road to recovery.
During the past year, I:
Celebrated my birthday unconscious on a ventilator
Spent a month and a half in the ICU fighting for my life
Had a tracheotomy to keep my lungs saturated with oxygen
Had to learn to swallow drink, and eat
Had to learn how to stand and walk after being in a hospital bed for so long.
Cried many days because I could not do the most basic things by myself like brushing my teeth.
Missed out on the first 3 months of my youngest’s Sophomore year because I was bedridden.
Cried during events like my child’s Choir concert, my daughter’s Sweet Sixteen party, and even pulmonary rehabilitation sessions because I couldn’t believe I’d made it out of the house
Have learned every single respiratory apparatus known to man. I have been living on oxygen since last March. So far, I have reconciled in my brain that it will probably be for life.
But have had some people (most people, because I have the best people in my life) show me incredible support and compassion—and share their stories with me
Long Covid and Rheumatoid Arthritis are not a great marriage but at least I am alive. Trying to figure out my new normal.
Learned about the realities of job hunting while on oxygen. I am so used to being able to hide my disability but now that I have a visible challenge it is much more difficult.
Even though my journey with Long Covid has been a rough one, I have my sense of humor through it all. I took pleasure in naming twin oxygen tanks after characters in one of my favorite cartoons. I have built my arm muscles because the two tanks along with the carrier are twenty pounds. In addition, I find joy in matching picking out fabric for custom tank covers. Of course, I see them as an accessory, and they have to coordinate with my outfit. My life has changed considerably over the past year. I am grateful to be able to do the mundane routines that I used to take for granted. I do not let my circumstances bring me down. As my grandmother would say, “I’m still here”.

Dear You,
From the day you were born, you had trouble.
Your parents always told you, “if you were the first you would have been the last.”
Your siblings always called you “fat lips” or “venus fly trap.”
Your friends always criticized you for asking “stupid” questions.
The hard truth is, you just didn’t know.
You thought you were going to be the highschool dropout, the failure of the family, the
kid that people always called “not the brightest crayon in the box” because you couldn’t read, or
write, or count, or do anything in particular.
Your looks were average, your learning capabilities were below average, so what could
you do to make it to the top of the food chain?
Absolutely nothing.
Cry yourself to sleep, harm yourself until your Mom screams at you and your Granny
tells you how disappointed she is. But it’s okay, you only wanted the attention anyway.
To feel loved, really.
You went from school, to school, to school.
Teachers could not teach,
Kids laughed at you for getting the answer wrong,
And you hated yourself.
Your favorite color was blue, you loved to read, and lacrosse was your escape from
reality.

You finally found your way up the food chain, you were athletic, you were called a
daredevil for the crazy things you did, but sometimes, you felt scared.
Mom and Dad wanted you to play lacrosse in college, but you were barely getting
through elementary school, middle school, high school. Everything was so pointless and you just
wanted to lay in bed until your Dad yelled at you to do something, anything, anywhere.
You found joy when you got two kittens. You named them Sassy and Buddy. They helped
you through the pandemic.
You got to snuggle them and they would never tell you anything that you didn’t want to
hear.
They only ever loved you.
You were diagnosed with mental disorders and learning disabilities.
Buddy had emergency surgery. He didn’t make it. Neither did your old dog, Lexi. Your
world shattered.
You vowed to cherish your animals for as long as possible. You vowed to take photos of
them whenever you could. You never know when they will leave this world.
You tried to be happy for the people around you. For your friends, your siblings, your
parents and teachers and anyone else who cared. It was always so, so hard.
You rediscovered your love for writing. Your teacher at your new school cared about you
and looked out for you. You made new friends. You committed to a college to play lacrosse. You
felt like you were healing.
You got into that college. You went to a suicide victim’s funeral, and then another. You
became angry at them, for leaving such a beautiful world. But then you remembered how ugly it
had been to you.

You moved away to college. You went to your Grand Dad’s funeral. You had a hard time
fitting in. You had to put down one of your horses at home on the farm. Your confidence was
faltering. But your academics were the only thing that mattered.
A’s and B’s. No more, no less. If you fail, your whole life would be for nothing. Your
dreams would be lost. Fail and you lose.
You enter your second year of college, and you confessed to your teammate that you
weren’t happy. You confessed to yourself at that moment, and you cried. She tells you that she
loves you, and she’ll help you get through this. Your other teammates are nicer to you, they talk
to you and involve you in things. It makes you happy to feel loved.
Even when it may not be real.
In your heart it’s real. It will help you feel better about yourself.
You vowed to love everyone so they never feel how you did for your entire life.
You vowed to heal.
Your journey isn’t over, and you have a long way to go. But through the ups and downs
you finally feel like you’re ready to find peace with yourself.
Dear You,
Thank you for loving you when no one else would.
You’ve been through so much.

Best,

Dear Mom… I’m sorry about my last letter.
Guess that was a big event for you too, huh?

Our last words will be our last.
I can’t tell you all I want to say, I want to, but I can’t.
Least not to your face, like always.

I miss you, I love you. I’m sorry.
A thousand times sorry, I had to go, I had to.

2021 was his 10th anniversary, and for each of those years, I did my best.
I was still a child, Mom. Where did you go…? Why were the walls of your room better than being with me? I wasn’t your natural born, and I sure know that now… She made sure of that.

I’m sorry about my last letter, Mom. It took months to find the courage. To say goodbye to the only person I ever knew. The meaning I gave my life – taking care of you. You wouldn’t know Mom, I cried myself to sleep for months after it. Wondering if I did the right thing, even though I had everyone’s full support, I tried. I tried. I gave my everything. I tried until I couldn’t.

It ended with us. And I’m the only one left out, like always.
I wanted the best for you, but I wanted the best for me too.
Neither of us was that.

I tried until my detriment, I tried. You were my world.
It has been some time, but life is better now,
and like before, it will get better again.

I miss you Mom, I hope you’re doing well.
I think about you almost every day.

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, I know why…
Every day I wish I could come back, to when it was good.
Somewhere you started hating me…
Maybe I had too much of my biological father in me, I don’t know.
You did often compare us two, while I was growing up.
What did you see in me, that made you hate me…

Maybe I’ll write again, there’s still so much left to say. My letters will be to you like they are to Dad. Addressed to the void and the stars. Words left unsaid.

Even in those unsaid words, I can say things are better, I can say I still love you, I can say I miss you. Goodbye Mom, until we meet in the void again.

Tears rolled down my face as I realized for the first time that I had to take accountability for the parts I played in the heartache, grief and disappointment I had experienced in my life.

For the ones I loved, I had always been willing to show up at the drop of a dime. Even overlook my self to be of service to others and when it wasn’t reciprocated it devastated me. Often I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to be treated as I had treated others? Why was my passion for people draining me? Why wasn’t I valued as I valued others? As these thoughts plagued my mind; I had never felt fulfilled but yet I still gave of myself; even if it was just fumes of hope and perseverance.

As I lay one morning, spiritually empty and struggling to understand the purpose for my life and the unbalanced return of my goodness. I heard a faint laugh followed by a voice that questioned me. “Do you know why you continue to be disappointed by (hu)man?” I sat clueless, speechless and puzzled and God answered, “Because you put your expectations in everyone except me!” The realization had smacked me dead in the face! I had totally disregarded God by not trusting HIM to be whom he said HE IS, HAS BEEN AND WILL BE! I hadn’t leaned on him, yet I had expected from others, what I needed; not what they were able or capable to give. Neither had I took the time to see if they were knowledgeable of how to give it.

For example, when I needed and wanted love; I picked and set upon individuals my expectations on how, when, where and what I wanted that love to look like. I was completely unaware or either I totally disregarded if they even knew how to love; what love was; when to show it or express it.

God showed me in that moment that I had put more faith in his creation than HIM, THE CREATOR. How crazy was I to do that? I had been putting him last to depend on, consult with and follow. I had unconsciously considered (hu)man to be more fulfilling to me than God and that’s why I had felt so empty.

From that day I stepped out the way and asked God to be God! I have never put a human before him again. I trust him with all of me and every aspect of my life. And in return he has granted me some of my greatest desires and the greatest of them all is MY PEACE. It wasn’t until I begin to trust him did I discover it had laid dormant in me the entire time, I just had to release it.

Cold, antiseptic air crushes down upon my chest
as barely padded steel pushes back from the other side,
effectively pinning my teenage body to a table
in a darkened room I don’t want to be in.
A heartbeat pounds in my ears— too fast
to be mine, yet instantly mine.
I watch the screen flutter with blurred vision,
regret for what I was there to do soaking my shamed face,
igniting a fierce protectiveness older than time.
My mind reaches outward to thank God
for orchestrating my enlightenment
and the pressure dissipates, replaced by determination that’s both weightless and dense.
Visions of my future shift faster than high-frequency sound images freeze and unfreeze,
their light searing fate’s Morse code into my consciousness
and I know with absolute certainty that any plans I had dreamt up
before this moment were imagined for an alternate self—
one who wasn’t yet strong enough to tackle life for two.

Dear Unsealers,

Life has an interesting way of getting us from one place to another. Often times to get from one place to another it can sometimes require walking through something difficult. That is exactly what I am wanting to share with you.

I remember being young and realizing I wanted to go into a specific profession. I dedicated my life to achieving this goal. I started going to college and volunteering with this organization. Every decision I made was geared towards working at this organization. It became my life. I began surrounding myself around the people that worked and volunteered with. I slowly began working more and more hours there. This organization became my world. It was all I could see.

As 2020 hit I was considered an essential worker so I worked through the pandemic. The type of work I did I was constantly on call and would often take my work home with me never really having separation between my personal and work life it was all so entangled. This was the year I finally graduated and was offered a position at this organization. After all those years of hard work I finally was living my dream. This was the last position I was going to have. Well that’s at least what I thought…

In 2021 I was sexually assaulted by a coworker in my home. I knew I had to come forward because I found out it happened to someone else. Upon coming forward I lost my dream position due to a decision I made out of fear that it would happen again. I was open about what I had done but it did not matter I was removed.

I had given every ounce of my being to this job. It became my family, my social world, and what I spent doing 7 days a week. In an instance it was gone. This thing that I had spent years working towards I had in my hands and it was ripped away. I did not know what to do and tried to end my life because I felt I no longer had a purpose.

I ended up needing to move away to try and rebuild. For the longest time I felt so lost, so broken and so alone because not only did I lose my job but I lost my whole social circle. While I was in it I knew it was unhealthy but I also knew that I never would have left on my own.

Looking back now as painful as it still is I can see how blessed I am that I am out of that environment. I have been presented with so many opportunities that I never would have had.

My message for you is that if you have just been injured and can no longer play your sport, if you have lost that dream job or are experiencing any major loss… I see you…. It hurts. It may feel like you have nothing to live for but I promise you you are resilient. You matter even without that sport or that job. There is so much more to life. You may not be able to see the light but take it day by day.

I am truly grateful for where I am now and how I have the privilege everyday to speak into the lives of our youth and to encourage them. Good things can come from the darkest parts of our stories. I now know my purpose was never that job. My purpose is not about my status. My purpose in life is to show kindness and love others and that is something no one can ever take away.

You are strong, you are brave and you are loved no matter where you are in your life or what you are facing. Joy will come.

One Saturday afternoon I got this weird feeling in my gut
I felt this deafening silence and decided to look you up
Your obituary appeared before my eyes and informed me that you are now dead
But not the kind of dead where services I can go to mourn
No… the kind of dead where you’ve already been from 3 years before
Only hours after this discovery and seeing the grass on your grave has already grown
My perception of time was forever blown
Then seeing a picture of you from our wedding displayed on your tombstone
I felt like my brain broke a little like a clock losing a part
So much to process and didn’t know where to start
In addition to my already throbbing broken heart
How could this be
I just don’t understand
Not one person could tell me you no longer stand
Even after divorce we still remained friends
We argued alot but didn’t notice our friendship had an end
Now you lay here before me and my whole world has changed
I feel weak and unsteady
And nothing around me looks the same
I know it was me who insisted on that first drink
I had no idea what that would bring
I guess I didn’t think
I asked for God’s forgiveness and I feel forgiveness he has given
I meant no harm. Just wanted a fun moderate way of living
I didn’t know what was in store
where most days for you without a drink would be such a bore
I know in the end you asked for me back because the winnings mattered no more
But by then I belonged to someone else and your drinking to me just sounded like a chore
But I go back to Burritos in bed
You playing frank sinatra before I lay down my head
You hit those lucky numbers and your bank account grew
The ups and downs in store for us we didn’t have a clue
I couldn’t keep up with your excitement for life
I thought it was enough just being your wife
I was there before your big bang
I was there before your bell rang
I felt like you left me choking on your dust
I felt so depressed, fat and alone that change for me became a must
I look up a lot and talk to the sky
I’m learning how to listen and am getting answers to my why’s
Your death saved my life
In heaven I’ll always be your wife
When I hear frank sinatra and purple rain
Memories of you dance around in my brain
My darling husband in heaven it was a heck of a ride
Thanks for hitting my feet with your tide

Dear Unsealers,

When I was married, my ex-wife and I fought a lot.

We were married for eight years, together for thirteen.

You would think we would learn to get along by then.

We tried couples therapy for almost three years, to no avail.

It came to me one day.

I never felt right with her.

I never felt as if I could tell her anything.

I hid a lot of my life from her.

She read me her journal entries.

I kept mine under lock and key.

Something inside of me told me not to trust her.

And it came to me:

I never felt like she was home to me.

I always felt out of place.

As if I weren’t welcome in her heart.

Because I never let her inside mine.

I left her the next day, for good.

I walked away from thirteen years of misery – emotional homelessness and destitution.

I could not, in my heart and soul, stay with her another day.

I thought that was the turning point of my life.

When I found a new place to live in, I felt the same.

I had not found home, even back with my family of origin.

My dad reluctantly welcomed me and threatened to kick me out several times.

I felt unwanted there, too.

When he died, I found relief.

But I still had not found home.

I was still with my loving mother, who said I always had a home with her.

She meant a domicile, not a true home.

I don’t think I knew what a home was, yet I was still trying to find it.

I searched far and wide.

I drove everywhere, speaking with the locals.

I formed tight friendships locally, sharing our lives together.

Where was home?

I still hadn’t found it.

It was not under a roof.

It was not with loved ones either.

I searched outside of myself my entire life – for four decades.

It was time that I looked for home from within.

I found that my home was bare.

I went to building and decorating.

I built on the foundation of my values – creativity, compassion, camaraderie.

I created routines that kept the home functioning.

I cleaned up the cobwebs in my mind by journaling, meditating, and reflecting.

I nurtured my interests – art, writing, mental health advocacy – and that garden flourished.

I secured my boundaries and exercised caution with whom I let inside my home.

After all this work, I realized I had only scratched the surface.

There is a lot of upkeep required.

Constant home improvement projects.

Weeding out the structures and objects that do not suit me.

Slowing down occasionally so I don’t burn out.

Making time for fun.

The work never ends, but it’s worth my time and attention.

It is my home.

I am home.

Establishing good friendships will take you far in life. Maybe places you haven’t thought of. More times than not, they’re good to have, which starts with you.

Having good people in your life requires you to be the same kind of person. A person that cares, a person that’s genuine, that person that’s supportive, and also a good friend requires honesty(just to name a few).

Just being there for someone is a great way to help build a friendship. And being good to them while you’re there is even better. Listening, hearing them out and allowing them to vent to you. Not being so critical of judgmental, but open and honest with them about the things that may come. Everyone needs love and support in life and friends are good to have for such things.

Big things doesn’t always have to be done in life and especially friendships, but the little things are a lot of times all we need. The little things say so much in a friendship. They can show support, love, and even acceptance. Whether it’s giving that person advice, inviting that person to an event, or just checking on them and seeing how they’re doing. Reminding them that they’re valuable. That can go a long way for a friendship.

So remember what it takes to be a good person and to be a good friend. Remember that others have feelings and lives as well, not just you. And remember the value of a good friend, so that you can be of good value yourself.

A life of harm done. Or so I thought.
Trauma responses from my caretakers. Fear, abandonment, deep rooted pain and dysfunction going on within my entire immediate family. I wasn’t the only one – I was just the youngest one.
Life became confusing to me, and the cycle of drugs, domestic violence & poverty kept creeping back into my life going up until my mid 20’s.
I could name a lot of different times where my life was at crossroads, and all sorts of different choices that probably changed my life, as well as major life events and losses that have occurred. Majorly, the sudden loss of my brother in September of 2020 from a drinking & driving accident.
But that wouldn’t be enough. See, it wasn’t just one turning point for me. I have been on a continual spiritual journey since November of 2010. Accepting treatment and entering the journey of healing from PTSD and substance abuse was a pivotal moment in my life for sure.
Once I released and faced all the truths about myself, confronted myself in the mirror, and walked through my past traumas with the support of all my Angels and my network here on Earth – suddenly, things started slowly shifting. Not instantly, but things got better for me. Monetary things returned. My faith returned, and my life started getting better. I’ve had a few bumps & falls but am blessed to say I got right back up.
I always thought I was a victim. I now know that I am a survivor. This mentality has majorly changed me for the better. It’s not to downplay anyone’s trauma, but to be able to say you walked away from it and are still alive to tell the story, is an inspiration to mass amounts of people still silently suffering. There is also an inner freedom found in it that I did not know existed.
Taking the time to sit with myself, go for walks, color pictures & enjoy being in the present moment. Laughing, dancing – just like a kid. I’m giving new childhood memories back to myself. I can hold on to the good memories that I have & do my best to mourn the bad. I now know what self-love is. I’m giving that back as well, and I’m giving it to my children, and any other kids that may cross my path. These are all gifts that cannot fully be explained. But certainly, all turning points in which I have chosen to walk along the paths that lead me to happiness.
I Now hold my head and shoulders up higher when I look and speak with people.
I speak up for myself, and my loved ones.
I show gratitude, kindness and respect to Mother Nature, my High Power and thank the Universe for continuously showing me that I have a purpose here on this planet. Even if others don’t see it yet.
I suppose in hindsight as I sit here in this present moment overlooking the Great South Bay of Long Island – my true Turning Point was finding ME.

Love Always,