To My One True Love, 

Those words might sound weird or not make sense to you now, but if you start to refer to yourself as love, your true love, you will experience the magic inside of you, unfolding and taking you to all of the places you could ever want to go. You are the living love story of you. 

Your fear of surviving is merely an illusion, my love. I don’t mean to be blunt, as you sometimes tend to take things very personally, I simply mean to convey that when the lingering thoughts of quitting college commence, flow with them. As you begin thinking and feeling about how farming in Ireland is more appealing than your writing classes and literature studies, listen. You’ve only known the linear path that most are expected to live, but the world, and your human experience can be much more grand than that. Deep down, you know this already, but the attempted ingrained notion that has been passed down to you, is not yours. It’s the illusion given to you from your father, my love, and it does not belong to you. 

You tend to hide the essence of who you are from your mother, so that you can convince yourself she accepts you. My love, this too, has nothing to do with you. While you believe that you must prove you are worthy of respect and admiration, learn to discern, to understand, grapple with the perfection you already are. Your core ideologies are rooted in love. You don’t realize it, but you yearn to be a fierce woman. I validate you from the future; it is safe to allow yourself to be all that you are. Lose the people pleasing pattern of behavior, and you will be pleased with yourself. 

Everything you desire, desires you too. Go to Ireland, have lovers, get tattoos, go to Chicago and attempt a career in stand up comedy-go down the roads that call to you. You will know yourself in a different way than I have come to know us, but we will end up in the same place because the message we were born to share has never changed. I feel no shame in my choices, but I followed the linear path, the path led by outside forces to “success”. Chase what brings you joy from the beginning, that’s having it figured out, that’s why we’re here. Inevitably, you will experience loss, pain, disappointment, failure, but it feels so much better if it’s something your heart told you to do instead of your mind. I took an education course and hated it, but I knew I was here to teach. I taught in a public school during a pandemic and it took that experience to tell me, I can teach somewhere else, in a different place, in a way that suits me, us. 

You are a writer, you know this; this knowledge makes up the plasma, cells, and platelets in your blood. No professor, no parent, no person can tell you who or what you are. You decide what you are for yourself and since before you could even write, it was instinctual that you were born to tell stories. Go live the stories you dream of and go tell the people what you’ve learned. I’m doing it now, and perhaps maybe these are the stories I’m meant to be telling and teaching, but love, the thought of looking back and seeing smiles instead of anxieties brings peace to the soul. The world will wait for you, 

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P.S. Just go ahead and get shaving your head over with instead of doing it when you’re 29.

Love, 

A letter to younger Jim,

Ahh yes…writing to myself as a youngster.  So many good times, but yet, the main thing I want to do is grab you and shake you and say “cmon man! get in the game!” lol. More on that in a bit. But moving on. I remember you being pretty shy in your high school days. Not always. But painfully shy in some instances. On the basketball court or on the baseball field, you were as much in your element as you could have been. Outside of that, not so much. You weren’t crazy about getting called in in class, and I wish you didn’t worry so much about giving speeches that you almost made yourself sick thinking about. And if a girl liked you, that was a GOOD thing. Not something to avoid, young Jim. I remember you purposely avoiding girls that liked you in junior high, or even friends of this person. Because you didn’t want to deal with them asking “did you talk to Michelle?”. I remember you hoping that the teacher wouldn’t call on you in some classes. But in others, you were vocal. Why not all the classes young Jim? Well, now young Jim, at my  job, I actively seek to give my opinion on things during meetings. I have the confidence to state my case on things, even to people higher up on the chain than you. And guess what? I’m usually right. And guess what again? YOU probably were right and informed back then, younger Jim.  I often say “if i could relive my high school days knowing then what I know now, it could have been more fun”. Thats true too. Don’t get me wrong- I enjoyed what we did in high school. We had fun. But young Jim, coulda been so much more fun  Not just talking with girls, but classes would have gone better, been more fun.  I guess we just weren’t quite ready to take on the world quite yet back than, huh?

Things have improved through the years. Your confidence has picked up. You’ve taken a “what the hell” approach to things at times. The unknown has become less of a fear for you. Same w change. You have adapted to change more lately. You’ve tried new things. New experiences. You have come to the belief that you are as good as anyone. That you don’t need to defer to anyone. At times, you are realizing the silliness of being so shy back in the day. But also, because you are so much older and wiser now (wink,wink), you also realize that maybe if you were brimming with confidence, that maybe cautious and unassuming young Jim might have been replaced by cocky and confident Jim..and maybe some bad decisions may have been made, and maybe some trouble would have been gotten into. So all in all, no regrets. No point in wishing away things about days that have already transpired, right? I think we have come a long way and made a lot of improvements. We are still working on that eye contact thing. But hey- step by step right? I promise you young Jim, older Jim is gonna keep growing. We’ve done good

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Dear Younger Self,Right now, you’re just getting used to the country world you live in North Carolina. Life seems simple. You listen to your parents. You have your sisters teaching you your ABCs and pretending that you’re in a classroom with toy animals, getting you prepared for kindergarten. As you become a kid. You enjoy the time you spend with your family and other relatives that give you a taste of their world and what it’s like. I wish I could tell you that your journey will be smooth sailing from your youth to your present self, but, I would be doing a big disservice to you by not telling you the truth in a genuine way.

From when you start school (and outside of school) you will endure countless challenges that will test your will and your mental strength. You will have a tough time making friends because you’re just wired differently from other kids. You will start to have doubts about yourself and believe that something is wrong with you.

You’ll ask yourself ”Why can’t I connect with most of my classmates? or ”Why are they so mean to me? I’m just trying to fit in and figure things out.

The world outside of school will slowly become harsher and meaner as you get older. You’ll have experiences like asking an adult if you can use their phone to call your dad after marching with your JROTC group, only for them to give you a nasty look and keep walking away. You’ll even experience harsh lessons with your own family members on how cold the world can be. The more reality tries to get you to accept these truths, the more defiant you become in not accepting these truths.

Your optimistic mind refuses to accept that it’ll always be this way. But, the relentless negative experiences will begin to wear you down throughout your middle school, high school & your early 20s. You will start to feel like you’re losing your core self, being around people who don’t have your best interests at heart and who love tearing down others. You’ll have many nights when you just break down and let out your pain, after holding in too much in for so long. But, don’t fret younger self, the story will get better.

Life will start to make sense in your mid-20s. You’ll start to see a way out of the tall forest. You’ll run into people who like you for you and who you can open up with on a deep level. Some people you’ll come across on the internet and others offline. They’ll even help you find out or rediscover who you really are. You’ll begin to blossom and have the courage to love yourself with pride & show it to the world (even if others don’t have that same love for you). You’re going to be battle-tested in ways you won’t believe. But, these battles will show you how strong and tough you really are. You won’t see it while you’re growing up, it’ll take years to see the results of your trials and tribulations. But you will see and be glad about your progress. You will also learn that guys who looked tough and strong, won’t last long on their journey. Some of them were killed in their early 20s being around an environment that doesn’t allow people to grow in a positive way. But you (and others) got out.

You have a long road ahead of you, but the destination will be so sweet when you get to your present self, and the best part is your present self is still growing and evolving. So to my younger bubbly self, I say rejoice and take your battles with glee. I wish I could have don’t that, knowing what I know now.

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