Dear Self,

I want to say thank you to You! By the way You are beautiful.
Self you have endured many struggles and sleepless nights but you held tight. Thank you!
Self you were laughed at and made fun of and did not know that there was a Light. A light that shined brighter when it is in the correct space and with the right people. That light is inside of You, Thank you! Self, you dreamed a lot when you were an adolescent and then slowly became distracted. I want to thank you because you reacted to the distractions by pushing through and fulfilling your dreams. Self, You were told by others that you were worthless and would not amount to anything but you silenced those voices. You made greater choices and they worked best for you. Thank You! You allowed yourself to persevere through it all and You stood tall. Thank you! Self you were given names and behaviors that were unexplained but You remained a conqueror. Thank you!
Self, you wore many hats and are still trying out new ones that fit properly. You parented single handedly, taught well, and soothe the tears of your little ones. Thank You!
Self I have seen you become your better self and cannot wait until I see your greater self.
Self, Thank you so much for not giving up on You. Self, You continued and still is showing up and looking up. Self continue looking your challenges in the face and take your place in the space that you are so deserving of. Now go to the closest mirror, smile, and shout, “Thank You,” to You!

Sincerely,
Self A.K.A. YOU

What do I even call you? Gregory? Lillie? I’ve wrestled with that these last few months as I’ve been finding myself in this world and really trying to figure out WHO I am.
On paper and in pictures and in so many people’s memories, you were a little boy and on some levels that still bothers me that I was robbed of a childhood I only ever was able to dream about and beg for. And for years, I blamed you. I hated you so much. I couldn’t stand you and I called you every single name in the book and I probably made up a few along the way as well.
It was your fault I couldn’t be a girl. You didn’t stand up for me. You didn’t speak up when you had the chance. Who else could I blame? All I could do was turn that anger inward, on you, on us. But the facts are, you existed before the internet. You didn’t know there were people like us out there. And being from a small town certainly didn’t help when you didn’t even know there was a community.
So as part of OUR healing process I need to look at the facts. And Gregory, you did the best you could with what you had. So many of your actions were due to various trauma responses and I can no longer be angry with you for that. Somehow you knew that the world wasn’t ready for me.
So, you kept me safe, and you suffered alone for decades. You gave up your youth to protect me. You became a father because you knew I would never bear children of my own. All this you did for me and so much more. You had to grow up so fast in a world that would never have accepted me back then. And you did all that in order to protect me when I thought you were being selfish.
My hope is that you can forgive me for the bitterness I felt towards you for all those years as you kept me safe. My hope is that through reflection and inner child work that you and I, Gregory and Lillie, can finally be healed and whole. This is so much more than me saying thank you for keeping us safe. For preparing me for the world and giving me the tools to navigate it. This is me asking you for your forgiveness for not understanding the burden you put on yourself and all that you gave up so that one day I could exist. So, thank you Gregory. Thank you for everything. Because of you and your sacrifice, I’m able to exist.

Disclaimer:
This is a warm drink, sip slowly.
Appreciate the notes hidden within the ingredients.

Hey, You…or shall I say Me?

In correspondence with Myself, I offer this Memoir.
The singing of an unsung dedication.
Merits to You; I declare to also be Me.

I’d like to open this letter of appreciation, connect various clues,
While Journeying amidst the gratitude.

You accepted a mission, the lively hood of enduring,
As if it were some kind of trend.

Here in this place, I attach my fist pin, on the day the bronco ride of your life began.

Beyond 4lbs. and 11 oz, You prevailed,
Eluding the proclamation to be “the weaker twin.”
From Struggling to live, to living to defend.
You stood up for Her. Your other half from the womb, Your best friend.

CHEERS!
To making laughter the language I deeply comprehend.
A Smile from ear to ear is always a Means to soothe, express delight, and to amend.

Full is my heart!
Melodies escape the chamber guarded by Your lips.
Melodies made to worship, mourn, and to uplift.

“Hear Hear,”
To Your wanting of more each day.
Reaching higher is a gift. Allow Yourself to imagine, to dream, and occasion to drift.

I concur
Desiring discovery, You inquire with persistence, uncovering one thing and another.

Prompted by a basic, “What if?”

I thank You for being the person that those leaning on You can depend.

Standing Ovation, BRAVO!
You offer presentation of Yourself unapologetically. Classy, Brassy, and Tiff.
Shamelessly portraying yourself, unaware of how to be anyone else.

Much oblige
Clinging on to The Most High,
Resting on assurance of a VICTORIOUS WIN He promised to provide!

Now, Concerning the dreams You were unable to apprehend.

I sigh at the thought of you being given unto love.
A devoted characteristic of You;
Even when they treasured it with the underside of their shoe.

PERMISSION GRANTED
Relieve the reservoir.
Release built up pressure,
Allow the dams to overflow.
Rushing down the mural of your face.
Liberate the pain residing deep within.
Mourn those No longer counted to be a friend.

You chose life when poisonous thoughts lusted for an end.
For this I thank you Most of all, you didn’t bend.

I salute Your courage
Being fluid when things got stiff.
You came out swinging. Never considering,
against the wall Your back would be pinned.
deemed unable to recognize the future you had planned.

LOOK AT YOU!
Picking up the pieces and creating a new outlook;
Although the image held up before You had shattered when shook.
You persevered Searching for a line of silver, covered in soot.

CONGRATULATIONS!
No looking back
Once the foot met the pavement, that was that.
Bravery made room for love again this time it fluttered, lingered, and did transcend.
This Love Granted strength,
In turn, advancing Me beyond barriers placed by those who hardly dare to dream.
You have become Immune to the projections of doubt and self-limitations.
Heroically we display our talents
Ever pursuing of The Summit, You were said to ONLY “hope” to reach.

You REFUSED collapse under pressure,
RELUCTANT to buckle,
RELYING firmly on what You believe.

When Deterioration was Determined to Dim my Light.
You were Indestructible, Thank you,
I know you’ve had many rough nights.

I Wish I had the power to step into a memory
Giving appeal to Deja Vu
I’d Place my hand upon your shoulder
Illuminating the illusion that had trapped you

Although adverse,
Possibilities may yet be obtained.
You are a Beacon of inspiration to Me, the future of You.
Thank You for holding Memories as passwords, that unlock the secrets of this constructed identity.

I RAISE A GLASS!!!
Even though the experience tasted sour, I applaud You for making the attempt.
I must say we aren’t half bad considering the story we have lived.
So Here’s to learning from the past, mistakes are the Alma Mater.

Dear Ashley,

I never told you this, but I appreciate your endurance. I wanted to write this letter to thank you for showing me that heartache and pain doesn’t last forever. Back then, he took away our innocence and caused us to be in a dark place. He left us unprotected, alone and afraid. For years we looked over our shoulders and hid from our nightmares, afraid that the boogeyman would come back for us. Somehow, one day, the nightmares faded until they disappeared. Each day since then, you showed me how the pieces of our life should fit again. I remember the fear and terror in our eyes, but it has been replaced with the glimmer of hope shining through.
Thank you for teaching me how to fly. When the heat is rising, all we have to do is spread our wings and fly above the fire. I won’t burn because of you and my scars have healed because you learned how to overcome it. The song that’s written in my heart can flow freely.
Thank you for liberating my mind so I am no longer a slave to the prison of my imaginations. I can exist in a space of wholeness and peace. There is hope here, and fear cannot abide.
I’ll wrap this up by saying thank you for giving life a chance, when the opportunity came to give up and end it all, you pressed through and gave us another chance. Thank you for enduring until our last breath.

Sincerely,
Me

I am writing this letter to remind you that you are an unstoppable warrior, that you are the living image of perseverance, resilience, and humility. I thank you because you have navigated turbulent currents and have never stopped rowing. You are so important to your family and friends that you sometimes forget the meaning of your existence. Thank you for that big and kind heart that God gave you, and above all, thank you for putting into practice those gifts that God placed in your being.
Dear me, always learn to value each of your achievements, because they all deserve to be recognized and applauded. Thank you for your daily struggle and for contributing to forming a better world. I thank you and congratulate you for your tireless spirit. You are truly admirable.
You have gone through dark and gloomy times when there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and thanks to your faith and strength, you overcame every adversity. Thank you for finding that light at the end of the tunnel, where your inner self told you that it was the right thing to do at that time.
Thank you for that humanism that characterizes you. You have a heart of gold, always willing to help without receiving anything in return. Thank you for that divine spark that you reflect in the lives of those around you.
Beloved, you are unique. Thank you for every act of love that you have performed for others. Thank you for not letting anyone extinguish that inner light that you carry within your being.
Thanks for being a genuine inspiration to others. You inspire people to do better, to make a better effort, to appreciate the little things that truly bring permanent joy. Thank you, my dear, for being the most humble, compassionate, and authentic person in the world. Thank you for being the smile to others suffering in pain.
Thank you for being the wonderful mother, the perfect daughter, the exceptional wife that some people found in me. Thank you for anticipating every need. Thank you for forgetting your needs and putting aside your desires to make the time and effort to prioritize others first. Thank you for being an accountable person. Your value is infinite, and your presence is invaluable.
Thank you, my dear, for being a kind, spiritual, and generous soul. Your magnetic presence attracts amazing people into your life. Thank you for your help to those in need. Your perseverance is unmatched.
Thank you, my dear me, for sharing those wonderful dishes with the people you love the most. You delight them with your exquisite culinary skills. Thank you for making them enjoy every gift of yours.
Thank myself for feeding the poor, the unwanted, the hungry, the forgotten people that nobody cares about. Thank you for taking the time, effort, love, and initiative to think about others in need. Thank you for finding those people and having the opportunity to make a difference for them. Thank you for acting in their favor. Thanks for thinking of them. They appreciate your presence, food, and help.
Thank you, my dear self, for being patient in moments of despair and uncertainty. Your patience has allowed God to work in your favor and give you victory. Thank you for being that wrestling woman who breaks down limitations and shows the world that willpower is power, even if you find yourself in the worst circumstances.
Thank you to life for letting me guide, listen to, and comfort sad souls. Thank you for letting me be in the right place at the right time. Thank you for finding those kind words to express to others in sadness, and thank you for being their peace and faith in moments of frustration. I’m pretty sure the Lord helped me. Thank you, God, for that.
Dear, lastly, I want to thank you for doing your best in everything you undertake. You are a clear human example that the limits are only in the head. Thank you for overcoming cultural and language barriers to show that you are a special and intelligent being with an amazing mind. Thank you for those spectacular ideas that have resulted in incredible outcomes. I simply want to say:
Thank you for existing.

I wanna say thank you to me, my forever love and best friend.
You are a rarity none the less. Though we are a complex species to the beings of this world,
In our dimension we mirror gaze inside the double phantom crystal ball that expands inward as if we are some sort of device like a kaleidoc terrarium .
“Knowing that she who smiles back carries more inner beauty , than a quiet walk through a never ending gallery at mid night”.
with halls of ART that stretch in a curvature of explosive colors that are mystique,
In so many words ,.. I wanna thank me for being unique with a blush tone of mysterious Chic.
Like the luminescent gleam that smolders in the shadows of the nebula that stands stuck in the middle of the universes black hole.
I am – bleeding love at the center point.
Meaning I appreciate my shadows that create rainbows like paint to my depth.
A tidal wave of intellect like an ancient farer at sea who aimlessly pondering over the bow of her boat. And over in the waters, lies her mind scrying in the ocean as if its a vast canvas reflecting a light show.
the sparkles from the night, help connect the stars from down below that reflect from her , like a cosmo of fires from up high as i rearrange the light glow with a seashell, like tic tack toe.
Damn,… I wanna say Thank you for your wild thought of an imagination. A safety net from the cumbersome world that we run from , to disconnect and save face as we escape.
I love that we shelter each other from the noise outside as we create movies on the inside with vivid projectors as we roam the portals of divinity to our sacred sensuality , that only you and I are invited too … “ I wanna say Thank you for being my rescue.”
Like timeless music, Your are the lovers rock i cling to in a storm , you sing to me like Sade when she hums and says these words in that one song, “ I will be your friend Til the end of time, I will be your friend, Im here to make you smile … In the mirror face to face as we Sing with a smile as we lock eyes”.
The words in those songs seem to be more like scriptures of the future from you to me at this present as we tango the timeline of this paradigm.
“ I wanna say thank you my love, for always being by my side”
The God in you speaks to me that keeps me going and living with hopes of seeing your eyes every sunrise.
My Partner for life
“Thank you for teaching me how to love, and how to speak up and protect the self. You showed me my worth when my faith in others were failed”

Yours truly with deep love and admiration ,
Always and forever

~ Your Mirror

Dear (Younger) Jody,
It is often said that youth is wasted on the young. I also say that wisdom can sometimes be wasted on the old. So thank you, Old Jody, for wising up, even at this late date.

I say that because I’m no longer trying to deny the scuff marks left by passing years. I can also say that because the epiphanies that seem to hit me at 3:00 in the morning often involve people who have been dead for many years. And my sudden bursts of insight frequently reveal that if I had not been so reluctant to avoid seeming impolite or confrontational, my life could have been spared some very unpleasant side trips.

Why didn’t I tell the seafood restaurant owner in the little New England town that requiring me to wipe his sweaty back with a paper table cover before he’d give me my final paycheck – the one that would get me home again – I would tell the hostess, who was his daughter? And I was very sure that because she was Greek, her mother also would be very interested in how he was treating the youngest of his summer employees. As it was, I got my final check and I made it home, but I have also had the “icks” for the past 55 years whenever I think of him. I’m sure he’s dead now. If he isn’t, he deserves to be.

And when I got a “real” job — why did I just accept that I was paid considerably less than my male counterparts – even ones I was training to do the same job I had? I do remember asking the HR director why, and he said that women weren’t the breadwinners and men had to support their families. Besides, it was state law. I was still very young, although I was beginning to get the first glow of a white-hot anger.

Why did I go ahead with a marriage I was quietly afraid was going to be unhappy because I didn’t want to disappoint all the people who had invested emotionally and financially in pushing me down the aisle with a man who didn’t love me, even though he pretended that he did? Why didn’t I just refuse to go ahead with anything, pack a bag, and leave town? I eventually had to disappear anyway, but only after I’d lost what was left of my self-worth and belief in true love. And after he’d tried to kill me. There was that, too.

And years later after I married a good man, why did I let the leaders of our local school’s PTA pile work on me, yet not invite me to their bunco games and their holiday cookie exchanges? Why didn’t I tell the ladies in their expensive Christmas sweaters to take their fundraisers and their mini-vans and go straight to where no jingle bells had ever jingled? Why did I care if I offended these women? They did little else but offend me.

And now that I am old, why do I remain silent when somebody runs up the backs of my heels with their shopping cart at the store when I pause to try to reach something? I have quit apologizing, which I suppose is progress. But there was a time when I would have said to somebody driving into my flesh, “Oh, excuse me.”

Why? Why? Why?

So here is what is going to make the rest of my life so much better, even if I don’t make it to Super Bowl 2025. I’m going to remain civilized, dignified, and courteous because those are characteristics I value in myself, and others.

However, I will NOT be so damned polite to the ones who have no respect for my worth, or the worth of any of my aging companions on this final winding road of life. I will raise what is left of my voice, and my fist if my shoulder will let me, and say, “No!”

You deserve better, and always have. Thank you for finally coming to that realization.

Old Jody

Dear Lillian,
Thank you for being a warrior.
Thank you for your resilience, willingness, patience, bravery and determination.
Thank you for continuing to fight for yourself through the times you didn’t know if you could pull through.
Thank you for learning to love yourself, or learning to be gentle with yourself when you still don’t know how to entirely.
Thank you for learning how to give yourself grace, release shame, and open up space within your heart for honesty and vulnerability.
Thank you for turning around when all you wanted to do was run away.
Thank you for facing your most terrifying battles, not fearlessly but with strength pushing you through the pain.
You were so scared of the dark, yet you chose to walk through it because of your faith that the light was just hiding.
I am so proud of you for that.
Sometimes you forget how hard you’ve fought to get here.
You’ve blossomed in ways you would have never imagined.
Thank you for being a warrior.

Strength is recognized in the moments that our muscles are forced to exert themselves.
When no one is around to help you move that boulder, you must find it within yourself, or you remain stagnant.
In those moments dread coils in your stomach and your eyes wander to your surroundings
You peer down at your frail arms, wondering what strength could possibly lie beneath your skin.
If luck does not evade you, then those moments are few and seemingly life-changing.
It seems, though, that those moments are never-ending for me.
I haven’t had a moment to be weak; I survived not by chance, but by will.
From a young age, trauma has held my hand, grinding my bones beneath its grip and forcing me to writhe in pain.
The little memory that has not hidden itself in the crevasses of my mind plays beneath my eyes, reminding me all that I have survived.
The only word that comes to mind in the presence of such memories is gratitude.
Oh how much I have endured but so inspiringly survived.
Who I am today was forged by every moment of my past.
I am kind and willing to give my last to anyone who needs. Thanks to the depravity of simple nourishments throughout my childhood, how could I turn a blind eye now to those who want as desperately as I did?
I am patient and always available to listen, no matter how seemingly trivial it may seem. Thanks to no one listening while I screamed, how could I now plug my ears as I watch someone strain their throat, begging for anyone to pay attention, just as I did?
I am not defined by what I have endured, but it is the derivative of my strength. I am thankful for all that broke me; I do not look upon my past with disgust but instead with wonder. I am strength, I am resilience. I am grateful for having endured hell and remaining gentle despite it.

Dear Richard Smith,
This may sound strange to hear this coming from myself but, dude… I’m so proud of you. I never relish in our successes but, for once I’m telling you, “You did good kid and I am proud of you.”
Patience, resilience, and strength are the traits you embody. As a child, you were diagnosed with type 1 diabetes which led to a kidney disease diagnosis in 2019. Because of this, your battle with sobriety ended and you’ve refused to go back since. Then, as the world shut down in 2020 so did your kidneys and dialysis became your purgatory.
Breaking down in every way led to a seizure and 4 days on life support. With a knee injury during the seizure, you were now using wheelchairs.
Dialysis appointments 3 times a week for 4 hours draining your life and weakening your bones combined with constant knee biopsies was your routine. Your routine left you without a knee and you still carried on.
Now with rods for a knee and fear of leaving this party you call life early you pursued a kidney transplant. The many dreams of the life you wanted kept you fighting. Constantly being added and removed from the transplant list caused mental torture. Being diabetic made healing impossible.
When this began we knew life wouldn’t be the same but never did you expect your worst nightmares to manifest. December 2022, something very wrong was occurring. You couldn’t remember the last thing you said, unable to think, express, and exist; the rods were destroying your foot and you were going into sepsis. All of your life you’d say, “If I were to my leg I’d kill myself.” In that doctor’s office, you were told, “ Keep your leg and die or amputate and live.” Not accomplishing your dreams, unspoken thoughts, words, and actions flooded your mind. That day you chose life.
Waking up from the worst pain imaginable, a new Richard Smith sprouted. Now full of life, laughter, motivation, and gratitude, this new chapter became your opportunity to turn this loss into a win. A lifelong dream of being able to trek Japan was your fuel to walk again. Through your amputation you learned how to adapt, and think differently; every obstacle was a challenge, every failure was a lesson learned, and every setback was a bump in the road. Health-wise you stabilized.
In June 2023 you started learning to walk again. The next mission? Conquer kidney disease. Back on the transplant list, a few more challenges arose. Through losing vision in your right eye in October and breaking your ribs from prosthetic training you were dropped from the list again. Feeling defeated and half blind the future looked dark. Giving into the fear in February 2024 you went to tell the dialysis center to end your life-saving treatments.
Something in your core wouldn’t allow it. Giving the transplant list one last shot they required you to be able to walk. Within a month you surpassed the test. In May 2024, listed once again your sister tested to donate her kidney to you. To your amazement, she was a perfect match! Things accelerated and a surgery date was set: September 4th, 2024.
Since the transplant our health has been the best it’s ever been, we walk all the time! No wheelchairs!! We live life with the biggest smile, pure happiness in our heart, and absolute gratitude to exist in this moment. After 5 years of dialysis, many near-death experiences, emergency room visits, amputations, and going half blind I know I can overcome whatever challenges I face. Although we have half of our vision and one leg we see the beauty and light in life and continue moving forward one step at a time.
Through our resilience, positivity, and determination I’m able to say, “You did good kid and I am proud of you!”

To my old foe, Fear,

I meant to send you a note, but your cousin, Anxiety, kept meddling in my business, so I put it off for another day. You may wonder why I’m reaching out now. Why has it taken me so long to connect after these years?

I’ve put pen to paper many times, and the words failed me then, but they do not now. You might be surprised by what I have to tell you. Thank you, Fear. I applaud your tenacity to keep up the fight and maintain a firm upper hand on my mental well-being. You asserted yourself and ensured I understood who was in control most days.

You went out of your way to make me anxious, even going so far as to recruit my butterflies. Those sweet, colourful, fluttery beings once gave me a spark as they swirled around, giving me hope and excitement. You underhandedly converted those gentle creatures to turn lovely innocence into floundering, spinning motions of doubt, dread, and foreboding.

That was the first glimpse of your true nature, if I’m correct.

I know you relished in your ability to rob me of experiences. You laughed in my face when I crawled onto the cold floor in the bathroom’s corner. The feeling of satisfaction emanated from you when your actions left me incapacitated for hours and days.

Dare I say you almost got the best of me for more than fifty years?

Despite my anger, I lacked the courage to confront you and the skills or knowledge to defeat you. A lot has changed, Fear. Understand that you are no longer welcome in my home, head, or heart. The dysfunctional relationship we’ve been fueling ends today.

Before I let you go, I have one more thing to address. Perhaps you, too, have been misguided, and my ability to have empathy supersedes my resentment to entirely loathe you. I would rather let you go than have hate in my heart.

I won’t deny the handful of times you tried to help me out of scary situations. Whether you knowingly or unselfishly alerted me to dangerous situations is unknown, but thank you for keeping me safe. For example, when you advised me not to walk on the dark trail or get in the car with someone with too many drinks. You trusted I would know what you meant, and strangely, I understood your signals.

But you got greedy and figured you could make a home in my heart. Those days are past me now because I’ve grown. I’ve evolved beyond you. I don’t need you, and I don’t want you around me, my friends, or my family.

Thank you for teaching me what no longer served me. I am strong. I am assertive and I can teach others how to woman handle you.

This is goodbye.

I won’t miss you.