Dear Younger Self,

First off let me start by saying: I am sooooooooo so sorry! About everything you went through as a child. You should’ve have never been in an environment that made you frustrated at yourself so much. You should have never been in an environment that caused so much confusion and made you feel like you were bad and there was something wrong with you. I am sooooo sorry that nothing you ever did was good enough and today you struggle to know what to do and even when you try so hard, you still make so many mistakes and your best intentions keep making a mess of things.

You deserved better, you deserve better and you are better than you think you are.

Secondly, I come bearing news, so much news. Some good and some bad. Remember that old lady in primary school who told you one day you’re going to blink and you’re going to be 50 years old because the years fly by and you didn’t believe her so you just laughed and said, “Never, not me. I’m going to be young for a long time.” Well news flash! She was right! You do blink and it’s all gone by so quickly. You’re 28-years-old now while writing this letter. Your early 20’s are hell! I’m sorry to tell you this but mom dies when you’re 19, two years after our brother dies. You completely lose it after mom’s death. Everything, your sanity and your sense of belonging. You become paralyzed by depression because for some time, it hurts so bad. But good news. ‘Remember that song “Together we made it! We made it even of though we had our backs up against the wall!” Well we do. You do! We make it. We survive all our suicidal-thoughts phases and we try to live again. We try to remember mom in a positive light.

Oh, my goodness! You travel! You won’t believe this but you actually move to the United States of America to begin your healing process. You’re an au pair right now while you’re writing this letter. Lol! What a joke! You go through so much but ultimately you reach your goal. Right now, we are in the middle of the healing process. It is hell, but none the less it is a warm, beautiful hell because we start to want to become so much better.

You find your true passion: being a writer and we’ve been making some short films with some friends. We develop a huge distain for production and behind the scenes. Haha! But that makes us even more passionate for just being a writer and an actress.

I am so proud of you Anelisa, because at this point, at 28 years old, you are making so much effort. You are trying so hard to be good, genuine and loving towards yourself and others. You really start to develop self-love and positivity. And today you learn that you are worthy; you’ve always been and there is nothing wrong with us and there never was. I hope that this will continue until we reach that place when you’re finally you, when you’re finally free from the conditioning, the pain, the fear and the doubt. We think of mom and our brother every day and gain a certain appreciation and sensitivity toward our family members. The distance really gives us a lot of perspective. As hard as it is. -I’m proud of you for taking this au-paring program. I know you wanted so much for yourself at 26 and 28…

Dear younger self, I love you so much Anelisa, really, I do. Underneath all the lack of confidence and low self-esteem, you feel it too. We are truly something and I hope to finally free you one day. I need to make way for this you, grown you, full of comprehension you, so you can finally be great.

But darling, just so you know, you are the only person I know that pretty much has so much potential. You usually do well in most things that you try and right now, I am happy to tell you we are trying so hard to break toxic cycles and behaviors. We are currently working so much to let go of fear which plays a huge role in your adult. You are currently in a beautiful mission to be more present and conscious in all you do. To have more confidence in yourself and the things we currently want.

You’re ok younger Anelisa, you are alright. Sorry you struggled so long to realize it. I wish I could climb inside my heart so I can give you the biggest hug and tell you it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong.

… Love