It’s exhausting. Over-explaining, then under-explaining because now I’m scared to open my mouth and talk about it. Always an argument, always a debate, always a back and forth. I’m tired of it. So many times I have to correct myself to stroke people’s egos that I am now trapped in my own mind. I belittle myself to make others feel big. I have to explain over and over what I mean when I’m simply speaking to someone without the ability to comprehend. I diminish my thoughts because others are insecure. I hate being fake; I’d rather be real even if it hurts. See, no one ever holds their tongue with me, but I have to abide. So misunderstood, I feel like one of those princesses that’s great, but people have me locked inside. I’ve created my own anxiety and insecurity because I can’t be me. Overthinking every response because I don’t want any backlash. I’m tired. I’m tired of being caged while others roam free. Their trauma runs so deep they can only hear from their level of “free.” I’m paralyzed when others don’t do their healing work. I’m constantly in circles because others are hurt. When I’m alone, I know my worth. Being around those who don’t understand me cages me mentally. I just want to be free to be me without the misunderstandings.

I love Joy. It’s spontaneous, it’s new, it’s always unexpected, but it always feels so good.

I love Joy; it’s simple, not complicated; it doesn’t boast or brag; it’s just simply exhilarating.

I love Joy, the only time I don’t feel down. Joy feels like running through a field of flowers, being hugged for a very long time, and laughing so much that tears roll down your eyes. Joy is so beautiful. Even thinking about it brings a smile; there is no doubt about it. I think I may just share the love of my life. I don’t mind sharing because we all need Joy. It’s irreplaceable, unforgettable; it’s embedded in our hearts and minds. I love Joy, don’t you?

Dear Anxiety,

You have made me feel scared for the last time. You have made me feel like I was incapable to achieve my goals and live out my dreams. You have made me feel as if no one around cared about me. Anxiety, you have sent me down paths I have not even gone yet. Taken me places I may never go. My imagination is reality with you around. I can no longer live in my head. I can no longer think what if. I can no longer have you resting in my soul. Anxiety, it’s time for you to go.

Stepped outside of my comfort zone
I tried something new
At first I was scared but happy it’s something new
I agree to a date, Not sure if I’m ready
It went so well I’m in love, Already?
A few years later we’re here again
we make some jokes
we play some games
we’re on a beach like we were on our first date
he asks if I’m ready
the sun has set
he takes my hand and bends to say
we were here before and I have to tell ya
He says all these beautiful things, I love him too
He says you ask how much I love you, let me show you
He pulls out a box on one knee
I smile so big, through tears, I try to see
A huge rock shinning under a light
He says will you Marry me
I say yes and squeak!
I never knew someone could ever love someone like me
Anxiety, depression, goofy, and all the odd things about me
People love my light so they cling to me
but I’ve been hurt so much from people trying to dim me
He came into my life and lit me back up
I can’t believe next year
We will become one.

We’ve come so far I hope you’re proud. I finally am. I’m writing to say you can let me go. I wondered why I was so sad, angry, and mad all the time. I realized I was allowing you to keep my defenses up, from what we’ve been through. I know you’re protecting me but now I need to protect you. It’s time for me to return to my happy, child-like self, my dreams, my goals, my hopes, and all the things little girls think of. The things you were robbed of. It’s time for big Ashley to protect you now. So I’m writing to tell you, you can let me go. We were not helpless, we were not lonely, people do like us, we do have real friends, we do have genuine love, and I can protect us now. So Dear little Ashley, you are now free. We’re finally happy and we’re healed. We love life. We live life. We’re as strong as can be. It’s time to let me go. It’s time to be free. It’s time to get together and be authentically me.