My Dearest Asya,

Let me be the first to say, you’re an amazing person! You’re a great daughter, big sister, and friend. You’re not going to always get it right as the oldest and there will be a long period of time where you feel guilty for leaving home to go to college. You’re going to feel as though your sister and brother hate you for a while too, but you’ll never stop loving them. Dad’s going to go to prison again and things will be hard. They’ll be even harder when he gets out though. In the long run, you two will repair your relationship. You’re going to love people HARD and a lot of them will break your heart. You’ll leave a trail of brokenness as well, but you’ll always be more focused on fixing those souls you encounter. By the time you’re reaching your mid-twenties, life is going to be catastrophic; seeming as though it’ll stay that way until you hit thirty-one. You are going to suffer a lot of loss during this time, including 5 miscarriages. You will feel broken for quite some time. There will be one person in the human realm that is able to help you to begin feeling whole again. I’ll give you a clue as to who that is… Go look in a mirror. You are going to put in A LOT of work. You’re going to read a lot. You’re going to start therapy twice. (Don’t worry, you’ll have your first real stint with therapy in college.) You’re going to go back to church and center yourself back in God. You are going to end up discovering that you are happier and more confident than you have ever been. There are so many things that are going to go wrong, but there are also so many things that are going to go right. By loving hard, you’re going to discover several of your purposes. You are going to have 3 great loves, each one imprinting on your heart and teaching you something new about yourself. You’re going to go to college and grow so much. It’s going to be one of the first times you’re going to feel free. Sophomore year is when you really start to unwind. Freshman year is going to be a mess. Between the time you graduate high school in June and your first day on campus that August, you’re going to lose the only grandparent you’ve ever known, the house your family lived in, and your dad ends up back in the system. It’s actually going to take you 13 years to graduate, but with perseverance and the emotional and financial help of a lovely man, you’re going to get that Bachelor’s Degree that you always said you would. You should be so proud! The desire to be a wife and mother is going to grow larger as you get older. It’s especially going to intensify after you continue to have a series of unexplainable miscarriages during a 5 year period. You will have a lot of questions and contemplate your life, but you’re eventually going to seek help and utilize the strong support system that you built. One thing that won’t change is the fact that writing will still be your coping mechanism and easiest escape from the world. You’ll end up taking it very seriously and creating your own website. People are actually going to read it too! (Go girl!!!) As a result, one of your oldest, most treasured friends is going to replant the seed in your mind that you need to write a poetry book. You’re going to do it too! Guess what else?! Remember how you used to pray that one day you would own your own home? You’re going to! The housing insecurities you faced growing up.. well, you kept your word and are not going to allow your future kids to have to deal with that. You’re going to worry about the future a lot between now and then, but once you hit thirty you’re going to stop worrying so much. You’re going to realize that there is no point in worrying because what will be, will be. Sure, you’re going to look back and realize how much you cried some days, but you’re also going to look back and realize what a good time you had despite all of life’s curveballs. You’re going to make some of the most amazing memories with some of the most amazing people. If you loved someone at one point in time (whether platonic or not), they will always remain in your heart and they’ll always have a piece of yours. It’s a superpower. Your perseverance is going to carry you places you only imagined you’d be. I’m so very proud.

Dear Melissa,

Today I woke thinking of you, your dreams, your hurts, and your hopes for the future.

You are special and the world needs you. You will face hard things in life, that is a given. But in the face of adversity you will rise like the warrior you are and use your inner strength to garner a power of healing beyond any trauma you have or will face. You will change the course of your life and that of many others.

How do I know this you may wonder?

I was once like you, assaulted at the age of 20, hurt and broken. I worried I would never be whole again and believed my trauma would define me. I sought out support of trusted people. I began journaling my feelings of hurt, healing, and hope. It was not until I read those pages 20 years later I realized my younger self left me the keys to much needed healing and future thriving. I carry her messages each day as a person now healed encouraging and inspiring others to do the same. If it had not been for the girl I was and her writings, I may not have become the woman I am today.

Today sweet Melissa, I sense you are going through an especially rough time and are worried about what your own future holds. I encourage you to write, perhaps as I am doing now, to be able to remind yourself and myself just how much we are loved and how we can both get through the hard parts of life and turn the mess into a meaningful message.

Know that you are not alone no matter the distance, time, and space. I hope someday you will
write yourself a letter with the wisdom from the next steps in your own journey of resilience through healing and finding joy. I know it is hard to believe that you will find joy, but I am certain you will find joy and thrive even more because of it. You have the keys and they will reveal themselves to you over time as you become open to receiving them.

So, take a deep breathe, you got this! We got this.

Sending you continued healing and hope always,
With love,
Melissa

Dear younger self, you never became famous
don’t look at me that way I’m not wandering around aimless.
I know that’s what you wanted but trust me everyone there is really haunted.
The glitz and the glam wasn’t what it was about
I know how badly you just wanted to GET OUT!
A life going nowhere everybody’s stuck
Growing up here I need a little luck.
It turns out “famous” wasn’t the way it just didn’t work out
I’ll understand if you need to pout.
Baby girl, look at the news
Taking that path is how you lose.
Life isn’t a race but still, you have to set the pace.
To get what you want can sometimes be a jaunt
But please hear me don’t worry
We got out so what’s the hurry?
A new life and a new last name
Nothing is the same.
There’s one more thing you need to hear.
Please don’t fear.
I’ve learned something new
And it’s that I love you.