Dear Forgiveness,
You keep lingering around when I think about all the hurt I’ve experienced from others. Your constant need for acknowledgement causes uneasiness inside me. My chest gets tight, my heart feels heavy, and my eyes fight back tears. What is the purpose of you continuing to torture me? I have already given my most vulnerable parts to these people, and here you are asking me to pardon them for their actions against me. It is best to ignore what they have done and move on from it. What good comes from hashing out these painful events? Why do you want me to relive those moments? I have shed enough tears for these people, and I refuse to give anymore. I cannot and will not allow you to have power over me. Forgiving them and their actions is letting them off the hook, and that is far from fair. If I open my heart to you, I risk being hurt once more, and everyone will assume it wasn’t a big deal since I moved on and forgive so easily. They would be mistaken, because this weight I carry is sometimes more than I can bear. I’ve thought to myself time and time again, if accepting you will finally set me free and allow me to drop this load. I know fearing you is part of the process, but I do not think it is fair for those that have hurt me to continue on with no consequences.
 
One day, I will allow you to help me through all of this. I will accept and understand that I need to set boundaries for everyone in my life, not just the ones who hurt me, to minimize the chances of me being hurt by someone’s harmful behaviors and choices again. To heal, I must love myself enough to recognize you’re for me, not my abusers. You don’t excuse the hurtful things people do, but you help free me from carrying the weight of resentment. I may not accept you now, but I will be once I find the support and guidance needed to navigate through such a complex concept you are. I cannot allow my fear of you to win. My bravery and strength will help me fight through this fear and the pain it causes. I refuse to continue to be a victim to my trauma and the people that helped cause it. I deserve to be happy, sane, and confident once again. To heal completely, I must fight my fear of you and claim victory. I realize my fear is based on possibilities, not realities. Thank you, forgiveness, for pestering for so long and pushing me to start this journey. It’s just you and me now.
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