Hello Fear,

Do you remember when we were both little girls, and you told me that all chandeliers are haunted? Or after I saw the movie Jaws, all forms of water, including my shower, would cause a shark attack? Or if I didn’t list every single person I cared about before going to bed, they would die (that might have to be a letter to OCD)? You are a silly little prankster, aren’t you?

Although as I got older, your tricks became more mature—therefore, more daunting. You have a powerful voice that becomes overwhelming. Everyone hates you. You won’t succeed at anything. You can’t break up with your abusive boyfriend. You can’t speak up. You are a disappointment. You are so consumed with me you can’t move. I am stagnant. 

I had anxiety levels that could power electricity. I could barely speak in the home I lived in. I struggled to make friends. I couldn’t stand up for myself. This caused me to stay in situations that perpetuated more fear. A terrible feedback loop. A fear-back loop, if you will.

I could never understand why I let you have all of this power. You crept into every single area. The weight of all of your thoughts was so heavy that you were crushing me. I couldn’t lift myself up. I couldn’t climb out.

I didn’t feel fulfilled. I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t see a point in living. You pushed me around so hard; I didn’t think there was a way out. 

I kept asking myself, what is the answer? What should I do? I will do anything. After years of asking these questions, therapy, and online help groups, I started to put the pieces together. 

I am the only one that can save me. I am the only one that can change me. Fear isn’t someone else, but a part of me—therefore I have control.

So, I did what I never thought I would ever do in my life. Run towards you.

I did something that scared the living shit out of me. A live storytelling competition. The reason for this decision was because one of my fears was the fear of being perceived. I needed to tackle my fears one by one, and this one was the starting point. 

It was in front of a large crowd. Contestants don’t know when they are going up to perform, and they get ranked immediately on a scale from 1 to 10. 

When I got to the venue, I was shaking, dissociating, and panicking. As I was watching the other performers, fear got louder. It was the loudest you had ever been. You are not good enough for this. These people are so much better than you. You are going to choke. You don’t know what you are doing. I looked at my friend at that moment and said “I don’t know if I can do this, I think I want to go home.” Fear almost won. Key-word is almost. 

At that moment, my name was called. It was my turn. I was up. Everything stopped. Time froze. I couldn’t leave now. I thought that the fear would kick into high gear, but you didn’t.

In fact, I heard a new voice in my head. One I had never heard spoke. She was kind. She was gentle. Uplifting. Motivating. I didn’t know who she was, but she told me it is okay. You got this. You are just doing it for you and no one else. Just do it to show yourself that you can. Prove fear wrong.

And then I went up there. 

I don’t remember all that happened. I blacked out. I think that is a trauma response. 

But I do remember how I felt. Euphoric, fulfilled, so incredibly proud, and above all else—confident. Never in my life would I have expected myself to feel confident up there, especially because fear was telling me I would feel the opposite. 

I got off the stage, and there was cheering. A lot of it. I couldn’t believe it. My friend was crying tears of joy. I was shaking with emotion. Not good, not bad, just an overwhelming sense of emotion.

I ended up winning the competition that day. Me. The girl who was scared of anything and everything. 

Fear, you are a tricky thing. You are scary, debilitating, and can cause people to take no action with their life. But, maybe, you are a sign. If I didn’t confront you, I would have never known that storytelling is something I am passionate about and—hell—even good at!

Maybe you are pushing me to be someone I never knew I could. Once I faced you, I saw all that I was capable of.

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